SRS am I wasting my time on this girl?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by stryfe101, Dec 3, 2008.

  1. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    Hey guys..

    well things ended between me and my ex of 3 years about 2 months ago. For the last month I've been dating this girl whom I really like. It started out great from day one..we spent the night together and cuddled almost every night, and we did alot together...she said she wasn't trying to rush into things so i tried to let it take its own course. It finally got the the point where she was finally breaking from her "i don't want to get too close cause I don't want to get hurt" shell and we had a great weekend, I got a text from her while she was out with her friend on her friends birthday saying she was thinking about me, and the next day we spent the evening together, and had sex for the first time(great sex I might add..she felt the same way too). The next day we woke up and stayed in bed together for the whole day, and then she decided she was going to go hang out with her guy friend that night...that was fine...she even called me at 12:00 that night when she got home. Well since then she's talking to him more(she's known him for 5 years...says there is nothing to worry about) the night after that she went out with her lawyer, then out with her best girl friend again, we spent thanksgiving evening together at her friend house then mine for the night, spent the day Friday together shoppping(where I spent a ton of money I didn't have) then that was it for the weekend except on Sunday. Well the other night (the Friday night) we spent together she said I don't feel like making out when i went to kiss her goodnight, and that the sex we had was too soon(not that she was regretting it, just it was too soon), and that she is a challenge for a guy cause she is so independent, and has a very tough wall to break down cause she doesn't want to get hurt by anyone. Anyway I'm the worrying type and she tells me if I push it she'll freak out and all that, plus that we can't see each other everyday cause then we'll get tired of each other. Well keep in mind i'm being treated for bi-polar disorder and she knows this, but i don't know if she understands fully how my mind works cause of this. Anyway the other night her guy friend started shit on myspace telling me that he was going out with her Friday night instead of me, and making some comments about me that I didn't appreciate...just because this girl got in a word fight with a lady friend of his, this guy does not know me at all and has never met me. Anyway her total attitude has changed and now I feel as though the friends ladder is where I stand. But she still calls me everyday, and emails me everyday, and lets me kiss her goodbye when we leave...

    so what gives guys? should i give up so my worrysome mind can be at ease and I can be sad and down cause this awesome girl is gone? or just keep dealing with it and see what happens. She says she likes me, and likes hanging out with me, but unfortunately my feelings are a little stronger towards her on this. I feel like this all she cares about is not getting hurt herself, and she does so much that she ends up hurting the ones who want to care about her...if that makes sense

    oh let me add....she also doesn't want to get caught up in baby mama drama..since I have a child...but there hasn't been much of it, plus she is worried i'd go back to my ex if she wanted to come back....which I know I won't do



    help me out guys..
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2008
  2. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    Sounds like she's just keeping her options open and telling you the usual "I don't want to get hurt" bullshit.
     
  3. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Personally, I would tell her what you said in your last paragraphs:

    You: "You say you like me and enjoy hanging out with me, but unfortunately I feel like your attention is so focused on protecting yourself to avoid being hurt that you don't recognize that I too feel hurt by your persistence in pushing me away. I do accept that you have to protect yourself, but I also feel that I must protect myself, and in this case I don't trust that my best interest is being considered and so I'm going to have to make a decision regarding whether I want to continue this relationship."

    Her: But but but... (Excuses)

    You: I feel as though I'm also being used, in that I'm simply an "option" on the table, and I think it's important that you know that I'm looking for a relationship that's going to gradually build and lead to something more appreciable, and if you're not looking for that, I think it's best if we talk about it here, and then go our separate ways if you feel differently.

    Her: But but but, I do want to be with you, but but.

    You: Then I'd appreciate it if you didn't spend time with other guys who either are interested in you romantically, or who you've been romantic with in the past. It is clear your friend -- who has said some disrespectful things to me -- has feelings for you, and is jealous, and I will not tolerate it. Out of respect to me, I feel what I'm asking is acceptable.

    Her: Well I'm not going to do that.

    You: "Then I want you to know that I've enjoyed this relationship, and think you're a great person, but you're not the person I thought you were, we're not right for each other. Take care, and best wishes.'
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2008
  4. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    First question:

    Why are you tolerating being treated and used this way? This is a stupid situation for you to be in, and you are being played for a fool.

    You are making a mistake that so many guys make. They only think about poor little her and allow themselves to be played for a fool. You need to set your own standards and stand by them.

    This would never happen to me. The minute this girl started pulling this crap I would put my foot down. I would tell her I am not playing this game. She either wants to see me or not and if she can't decide which then I will decide for her and walk.

    People who let themselves be used like this will be used like this. You are creating your own pile of crap to swim in. You don't have to swim in this pool, but you are anyway. That's your fault.

    This girl is trouble, only you are not using your logic and reasoning to see it, you are instead going with your emotions... which is causing you to miss the real picture. She's manipulative. She didn't "move to fast" for herself, she is using that to keep you at arms length where she can manipulate you more. This "hot and cold" business she is pulling on you is purely for her own needs. I bet she had some unflattering things to say about you with her "guy friend" which caused him to rag on you this way. Even if she didn't do that she certainly isn't sticking up for you.

    The fact is she has you where she wants you. If she wants to get attention from you she knows she can contact you and get it. If she doesn't want your attention she can pull her excuses and create distance without you getting fed up enough to leave. You've already told her this by your actions. You've continued to stick around despite being on the receiving end of a lot of mixed signals.

    Bro, I hope you get this straightened out. I hope you start using your head instead of your heart. Your attraction and emotion is blinding you and causing you to forget to stand up for yourself.
     
  5. KrissyKrass

    KrissyKrass New Member

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    I agree with kingtoad.

    And any girl that cares about you would put her "friend" in their place if they were trying to start anything - even on myspace - how juvenile btw.

    Try not to get too clingy. Usually if they think they have you figured out then they wanna see what other options they have. If I was you I would even consider dating other girls, you know, since she isn't being that serious with you.

    ~*~ EDIT ~*~

    Metallic Blue and DiggityDogg make good points as well.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2008
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Oh and just to clarify, I believe this relationship is over, but my statement above is an effective way to walk away with dignity if you choose to do so.

    Always walk away with dignity, and always be patient, direct, and do not blame or guilt the person when you do decide to end it.

    Oh and by the way, I think it was great to ask for help here rather than going further into unknown territory. People should recognize that you're doing the right thing and are making decisions. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
     
  7. Omnibus

    Omnibus _________________________

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    Bro, not sure if any of these longass posts have said it yet, but go talk to her about it first. And don't play it off like it's not serious, tell her you really wanna talk about it. If she plays it off, kingtoad's got it right. If not, don't worry too much about it.

    Also depens on your ages.
     
  8. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    She started to open up then realized she was becoming too vunerable so started making up excuses. Like diggity said you need to put your foot down and stop this nonsense, she either wants to be with you or not ,tell her enough with the games.
     
  9. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    Thanks for the advice guys...I'm going to use some of it next time me and her talk. I mean she sent me an email this morning asking how I slept, and telling me she was going to come pick me up when she got off work to get my car(which has stressed me to no end) after having the water pump replaced. She also called me when she went to lunch today being all nice and sweet sounding.

    I think i'm holding onto this becuase I've got seriously low self esteem because of my weight(i'm 300 pounds - down from 350, but I got as low as 260, [​IMG][​IMG] , thats me and her btw) and for some reason the only women I seem to attract other than her are the psycho, white trash, cross eyed, mother of 3 desparate to get a date, divorced in mid 30's, way more overweight than me types.

    Am i being too picky? and is this whats keeping me from heading in a different direction? I'm 32 and she is 26 btw, my ex was 34

    Gray

    oh and cutesy edit..isn't my little girl cute as can be?
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Try to work it out, see what happens. You look fine.
     
  11. eljefedetonto

    eljefedetonto OT Supporter

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    Reading that and putting myself in your shoes, I had the urge to become disconnected from the whole situation... the myspace drama, her "independence" and "I have a wall to tear down" as an excuse, everything. If a girl started stringing me along like that (this one certainly is with you), I'd bolt. Life's too short to put up with that.

    don't think of it like that. you're not "giving up", you're getting out of a bad deal. I understand your feeling sad and down at that point, but don't think of it as her being this awesome girl that's gone. there was a good start, but think about all the trash she's putting you through NOW.

    I think you're right that all she cares about is herself. If she's having any second thoughts or other issues, it's clearly not fair for her to try holding on to you at arm's length while she makes up her mind. It's also not fair to yourself to stay and wait until she does.

    Hope things go well next time you see each other, but do keep yourself in mind if she starts doing this again.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    She says she doesn't want drama, but it sure looks like she is causing it.

    If you have drama and emotional roller coasters with a girl, she's not worth seeing.

    She's doing the classic game of "I want you, but I don't want you". No one deserves to be treated like that....like others have said, it's a form of using someone.

    I went through this once, and once is enough. You keep going back to them because you think they will change after you wait and work on them long enough, but they never do, and you get so tired of the shit.

    By the way, if you don't think you're being played...look at what she did. Spends all day in bed with you, then goes out with another guy friend, then her girlfriends. She takes you on a shopping trip, and convinces you to buy things you can't afford...

    I think every guy has been with a girl where this has happened...and it means you're a toy to her. You're a doll she wants to play with and dress up.
     
  13. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    From the description I was expecting her to be much younger women shouldn't be playing games anymore at that age. Not any reason to let her walk all over you either though.
     
  14. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    well see thats my problem there...I offered...so thats my own fault, and one of my main faults with women...anyway things were better tonight, so i'm just going to take my emotions out of it, and my money and see where it goes. I know what to do now so hopefully this will rectify itself....if things change for the worse then I'll know to end it, if it gets better then we shall see..

    anyway thanks guys...reading all this made me feel better, and helped me see some more into this...like I said i'll take my emotions out of it.

    Gray
     
  15. Killuminati

    Killuminati New Member

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    Your name is Gray? I've never heard that, but I like that.
     
  16. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    thanks its not that common...I get called Gary and Greg alot though
     
  17. Ricky

    Ricky █▄ █▄█ █▄ ▀█▄

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    you look pretty normal to me.
     
  18. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    I wouldnt trust her, run.
     
  19. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    well according to her i'm too damn pushy..

    I asked her to go to my little girls birthday party....cause I wanted some support there...and she thought that was pushy...I talked about her meeting my dad while there...that was too pushy..

    this was all while leading up to the weekend we "did stuff" when all the shit then started. I just got bitched at for bringing this up today when her buddy decided to flake on her tonight. I said something along the lines of hanging out with her tomorrow since we haven't seen each other much this week and she said yeah i've been distant...so I said yeah I noticed..and I said I felt things were over..and that got her started bitching at me. She said, why would you think think that..all guys are retarded today..did you ask me if it was over. She said I latched on too quickly and it freaked her out, it made her mad when I got upset about her hanging out with her guy friend, and that I got all pouty on the phone and made her feel bad for not hanging out with me. She just wants to be friends and hang out to get to know each other better..so yeah i'm fucked..lol

    She said that since i'm just out of a 3 year relationship with a baby mama and i've been alone for 2 months that I've still got alot to work on...yeah I know that..and I'm working on it...hanging out with her at first helped me alot, then when it went to shit I went to shit. I guess I need to go to those codependents anonymous groups soon..I know i'm codependent..

    So as it stands now we are friends that hold hands, kiss, hug, sleep together, but we aren't a couple..and won't be for a while..


    yeah


    am I totally off base here guys?

    Gray
     
  20. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Sounds like you both aren't capable of detaching and hearing what the other person has to say without taking it personally and without depending on the other person to meet your needs.

    Equal responsibility. If you really want to hear what someone is saying, you need to start by listening.
     
  21. RachTyrTaiya

    RachTyrTaiya New Member

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    Look . . . you are making this more complicating then it has to be. She treats you like shit, clearly doesn't know what she wants, and is using you. Stop talking to her. SIMPLE.
     
  22. stryfe101

    stryfe101 New Member

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    well its over..I ended it today. I'm actually relieved
     

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