SRS Am I too nice?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by whelen1, Mar 16, 2006.

  1. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    A little background...

    24 years old, 4 years of college education under my belt, recent new job (<1 year) in the field I went to school for. Recently lost a lot of weight and EVERYONE notices, got a whole new wardrobe cause of it too:hsd: Living on my own in a high end area of town in my own apartment, nice car, nice things ...etc etc..


    Rant on:

    Now with that being said, I work at a University doing the Safety & Security bit. Working around college kids and dealing with all their BS has me thinking, how in the hell do some of these assholes get some of the women they do. I mean they treat them like shit, have no job and basically don't treat ANYONE with respect. It fries my ass to see that. The way they talk to people is annoying as shit, the "I can say whatever the hell I want" attitude makes me want to beat the snot out of them:squint:

    I've been raised in such a way to give everyone the same amount of respect they show me. And because of that I've grown up with very old school morals concerning women. I still believe in chivalry (opening building doors, car doors, paying for lunch/dinner even if it strains the wallet, etc) and I have come to the conclusion that this scares women away:sadwavey: They are so used to being treated like ass by guys that when the find someone who is 180* from the rest of the population, they think its some sort of charade. With that being said, they always think something bad is going to happen and when it doesn't, they get paranoid.

    From all the females I know or work with they all say the same thing, "Your such a nice guy, any woman would want to date you". Then why the hell don't I have someone:squint: Half the time they say that to make you feel better, but seriously. If all these women want good guys, then why in the hell don't they take advantage of the situation when one comes walking through?? Im really sick and tired of being shoved into the friend catergory right off the bat, never get a chance to move up (like OT initiation heh:o ).

    And no, I won't become a jackass just to get a woman. I don't believe in it (even though it might work) and its totally 180* from my nature.

    http://www.angelfire.com/vt2/g_hols/Niceguy <-- that perfectly spells out my life since graduating...

    Just getting frustrated ya know :hs:

    /rant
     
  2. PCnPROUD

    PCnPROUD New Member

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    such is life, and theres nothing you can do to change how the world works

    this will sound cliche, but just wait for the right (mature) girl to come along who will appreciate you for who you are
     
  3. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    Yeah, Im tryin bro.

    Its hard with the days off I have to even get out and enjoy some good nightlife, that and being around <21 people all day doesn't help either.

    my ship will come in, I just hope it comes in before my dock rots...
     
  4. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    Sounds to me like you need to go after slightly older women (30-35)....

    By that point many of them are over the "I want a nice guy but I date assholes anyway" stage.
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Maybe you're looking for women in the wrong places. :dunno:

    A buddy of mine in a similar part of his life complained about the same things.. but he was always looking for chicks at the parties he DJed at. He invariably found women who were (choose one or more of the following) immature, superficial, depressed, neurotic, drug-addicted, or sometimes downright stupid. When he complained about this to me I told him to change his venue - ie. stop looking at parties and start looking elsewhere. The 'elsewhere' part depends on your personal preferences.
     
  6. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Nothing wrong with being a "nice guy". Nopers. Maybe you just aren't shining right.
    The thing to remember too, is that Cupid does not have a timetable.
    Relax.
     
  7. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Congrats!

    You're wrong there. They treat themselves with respect, and do not put up with others who aren't respecting them. This is the main reason others may find them attractive. They aren't pushovers.

    This would scare no good women away. Opening doors and such is not a problem. If it is, then you must question either if you are doing something else wrong, or are simply doing this for the wrong type of girls.

    That's likely not the case, or is at least not the case most of the time. If this is the excuse they are giving you then it is simply an excuse they are giving because they simply are not interested. If a woman is not interested in you then 95% of the time she is not going to tell you what the real deal is, you will be loaded up with all sorts of excuses. "Now isn't the right time for me", "I just got out of a relationship", "We are better off as just friends", "I would rather be single right now"-which means, I rather be single than be with YOU, "I'm hurt by an ex and don't want a relationship", etc, etc, etc, the list goes on. NEVER listen to what the excuse is, because if you focus on the excuse you are not focusing on the real issue-her lack of interest. Actions speak louder than words and if a girl isn't getting with you when you ask her out then she is not interested and you should move on.

    I always found it humerous when women say that. It's just them trying to be nice. Think about it, if you are so great and such a good catch, then why aren't they attracted to you? You don't spark that chemistry with them, and they probably don't even know why. They see that you are a good guy so they say this to you, but they feel no chemistry and will not date you themselves. To me, if a woman says this, she is not complimenting me in any way. It's like telling someone who crashes everytime they ride a bike, "Hey, you ARE really good you know!" It's just being nice, but it is a load of BS.

    Exactly! It's good that you are starting to recognize the inconsistancy and the BS. Now it is time for you to start to learn WHY you end up as the "friend" all of the time. I suggest you go to www.friendzoned.com and read up on the articles there about dating. There is a also a forum you can go to post questions. I also have a thread on this site (as well as Friendzoned.com) that also covers a lot of this. I will resurface that thread on here if I can find it, it is called Diggity's Dating Advice, For Men.

    Exactly. Jerks don't get girls because they are jerks, so obviously you don't want to become one. But there ARE a lot of things that jerks do right that attracts women. If you can learn what those positive qualities are, and you incorporate that into your approach and demeanor, then you can be the perfect gentleman ladies man. Go to the sites and read the articles I talked about. They will be a good first step for you.
     
  8. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Woman are naturally attracted to alpha males, but you don't have to be an asshole to be an alpha. Its just that a lot of assholes have many alpha traits, like dominance, not needing approval,spontanaety, and confidence in general. Chivalry is fine, just make sure that you aren't a doormat and aren't looking for her approval. You have to lead her around and bring her into your reality, not the other way around.
     
  9. KDazzle

    KDazzle New Member

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    at first i thought i was reading a thread that i wrote myself. it's almost like we're the same person
     
  10. Jadix

    Jadix The Nice Guy

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    ya same here...

    I think the problem is that girls in my state are just worthless. Fuck california girls. I want a foreign girl, someone who understands what life is really about. Its not about the latest fashions, who was coolest in highschool, and all that shit. American girls just dont get it.
     
  11. McFly

    McFly New Member

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    I agree with the last two posters in that I could have written the same thing. From my experience, Patience is the key here. From my expereinces (I am 29) the age of a girl and how they think and act changes tremendously between ages 18-25. Most of these girls aren't worth a serious relationship for many reasons I won't go into here. I think others will agree with me that girls with a college education and then ones with a few years of work expereince in the real world aren't just looking for that A-hole guy anymore. At this point they know the kind of guys they want to date and get into relationships with.

    I am a nice guy too and have gone through many of the same things you have. I have the degree, awesome job, nice car etc. I am not sure the type of girl you are looking for but I do know that I meet some pretty successful and all around "cool" girls and I don't try to play them or show them something I am not. Just be yourself, the girls will notice eventually, you have to trust yourself on that one. If they don't like nice guys, they aren't worth your time anyway. They are the type of girls that NEED to have drama and chaos in their relationships and that is just not worth your time.

    I could go on and on if you want but I hope what has been said helps a little :)
     
  12. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    Teo - Thats also the thing, Im not into looking for women at the bar scene cause 90% of the women out there are drunk and only looking for one thing. (NOT a bad thing mind you, but its the symantics of it all). Ive come to that realization EARLY in the game.

    Puppycat - Its getting frustrating yes, and im still on the thinking of "if you look for it you won't find it".

    DiggityDog - def. some good points made and I understand where your coming from. I'm more shocked that you took the time to break that rant down.:wiggle:

    Kdizzle, Jadix, McFly - Good to know that im not alone on this and the nice guys are still lurking around. McFly well put:bowdown: Feel free to shoot me a PM..

    The other BIIIIIIIIIG problem is that because of my job I have to be careful on who I talk to and where I meet them. Our department has a no-fraternization policy that was sign when we get on the department. It allows them to fire on the spot if they even THINK something. In a college state, in a college city (6 schools w/in 5-6 miles, another 5 w/in the state) finding one that DOESN'T go to our school is tough.

    Its hard to find someone 24+ in a city thats all nightlife on Thurs-Saturday when I have to work :hs: Give me 2 more months and I'll be able to get into a whole new genre of places.

    The biggest thing is.... when my friends come to me and ask "what should I do", "what does this mean" etc etc, I give them the best advice and they come back to me telling my how it helped get them a partner, clear up a bad relationship etc etc. But when it comes to taking my own advise... might as well shoot myself in the balls.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2006
  13. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    Heh, being in my job and profession being the top dog is part of the job descroption :o (hense my user text). The uniform and badge to attract people, 90% of them being drunk and dont remember it the next day, but ..
    at 6'4" and 270lbs, with a loud voice and outgoin personality, its hard to miss me:wavey:

    **edit - point taken though!
     
  14. Jadix

    Jadix The Nice Guy

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    Wait you're a cop? You're not a nice guy at all! :rofl:
     
  15. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    :squint:


















    :wavey:
     
  16. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    Nice guy syndrome here. :wavey:
     
  17. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    People are with their counterpart. You don't get to go up the ladder just because your a nice guy. People must have their counterpart. You will find yours soon as biological clocks are ticking. Go to events where the girls have the guys outnumbered 10/1. You'll see that attention will come your way.
     
  18. BeHeadR

    BeHeadR Only Slightly Insane

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    Dude, if you can't get laid in Santa Barbara you have some serious fucking problems.
     
  19. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    Ah this reminds me of one of the greatest editorials I ever read:

    http://www.outpostnine.com/editorials/niceguy.html :hs:

    Yea, I'm one of those nice guys too who got friendzoned often. I'm young, but some of the guys at my job are such dick heads I can't bvelieve a girl could like them either. It's amazing. But, we can't change the world, right? So.. that doesn't mean conform into an asshole guy. It just means find that middle ground.

    Nice guy----middle-----asshole

    Nice guy traits:
    -dependable
    -comes off as a softee
    -turns into an emotional tampon because of lack of agressiveness
    -compliments too much

    Asshole:
    -basically the dick head things: not listening to her, treating her like shit
    -cocky/confident though
    -independent
    -compliments hardly

    Middle ground you should find:
    -Being confident in yourself and showing that; confidence is attractive remmeber that.
    -Remember she needs a man to lead her around, so don't a be a "lets watch the sunset" all the time, even if you really want to.
    - DOn't be a dick though; listen, still do the chivalry things.
    -dont over compliment, and do it for the little things, not the obvious ones.

    You'll get it. I hope all guys do because being friend zoned can hurt so much and I've been there done that. I got more to say I gotta go though. bbl ;)
     
  20. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    I've been thinking about this for awhile too. For me, I try hard not to let it bother me, and I do so by setting other priorities. I have the desire to be strong, not just physically but also mentally. My motivation to be strong willed keeps me from thinking about all the negative things in my life, especially when it comes to relationships.

    Of course, sometimes we just wish to be noticed. However, it seems like people pay less attention to the nice traits and qualities we have. It hurts, I know, but it's also out of our control. We can't control how people feel about us, so we have to strive to improve ourselves. Remember, we don't improve ourselves for the sake of recognition and reward. We improve ourselves to discover who we really are. That's my view on it anyhow.

    I hope you find comfort in the fact that there are many like you, and many are even worse offl; you're not alone. We should be thankful however, for what we do have. I hope you have a family who you put all your trust in. Any questions let me know. I'm still learning as well.
     
  21. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I know how you feel, I've been friendzoned before and after a couple times you begin thinking to yourself, "what am I doing wrong?"

    I'm in a good place now with my current GF, and I tell you this not as a way to brag or make you feel bad, but I'm just offering this in as my own observation to you.

    I wake up next to my girl and I see someone who is physically gorgeous, she's better educated then me, she has a medical practice that pays better then my line of work, she's better traveled, speaks 2 languages, etc etc. In almost every situation she would have been a girl that I would normally have thought is WELL out of my league.

    So I asked her, "What attracted you to me?". Her answer was simple...she said I make her laugh, she thinks I'm talented, and I'm a "nice guy".

    I don't think I'm particularly funny or physically attractive. I don't have the fancy cars or the big house. At best, all I can say is that I do the best I can at what I do, and when I'm with her, I treat her like I think she deserves because I care for her. I make sure that she's safe and I give her attention. It's as simple as that.

    How did a girl like this remain unfound all this time? She said she simply didn't look. Work and school occupied her for many years.

    So there ARE good women out there who are looking for nice guys, you're just not in the right place to meet them yet.

    Don't take the approach of being anybody you're not. If you're a nice guy, celebrate that fact and someday the right woman will come along who will just jump all over you. Just work on yourself.
     
  22. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    I appreciate the insight and advise guys I really do.

    At this time im not in the right profession to find mature people amongst "younguns"

    I agree with what you guys are saying and you know what, I tell people who ask me for advise the same things your telling me. Yay for not being able to take my own advice.

    I dunno, maybe its just seeing everyone happy and having a good time with their S.O that is causing me to be down on this subject. But oh well...
     
  23. Indrew

    Indrew New Member

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    It is easier to get laid than it is to find a worthwhile partner.
     
  24. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    Ummm read the first ... oh ...10 or so posts and you'll see why its not for me...:squint:
     
  25. Indrew

    Indrew New Member

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    Sorry. I just meant that you aren't alone. I'm not interested in a one night thing either.
     

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