Am I selfish?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by vizyn, Nov 19, 2009.

  1. vizyn

    vizyn New Member

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    Recently went through a break-up and have been doing some self reflection. I've noticed that in all my past relationships the same sort of pattern arises...

    It seems like every relationship the girl I'm with wants to do things together more often than I do. Now, it's not because I don't want to do things with them but rather I have my own interests that are separate from theirs and I like to make sure I'm taking time for myself to do the things I like. The girls I'm with tend to want to see me every day and when we're together demand my full attention. This leads to a few things..
    1. They tell me I don't incorporate them into my life enough and share the things I like with them and
    2. It causes fights which result in me feeling guilty for wanting time to myself.

    Am I selfish or something? Does anyone have any similar experiences and/or insight?
     
  2. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you are dating the wrong girls. i dont think you are selfish for wanting to do what you enjoy doing, which are things outside of the relationship and her. you just need to find a girl who feels the same way. they are out there
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :hay: Does you ex still contact you at an inappropriate rate???? What ended up happening with her?

    Now about this topic-I have to ask, when you start dating these girls how often (from the very beginning of the relationship( do you see them? I'm just curious if maybe you spend most of your free time with them and then eventually cool off, leading them to become clingy and insecure that you're "pulling away."
     
  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Doesn't sound selfish to me. Sounds like you just haven't met the right kind of girl yet. But keep looking, someone out there will not only fit your lifestyle, but she'll appreciate and love you for it because it's a RARE thing in the dating world to find people who don't want to spend every waking moment together.
     
  5. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    I don't think you're selfish but you probably aren't doing the best you could to compromise either :dunno: Can you clarify some of the things you said?

    1. When you say they "demand your full attention" when you're together, what does that mean? Are you playing video games, texting, watching tv or something and ignoring them? If you are spending time with the girl then she should have your full attention...that's kinda the point of spending time together. Save the other stuff for when you're alone.

    2. Do you start out these relationships by seeing them everyday? If so, then part of this lies with you. You need to set boundaries right from the start and only hang out a couple days a week. Learn to say no (nicely) if you want time alone. If you go from seeing a girl everyday to suddenly wanting lots of alone time then of course she will think something is wrong. Keep it consistent so you don't confuse them.

    3. Why are your interests always separate from theirs? I'm sure you must enjoy some things that you can share with them. If you don't have anything in common, then why are you dating these girls? Part of being in a relationship is sharing the things you love with the person you are with. That doesn't mean you can't ever be alone but you can't just cut the girl out of a big part of your life either.
     
  6. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Comprimise is something that married people do. I don't believe people who are dating should get in the habit of comprimising too much. The whole point of dating is to find someone you don't have to comprimise too much with.
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :ugh: come again?
     
  8. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Yeah, I know it's a foreign concept and like 99% of society believes that relationships are "hard work" and require "comprimise" and if you don't apply those two labels to your relationships then you aren't doing it right.
     
  9. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    If nobody compromised then there wouldn't be much of a relationship. Both people would go off and do their own things all the time and never see each other. If you want to be in a relationship then that requires compromising some of your alone time.
     
  10. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I don't even view things like "spending time together" as "comprimise." If you're in a relationship, that much is obvious. :hsugh:
     
  11. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    To you it is. But I don't think it is that obvious to the threadstarter or he wouldn't have made this thread :dunno: It sounds like a relationship is more of a burden to him than anything.
     
  12. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    It sounds like he doesn't want to be with the girls he dates 24/7 to me.

    The "burden" is the fact that most people today can't seem to realize that when you are dating it doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment together. In fact, even to hear my parents talk about dating, (back one generation) it was something you did once a week until you were married.
     
  13. SuperChode

    SuperChode New Member

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    If you keep looking for someone you never have to compromise with, you're going to end up very lonely.
     
  14. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Hm, I don't think people understand what I'm saying.

    "Comprimise" is a word that I choose to never use about my relationships.

    In the beginning of the year, I made a decision to never use the word "depression" to describe my moods again. And you know what? I haven't been depressed since. Even now, during this time of year when I usually enter the throws of depression pretty hardcore, I'm not depressed.

    Labels in and of themselves have huge power over how you react to things in your life. You label yourself as "X" and your mind will search for references on how you react to "X" and create feelings based off of that.

    Same principle applies here. I choose not to use the word "comprimise" (or "work" for that matter) to describe my relationships. There is shit that I can do, and there is shit that I can never or will never do. Basic "comprimises" (such as where to eat, what house/apartment to live in, etc.) to me aren't "comprimises." If I use that word, I know that the word itself implies a certain amount of "resentment" to not getting exactly what I want.

    And I never intend to settle for less than what i want in a relationship again.

    And that applies to the threadstarter in the same way. If he's the kind of guy who likes to go out with his friends, do his own thing, and doesn't want to be around a girl 24/7, then he shouldn't comprimise that or he'll resent her and what will happen is that as the relationship gets deeper, he will revert back to his old self and those comprimises will slowly slough away and it'll create problems.

    I much prefer to nip shit in a bud before it becomes a huge issue. For example, a few weeks ago I "nexted" (for lack of a better word) a girl for not getting back to me when she said she would. Sure, I could've texted her or called her and tried to work out something else, but I knew that the fact that she didn't get back to me meant that she:

    1. Wasn't interested in me enough to do so
    2. Isn't a dependable person
     
  15. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    Viper I completely understand and agree with the power of words. But you not using the word depression has nothing to do with you not being depressed anymore. I love how you take an actual legit concept and spin it to match your results. Even though the results weren't obtained through the concept.

    Words do have a lot of power. But not calling an elephant an elephant doesn't make it something else.
     
  16. greenpillow

    greenpillow New Member

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    you need to be able to do your hobbies.. but you also need to make sure you are keeping the spark in your relationship. If you are spending all of your nights and weekends with your hobbies and friends.. and only seeing the gf one or two days out of the week.. then I can see that as being selfish..

    If you are asking to do your hobbies and alone time less then half the week its not an issues and the lady needs to back off..
     
  17. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    The point is, that I never really HAD depression in the first place. But I was calling it depression and by calling it depression it made my state worse than it was.
     
  18. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    In other words, it's not that deciding to call an apple an orange will make actually make it so, but, rather, analyzing consciously if what you have really is an apple or an orange or deciding to not have apples in our possession.

    Or to put it another way, I don't choose to remove labels from my life in an attempt to try and change my real emotion into something it's not. Instead, I consciously choose which labels I want to apply to myself and I discover that the labels I tend to use automatically are actually not the correct labels in the first place.
     
  19. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    you and the fiance never comprimise?

    like you both have your favorite resturants but take turns going to each when you go out?

    wat?
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    No! Of course we have to find compromises!

    I was :ugh: at the fact that Viper seriously believes you shouldn't get married until you find someone that you almost never have to compromise for. I mean I got lucky that I found my fiance because we are so similar that we hardly ever have to compromise on anything...but I would certainly never abide by the idea that people should base a "good" relationship off whether they have to compromise often or not.
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Date women with whom you have more in common with.

    /thread
     
  22. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  23. GTLifter

    GTLifter Banned

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    ahh, that makes mucho sense now.
     
  24. vizyn

    vizyn New Member

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    She sends e-mails/texts randomly and then blocks my number/e-mail immediately after so I can't respond to anything. Other than that, no contact.

    And yes, it usually starts out hanging out way too much. :-/
     
  25. vizyn

    vizyn New Member

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    1. We hung out alllllll the time. When it came time that I wanted to do my own shit she would still want to be around me and 'co-exist' while we each did our own thing. The problem was, that was never what she actually wanted. She'd do things to purposely force my attention to her and I really couldn't do much of my own thing.

    2. Yes. I think this is probably the general trend I need to stop... it has happened in all of them. The whole beginning honey-moon period type deal I always spend way too much time with them.

    3. They aren't always separate - my last ex I actually had the most in common with out of any of my exes. However, I do like to have my own things separate from my gfs. Things I share with my friends, things I do by myself. It isn't that there is a lack of things we have in common.
     

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