SRS Am I justified in being hurt?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BadKat, Jul 30, 2009.

  1. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    Okay, so this might be a bit long...

    I just found out that my best girlfriend for the last 15 years is pregnant. That's not what's upsetting (I'm really super excited for her, it's her first baby and first pregnancy after a miscarriage last year). I tell this woman EVERYTHING, she's my daughter's Godmom, I was the Matron of Honor at her wedding, I've always been there for her and we always share important things together despite long distance seperations (she lives in SC, I currently live in WA) over the last 13 years of our friendship. But I think we're still just as close as ever. Or at least, I thought we were :hsd:

    Here's what's upsetting: I didn't find out about her pregnancy through her. I found out through a stupid status update of her husband's on facebook :ugh: The kicker? She's far enough along that she knows the sex (which you can't typically do until 18+weeks). That's what the stupid status even said "I just found out I'm going to have a daughter".

    Do I have the right to be hurt by this? I know that because of the miscarriage last year, she's been very gunshy, however, this is the woman who's my child's Godmom. She was the first person aside from my family that I called and told that I was pregnant when I got pregnant with my daughter. I've shared every important moment in my life with her, as she has with me. And now, suddenly, I'm blindsided.

    Am I justified in being hurt? Or am I just being a brat and need to get over it?
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I think you should get over yourself and gush with joy and support and love at your friend's happy news.

    Your friend has life changing news, and you think about yourself, not her.

    Maybe she has more on her plate than you did.
    Maybe she's dealing with more stress in her life.
    Maybe her miscarriage is making her do the facebook, "announcement-but-not-an-annoucement" thing.

    Lots of maybes. The only thing that's for sure, is this is a wild and scary time for her.



    Be the friend that you think you are. Be the friend you think you deserve in return.

    Maybe then, you'll receive that.
     
  3. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    not until you know more....like you said, she is gun shy after the miscarriage. she may not be telling anyone, and she could be bitching at her husband for putting that info out there.



    before you get yourself all wound up asking strangers on the internet, CALL YOUR FRIEND and say "I just saw your husband's facebook....having a girl?" and see where the conversation goes. don't be surprised if she says "I didn't want anyone to know yet."
     
  4. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    I WAS being the friend that I think I deserve and instead of even getting anything from HER, I got a stupid status update from her Husband? :ugh: I'm sorry, even if it wasn't until this week, I feel like I'm not important enough in her life anymore for her to even send me something - a text, a phone call, a fb msg, anything - herself to tell me. I think that's what's hurting the most. To share all these important, pivotal moments and then be treated like a minor acquaintance.
     
  5. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City

    I did. She didn't answer and hasn't called me back. Something tells me I won't be getting one either :sad2:

    And if that's the case, when was she planning on telling people who don't physically see her often? In the delivery room? After the baby's here? If she's 18+ weeks, she's far enough along to be planning her baby shower - something I would be doing if I had known.
     
  6. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    and on the other hand
    .......you might not be.

    take that into account before you call.
     
  7. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    And if that's now the case, then I guess I'm going to have to change my will then :wtc: Because I refuse to leave my daughter in the custody of someone who I'm not important to, should something happen to my Husband and I.
     
  8. P-Nut

    P-Nut Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2004
    Messages:
    2,708
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama.....born and raised....SMDH
    Kat, I'd keep trying until I got an answer. I do not think I could drop it, not with a best friend. I would have to know, but that is me.

    I do not think you are in the wrong for wanting to know about the wellbeing of your best friend and then finding out from her husband. Just shows that you care and are hurt by her actions, or lack there of.
     
  9. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    "me" ... "... to my husband and me."




    Be prepared. It could be as simple as "I told him not to tell ANYONE" or it could be (for you) a life-changing phone call.
     
  10. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2009
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    0
    It sounds like you two haven't talked on the phone in a while.:rolleyes: It also sounds like she just had an amnio done at four months to confirm that the baby is ok, and see that it's a girl. Maybe she's preparing to mail out an announcement by snail mail, but her hubby jumped the gun in his excitement by putting it on Facebook. Can you blame the guy after a miscarriage?
    Relax and give your friend some credit before you change the status of your friendship. Long distance relationships of all kinds can lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings.
     
  11. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    this is a good idea.

    If not being the first to receive a personal birth announcement has you flipping out to this degree, then it's probably best not to have your daughter in their care. For their sakes.
     
  12. Divine Vengeance

    Divine Vengeance New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2003
    Messages:
    20,453
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'd be annoyed. I was in a similar position last year when my supposed "best friend" of ten years got engaged and I found out a week later through her facebook. Her excuse when I confronted her about it was that "well, you're my ex, I didn't know what to say," - total bullshit considering we dated for less than six months total more than five years ago and it had never been an issue in any circumstance since then.

    She also let it slip that they set the date for sometime in the next few months a while back; I didn't get an invitation. Time to re-evaluate that friendship :hsugh:
     
  13. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    That's an awful lot of conclusions to make for not knowing much :ugh:

    Amnio's are not done on women in their 20's, miscarriage (1) or not (and yes, I know this for a FACT. You have to have several risk factors for an Amnio). Trust me, I know way more about pregnancy then I care to admit.

    And actually, while we don't talk EVERYDAY, we talk quite frequently, or send little texts here and there. It's difficult with us being 3 hours apart and her working funky hours. It doesn't always coincide with being able to have very personal contact.

    It could very well be that her Husband jumped the gun, but it still hurts.

    Wow. You're an ass. Fuck off. I'm not "flipping out", I'm hurt and upset is all, I never said "I'm never going to fucking talk to that bitch again! How DARE she not tell me before EVERYONE ELSE!" :ugh: That's not what I was saying at all. What I am saying is that I'm hurt to find out from her husband, through a FB status, as opposed to through the phone call I just had from her last week - hence the question. I just don't think that if I'm no longer that important in her life, then I don't think that's the best place for my daughter should something happen to us.

    Obviously none of you have had friends that you've kept in contact with, stayed close to, for extremely long periods of time through long distances. Obviously, The Asylum is no longer a good place for advice. Everyone on OT just attacks each other and it's ludicrous. I don't know why I even bother with OT half the time.
     
  14. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Like it or not, you're her ex.

    I'd venture a guess that her CURRENT wouldn't be too happy about her inviting an ex to the wedding.
     
  15. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    :hug: Yeah, that is some bullshit.
     
  16. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    but obviously not about her...............she may have had more than one miscarriage, which would put her in a high enough risk category to get one.

    but REALLY, at 18-20 weeks they can often determine sex using ultrasound, which is probably what she had done and how they found out.


    just so you know, you've begun flipping out.
     
  17. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite

    What you reported is that you didn't receive a personal birth announcement from your friend.

    And then you write that you will have reconsider them as your daughter's guardians.

    Now exactly WHO is over-reacting here?

    Presumably you're a good parent.


    And you chose these guardians because they're honest, dependable, ethical people who will raise your daughter in a loving, caring, supportive, ethical environment.


    People who will teach your daughter to grow up strong, and capable and become intelligent and wise.

    People who will care for her every need, watch over and shield her from harm.

    People like these are rare. RARE.



    And now, you want to throw that all away because you didn't receive a personal birth announcement, which could all be due to an small oversight by a too-eager husband.

    Still want to point the finger? Or is it, in fact, you who has over-reacted?
     
  18. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2008
    Messages:
    34,479
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Emerald City
    Fine. I'm an overreacting snobby bitch who expects a personal birth announcement. Fucking happy? Fuck off.
     
  19. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    wow seriously you're mad over this? I know a few people that waited 4-5 months before telling anyone except their parents. Another miscarriage is a possibility maybe she doesn't want to get her hopes up along with everyone else. I think you need to relax a little.
     
  20. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    i think you need to get over it. i have a girl friend like you who is pissed if she is not the very first one to know everything. i have stopped telling her most things because its a contest for her, not something she can just be happy she knows about

    best bet? be happy for your friend, maybe ask (in a happy tone, not a bitchy one) why she didnt call and see what she says. she could have a good reason. i personally dont plan on calling anyone when i get pregnant to announce it. that feels awkward. its not me. i dont care how close you are to me. i didnt call anyone when i got engaged either. its a private thing between me and my SO, its not about anyone else, its about us and its our business to share, or not share, as we please.
     
  21. Lindsay Loham

    Lindsay Loham New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2006
    Messages:
    8,500
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    If you ask for advice, you shouldn't be getting irritated when people give an opinion you don't agree with, or say something that offends you.

    With that being said, maybe she didn't say anything for fear of another miscarriage? My sister in law has had 3 miscarriages, so whenever she gets pregnant, she is very reluctant to tell anyone until things get further along.

    Whatever the reason, hopefully you two can talk and you are able to get the answers you are looking for. Either way, it is important to remind yourself how important she is to you, and to not ruin a friendship that has lasted so long.
     
  22. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2004
    Messages:
    50,618
    Likes Received:
    179
    Location:
    Dingoland
    I would be pissed off. I would leave a comment saying "wow, I didn't even know you guys were expected" and see what happens.

    Hopefully she will call back
     
  23. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    Um, it sounds like you're hurt whether you think you have the right to be or not. If you're looking for validation to go off on her (which is really the only reason I could see to even bother asking this question) I wouldn't recommend it in either case. Just tell her you're hurt that you found out the way you did, and why. See what she has to say.

    It sounds like her hubby might have been excited and jumped the gun posting it on FB. She/they might not have told anyone, or close family only, before he did that.
     
  24. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    This is the difference between men and women a man wouldn't give a shit and be happy for his bro...a woman gets pissed b/c she wasnt the first to find out :mamoru:
     
  25. Daria

    Daria New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,529
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ottawa, Canada
    I think this is probably what's going on. I've known a few women who have had repeat miscarriages and they just don't tell anyone about pregnancies. It's an extremely depressing subject, even between best friends. Something like that, a person just might be able to deal with better if they don't talk or think about it.

    If the baby is far along enough to for the mother to know the sex, there is still potential for miscarriage. She may not have been ready to tell you she was pregnant yet until she herself was more confident in the outcome of the pregnancy. Best friend or not.

    It's a touchy subject where things aren't always black and white.

    I agree you should congratulate her and don't dwell on the fact that you weren't the first to know or that you weren't notified sooner.
     

Share This Page