SRS Am I depressed or do I just think too much?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by 24/7 IDB, Nov 1, 2007.

  1. 24/7 IDB

    24/7 IDB New Member

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    This is going to be long so just a warning to you people before I start blabbing. I've been on and off reading OT for the last 5 or 6 years and just made this name to be completely anonymous. (I use the same forum name in many forums).


    I'm currently 26 years old (almost 27), and for the last 5-6 years or so I don't know if I'm depressed or happy or what. In those 5-6 years, not a SINGLE day goes by where I don't think about my life, what I've done, why I can't be more like this or that person, what my future is going to be like, why I'm not happier, etc. etc. When I was younger I used to be very hyper and talkative, but ever since maybe 8th grade and on I've become an introvert and very shy and very non-talkative.

    I come from a pretty good family, great parents (although typical Asian), great upbrining, never had to struggle etc. I wouldn't consider us to be filthy rich... maybe upper middle class would be more appropriate. My parents bought me a M3 and house when I was 21 and my dad hooked me up with my first job at a bank when I graduated from college. I was able to buy myself a S4 after working a while but eventually sold both cars to move to be closer to family.

    I think deep down I like to show off, but then I hate attention and feel awkward when there is attention focused on me. Does that even make any sense? Maybe show off isn't the best description, but impress people would be more like it. (You can probably tell from what I wrote above).

    By the way, I have a ton of thoughts in my head but can't seem to put them down into words properly and eloquently so this post will probably be all over the place.

    So after I moved, I landed a job in private equity (again family hook up) with no experience at all. They were willing to train me and right now I'm doing pretty alright, but the thing is... I know I should be ecstatic about where I am but quite frankly I'm just blah. I have an older brother and he is just the opposite of me. Very successful, very outgoing, basically everything I wish I was (minus the asshole attitude :p).

    I often feel lazy, I only do the work that is necessary to get done, I don't ask for more work, I spend a lot of time surfing the internet and just wasting time. I know I shouldn't be doing this but again, I can't stop. Every day on my way to and from work I just listen to my iPod and drown out in my thoughts. I always ask myself why I can't be more outgoing, why I can't be more motivated, why I can't come up with witty comments to questions like that other guy? Why can't I dress like so and so? Why don't I look good in this and that? How can I make a fast buck and retire and never have to work again?

    Whenever I get asked questions I give very short answers. I feel awkward talking to strangers for very long. Because of this I think many people think I'm anti-social (I don't blame them). Then I will stew over the questions that I was asked for a few hours and then come up with witty answers in my head, then I will ask myself wtf did I not answer with those witty answers? I guess I just want to be someone that I'm not? The only time when I am very social is when I'm drunk and out with friends. I actually wish I could be like how I am drunk all the time, just minus the alcohol. Whenever I go clubbing with friends and get drunk I have no problem being myself, having a good time, chatting it up with random girls / strangers. Even my friends have told me that when I'm drunk I'm a lot more fun and cooler to hang out with. But then I hate alcohol and the taste of it and I won't touch it unless it's for the sake of getting drunk and having fun with friends. Don't know if that is good or bad...

    I've got a wonderful girlfriend that I've been with for a little over 4 years now, but I feel like my mind is a mess and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

    Again, sorry if this post was all over the place, I just wrote shit down as it came to my head. I felt like I had to get it out somewhere and thought this would be the place. Thanks for reading all this if you did :)
     
  2. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    In for replies, I'm in a similar situation myself, minus the gf, the car(s), and the good jobs.

    :hs:
     
  3. 24/7 IDB

    24/7 IDB New Member

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    :hug:
     
  4. 2500

    2500 Guest

    i'd say over thinking. i can relate on a few points. my parents didn't give me a flashy car, but i had one, lol. i know what its like to want attention, but not want it at the same time. i also know what its like to never have to struggle, and to be with a great partner.

    i think your kinda stuck in a snowball effect right now. i think you may just be shy, and instead of just working on it, you think about it. as you think, you realize (irrationally) that theres something wrong with you, so you pull back even more, only to think about it more, etc. i'd say just stop worrying about stuff. talking to strangers is no biggie if you actually CARE to. i've met dozens of people where, i just don't care to talk to them, and, i end up with short answers, looking around, etc. if you meet people where you guys share similar interests, ask questions, WANT to find out stuff about them, or their car, or hobby, or whatever it is. if i went to a bar by myself, and, i dunno if you straight guys like, talk to other guys at bars or not, haha, but, if i were to be in a bar and start talking casually to a straight guy about whatever, i'd be really akward and would NEED something in common or i wouldn't care. thats why i hang in the car scene so often. i can go up to anyone there, and already have something in common with them. it opens a huge door for me, cuz i know what they are into, and i can relate to their interests, so conversations just kinda flow. i'm the guy that knows everyone by car, and everyone knows me by my car. i only have maybe 5 or 6 good friends, and a few dozen people that know "oh, the guy with the twin turbo lexus." lol. which is fine, because i know when i go out, i'll likely run into someone who knows me or knows my car, and we strike up a convo. maybe your just putting yourself in the wrong situations. i know if i went to a Magic playing, place, i'd be like "uhh, hi."

    not sure if any of that really makes sense, but it sounds like you frequent the bars, even though you don't like drinking, and your putting yourself into a situation where everyone else likes drinking, lol. i could prolly go to a bar with laryngitis and it wouldn't be much different than normal. think about hobbies you like, and start doing that. i bet you come to realize you're much more of a talker than you give yourself credit for. i mean, c'mon, a GF of 4 years? you HAVE to be somewhat enjoyable to be around, right?
     
  5. 24/7 IDB

    24/7 IDB New Member

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    Yea, I was really into the whole car scene while I was in college. Pretty much just like you said, everyone knew me by my car and I knew everyone by theirs. I went to car shows and had a bunch of sponsors and was on a car team and all that crap. And you're right, talking to strangers about cars is much easier because I know so much about it, but if it's talking about other random shit then not so much. Also, as I got older I kind of grew out of the car scene. I mean I still love cars but I'm not quite as crazy as I was before.

    I also have this thing where I don't like to tell people everything I have in fear of them pre-judging me so I will just lie and make up some shit. (Again, a perfect trait to go along with liking to impress people, right?) Right now I take public transportation to and from work, and when my boss asked me what kind of cars I used to drive I would just say "oh, a Toyota." She also noticed my watch and asked if it was real so I just said "no, it's a fake." I know this sounds retarded but I am a bit embarrassed to tell them what I have and what my parents bought for me.

    As for the girlfriend, she was actually the one that made a move on me, and aside from my family she is also the only one I can be myself around and be natural. I don't think I'm a boring person or anything like that, I just have this "wall" I can't seem to get past whenever I try to talk to a stranger. I guess part of me just doesn't care enough to try and change, which is probably something I should work on.

    The weird thing is, with my friends I'm pretty okay. But in my head I think the way I act with my friends is not appropriate and not the way I should act at work, which I think is part of the reason I am so quiet. Then the way I think I should act at work is not a way I'm very comfortable with. Sigh the more I right the more messed up I feel lol
     
  6. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    LOL shit a lot of your traits reflect mine exactly, being quiet for those reasons, overthinking, not too social but also can be, showing off but don't want to, gf making first move, etc, etc...man and I thought I was uncommon.

    I think we all have our quirks, just different from person to person. As for me, I like to think that I'm going through either a maturing stage or just a change in general. Overthinking is generally the factor that people attribute these traits to, but the question is how to NOT overthink, which has bugged me over and over.
    I always think about what others think about me and I don't want to come off a certain way, but it's partially human nature so you can't blame it all on yourself either. Regarding overthinking though, I think that occupying yourself with activities is really the key, if nothing else works.

    Regarding other 'habitual' traits, I like to believe that I'm maturing, rather than changing. I used to be a crazy little kid too, the center of attention amongst all my friends, but now in college, I'm more reserved, calm and passive. I think that I want to mature, become a good person, not narcissistic, have a better relationship and be more respectful and appreciative with parents, not take anything for granted, not do 'cool' things, be helpful, more outgoing and optimistic, not judge others, etc etc. A lot of things as you can see..but I realized tackling all those things right now won't work, as I can only do what my current level of maturity allows me to. Maturing takes time, which kinda sucks cause I don't want to be stuck thinking like this for a long time.

    For you, I think taking it step by step would be good. How? I tried reflect on a certain trait of mine, narrow it down and work from there. As you can see, it's still hard to answer the 'how' question because there is no right way to go about this, and I believe no advice can truly enable you to change, only experience can. Kinda going off tangents here, but bear with me lol.

    Anyway, the way I answered the 'how' question for myself, was to start thinking about my past, how I came from a decently wealthy family, how I had everything I needed, but how spoiled I was since the area I grew up in was so sheltered from the rest of the world, where so many people don't have what I have. That mindset slowly started sinking in (again it's not overnight), and gradually I became more appreciative of everything, which in turn made me somewhat more content with my life as of now. Some of my friends are car crazed people, them and their STI's, M3's, wannabe racers whose parents funded their cars lol. I made myself stay away from that path cause for one, I wasn't about to go ask my parents to drop 20k on a new car for me, and two, I'd feel too spoiled if I did. However, of course just appreciation isn't enough to make us happy. I still complained about things, thought about how I wanted to be different, I still judged others, wanted to show off but not in a conceited way, etc. I think that was and still is a result of human nature, how we always want more, never able to be satisfied with what we have. In your case it sounds like you want to reject the notions of typical human nature, at least in certain aspects. We can only do so much, and trying to change every part of ourselves to our liking just isn't possible.

    There's much more I could say and relate to, but like I said before, people can and will give you advice to do this, do that, but I don't believe that advice will truly allow you to be happy and content with where you are based on the things you described. For the most part, people will give you generic advice, 'don't overthink, occupy your time, you're normal,' and the list goes on. Until I hear more responses, I will leave it at this, since this is a fucking long post, and I'm not the most prolific writer so my thoughts get jumbled around as well and may not be understandable, lol, sorry.
     
  7. 24/7 IDB

    24/7 IDB New Member

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    Sometimes I wish I was more like those over achievers. You know the type in high school/college who were popular, had the good looks, played all kinds of sports, participated in a bunch of clubs, had leadership positions, got great GPAs, did well in everything they tried.

    I just keep asking myself why I'm not more like them. It's like you know what you should do but how do you make yourself do it?

    Am I just insecure? Not comfortable with who I am? Depressed? Think too much? Who really knows...
     
  8. onslaught61

    onslaught61 OT Supporter

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    It's not that easy to become someone you want to, that is why have overachievers, those who stand out from everyone else. If everyone were capable of doing that, we'd all be the same again. My motivation and drive to get better at what I like to do didn't start when I was a kid. It took maturity for me, and maturity took time and is still taking its time. You can't expect to just do everything one day, you have to start from somewhere small, baby steps. Do something small that's different, or remove yourself from something that's known to you. I removed myself from some friends in college in order to gain focus on studying, and most people wouldn't do that, but it really helped changed my studying habits. Of course it took more to actually get me to be motivated enough to excel, but that's another story.
     
  9. ay0

    ay0 New Member

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    you're nobody special and neither are any of the people you wish to be.
     

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