SRS am I cheating in this relationship...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by mitochondrial, Jan 11, 2007.

  1. mitochondrial

    mitochondrial New Member

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    Hello Everyone,

    I am not sure if my gf is fooling on me or she is too naive. I feel I am cheating in this relationship. Can any one give me some opinions?

    Me and my girl have known each other for 2 years, we are in mid 20s. She is a single child in the family, stubborn, self-confident and have bottomlines in a relationship. She had 2 exs and both of her exs are very nice to her. Not only that, everyone in her life seems to be very nice to her. Therefore, she is like a little princess in any where.

    To be with her in the first year, I feel very happy. It's because I thought I finally have someone I love to be with. We've been to alot of places by TTC and we had lots of fun. I've met her parents and they are great people to be with. Later on, we've got a job after graduated and we are planning to get settled.

    However, as times goes by, I have doubts about the relationship. During this 2 years, I paid for all of the expenses in the relationship. I mean ALL, including transportation, food and entertainment fee. I'd never get to know any of her other friends. I tried to communicate with her about the problem and she's saying that she expected guys should pay for all of the expenses, else how could she depend her life on this guy in the future. However, she spent alot of money for special days on me only (ex, christmas). And since she spent most of the time with me, she doesn't have her social life, then how could she introduce her friends to me. Often, if I don't spend my free time with her, she will be mad. However, she wouldn't give me a call even if she has the time. She said her exs always give her call, so it became her habit of not calling people but she will call her parents if she has time.

    Sound makes sense to me that she is not fooling me. If she isn't serious with me, why she let me meet her parents? However, deep inside my heart. I am complaining, how come she does not share part of the relationship expense with me? how come I'd never get to know her friends? How can we build a future if she does not want to spend any money in a relationship? She said I should trust her that she will share part of the expense when we get married cuz she doesn't expect one person can handle all of the family expenses.

    Experiencing the contraditions in the relationship, I have doubts to continue with her. I mentioned to her about that if we couldn't meet both of our expectation, it is very hard to continue. I can't expect to pay for all of the expense in a relationship and she can't expect that she would share part of the expenses. My expectation is not like sharing 50-50, but at least just share a bit to make me feel better.

    Anyway, now I feel like so happy to be with her but so mad whenever I am paying the expenses. Whenever I don't get to see her, I feel so anxious. However, if I get to see her, I feel sort of disappointed about she's doing the same thing again to me. I talked to her about the expense problem and she said she would try to change. However, I went to date with her last night and she let me down.

    I feel like I am cheating in this relationship by being a cheap bastard here. If she is that naive, then I think I really cheat on her. However, sometime I feel that she knows how to pick something to be naive with and something don't, that made me feel like she's trying to fool me by putting her what so called relationship theory...

    Any way, any one have any ideas?
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Sounds like she had her cake and ate it too, fed you a line...and you bought it.
    Her reasons are thin at best, outright manipulative lies at the worst.

    Even if the former, she's powerfully immature, and instead of her saying you need to prove yourself else how can she be with you....think instead...how can YOU be with someone who seems to see you only as a beast of burden that shoulders most of the load, but reaps little reward.

    Her behaviour now sets the tone for the future. You are being used, my friend.

    If you decide to stay with her, there needs to be a rebalancing in this PARTNERSHIP.
    Right now, there is no partnership, no 50/50 not even close.



    Now one more thing. The reality of the situation might be less dire...but the way you describe it...is pretty bad.

    Lots of anger in your words -- you come off sounding resentful and used.
    Consider that those emotions are valid, and they provide you a with an insight to the truth of this relationship.

    I think you need to have a serious talk, and be prepared to walk out.
     
  3. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    Going based on the english in the post, I'm going to assume he's not of typical north american ancestry.

    Operating under the assumption that she's of the same race as him, many cultures still expect the man to handle all the finances, while the woman takes care of the home/her man. Ultimately, this needs to be evaluated within the context of his own nationality.

    As for his issues with her, it sounds like they have communication issues, and these are the root cause of many problems.

    I'd recommend talking to her about your problems, but without attacking her. Just tell her your concerns, tell her what you'd like, and judge her response. Ultimately, whether or not her responses are true, if she's not willing/able to meet you where you need her to meet you, then you two are just too different to be together.
     
  4. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    A relationship should be approximately 50/50, and that INCLUDES expenses.

    Does she have a job? Does she have income? Then she can pay for things. The whole "men pay for everything" idea came from back in the day when women didn't work so they had no money.

    If you always pay for the girl you can never be sure that she's dating you and not your money.
     
  5. mitochondrial

    mitochondrial New Member

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    Thank you for all of your reply. I appreciate it.

    I understand communication is the key in a relationship. I talked to her about my feeling of paying all the expenses does not feel secure for me to be with her. For once, she cried because I always complained how much I spent on her during the time when we had no income, so eventually, I found a part time job and to cover the expenses. However, after serveral times of complaining in a certain period of time, she get used to it and to ignore me. For once, she did some improvements by buying me some clothes and a toy. However, that only last 2 weeks after we had a serious talk in an occassion. I thought it could be better after she got a job, however, it's still the same and considering she is earning a higher income than me. Her reply is she has high family expenses, she need to support mortage, car loan for her family. I felt so hurt after hearing that. What I understand is, she has the money to go for lunch with her coworkers, to spend on her family but not me. I am not expecting that much from her but she's not even willing to do it.

    I also talked about why she's not calling me most of the time. Her replied is that her exs always called her and took care her in the past. She couldn't imagine this could be a big problem for a relationship. However, when I phone her, she's willing to talk to me very long but that still made me feel like whether I call her or not, it doesn't really matter. If I called, she would chat with me. If not, she could just do her stuff (either watch tv or sleep, etc)

    One thing I have to mention is I felt so insecured and some what sad and mad when she decided to head for a job in a town outside of the city. Where as, I have a job in the city. I should feel happy for her because she had found a job with a better career path. However, I felt some what jealous, sad and mad because I had a feeling that she was gonna dump me. During the time when she was in the town, I didn't give her any call except dating her during weekend when she returned from the town. Eventually, I started to phone her by showing my concern and care after she moved in a few months. However, after half a year and I asked her why she didn't give me a single phone call when she is in the town. She just said I didn't even care her after she moved into the town and why she bothered? But the fact is I did care her, it just that I couldn't accept the fact in the beginning, so I was being sort of mad and didn't show any concern and care. However, I tried to make our date happy by bringing her to alot of places.

    I had a serious talk with her last week. I mentioned that I expect my gf to share part of the expense and don't be too manipulative and possessive. She said she is afraid that she cannot meet my expectation and she said I changed. I told her love is very important to me, however, I still have other things in my life, too. I can't just let spend all of my time on her and I accomplished nothing other at the end. She claimed what I did is only for myself but not for her, for example, pursue further study and to have more social life, etc. She also claimed that she feels not too secured to be with me because of something I said in the past, ex, if I am not serious in this relationship, then I would dump you and find another one if I had a chance. ex2, I am with you because no other gals like me (this one is a joke and she took it serious even if I explained). In conclusion, she said she will change but what is the point of changing if I don't love her as much as before anymore? But I gave out a try on monday and it was a disappointment. I still paid for every expenses in the date, however, I saw her change by buying her stuff without me paying for it. And I am not sure am I being too negative or not... I observed that she chose something cheap when using her own money, however, not the case where I paid the bill.

    After realizing all of the problems, confusion, dilemma in the relationship, I decided to calm down a bit and try not to talk to her. She claimed me try to ignore her (on msn) and I am a player after all. After testing her, leaving her a bunch of problems and now just want to step away. She told me I am a jerk and I am so fake infront of her parents, I let her parents disappointed. Now I am confused, am I expect too fast of a change on her? is she being too naive in the relationship? OR she know what is going on but she's still doing the same thing on me. Am I cheating on her?
     
  6. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Just so there's no misunderstanding, "cheating on" someone generally means you've gone to another girl that's not your monogamous girlfriend for your sexual needs. I think you're asking whether you're being too hard on her or expecting too much of her, which is fine, but just be aware that other people may be confused by the way you've stated it.

    It sounds like she's just staying with you out of comfort, honestly. From your side of the story I don't see any point where she's making an effort for the relationship without you telling her to make the effort. Familial obligations are one thing, but having money to lunch with coworkers but not to go on dates is suspect. Choosing cheap dates when it's her money and expensive dates when it's yours is a little rude, but she probably doesn't realize how selfish she's being (if she does, that's a big red flag that you don't want to date her).

    Every relationship takes two to work. It sounds like she's not willing to sacrifice for you, and she's comfortable with you being the always-dependable boyfriend just like the future husband she wants to pamper her someday. It also sounds like she's immature - anyone asking whether they should bother changing for someone doesn't know that anyone should only change for themselves and never for anyone else.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    You're not cheating in this relationship. Hell, you're the one being cheated, not in the sexual sense though. This girl is basically using you, and walking all over you. She's acting like a spoiled little girl...expecting to get everything she wants, but balking at any request to give back in return.

    It sounds like her life may have always been like this. The question is...do you think it is worth staying with her to try to break her out of these habits and lifestyle? If the answer is "yes", you're going to have a lot of work to do.

    If the answer is "no", I suggest getting out of the relationship...it sounds like she is using you.
     
  8. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Hey, why don't you get a job. - The Offspring

    50\50

    Expensive christmas gift? Christmas is one day, she is leaching off you 364.

    Tell her you are not pleased with the monetary issues and you want it to change.

    Tell her the guy paying for everything was dead a long time ago, chivalry is dead because woman killed it. You do not have to feel obligated to pay with hard earned money in order to love a woman.

    In fact that is so material, a relationship should be on a higher octave then that.

    If she gets mad, ask her do you care about my wallet or me, because if you care about my wallet, me and my wallet are walking out the door. Sorry sweety, but if you are dating me for money you picked the wrong fellah.

    See how she acts when she actually has to pay for her own shit. You might be very suprised in the changes in her.
     
  9. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    What if you got married and you lost your job? Would she stay with you?

    If she works and has a job, she can pay for herself. You want a girl who wants to be with you BECAUSE SHE LIKES YOU and not because you pay for her.
     
  10. mitochondrial

    mitochondrial New Member

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    That's what I am afraid of. She mentioned that she wouldn't expect her husband to pay for all of the expenses and if I lost my job, she would cover me. She even said she would buy the house with me using her RRSP. However, in the past, she just said she would not buy the house using her money but her parents will support us.

    Now, I am thinking if she is not willing to share part of the expense, then how can I trust her that she would share after we got married?

    I also wonder, am I being too materialistic and realistic in relationship?
     
  11. mitochondrial

    mitochondrial New Member

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    it's seems like in 50/50 in my cultural is unachievable in a relationship. However, I am not expecting that either... I just want her to share part of the expense.

    I told her about this problem before, she replied that relationship should not involve with $ and this is what she is afraid that our relationship will turn into. I agree with that, too. However, when we go on a date, we need to spend $ and where does that all $ came from?

    I am having contradiction of the ideal relationship concept with her. If I love her, I should shut up and go on to pay all the expense. However, deep inside my heart I feel something wrong with it. Does that mean I don't love her really? I love my $ more than her?
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Stop asking yourself this! You're not being unreasonable in expecting her to contribute to the relationship if she has a job. That bolded statement makes me think she has you doubting yourself...I'm guessing she has tried to ingrain you with the notion that "the man should cover all the expenses".

    It sounds like she is just using you, I'd get out.

    EDIT: From your last post: I told her about this problem before, she replied that relationship should not involve with $ and this is what she is afraid that our relationship will turn into. I agree with that, too. However, when we go on a date, we need to spend $ and where does that all $ came from?

    I am having contradiction of the ideal relationship concept with her. If I love her, I should shut up and go on to pay all the expense. However, deep inside my heart I feel something wrong with it. Does that mean I don't love her really? I love my $ more than her?

    Here's what it's boiling down to: She's manipulating you. That italicized statement is what she wants you to internalize. If you don't do what she wants, she makes you feel bad about it. Is this someone you really want to be with?
     
  13. mitochondrial

    mitochondrial New Member

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    I don't think it is worth staying with her if she continue to treat me in this way. I tried so many times to talk to her and she keep on ignoring me. The questoin is how come everyone saying that she is using me?

    If she get spoiled too much, that mean she did it without her awareness of knowing wether she is using that person or not, right? based on this idea, can I still say she is using me?
     
  14. mitochondrial

    mitochondrial New Member

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    Wouldn't I be too realistic in a relationship if she cannot meet my expectation?
    If both of us should not be together because we cannot meet each other's expectation... Wouldn't this is more like a trade than a relationship?
     
  15. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    It doesn't really matter whether your expectations are realistic or unrealistic. I dont know your culture, so I cannot say whether they are or arent.

    What I do know is, regardless of whether the expectations are realistic or not, if they cant be met, then the relationship cannot succeed.
     
  16. johan

    johan Active Member

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    The underlying current is that you seem willing to do anything, even accept being shafted repeatedly and without relief, in order to maintain this association that you believe is a love relationship.

    In fact, it is nothing of the sort.


    The fact that you found your way here and have started asking questions is a start and a very good sign that you realize...something...is not right.

    Now, let's hope you can accept the answers being shown to you here.
     
  17. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    .

    Never marry someone expecting their behavior to change after marriage
     

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