Am I being too shallow/superficial?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by sabin8401, Sep 28, 2005.

  1. sabin8401

    sabin8401 New Member

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    Sorry, but this is going to be a question with at least a semi-lengthy backstory. So, if you want Cliffs, please :gtfo:.

    First, my view on love and attractiveness. I do not believe in "true love." I believe that if two people are compatible, then they can unconditionally love each other and be happy. Of course, this also means that there is no such thing as "the one" (at least IMO); thus, you could potentially be happy with more than one person. I have been in a committed relationship for almost 2 years. The girl and I are very compatible, and we love each other. Before this, I had been in another relationship which was much shorter. I was happy in both relationships.

    As far as attractiveness goes, I think that there are 2 levels - beauty and hotness (for lack of a better term). I believe that beauty is a precursor to hotness; therefore, if you are not beautiful, you cannot be hot (again, IMO). However, if you are beautiful, then hotness is achievable (if you are not already there).

    Now, on to the problem/question. The girl that I am currently dating is beautiful. However, she is definitely not "hot." Everyone's definition of what is hot differs, but mine, more or less, is anyone who is not significantly overweight (and, as stated previously, is beautiful). I am definitely not into super-skinny (i.e., underweight) girls. Normal weight or slightly overweight (to the point of what some would consider to be "thick") is perfect for me.

    So, given the huge number of "hot" girls around, is having a hot girlfriend too much to ask for? I have been trying to convince my girlfriend to go to the gym regularly. I know that if she went regularly for 7-8 months, she would rapidly begin approaching hotness. I am not an unattractive guy, and I try to go the gym as regularly as possible (I am a medical student, so it is not possible at times). Of course, I try to take her with me whenever possible to encourage her to go. This summer, she kept on promising me that she would go 4-5 times a week; she would do that for 1-2 weeks, then stop, then go when I brought it up again. I was extremely optimistic about it, but now that optimism is fading. I talked to her about it a few nights ago, and she got very emotional. She began to say that it wasn't healthy of me to expect her to look a certain way. I care deeply for her, but I am not blinded by it.

    Is asking her to be at a normal, healthy weight (at which point I believe she will be hot) too much? As I have said before, I know that I could potentially be just happy (or happier) with someone else. Am I being too shallow/superficial by asking her to do this? Please spare me the "everyone is beautiful inside" speech if anyone is planning to give it. I know that I (along with almost everyone else) am shallow; I just want to know if anyone thinks that I am going to an extreme here.

    If anyone has any more questions, feel free to ask. Thanks.

    Cliffs: See first couple of lines of post.
     
  2. page

    page New Member

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    I think you are being a bit too shallow.

    Honestly, if she isn't a living blob and dresses appropriately, you shouldn't be trying to force her to go to the gym (just kind of the vibe you send out). You may be making her feel bad, essentially calling her fat, which in some respects makes her want to get in better shape, but in others just makes her depressed and unmotivated to do anything.

    Maybe try and do athletic/physical activities with her, that way she's getting a workout and having fun spending time with you too. IE: tennis, raquetball, swimming etc..
     
  3. HopasaurusRex

    HopasaurusRex Okay, now what the fuck do you want?

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    i feel your logic, but you're missing something i think most people have trouble with:

    You CAN'T try to change other people to suit your needs/desires/etc. and not expect reprecussions. If this is really bothering you that much, try to go find a woman with all the things you like about your gf plus your requisite level of attractiveness. If you want to be the master of your destiny you always have to be the one to take action.

    On that note, I bet you'll have trouble finding the woman described above. The natural progression of thought is then: time to re-evaluate your priorities.

    Good Luck
     
  4. timberwolf

    timberwolf New Member

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    :werd:
    Couldn't have said it better.
     
  5. purplebeast

    purplebeast The depths of hell and endless torture await all h

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    Whatever makes u happy I guess. I wont date girls with ugly feet regardless of hotness. Some people consider that shallow.
     
  6. Digits

    Digits New Member

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    I guess it depends how overweight she is..

    I'm kind of shallow like that.. But whatever.. I try to look my best, and the least I can expect from someone else is the same.. I hate to say it.. But if my girlfriend suddenly decided that she didn't care if she was fat.. She would be gone.. Being overweight just shows a lack of self-respect.. And if you can't respect yourself.. Then why should other people respect you..

    But this all depends on how overweight she is..
     
  7. C4172

    C4172 New Member

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    If she is as overweight as you make her out to be then you should be more concerned about her healthiness. If you are merely persuading her to lose weight just so she will be in your opinion "hot" then i would say that is a bit superficial. Definately re-consider your priorities if you love this girl.
     
  8. EyesForTheSkies

    EyesForTheSkies God made me funky...

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    i think that you're using her weight to have something tangible to direct -all- your dissatisfaction with her at... unless she suddenly says, ok honey what ever you want, i'll do... this is only going to get worse... as in... she's gonna get more and more insecure, and as a result, more clingy, needy, whiney, and in general... psycho... and you're gonna get more and more unhappy w/ her... and this thing is doomed... since you dont think she's the "one", and know that what you have w/ her isn't irreplaceable, i'd say cut your losses and get out now, before things get too messy...
    you're gonna be a doctor... lots of girls are gonna want you based just on that... so if the one who your devoting your rare free time to isn't making you as happy as you feel you should be... then why bother trying to change her, when there is one more suitable already out there... and already perfectly "thick" right now...
     
  9. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    Seems to me you're going about it the wrong way. You can't change people for you, it won't work (unless they are utterly obsessed with you, which isn't really a good thing). If she is getting overweight to an unhealthy level then she should be going to the gym (or playing sports, whatever) to get back to a healthy level for HERSELF.

    I couldn't ever be with someone who didn't give a crap about health issues or their appearance, as I love being fit and working out and it would really get to me to see someone damaging themselves like that. If she is at this level you could try and play it from that angle.

    If that doesn't work, and as seems likely you can't see past that yourself, then it's time to move on.
     
  10. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I can't stand to be shallow so I do my best to not allow myself to be shallow. Here you have an opportunity to better yourself. Are you going to make the effort or are you going to take the easy way out by staying comfortable in your old ways and even doing further criticising? Physical problems for the most part are easily changed. Mental problems are a bit more difficult to overcome.
     
  11. kai-li

    kai-li New Member

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    I think you are being shallow. You really should just cut bait with this girl. Turning people into your dream person may seem good for you, but really you are hurting her beyond belief. People fall in love with others who will accept them unconditionally "as is" when they find them (What I mean by that is if she is thin when you met her and then she gained 25kgs-- then you can be disappointed in her). But you are cutting her emotionally and thats not what a nice person does.

    Maybe I'm naive, but I always thought that when you were really in love then that person was hot for you. I think my bf is gorgeous and I have no idea why he is with me sometimes (yah I know self-esteem issues) but somedays he just looks at me in a way that is so intense and he tells me he thinks I am so hot... I know its just an opinion and not everyone is the same, but it really makes my day-- and makes me fall for him all over again!
     
  12. firekrave

    firekrave New Member

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    Dude, just got out of a relationship identical to yours. I kept saying, "If she would just lose the weight, then she would be perfect." F'd up logic. Cut it now if you can, I don't doubt you really care for her,you'll just in up hurting her in the long run if you don't. Go and find what you really want.
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I would never be able to stay happy with someone I did not find attractive.

    No matter how much I loved someone I would not find them hot if they were ugly. Period.

    Anyone who says to the contrary is just scared of being rejected for reasons they can't help. But it sounds like you are in a serious situation to the uber honest JJJ. How bad does this girl look right now?
     
  14. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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    if you dont like the relationship, end it. no sense persuing something you arent happy in, regardless of how little it might be, or seam.


    that being said, everyone has their faults. you just have to prioritize. if hot is of such importance, seek it out....but know you will most likely have to give up something else....
     
  15. timberwolf

    timberwolf New Member

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    Another possible but rather unlikely scenario is what if she really did get into working out and became totally 'hot'.
    You on the other hand, still in medical school now can't keep up to her standard of what 'fit' or 'hot' is.

     
  16. cridoubleti

    cridoubleti righteous

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    yes i do believe you are going to the extreme... i honestly feel sorry for the person you are seeing. i know that if i stumbled upon this and i was your girlfriend you would be gone. its sad that you think that you have to drag your girlfriend to the gym or even ask her to go.. the fact that she "promised" you is absolute bs. if you say that you care for her then you shouldnt give a shit. of course you have to be attracted to the person you are with but you said so yourself shes beautiful. why does she HAVE to be hot. youre gonna be one of those old men that have like 10 wives cause the one before gets too old or shes just not "pretty" anymore. you need to get over yourself and be lucky with what you have. :)

     
  17. sabin8401

    sabin8401 New Member

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    Thank you for the responses, everyone.

    I have thought about this quite a bit. Perhaps this shallowness stems from my own faults, my sometimes low self-esteem, and/or my inadequacy in dealing with both.

    As far as where she is now - she is overweight, but not obese. Unhealthy? Yes. Unhealthy to the point of her needing a drastic lifestyle change? No. And a drastic change is not what I was originally talking about at all.

    I do not want to turn her into my "dream girl" - I know that no such girl exists. I agree with what some of you have said about cutting my losses since I know what I have with this girl is irreplaceable. Maybe that is what I need to do, especially since this is my first long-term relationship.

    I guess the real question is - do I sit back and assume that this relationship is as good as it gets or sacrifice it and try to find something better? Of course, this is not something easily discussed with a significant other. She is out of town this week (all of the damn law students get a weeklong fall break; I am very jealous), so at least that gives me time to think things over.

    Again, thank you to all who responded. I truly appreciate everyone's input.
     
  18. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    True love: I never believed it. Then I met my current GF. :eek3: She is the one, and I knew it after our first date. I used to laugh at those morons who got married after a month... I would have done that to her if not for my previous nasty divorce that made me trigger shy. (But I am going to propose to her very soon.) She feels the same way. Dated morons, and she never thought a guy like me existed. Note: I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but WE are perfect for each other.

    Beautiful & Hot: I don't date hot chicks because ALL the lecherous guys hit on them ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I can't have dinner without the fucking waiter picking up on her. Beautiful works fine for me. I've dated hot chicks and ohmyfuckinggawd don't get me started on that bullshit.

    Your GF: You are not happy with her, because YOU don't have high enough standards. Now you are being REALLY insensitive to her by telling her to lose weight. That's almost cruel in my book. She won't turn into your dream girl.

    Worse, you ARE missing the opportunity to meet your dream girl, and you ARE denying her the opportunity to meet her dream man. Face it, there are guys who like her for who she is RIGHT NOW. And there ARE women out there who you would LOVE to be with. And you know what? There is a woman out there who would LOVE to be with you. Why are you ruining your life, your GF's life, her potential BF's life, and your potential GF's life? You are singlehandedly ruining 4 people's lives, in my opinion.

    You're not happy, and now you are searching for reasons to break up with her. I can see it. I've been there. You are describing the ex. Dated for 7 years, because I could not dump her because of my own inabilities, insecurities, weaknesses. She finally pushed to get married, and I caved. Another 4 years of unhappiness. We finally divorced. I wish I had done it when I broke up with her the first time. At 3 months we split, and I stupidly took her back. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and caused me to essentially lose all will to live.

    You cannot date anyone you want to change. Seriously. If she is not perfect, if she does not inspire you to take flight in your life, if she does not inspire you to be artisitic, smart, funny, happy ... then she is NOT your soulmate.

    You need to become a man. You need to hit up a few dating sites. If you are at all like me, you might like www.askmen.com and www.docLove.com. I bought the $99 system he sells and it was a HUGE revelation to me. It spoke to me like it was written about me. Give it a shot, I think he has a money back guarantee.

    Good luck!
     
  19. spyder2581

    spyder2581 Active Member

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    sounds like you already kinda screwed it up by trying to force her to do things that she didnt want to. To me it seems shallow, even though you were trying to help her. If you truly care about her then you would think that she was fine how she is
     
  20. RockChick

    RockChick New Member

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    wow! :bowdown: :bowdown: :bowdown: :bigthumb: my hero.
     

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