SRS Always screwing up a good thing

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Riconosuave, Sep 18, 2005.

  1. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    I guess you could say that I'm young ... 26. Starting to feel older and older everyday when I see friends getting married and having kids. And here I am, a 26 yr old who's never been in a serious relationship. How sad is that? I have no problems dating women, but when it comes to progressing that into a relationship, that's when I fumble. I've always just wanted to get my life in order (job, money, ect) before I pursued relationships. Everything is all set now, but now I'm screwed, b/c I'm older and just now trying to figure out how to play the game.

    That's what happened with this past woman. I've give a brief synopsis of it, if you're willing to bare with me. She was older (30), very hot, and came on strong. I met her while working out. She basically made all the first moves. She liked my car and asked to go for a ride in it some time. We exchanged numbers. Well, later that night, she called me, and told me that she was free that weekend, so we agreed to go out.

    We had a good time. The next date, she offered to cook dinner at my place (I know, huge sign/hint, but I'm naive and didn't try anything). We didn't kiss until our third date. Right off the bat, we were talking, at least, everyday. Talked everyday, and saw each other 2-3 times a week. She always drove the 45 min to my place. She never wanted me to go over to her place. Her reason was that her crazed ex was still stalking (calling, driving by, having friends check up on her) her, and she didn't want to put me in a bad situation. I though this was a bit weird.

    This continued for about 2 months, and everything was great. She always answered my calls, or would call back right away. She told me that she thought about me a lot, bragged to her friends about me, and was always curious if I was telling my family and friends about her. Everything seemed like it was moving toward being serious.

    Then the downfall ....

    After one of our dates (I specifically remember asking her to stay over, but she said she had to go home to see if "he" had called. I didn't think anything of this at the time), I didn't hear from her for 2 days. I left messages, but she didn't call back. On the third day, I called her, she was on the other line with her ex. She told me everything was fine, it had nothing to do with me, and that she would call me later. Well, I didn't listen and left a negative message on her voice mail a few hours later. I realize this is where I messed up. I should have been more secure with myself and had some trust in her. But, thoughts of them working things out were racing through my mind. She called me the next day saying how she was hurt ... seeing how she had been very open and honest about everything, yet I still thought that she may be hiding things from me. This is when she told me she didn't want anything serious with anyone for a long time! How she wanted to cut off everyone from her life, even the good people (referring to me).

    Did I mention that during this, she was dealing with a new job. The job is one hr drive for her and very weird hours all the time, so she was exhausted and stressed from this too. And me adding even more unnecessary stress to her life wasn't helping.

    We went out one more time after this, but it wasn't the same anymore. We went to a hibachi place. She was very flirty with one of the cooks and the manager. I got a bit jealous, and it got to the point where she had written down her phone number and was going to give it away to one of the waiters. After dinner at the restaurant, she asked me to wait outside for 10 minutes, while she had a conversation with the manager. I thought this was disrespectful toward me (maybe I'm wrong about this). But if I'm on a date, I'm not going to ask a girl to wait outside while I chat up someone.

    When I talked to her the next night, she told me I had nothing to worry about (manager, cook), because they weren't interested. I thought this was a weird use of words. She never said that she wasn't interested, just that they weren't. I also found out that she called the hibachi cook at the restaurant to compliment him on his cooking. No sane person does this unless they are trying to start something, am I right??? I told her how messed up it was to make me wait, and she wasn't really wanting to hear it and hung up on me.

    I knew it was done with at this point. But, I just couldn't leave it alone. Kept trying to call her. No pick ups, and no returned calls on her part for a couple weeks. When she did pick up, she'd tell me to call later, only she wouldn't pick up the second time. I suppose some of the messages I left didn't help the situation.

    I called her again last week, and we spoke for about 15 minutes before my reception got disconnected. I told her if she didn't want me to call, all she had to do was to say it, and it would be over with ... just don't leave me hanging in the dark. She replied that if that was the case, she would tell me. She told me she hasn't really been talking with anyone, so I'm not the only one not getting call backs (I still think she is with her ex or met someone else). She told me that for a while there, she was ready to start something serious with me, but she got turned off when I started being pessimisstic, negative, and jealous (these are things I know I need to deal with). Now, she isn't even sure if she ever wants anything serious with anyone. She just doesn't have a lot of time with her work (drive and hours are starting to wear her down) and still dealing with ex issues (he was emotionally abusive and just not a very good guy). She is fine with us being friends and talking and perhaps, hanging out when she has some time, which I think may be never. Since the reception was bad, she told me to call her later, which I said I would, but I haven't.

    Sorry to put you through all this. I just needed someone else to hear it. This is pretty much the story of my life with women. I always find a way to ruin a good thing. I haven't spoken with her since last week. I'm trying to figure out if I can handle being her friend for right now. A small part of me wants to have her in my life, but I'm not really sure what good this would do for either of us. A large part of me thinks that the best thing to do would be to just never call anymore. At this point, it can never go back to the way it was, and I don't even know how to get it back to that point, if it were possible. So, I'm just causing her stress, and making things difficult for myself. It's just that I was starting to really care for her. I'll give it a few weeks to think about it. I know I'm making way too big a deal out of this.

    Cliffs: Meet great girl. Start to care for her. Messed it up. Now trying to figure what my options.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I don't agree i think you did the right thing, i mean what's a guy supposed to think if 'she doesn't let you come over to her house' , if ' she is away at strange hours' along with 'suspicious talks about her ex'

    Now for me these could be all well signs that she was 'married' and had an 'affair' with you and didn't want you to know about it. I mean that to me is a very valid reason to be suspicious. Now you maby very unexperienced into the whole dating thing , but still i can only applaud for how you acted. I mean you are right that its wrong that she let you wait. There are a few things that i just want you to know.

    'older' single woman/people usually have a past, most of the time not great ones. They leave from a relationship because of the ex or because the woman is psycho herself, people in stable relationships won't be available because they are married with partners. I think she made a mistake by not inviting you over, that only naturally causes suspicion. Most females enter a marriage fairly at a young age. I think you made a wise choise with your job/money etc. You got your life arranged, and you know for you its just a matter of being like a fisher, you have to fish patiently and try to catch the biggest fish. You can do it, its just a matter of doing it in time.
     
  3. MikeYOX

    MikeYOX May 2000 account: DELETED :(

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    I have to agree. The things she was doing would not slip by easily with any rational human being. She was keeping secrets from you, she was disrespectful to you, and you had every right to ask her why she was treating you this way.

    Don't get all depressed over not having a serious relationship or marriage. I work and hang out with men 15 and 20 years older than me who are successful but stillsingle, and they don't seem to have any regrets. Finding the right woman for you is far more important than simply "filling the gap".

    Keep sharp, stay on track, and you will become a successful man that any woman would love to have.
     
  4. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    Thanks for the kind words. After this whole ordeal, I was having a pretty rough time for about a week. Beating myself up and overthinking the whole situation. But, I finally heard what I needed to hear from her. I've been feeling tons better the past couple weeks. Me being crazy and trying to contact her, after the fact, only slowed down my recovery process. I realize this now. Prior to this, I would have never talked to my friends, family, or even posted here for help. But I'm being more open now, and everyone has been a great help to me!

    I'm realizing that it really wasn't anything I did wrong. Is it wrong to worry and care about someone ... to want to be there for them through thick and thin? I did so much for her in that short time span, and what I got was a slap in the face in return. I don't hate her, nor am I mad at her. I'm glad I was there to help someone in their time of need. I do hope everything works out for the best for her. But, I shouldn't have to change myself for anyone. I'm not going to call her anymore. If and when she ever decided to pick up the phone, which I suspect will be never, I'll still be friendly and civil toward her. Thanks.

    PS She was already married once when she was in her early 20's. It didn't last too long and she was the one to end it.
     
  5. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    What car do you have that she liked?
     
  6. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    That's not important anymore. It's over. But if you must know, I drive a Infiniti 2 door sports coupe. Love the car. Didn't buy it to pick up chicks, which it does, but it's not the type of chicks I'm looking for. I need to pick up a beater and use that for the first few dates, but I'm looking into buying a house in the near future first.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2005
  7. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    Oh yeah, G20 or G35?

    I felt it was important, sorry.
     
  8. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    I didn't mean to come off like a prick. You have nothing to be sorry about. It's a G35. I'm just trying to keep a shread of anonyminity, but it's all out in the open now and it's over, so no big deal. I realize she may have just liked being treated nice and having her dinners paid for. If I ask someone out, I always pay for them. Just the way I am.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2005
  9. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    Wait, did she put out?

    I was just curious about car you had because I doubt she would have told you that if it was a Civic, like mine :(, but I figured it had to be something nice.

    Honestly, it seems to me like she was looking for a good time. You offered it to her for awhile, and then she got bored. She probably decided to look for her next fling. I don't believe it was your fault, probably hers. Live and learn, :)
     
  10. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    Nope. It was all my fault too. Before we went out on our first date, I told myself I was just looking for a good time. All the signs were there, but as I got to know her, I wanted to take things slow ... turn it into something more serious and meaningful. Boy was I way off base on that assessment.
     
  11. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    Damn, you should have hit it. Not to say that so typically, but it seems like that was her ultimate goal. It seems like she wanted to have sexual relationship and thats all.

    If you don't want to see her anymore, then don't call or anything.
    If you want too, I'd call her and ask her to have dinner at your place. Then try to put the moves on her.
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Two months went by and you didn't make a move?
    And she was giving out her number to the restaurant staff, but it's "OK" because they weren't interested?

    Dude, you should have made a move sooner. Much much sooner (I know you realize this now) as soon as you get whiff of being jerked around like that, it's time to realize that she's not into you long-term. Just accept it. Don't get pissy over it (it's hard, I know your feelings were hurt). But just switch gears immediately. Ignore the phone number game, and just have sex with her that night. THAT NIGHT. Don't let her go home without, otherwise, it's done. All your effort was for naught. That should have been your goal right from the start.

    Oh and if you hook up again, there's no need for smooth romantic moves. This girl is a player. She's shown you that.

    Obviously, don't force her, but just start kissing her and then proceed to having sex. It's just that simple.

    I'm guessing a girl like this...is into it, and will just go ahead and do it. The only thing stopping you...is YOU.

    Quit with the nicey nicey romance. Hit it. And then, hit it again.
     
  13. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    ^
    ^
    fo sho.
     
  14. Riconosuave

    Riconosuave New Member

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    I can't change who I am. I'm not the one night stand, hit it and quit it type of guy. As much as I would like to be this type of guy sometimes, it's just not me. I prefer getting to know a woman before becoming fully intimate. That's when it means something to me.

    It was more complicated then that johan. I didn't say it was ok for her to pretend like she was going to give her number away. That pissed me off. She was the one that said I had it was ok because they weren't interested. She was testing me or trying to make me jealous, which she succeeded in doing. I don't need or want these games and headaches.

    And, no, I cannot and will not call her anymore. I already called her way more times than I should have after it was clearly over. The balls in her court now. She's the one dealing with problems. If and when she works them out, she has my number. I'm pretty certain she will never call. Even if she does, I'm not sure if I really want to talk to her anymore. Time for me to move forward.
     

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