MIL Air Force maintenance problems and solutions.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by brackac, Jan 7, 2006.

  1. brackac

    brackac Fuck all of this. OT Supporter

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    list of actual responses made to squawks, the Air Force term for maintenance complaints by pilots.

    Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
    Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

    Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
    Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

    Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
    Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

    Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
    Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

    Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
    Solution: "Evidence removed."

    Problem: "Number three engine missing."
    Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

    Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
    Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

    Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
    Solution: "Live bugs on order."

    Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
    Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

    Problem: "IFF inoperative."
    Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

    Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
    Solution: "That's what they're there for."
     
  2. mrduke

    mrduke OT Supporter

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    :rofl: those are great

    We've gotten a "system inop in O-F-F mode" before :rofl:


    edit: in the Navy they're called gripes, fyi
     
  3. Rodthrower18

    Rodthrower18 New Member

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    fuckin golden, mind postin up some Navy eq's mrduke ?
     
  4. mrduke

    mrduke OT Supporter

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    'Inop in O-F-F' is the funniest I've seen. We get random dumb ones like such and such system inop when it's not installed in the aircraft, but I never have time to think up smart ass corrective actions like those brackac posted.
     
  5. Jeg1983

    Jeg1983 OT Supporter

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  6. SweetDaddyO

    SweetDaddyO we need a montage!!

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    they do their best to teach us how to troubleshoot without bothering maintenance. funniest story i heard was of a lt col who was re-qualing, and couldn't get one of his MFDs to work. he tried everything, re-loading his avionics twice, talking to his wingman, everything. finally he called maintenance up, and the 19 year old airman turned the "brightness" knob - the MFD had been on the whole time.

    but then apparently the airman got a little snippy and said something not very respectful over the radio, and the col chewed his ass for it. still a funny story though.
     
  7. aftershock-

    aftershock- rawr -.-

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    :rofl: thats classic
     
  8. SweetDaddyO

    SweetDaddyO we need a montage!!

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    you'd despise the B-1 then. the plane breaks if you look at it wrong, and our maintainers are WAY understaffed. the Col said something about having only 12 maintainers per A/C, when we're supposed to have 21.
     
  9. Jeg1983

    Jeg1983 OT Supporter

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    :rofl::rofl:
    My first instructor was a B-1 Crew Chief, it seems like those things never fly they just sit there and break
     
  10. Ranger-AO

    Ranger-AO I'm here for the Taliban party. Moderator

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    781's ruined my signature. People could actually read my signature before I got Red X qualified. :hsd:
     
  11. mrduke

    mrduke OT Supporter

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    I always chuckle when they're starting up the helos on the flight deck. Looks like the entire squadron is standing there just waiting for something to break. :mamoru:
     
  12. BlackHBDX

    BlackHBDX The grey fixer

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    I had a flight engineer once write up that the "A/C needs to be 2 degrees warmer in full cold position." Then he got pissed when I told him I couln't do that.
     
  13. BlackHBDX

    BlackHBDX The grey fixer

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    I've heard nothing but horror stories about the B-1 in the maintenance world. Did you ever hear anything about the "Mad Shitter?" I had a friend of mine stationed there a few years ago and he said they were having a problem with a guy who took a shit in the cockpit of several B-1s. They could never find out who did it. Did you ever hear about this or was he just BSing me?
     
  14. SweetDaddyO

    SweetDaddyO we need a montage!!

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    i'm very new to the community, but i haven't heard anything - i'll ask around though.
     
  15. Jeg1983

    Jeg1983 OT Supporter

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    :rofl::rofl:
     
  16. Eng

    Eng New Member

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    That same thing kept happening to some of the c5's at travis. It finally stopped when they actually had to brief at roll call please stop shitting on the floor of the latrine
     
  17. PlutoBHG

    PlutoBHG New Member

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    haha we have those all over in the navy, we call them phantom shitter

    just recently someone found shit under his pillow in his rack...good times watching the moron master-at-arms (MP) try to figure out a way to investigate it
     
  18. C5Load

    C5Load OT Resident UCLA fanatic

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    no, i don't think you've lived til your pilot tells ATC that he hears them 5 by 5 (loud and clear), and the ATC responds with "Roger, cleared to flight level 550"
    :rofl:
     
  19. C5Load

    C5Load OT Resident UCLA fanatic

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    we find deuces in the interphone cord bag on the front of the nav table. :squint:
     
  20. SweetDaddyO

    SweetDaddyO we need a montage!!

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    i've heard stories of people hearing "request FL600", with ATC responding, "roger, you're cleared FL600 if you can make it", and the a/c responding "roger, descending..."

    damn U2s...:squint:
     

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