SRS against my better judgment... being friends with my (recent) ex... long

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Taylor, Feb 17, 2005.

  1. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    Ok. So, my boyfriend broke up with me because his life is really complicated and stressful right now and basically he can't handle a relationship at the same time. He still likes me a lot and we're really great together, but it just can't happen right now. We've talked it out a lot, and he really wants to be friends and hang out so we can still enjoy each other's company. He just said we can't be a couple, at least while he is dealing with the issues he needs to address in his life.

    So I told him I'd do the friends thing with him. We're going to start hanging out again after he gets back from being out of town this weekend. He broke it off a week and a half ago.

    The problem? I'm in love with him. I know he isn't there. His whole premise for ending it was to do so before feelings got too strong so feelings weren't too hurt. Well, I guess it worked for him, but not for me. It's not like there is no attraction, he just isn't as far along as I am. I tend to fall faster and harder than most people, but I just know that about myself and keep things to myself until the other person is at the same place.

    So I'm going to be hanging out with him now. I've already seen him on several occasions in friendly but casual settings, and we act the same together, just no touchy-feely lovey-dubbey stuff.

    I had a talk with him the other day and told him that basically, I wanted him to tell me if he thought we would not get back together at some point. He said he couldn't say one way or another, because while he would like to, he didn't want to get my hopes up but also could not say it was a definite no. I told him that it's likely I will want to be a couple for quite some time, and I can't help feeling like that. I told him all that, so he was aware of how I'm feeling. He feels it's good we put everything out there so we both know where each other is as far as feelings go.

    Before people start jumping on him for acting like that, he really is dealing with a lot. It makes my life look like a cake walk and I am far from issue free. I don't blame him for not being able to handle a relationship right now.

    I have had advice not to "wait for him" — but I don't think that I would pass up a serious opportunity. However, as long as I'm single and there are no opportunities on my doorstep, that's pretty much what I'll be doing.

    I haven't told him I'm in love with him, that would just make things awkward. The thing is, I don't know if I am going to end up more in love with him or less so as time goes on being friends.

    I guess what I'm saying is that I'm confused, and the rational side of me says what I am doing is a bad idea, but the emotional side of me is saying, I'm in love with him, and I want to be around him, in whatever capacity is appropriate given his situation, and just hope for the possibility of a future.
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You'll end up hurting yourself if you keep this up. You obviously have feelings for him, and I suspect you want to keep it going and secretly hope his will develop as well.

    Which is fine, as long as you realize it's going to be an emotional rollercoaster for you, up until the point when you know -- for sure -- either way. Either it's a definite yes yes yes, or it won't happen.

    Most people can't bear to live in limbo for very long. Good luck to ya.
     
  3. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    That is definitely true.

    That is sort of what I have accepted. It will either be worth the wait, or it will be a long unhappy learning experience. Time will tell.

    I may decide after a month, a week, a year, that I can't do it anymore. I figure, no harm done at that point. But if I force myself to make a decision, I will constantly regret not trying. At least if I give it a shot, I can say I tried, and it just wasn't meant to be.
     
  4. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    I don't know your ages, demographics, or other stages of life.

    Yes, I do know that sometimes "real life" can get in the way of a relationship, and yours obviously wasn't so far along that he knows you are in love with him.

    Pity, cause if it had been, an honest, open relationship could be just exactly what he needed to help him deal with all of whatever it is he's going through.

    In any relationship, be it friends, be it more - there are typically times where one half of the partnership helps ease the burdens of the other. The scary part of that delicate balance is when one tries to serve the other too much at the expense of their own needs.

    It's ok to do so and to give w/out the expectation of anything in return - but in my experience honesty is the most important aspect of any type of relationship.

    From the sound of your post, you already realize that you are in for a very very rough ride. I don't usually give out advice, but I would STRONGLY advise against any moments of physicaly intimacy during this "friendship" phase.
     
  5. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    We did have an honest and open relationship. The only thing I didn't tell him is that I was falling in love with him and the reason is because I didn't want to scare him off.

    I helped him as much as I could with dealing with his problems. He now has more than twice the support group he did before, because all of my friends are willing to be there for him too. I got him talking with one of my close friends because he didn't previously have anyone to talk to about his problems, he just had to stew over them by himself. I tried to get him to talk about the problems with me but there was an obvious conflict there between him trying to deal with his problems and dealing with the relationship.

    I was not planning on intimacy. I agree that would be a bad idea. I don't think he would want that either, so it shouldn't be a problem.

    :hsd:
     
  6. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    it's totally up to you... you have to decide where to go from here.

    the upside is that you realize how you feel about him. imo, knowing is half the battle. still, the brain does crazy things, and sometimes people have a hard grasping the reality of the situation. you can either tell yourself to ease up and step back, while continuing to be friends, or you can take yourself out of the relationship, now friendship, until your thoughts are clear.

    i realize you want to be there for him, to not only help him through his situations, but also because you love him. ;) we can't always have what we want in life. sometimes it's important to ensure our own well-beings are taken care of.

    imo, i would cease friendship, if just momentarily, if you know you cannot go on as platonic friends.

    good luck :)
     
  7. CBBaller

    CBBaller keira is below.

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    If it were me, I wouldn't remain friends. I've done that too many times. It's too painful, in my opinion. So I wouldn't do it.
     
  8. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i think u should take some time away before you decide to be friends with him.
     
  9. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    Oh, I know I can be friends with him, it just is going to be hard. I'm pretty good at concealing feelings that could make things awkward (not that it's anything to be proud of).

    And part of me (well, a lot of me) just has an ulterior motive of wanting to hang out a lot and become even closer, so that when he is feeling better about what he is dealing with, resuming our relationship would be more likely.

    That's why I said it's against my better judgment. I know it's not best for me... but it's what my heart is leading me to do at this point. :hs:
     
  10. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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    i think you hanging around will not make it easier on him either. the thing is, the only way you realize what something is to you is to lose it. you need to pull away so that he can see what you really are to him. i think ud have better chances of getting things to work out this way rather than trying to hang around him and hoping he comes around.
     
  11. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I always find it so odd that girls try to defend the guy's bad behaviour. Instead of forming exuses try to look at the facts. And since love makes blind this is very hard if not impossible to stay rational with your decisions.

    Basically i know already what you are going to do, and that is to wait, and stay around and talk with him until he's ready, but in reality you already want a relationship now. In the end this guy is not going to be right for you.

    The reason is this.

    You need a stable partner, one who has his things organized and who's life is not in a mud pit. The time for him to recover could take years ,maby even decades before he is ready for another relationship, and that's why you already have been given the advice to move on with your life.

    Since he isn't (stable) and you have no idea when he is gonna be just that, you MUST go on with your life. You MUST get yourself a loving nice guy who suits your needs and although your ex-bf probably just gave you that, you must get yourself a new boyfriend who confirms to all your requirements. For it's too short to wait, you can never wait, because you will be too old too soon which seems strange now but is the truth over some time,and it's far harder then to get into a new relationship. The longer you wait, the harder it gets, the less relationship experience you gain.

    Also, you broke up with him which is proof that you can't maintain a relationship with him, that's why a fresh start with a new bf is needed, start dating other guys. Even if in a later period you break up with them, your ex might be ready, and you'll have the ++ experience that you did up in the new relationships you had compared to that of a situation that you would have been waiting for him.

    That's why it has all the benefit that you start a new relationship with a new guy now.
     
  12. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    A couple of things:

    1) I'm not a girl. No big deal, your advice still applies.

    2) I didn't break up with him.

    3) I'd love to get in another relationship where the person was better for me, but it is just so hard, I go to a small college in an isolated area and there just aren't that many places around here to meet people.

    Thanks for the advice, though, and it is definitely helpful.
     
  13. dzima

    dzima Guest

    I'm sitting in his shoes. I have a girlfriend that I love to death. I have been with her for 9 ms. I have alot of stress. My girlfriend and I have talked about it and it has made it alot easier on me to know that I have the support of her being by my side through my isues. If he loves you and you guys had a strong relationship maybe you need to cosider the same. I'm not telling you what to do just giving options that have helped me. Hang in there! you only live once, make the best of your time.
     

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