LGBT =/ after 6 months, the bf and i hit our first snag, and it's not small.

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by novo, Jul 9, 2007.

  1. novo

    novo Pokey Man OT Supporter

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    i caught the bf consorting to cheat on me and i don't know how to take it.

    so earlier last week he spent hours and hours on the comp the other day writing a story (he writes often), but i thought it was funny that he was writing it in gmail, and not word as he usually does. i asked if i could read it and he said no and kept changing the screen anytime i went by.

    a few days later i noticed he left himself logged into gmail before he left to work and so i took a peek to find his story. well, it turned out it was a really hot fantasy story between him and this daddy type, but it was also sent to a guy with the same name as the guy in the story..hmmmm. The things my bf was doing to this guy in the story was things he's never done with me. things i've wanted him to do to me. things he got all bashful from when i tried them. so I decided to search emails for this guys name.

    A chat log came up from last thursday in with this guy, a really long one. and basically my bf portrayed our relationship as open but don't ask/don't tell..which is quite the opposite of what i thought our agreement was. he also explained that he's already been with one other guy, and that i've been with three (not true! not even one!). and then my bf went on to try to set a date and time they can act out this fantasy. the guy played it off like it was just harmless fun but then my bf persisted that they should really try sometime. the rest is just more stuff that makes me sad.

    so, anyways i confronted him about it. he says he must have misunderstood when i said i wanted a closed relationship for a don't ask/don't tell type :)hsugh:).
    and when i asked about the guy he did cheat with, he says he was referring to the time we brought someone home together, which doesn't make sense because that's not cheating and we've brought somebody home 2 other times besides that.

    so his explanation is...he's embarassed about his fantasies (which was a little out there...but i liked it) and he can't play them out with people who know him well, only with strangers. I believe him, and i believe he loves me but this is really hard for me to take openly. i love him so much and i don't want to leave him because we get along so amazingly well, i just wish he could have been open about this, like, before we decided to live together.

    so basically:
    1) i'm not the type he fantisizes about
    2) he wants an open relationship

    :dunno:

    this should be a warning, right? why is he insisting that i have nothing to worry about? sorry if this isn't the right place to talk about this stuff, but i'm still recently out and this is my first bf. i don't have many gay friends and i don't think my straight friends would understand.
     
  2. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    well, if it's not a problem now (his desire of a different physical "type"), it's going to become a problem in the future...

    If you're not his type, he'll still desire that type no matter how much he loves you... so he's always going to want to go outside the relationship to fulfill those desires.

    And if that's not cool with you, then the relationship will not succeed.

    I was with a guy who was with me, even though I wasn't his physical type either.
    He tried to supplement it with twink porn (and if you've seen me, you know that I'm so NOT a twink). And then, our sex life just stopped altogether. And then, after six years together, he started surfing the online personals for his type...
    And that's when we ended it... when I realized that it wasn't going to work because we were not heading in the same direction as a couple...

    Point being... talk it through with him. Tell him your needs... Listen to his needs... and then figure out if you can give each other what you need.

    But, overall, it seems to me that you don't trust him very much.
    And a successful relationship is based on trust... so, that's one of your first steps, as I see it.
     
  3. novo

    novo Pokey Man OT Supporter

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    Thanks Sam :)

    The reason I have my doubts about him is that it's been really hard to get him to open up to me, which now makes sense because he's embarassed and somewhat shamed by his fantasies. Now that it's in the open hopefully he can let me in but a lot of the answers he's been giving me so far just seem really patronizing. Like he's just saying what I want to hear instead of being honest.

    He's leaving for Oz at the end of next friday for 3 weeks (see other thread).
    maybe the time apart will be a good time to re-examine my options. :hs:
     
  4. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    im not gay or lesbian or anything but i wandered in here :wiggle:..
    here's my opinion:

    1. he obviously knew this would hurt you and upset you or else he wouldn't have hid it.. so i wouldnt take his excuses of being "embarassed"

    2. he may be embarassed or what not, but your his partner, if anything i would think he would be more comfortable with you than anyone else (since you two live together).

    3. theres no such thing as an open relationship imo.. people try to make that work, it doesn't. open relationship = selfishness.
    its an oxymoron for real.

    4. i wouldnt take his bs, and i would be a lil selfish myself and go to someone who actually wants a real relationship.

    you seem like a great guy, i dont know all the details except what i read from your post... but speaking from a very non-emotional, just my head i would say move on, there's better, and u deserve that.

    i realize your emotionally attached, and i know how cloudy it gets when ur emo (emo queen right here! :wavey:) but really try to think of it logically...
    what advice would you give to your brother or whoever you love, if they were in this same situation?

    good luck :sadwavey:
     
  5. novo

    novo Pokey Man OT Supporter

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    Thanks Daneeyah.

    Yeah well I guess it is a little different if you're a gay male.
    open relationships are pretty common here in SF, and I'm not against having one, just not yet.
    Most of the open relationships i know opened up after being together for a couple years or so.
    Men like variety, that's a fact.
    For me, it's just too soon.

    but i see what you're saying, especially about him knowing it would hurt me.
     
  6. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    Well, it seems you both love each other but you both want something different from your relationship, he is expecting one thing and you are expecting the opposite....like Chris says...that will bring issues in the future. Be careful, at least you are informed now.
     
  7. stolid_agnostic

    stolid_agnostic One who is both stolid and agnostic. Get a diction

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    my two cents is that you cannot force a situation to occur or be appropriate, only react to what life presents you. don't try to force it to be what it cannot be, ok? be open that you two may not be able to compromise beyond what you are capable of compromising.

    also, be open that you can heal this situation and that you can find a new norm. perhaps you can use it as a learning experience to force you to be more open to each other in the future.

    best of luck, novo, with making this situation work better. let us know if you need anything. :wavey:
     
  8. novo

    novo Pokey Man OT Supporter

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    thanks. :)
     
  9. novo

    novo Pokey Man OT Supporter

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    That thread was about taking him up on the offer or not while he was gone.
    And him being having fun while on vacation in Australia is one thing, him cheating on me with someone here in the city that he can see repeatedly is another.

    Also, we had talked and were open about that, this is him going behind my back.
     
  10. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    I'd never be able to be in an open relationship... I require monogomy between two consenting adults (me and him) in a committed relationship.

    I agree with daneeyah
    I think that an open relationship is a way both people can be selfish...

    I understand the idea that no one person can fulfill all your desires and needs. But, one person sure can fulfill most of them, if it's the right guy. And when you've got someone who loves you, whom you love, who can fulfill most of your needs, and whom you can fulfill most of his needs... that's when you've found "the one".

    So, maybe he and you are not right for each other, in the long run.

    But, that's me and my gay little world... I'm sure rural New Hampshire is a LOT different than San Fransisco.
     
  11. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest




    i have mad respect for you :wavey:
     
  12. spiffy_badrock

    spiffy_badrock I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

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    How did you guys turn out? Hope everything is okay
     
  13. camarosrool

    camarosrool yes i am

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    .
     
  14. novo

    novo Pokey Man OT Supporter

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    Oh, while he was away in Oz he says he realized how important i was to him and swears he'll be more honest with me in the future. :hsugh:

    I told him that's incredibly sweet, but instead of just believing him and taking his word for it, I explained that I don't want to stand in the way of his wants and needs so maybe an open relationship might be a better choice. Especially considering that while he was away I did sleep with a few other guys and had fun :o but my love for him didn't diminish any.

    He knows that I messed around (and I told him who with) and he didn't seem to like it at all, which was a good sign. So, in the end I forgave him. Right now we're both happy being monogamous (the sex has been great since he got back ;) ) but eventually we will be opening up, as long as we are honest to each other and know who each other is messing around with.
     
  15. camarosrool

    camarosrool yes i am

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    well sounds like good news :)
    glad to hear you guys are getting on the same page at least
     
  16. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest


    :werd:
    glad everythings okay now :)
     

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