I'm actually wanting to drink again. I've worked the steps, sponsored people, been sponsored and now, I'm thinking that returning to drinking might actually not be a bad idea. Now I have no desire to return to the really awful stuff that I experienced in the later days of my drinking before AA....not at all....but I'm starting to question a lot of things now. I'm not angry or upset, in fact I'm quite calm about the whole thing....it just sounds like fun to me. You know what keeps me from doing it tonight? I'm scared that shit will fall apart really quickly.....like I'll be back to drinking the way I used to drink in no time and I'll be powerless to stop it. I don't want that. I also don't want to toss away such a long time. Yeah I know we all only have one day but people treat those with 20 to 30 years differently and I've worked very hard to get here. Drinking again seems like I'm just throwing it all away....but then I think, what am I actually throwing away other than a label or a trophy or something like that. Moderation Management and Rational Recovery are starting to have a lot of appeal to me. I'm in a strange place because I didn't think I would be here and it doesn't really feel like a bad place. I actually feel quite empowered. So I'm not saying I'm absolutely going to drink again. I may change my mind and I'm not even asking for help because that doesn't feel right....I don't feel like I need help. I don't feel like anything is wrong....quite the opposite. So....thought I'd throw it out there for discussion and see what ya'll have to say.