SRS After 14.5 years....I want to drink again

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Coottie, May 30, 2009.

  1. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I'm actually wanting to drink again. I've worked the steps, sponsored people, been sponsored and now, I'm thinking that returning to drinking might actually not be a bad idea.

    Now I have no desire to return to the really awful stuff that I experienced in the later days of my drinking before AA....not at all....but I'm starting to question a lot of things now. I'm not angry or upset, in fact I'm quite calm about the whole thing....it just sounds like fun to me.

    You know what keeps me from doing it tonight? I'm scared that shit will fall apart really quickly.....like I'll be back to drinking the way I used to drink in no time and I'll be powerless to stop it. I don't want that.

    I also don't want to toss away such a long time. Yeah I know we all only have one day but people treat those with 20 to 30 years differently and I've worked very hard to get here. Drinking again seems like I'm just throwing it all away....but then I think, what am I actually throwing away other than a label or a trophy or something like that.

    Moderation Management and Rational Recovery are starting to have a lot of appeal to me.

    I'm in a strange place because I didn't think I would be here and it doesn't really feel like a bad place. I actually feel quite empowered.

    So I'm not saying I'm absolutely going to drink again. I may change my mind and I'm not even asking for help because that doesn't feel right....I don't feel like I need help. I don't feel like anything is wrong....quite the opposite.

    So....thought I'd throw it out there for discussion and see what ya'll have to say.
     
  2. CRXican

    CRXican God Loves Ugly

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    I think you're just bored and looking for attention and/or entertainment.

    If I had stayed away from something that long I don't see how I'd even consider doing whatever it was if I really remembered how bad it was when I did do it.

    I think the term alcoholic gets thrown around too often but as a fan of the TV show Intervention I've seen that it can be a real "disease"

    There seems to be plenty of people that drink and continue to function. They go to work and meet all their obligations but they like to drink. How bad is it? I don't know enough to say much more, I'm just kind of blabbing.

    Again, I'm calling BS but if you're serious, I'm sure the real support will chime in.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You think I'm trolling R2R? You should check my posts in this forum. I do not troll here and this is a 100% serious thread. Look I'll get my jollies elsewhere but I take recovery very seriously and trolling here is just not right.

    I know these are just words on a computer screen and you can't tell how sincere I am and that's cool. I can assure you of this, I have NEVER and will NEVER troll R2R....main forums, sure....other sub forums, yes but only certain ones.

    However, you are right about one thing, I am looking for entertainment but not from this forum....from drinking.

    Well see that's the thing about time, not only do you forget about how bad it really was, you also remember it how good it was....afterall it wasn't all bad. In fact, quite a bit was good....it just got way out of hand.

    I've identified with the term from very early on and heard a lot of myself in the rooms of AA. But I'm now starting to think differently about long term sobriety, my life and how things have progressed throughout my recovery.

    I'm not sure if I'm out of my mind or I'm actually thinking rationally. It feels rational but I've heard other AAs say these sorts of things and think, "Man they're really in denial."...but this really doesn't feel like denial or like I'm hiding from something.

    Call BS if you want....my posts in this forum are all the proof you need....there have been plenty.
     
  4. CRXican

    CRXican God Loves Ugly

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    I'm not in here as much as the "regulars" so I don't know much of your story but I've seen your posts in response to others regarding drinking habits/alcoholism.

    I did some excessive drinking a year or so after graduating from college. It always seemed fun at the time but the next day always sucked (hangover of course) and other stuff.

    I've cut back a lot since then and prefer not to be too drunk to function anymore. It's a different kind of drinking but it makes much more sense. Even still, when drinking at a minimum it still affects how I feel the next day and I don't like it.

    I guess long story short would be that at only 25 I've seen what excessive drinking did to me and other people as well. It just seems like a waste of time and money most of the time and if it ever caused negative consequences in your past the little excitement you might get from drinking one night can be gone the next day when you feel like crap or even the same night if you make a bad decision (drinking and driving). Such a thin line. Not worth the risk really.

    It's such a socially common thing to go out drinking which can be annoying at times.
     
  5. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    The founder of Moderation Management is in prison, she drove drunk the wrong way on the freeway and killed two people.

    Rational Recovery is also a program of total abstinence.

    Now, there may be another thing causing this-i have been there myself. Nutrition. If you are low in amino acids, especially tryptophan, you will crave alcohol-anybody will-for no reason. You can remedy this with over the counter tryptophan called 5-HTP. I am using it now, I am vegetarian and my nutrients had been so depleted i found myself wanting to drink, not to "get loaded" just to, well, i didnt know why. So, I doubled my meeting attendance and went to a therapist. Since I know using is a self destructive thing, and it's all i could think about, and my program was solid, maybe it was something else. She recommended I get a book about nutrition and depression called The Mood Cure, and in 24 hours I felt different. I had already made an appointment with my doctor to get back on an SSRI, but I had to wait a week to see him. Now, I have nothing to tell him except I balanced my amino acids and protein intake and feel awesome.

    If you think the thoughts are bad now, imagine taking that drink. Play the tape all the way through.

    If you want to even take it further-use the "what's the worst that can happen" comparison if you use? Jails, institutions, death. We know this because we proved this to ourselves, and it is real. Bust out your old first step, or, do a new one, and that might jog your memory. Talk to a new comer. They never thought it would be them, either.

    Now, what's the worst thing that happens if you stay clean? Well, short term, it sounds like you will be uncomfortable. Something is missing from your life. Maybe its nutrients, maybe its a change of pace, maybe something else is out of whack, maybe you are depressed. Whatever it is, I really doubt that alcohol is the answer, in fact, even taking our disease out of it, alcohol plays hell with your brain chemistry, and will actually make things worse. It's science, its a fact. Also, we as addicts are prone biochemically to low moods, and we need extra help in that department. There are many ways, try natural supps, try prozac, try anything to stay clean. Be open minded! I didn't ever need an anti depressant till i had over 7 years clean, and i did a 9 month stint on Prozac and it saved me from relapse. Now, at 10 years, I know more about nutrition than i ever wanted to. And why? To stay clean. I knew that I needed something more than I was getting out of the steps to feel ok, so, I sought help from therapists. 12 steps aren't for depression. We dont fix cars or cure colds. My problems turned out to be depression and low seretonin, and guess what? No amount of step work will fix that! Wrong tool for the job.

    I was right where you are at literally days ago, having fought it for months. I was doing all the right things, meetings, sponsoring, having a sponsor, and step work, and I felt like hell and all i could think about was alcohol and pot. I tried so hard to rationalize it to myself, and the program saved me from using, but I couldnt stop thinking about it. Since the steps werent really helping there, it made sense that maybe addiction wasnt the culprit. Turns out it was depression. And the 3rd step taught me to be open minded and look for help from higher powers, and in this case, it was a trained mental health professional.

    Look, I'm not saying it's all roses, life isn't like that. But make a deal with yourself-try something else first. Talk to a therapist, and try amino supplements. I use 5HTP and vitamin B12. 5HTP is an amino (tryptophan) that helps build seratonin, and when it's low for whatever reason, anyone will obsess for alcohol, pot, and carbs. Period. Its like math. GNC sells it.

    Wouldn't you hate to relapse, lose your clean time, go through the hell of it all again, only to find out you just needs a little change in diet or a temporary ssri? And if you think your out of whack now, imagine using! It can only make things worse!

    There were so many times when I used then wished I hadn't-but I cannot think of one time where i wanted to use, made it through, then regretted staying clean.

    You know what to do, you need help, and drugs aren't going to help. You know this, deep inside yourself, and thats why you haven't used yet. Be willing to try something else first.

    I'll have my phone on all time, PM me if you want to talk I will call you. Put yourself on a 1 minute basis of not using if you have to. You can do anything for a minute. Read the first 3 steps in It Works How and Why. What worked in the beginning remains true and will work for you now.

    I love you buddy.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2009
  6. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    read the rules for R2R before posting please. You've been around a long time.
     
  7. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    I'm going to ad some more.

    When was that ever the plan? It wasn't our plan then, either. Remember the powerlessness? Remember that awful feeling?? Using is an unwinable hand for us.

    Worst part about denial is we are in denial about being in denial.

    Work another first step, save yourself hell of relapse, and the risk of being bent so bad inside you never get it back, even if you manage to get sober again.

    I sat in a meeting thursday night with a fellow who looked just wrecked. He looked nuts. Young guy, maybe 30s. He had a cane, and a 12 inch fresh scar up his leg. Couldn't sit still. When he came to share, he told the story. He'd put together 8 months clean. Life was good. He figured one wouldn't hurt. You know the story from there. Well, the scar? Horrific accident as a result of using. He also sustained severe, permanent nerve damage-he will never be right in the head again, worst part is, he knows it, he remembers being able to function, and now he can't. He can never work again, he cannot do anything but remember what it was like before the accident. Also, his nerves go so damaged that he is in constant pain, and will be for the rest of his life, there is nothing the doctors can do. I will always remember what he said: "The doctors tell you, ya know, that you have permanent nerve damage, and will always be in pain, there's nothing they can do, but you don't really believe it. Until you live in it. Every day. It never ends..." He has a 3 year old little girl and a wife. He cannot stand up for more than 10 minutes.

    I took my sponsee to court last week to face his judge. 3 people in front of us were relapsers, all on alcohol, all getting sent back to prison. People like us. One guy literally fell apart on the stand. He was very intelligent and spoke like a lawyer. He is 42 years old, was on parole for a DUI where he rammed cop cars. Got another DUI and a 3rd chance. He walked into hooters, had some clean time. Had a beer, and once that's in you-its anybody's game. He was found stumbling in the street. Now, he's off to prison. He has a son in california he's never met that is young. He also has court dates in California he cannot go to due to being in prison here,and will have warrants. How's he going to see his son, even when he gets out of prison?

    Girl 2 was also clean for a while, she even worked for a mental health agency. She had a drink, another, another, was found virtually passed out behind the wheel of her running truck. Off to jail-and her house is forclosing now, she cannot make the payment. Her two kids will have to find somewhere to live. She's 27.

    Guy 3 got off meth then onto alcohol. He strangled his ex girlfriend almost dead in front of her new husband. Then, he bragged about it in a jail phone call. 15 years for him. he was 24.

    Another guy, so desperate to get loaded, started burglarizing houses for drug money. Looked like a nice guy, maybe 20 years old. Athletic, big. Had a lot of family there to support him. Soon, even night burglary wasn't enough, so he just started kicking in doors and robbing people in full daylight in their own homes. Had to get that money to get that dope. I think he got 10 years or so.

    None of those people ever thought they would be there. We aren't like them now, but we aren't different either. The difference is that first drink or drug. That's it.

    We're old timers now, and have enough rope to hang ourselves if we aren't mindful of our disease.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2009
  8. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    So what it sounds like is you've made a decision that you don't want to drink too much. While you may like the feelings and effects, you don't want to get smashed.....that's exactly what I'm talking about. But the difference is, I've been a member of AA for the last 14 years....that's a big difference.

    Thanks for the perspective tho.
    Yep, I remember the annoyance of feeling the pressure from others to drink and go out. Thankfully my friends are different today and for years I haven't dealt with that kind of thing.
     
  9. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Tupac....thanks man. I appreciate your posts and your PM. Your concern for my sobriety and welfare are appreciated more than you know.

    I would like to clarify something, I'm not saying I want to go our and get rip snorting, falling down drunk. I'm not saying I want to go back to the days of spending nights in bars, shooting pool, arguing over stupid shit and chasing after drunk women. Not at all.

    What I'm talking about is social drinking. Having a couple of beers at a party or while on a date, during business dinners or while at a corporate function/event.

    And I'm certainly not wanting to rush out and drink tonight. It's not really like that for me....in fact, I feel quite peaceful about this. It's hard to describe but in my recovery I've made decisions that others disagreed with because I had been praying about that course of action and had a real sense of peace and serenity about it. I knew I would be OK even if I was going down a path that others disagreed with and/or objected to.

    Having said all of that, I also have a very real concern that I'm being delusional or I'm in denial. I have zero desire to return the hell of my previous drinking life but I'm at a totally different place then I was back then.

    Right before my 21st birthday, my dad died and 2 years before that my oldest brother died. I was a mess and my family life had just exploded. None of us knew how to deal with all the complex emotions of these events and I drank to forget and to numb the intense pain I was in. I simply want to escape the hell of my life and I very often felt trapped by life.....like I was in a horror movie and unable to get out....then add VERY intense and VERY painful emotions and you'll start to see where I was.

    So my drinking really took off from 22 - 26. These 4 years are pretty much a blur to me and but there was always a lot of drinking.

    Then I got a job working for my brother and he bottom lined me....said if I keep drinking, I'm fired. I was scared shitless and knew something had to change so I agreed and started into recovery.

    Looking back it was absolutely, 100%, totally and unequivocally the RIGHT thing for me. I had to address all that shit that I was running from and I had to do so without alcohol. I had to address the very reality that I didn't have many employable skills and that I HATED my career choice (accounting). Hell the only reason I got that degree was cuz my dad always made us....I'm the youngest of 5 kids. 3 of us were CPAs, my dad was an accountant and I have an accounting degree. The other one was a rebel and simply got a Mgmt degree after trying and hating accounting.

    Those aren't excuses for drinking but I'm in a MUCH different place than I was. I'm more stable in my life and I've been pursuing a totally different career simply because I wanted it.

    Here's an interesting book I've been researching today:
    http://www.emotional-literacy.com/healing.htm

    Here's a passage that I think really applies to me:
    There's much more than just that tho.

    Anyways, I hope that helps you get a better idea of my mindset right now. I'm exploring options...that's all....at least for now.

    Thanks again bro...I really do appreciate you.
     
  10. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    Your life is only stable now because you got sober.

    Sounds like you feel kinda trapped by life right now, too.

    The plan was never never to get drunk and become alcoholic. Even when your dad died-did you say "screw it, i'm going to become addicted to alcohol". I doubt it! You probably said, hey, this seams to help, kinda distract me. And we know how it goes from there. Poof-powerless.

    There is no such thing as a social addict, you know this. Also, what would alcohol even ad to your business functions? Nothing. Lots of people dont drink at business functions. That's our disease trying to make us feel like we need to do it.

    I agree that something is wrong with your life right now, but i disagree that it is not doing drugs (alcohol is a drug). Try something else first.

    Lets be even more subjective:

    You have a friend. He used to have a serious drinking problem that caused him a lot of shame, emberassment, and almost his life. His life went to hell, and he had to sober up. He has been sober for over a decade now and has made a good life for himself and helped a lot of people get clean too. Now, he's feeling stressed by life, and wants to drink again, as opposed to trying counseling or something to find out what is really going on. <==== would you tell this guy that sounds like a good plan?? No!

    Have you talked to your sponsor about this?
     
  11. MudRacer4x4

    MudRacer4x4 New Member

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    Well heres the way I look at it.

    Did drinking seriously impact your life. For example, your health, your personal life, finances?

    Or did you just feel you had a problem and were doing it to much and need to stop.

    If its the second on then drink again if its the first it might not be worth the risk
     
  12. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    No actually I'm quite free. I have very low debt, savings, and a lot of experience and skills. I know for a fact that I add value to an organization. If noone hires me....I'll start my own company. Trapped is not a feeling I have right now....not at all.
    No in fact I remember a conversation with a friend where I told him I was actually quite scared to drink. He was kind and supportive and I did drink...but I wasn't in AA then and drinking was actually still working for me.
    Right I know that AA says this and it's generally accepted in AA that once an addict/alcoholic always and addict/alcoholic. I've heard and said the analogy of, "Once a cucumber is turned into a pickle, there's no way to turn it back into a cucumber." and I believed that without question for many years. I'm now questioning that to see if I really do believe it or not. I honestly don't know right now.
    It true that I have thought the same way....that alcohol wont add anything and that I really don't need it for business and it's just my disease talking and all that. But I disagree that it doesn't add anything.

    There's scores of things I could list here. Things like bonding with co-workers, forging new relationships with others in either the same or different departments. I'm also blessed to work at a company with so many attractive women it isn't even funny...people get together all the time for a few drinks after work.

    What I'm describing is a desire to use alcohol as a social lubricant....something it's quite good at.
    I am and have been trying other things.
    But that's the thing...I'm not feeling stressed in life right now. Things are quite good and I'm generally happy, joyous and free. Life isn't all lollipops and roses but it certainly is stable and sustainable

    I'm also not really running from "what's really going on".....at least it certainly doesn't feel like I'm running away from something or even trying to hide something. Quite the opposite, if I was hiding something or wanting to, I'd be drunk right now....which I'm not.
    Nope. I've thought about him a lot the last couple of days and one thing is for sure, I don't want to lose the friends I have in recovery.

    I'm still at the early stages of my exploration and haven't even decided to drink again. I want to but I've wanted to many times in the past but it was different back then.

    So think about this....a sponsor is going to come from the perspective of what he knows to be true....AA. I'm exploring alternatives to AA. Certainly the founder of MM is in prison but we all know scads of people that have come into AA only to disappear and never come back. I'm not going to discount one possible theory or philosophy simply because the person that thought of it struggled.

    I mean certainly it might be an indication that it's a bad program but it's not conclusive proof.

    Do I need to talk to AA people....certainly. But you know what...I've gone against the advise of AA before and come out all right. It was something that I felt very strongly about and the advice I got from many people in AA was "Listen to your doctor" but my docs solution was wrong for me. I knew it was wrong....I didn't need anyone's agreement...it was wrong so I followed my own feelings on the matter and I was right.

    Now that was only after 5 years of sobriety and having worked the steps. Anyone reading this should NOT take that last paragraph as proof that it's OK to ignore doctors advise.....but there are times when we know we should go a certain direction regardless of what anyone else thinks about that path.

    I told my doc what I'd done and how I thought he was wrong and why. We had many discussions about it and many times in the initial conversations I was pissed at him for suggesting it. I did not hold back any of my anger/rage towards him and we worked through it together. I'm forever grateful that he was able to take my unkind words and still work with me. He eventually agreed with me that he had made a mistake and that I had done the right thing....that was nice to hear.

    So I have very similar feelings to what I experience back then....very similar.

    Anyways, still researching, thinking, praying and talking......not drinking. :)
     
  13. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Yep....15-20 years ago, I was a complete mess and totally lost in life. I was spiraling out of control and headed for some real shit that there was absolutely no way to fix alone.
    Nope...I knew for a fact that I was drinking way, way too much and needed to completely stop. All I ever seemed to do is drink and I did lots of it.
    Yeah it might not be a very good idea for me to ever drink again. Then again.....things are VERY different in my life so perhaps it's possible. I dunno.
     
  14. MudRacer4x4

    MudRacer4x4 New Member

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    Only you know what is good for you. If you think about the pros and cons you will come to a decession. Just keep in mind you make your own choices but you have to keep in mind this could mess up your life.
     
  15. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Thanks and yes I'm well aware that this could mess up my life. In fact, I wouldn't even be discussing this if I wasn't REALLY concerned about that.

    When you're in AA and talking to AA people, you hear about all the people who have tried to go back to drinking and simply failed. These people were right back to drinking alcoholically in no time and then their lives either went down the toilet, they're back in AA or you hear about them being back in rehab and some even go to jail/prison.

    Here's the thing, you never, ever hear about the success stories. Well perhaps I should say that I have never heard about any success stories.....none.....not in 14.5 years I simply can't remember ANY success stories.

    Now in my research yesterday, I'm hearing that one psychologist has seen as many as 20% of alcoholics actually return to drinking successfully. Now some of these people decide that they just don't want to drink because they don't like the effects anymore. Some are able to drink socially while there are those that simply have not been able to return to drinking socially at all.

    This guy has seen people that after a year of sobriety, they're able to return to drinking socially. There's no way in hell I could have done that after one year because I had so many issues that I was still dealing with. However, now after 14.5 years.....maybe I can.....but holy shit it would suck to totally fuck up my life right now. I don't want that at all.
     
  16. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    That research said 17%, and, I don't know about you, but that means that 83% quantifiably failed and went straight back to alcoholism, and the other 17%? Well, I know i always lied about my substance abuse problems. Especially to people who asked me about it! I know a lot of people who say their drinking is not nearly as bad as it used to be-but I know for a fact that isnt true. Look at my old sponsor (over 11 years clean)-he just relapsed in december, but he tells everybody it's going fine, no problems. Of course, his wife has told us how he was been stealing her alcohol, she is finding empty alcohol bottles hidden in the house, and that he had been telling her he was meeting with sponsees 3 times a week for months but was really out drinking. He also threatened to murder his wife and 3 kids if she divorces him, in front of a therapist no less. Of course, he would gladly tell you that he is in that proud 17% of people who "made it" outside of sobriety, his life is great, and the 12 steps were wrong about him.

    Do some more research on this. Sure, you aren't addicted to anything right now-but you would be. You know this. You gonna outsmarts millions of recovering people and thousands of doctors and decades of research? I doubt it. Addiction is in our brain. Its forever. They even know what genes cause it. They can pick out just like they can pick out who will get heart disease or cancer.

    Often time alcohol cravings are caused by low seretonin levels. I would encourage you to take steps to research that, either with a doctor, therapist or nutritionist and try that before you relapse.
     
  17. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    It's true, I lied tons about my usage primarily because I didn't want anyone to know the truth so they couldn't intervene and stop me.

    And I'm not so sure about that 83%....here's what he does say:



    Here's the thing...those people are drinking after one year of sobriety....it doesn't seem like there are many stats for people with longer term sobriety returning to drinking. Hell if I drank after my first year, I would totally be back in the shit because I was still dealing with all those things that I was dealing with when I got sober. Hell it was 4 years into my recovery before I felt stable enough to even attempt quitting smoking and that was very difficult.

    I do agree that the evidence is strongly stacked against me should I go back to drinking.....at least all of the evidence you and I know about. What I'm wondering is....how close this matches the truth? With people that go back to drinking....they're likely not in AA and gathering stats about their success seems very difficult to gather.

    What's interesting is that talking about this is actually lowering my desire to drink. In fact, right now I don't have any desire to drink.

    I used to see a shrink (an MD) and he told me about my family having typically low seratonin levels. He even told me that I have this condition....however, he never, EVER did any tests on me. It was just when I was feeling down he told me I had this condition.

    It sounded like BS to me....I mean I was down but he never did any blood tests or anything to confirm his suspicion then he just put it forward like it was absolutely true. I called him on this and his response was, well that's the usual cause. And this is a very well respected MD....he used to work with NASA astronauts. I dunno...just seems like smoke and mirrors to me.
     
  18. roserob

    roserob New Member

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    I'm only 7 months into recovery, but I can tell you that

    "
    "

    Makes absolutely zero sense. Life is never all lollipops, but that's life. You are saying that your life is "stable and sustainable", another way to put that is that your life is manageable. Obviously you didn't come into AA with those certainties intact.

    If your life is currently truly happy joyous and free, you wouldn't be pondering another lifestyle. I believed the same thing when I was drinking, that life was wonderful. But I was lying to myself. I believe from what I have read that this may be your problem. We are entitled to living a life with those promises, but it isn't always that way.

    I dunno if any of this will help, but I just wanted to open up a dialogue.

    keep in touch
     
  19. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

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    Do what you want. Remember that there are always sober people to talk to.
     
  20. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    Coottie :hug: I can only offer the perspective of one who has suffered the aftermath of an addict's behavior. I love you and I would be so sad to see you back out there again.

    In the same way that an alcoholic's addiction affects those around him, so does his sobriety. How are those who care about you going to feel about your decision? How will it affect them? :sad2:
     
  21. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Right....but I'm kind of confused by this part of your post. I never said I expected life to be great and it's not so I'm going to get loaded. I'm not really sure what your point is with this part of your post...please clarify.
    I disagree. People change all the time. I'm the type of person that's always looking around my life and taking actions in areas that matter to me. Long time ago, I found I was addicted to cigarettes so I quit smoking....years later I found I really wanted to learn more about computers so I did....years after I found that I really wanted a CS degree so I went back to school and got one.

    There are many other instances in my life where I was happy, joyous and free and made changes. Free....don't forget that one....to me that's a big addition. Most people think it means we're free from the bondage of alcoholism and I agree with that. To me it also means that we're free to live our lives however we want....we're free to choose whatever challenges we want to.
    Well I'm not sure I agree that I'm lying to myself...that doesn't seem to fit. I have admited that I could be totally wrong but I'm not sure you're really understanding the nuances of which I'm speaking but I'm not going to repost everything I've already typed.

    It seems to me that you formed a very quick response based on some portion of my posts then discounted or skipped over everything else I've written in this thread. Maybe I'm wrong but that's certainly the impression your post gives.
    It's cool...thanks for posting.
     
  22. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    WHAT? That's it?

    I totally expected more from you. :x:
     
  23. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :hug: awww hey Lucky!! Thanks...that's very sweet of you!

    The sad thing about typing these words is that you can't see how calm I am about this. I'm not in a rip roaring hurry to rush out and guzzle a 12pack or anything like that. Hell....if I was that desperate to get drunk, I'd already have done so.

    No I'm really exploring here. My exploration may lead me to the conclusion that it's simply too dangerous for me to take a drink. Which is very similar to the conclusion I came to with my flying lessons....I just found that with all of the stuff I was learning and seeing, flying is very dangerous. Yes people fly safely all the time but I'm not sure it's a good activity for me....at least not right now. Maybe I'll change my mind later but for now, I'm suspending my flying lessons indefinitely.

    So my current discussions about drinking are the similar. I'm searching because I've never known anyone that was a "real" alcoholic, meaning they drank like I used to, that has been successful at returning to drinking. You certainly won't hear about this in AA.

    And who knows what tomorrow will bring. Today I woke up and didn't have any desire to drink....none. In fact, I saw drinking again as kind of silly.....something I could do, certainly, but something that I just don't have any desire to do. That desire is not based in any sort of fear or sickening feelings or anything like that. I just didn't have the desire to drink.

    So who knows.....that feeling might stay with me for a long time and I never end up taking a drink.

    Well I told one of my life long friends yesterday and he was quite surprised. Then I told my mom tonight. Both of them were concerned but we talked a lot about it. I told them, like I'm telling you guys, that I'm not just rushing out there to get loaded.

    My friend was cool with it and provided a lot of insight. His dad was an alcoholic that actually drank again and concluded it wasn't something he ever wanted again....so he quit again.

    My mom was very concerned because of all the discussions we have had. However, she calmed down considerably when I related my current feelings to other incidents in my life that have turned out well. After many hours discussing this and many other things she said, "Well you're a man and you're entitled to make your own decisions about how best to live your life."

    I certainly don't want to hurt anyone in this process and I have no desire to return to drunken weekends. No...what I'm talking about and exploring is not the same as the life I used to live.

    I'm not sure where it will all end but thanks for your concern and your post.
     
  24. i killed tupac

    i killed tupac New Member

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    There is nothing BS about genetics and neurochemistry! Also, do you find it weird that you aren't craving NON alcoholic beer? :o
     
  25. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Well I agree with that but it seemed like the shrink was just taking the easy way out. Like a computer repair man saying, "It's your power supply so here's a new one" when the computer won't start when the repairman hasn't even spent time diagnosing the computer to determine that's the real cause.
    hahaha.....well hmm....no....not really. I mean I'm wanting to drink because of the effects produced by alcohol and I know that nearbeer won't have any effects.
     

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