SRS Afraid that the girl I'm dating might be bi

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by size18boarder, Feb 13, 2009.

  1. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    - about a year ago, I caught my then-gf of 2.5 years cheating on me with a girl

    - since then I hooked up with like 8 girls and didn't really like any of them very much, but it certainly didn't hurt the self esteem

    - I've been seeing a girl for about 6 weeks now, and I really like her. If she was bi, I dont know if I could handle that. Here's why I think she might be bi:

    * our first date she said she didn't know what she wanted. at that point I assumed this to be in relation to her breakup with bf of 3 years that happened like 6 months ago

    * I found out recently she used to live with some girls, one was definitely bi, the other was probably a lesbo

    * her best friend at work is a gay dude, and sometimes she goes to gay clubs with him




    ...so she warned me going into things that she didn't know what she wanted, so I knew I couldn't expect too much. We have never explicitly discussed any substantial relationship stuff since then, like we dont talk about how much we like each other, or the future, or anything like that, but its obvious that she likes me. She calls me and we talk for hours. she initiates hanging out and she is all about me when we do. I'm pretty confident in my ability to know when a girl likes me, and this girl does. But it's weird that she hasn't said anything. I don't bring it up because I don't want to pressure her into talking about it, and we have lots of fun I don't want to make it awkward. I know that talking about things will help me figure things out, but I can't help and think that putting a little more time under our belt will give me more leverage when i bring it up, i.e. she will be more attached to me.

    Anyway, if she is bi but wants to be in a relationship with me, I guess I'm cool with that, but that would be tough for me considering my past, and considering her good friends. Also, promiscuity seems to be much less of a big deal in the GLBT community. So this is my biggest fear.

    If she is bi and is just kinda floating around seeing what she wants, I don't think I want to be a part of that. My last GF was confused about who she was, and that only makes things very very difficult for me, the guy who knows what he wants. So this would suck because I'd have to end it, but would be relatively easy because I know the right decision.

    if she is straight, then sweet, im worrying about nothing. if she is just non committal because of her ex than whatever he lives in australia so its not like he can come knocking and I don't mind just having fun with her under that pretense.

    more fun facts:

    - she is very horny, but we haven't had sex yet. hand job for me, I fingered her twice. I don't mind taking time because all the other girls gave it up so quick and I didn't even really want it. She shows great affection for me, and very obviously likes me.

    - her last boyfriend was her first boyfriend. so i guess I'm her second, but i don't think she considers me her boyfriend.

    - She went to an all-girls catholic high school



    ...so OT...wtf do I do? Right now the plan is to just wait it out until she brings something up, or until we hit the 3 month mark. Until then I figure just enjoy the time we spend together, try not to think about what she is doing when I'm not there, don't smother her with affection (nobody likes a clinger!), but still show her a modicum of affection.

    think I should bring it up sooner?
     
  2. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    what do YOU want to do?

    In your situation I would date her casually for a while and enjoy some great sex. Or just enjoy great sex.
     
  3. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    wait, so, you are afraid she might be bi cause then she might cheat on you?
     
  4. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    i guess i could just ask her if she is bi
     
  5. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    yeahhhh but she hasn't put out yet. I would totally rock that option, I just don't know how long this is gonna take.
     
  6. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    yes

    edit: but its not like we have discussed anything. so she could be "Cheating" on me already. very ambiguous. but i dont THINK thats whats happening. sigh.
     
  7. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    she jerked you off it shouldnt be that hard to get her to put it in her mouth at this point.
     
  8. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    yeah I still have hope
     
  9. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    girls who are straight can cheat on you too. if you dont want to date a bi girl, thats your choice, but dont discriminate based on that thought alone.
     
  10. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    right...but she hasn't said she wants to date me. what worries me is the combination of (possibility of her being bi) + (lack of communication)

    but im afraid to start communicating because i dont want her to feel pressured or have it come across like im all worried about that shit b/c she might get wierded out
     
  11. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    i just hope she isn't using the dont ask dont tell philosophy...if she is just not into talking about this shit that whatever thats fine...but if she isn't talking about it because she is playing the field, then obviously thats a deal breaker
     
  12. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    so im thinkin im probably gonna ask her if she's bi, because that doesn't really put any pressure on her, and its a pretty important part of the equation

    although if she is bi, i can see a lack of communication being a big problem because I would worry about fidelity


    I should just go watch vicky christina barcelona again lol
     
  13. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    there are ways to ask whats going on without being awkward about it

    do you like her and want to have this develop into something serious? have a conversation with her about it.

    btw, the reasons you listed as to why you think she might be bi mean nothing. you are reading too much into everything and not communicating enough. you are making this more difficult than it needs to be
     
  14. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    why dont you ask her what she wants from the relationship instead? you have no basis for why you think she is bi
     
  15. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    yeah, you know what, you are right. If she doesn't want this to be serious, I'm kind of wasting my time. Not that I don't enjoy spending time with her, but how she views things matters.

    I'm glad you think I'm reading into things, because I know I do that, and your words are relieving. This is the effect of a long-term girlfriend cheating on you with a girl when you didn't even know she was bi.
     
  16. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    I don't want to ask her what she wants because I'm afraid the answer will be "I don't know" That is the worst answer. If she just wants some random ass, I guess I'll hang around until I find someone better. If she wants something serious, I'm totally for that. But if she doesn't know, then wtf. I guess that's the option where it would really behoove me to peace out of the entire situation. So I guess I know what I would do in either option, and it's time to buck up and ask huh? this is gonna be a crazy valentines day!
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you need to take the bi thing completely out of it. your gf cheated on you. thats it. it doesnt matter who it was with, she cheated on you. you seem to want to place all of your blame on the fact that she was bi, like you think that made her do it. in reality, she did it cause she wasnt that into you

    before you date someone new, you need to work on your trust issues instead of being overly concerned that the girl you are dating might also like females
     
  18. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    heres a hint: if its not a yes, its a no. if she doesnt know if she wants something serious with you, then she doesnt.

    dont waste your time if you are looking for a long term relationship with this chick and she "doesnt know" do both you and her a favor by being upfront with what you are looking for. if she doesnt want what you want, move on. no biggy.
     
  19. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    mad respect. ps my ex grew up in visalia
     
  20. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    ??
     
  21. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    its right near irvine i thought
     
  22. size18boarder

    size18boarder rhetorical OT Supporter

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    believe me its better than getting with a girl that is "unsure" - that's the worst
     
  23. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    its like 2-3 hours north of here.
     
  24. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I'm not sure why her being bi comes into play. Like everyone else has said, straight girls cheat too.

    If you two get exclusive, and she cheats, does it really matter if it is with a guy or a girl? Nope, not one bit.
     
  25. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I think the problem is that if she's bi, she's twice as likely to meet someone she'd want to cheat on him with.

    Anyway, she either is or isn't, and women expect men to take the direct approach, so just ask her already. However, being bi doesn't automatically mean she'll fuck someone else on the side, so try not to hold it against her. And for god's sake, don't get angry about it.

    EDIT: Wait, she went to Catholic school? Fuck it, move on. If she didn't hate going there, she'll spend your entire relationship wondering if what she's doing with you is "wrong", whether the invisible man in the sky is going to punish her for it.
     

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