SRS Afraid of getting hurt in relationships

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by anonymous, Aug 4, 2005.

  1. anonymous

    anonymous New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2004
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    My SO wanted to end the relationship because he's too afraid to get hurt and would rather hurt now than fall too hard later and be hurt even more. He's had some rough relationships in the past and has convinced himself that all relationships end at one point or another so he'd rather end it now, while we are friends, than later when (and if) it gets to the point where we start to hate each other's guts.
    Our issues are very minor and things that can be worked out. We get along perfectly and I know from his actions that he cares about me just as much as (if not more) I care about him. However, I feel that sometimes he purposely doesn't try to work on it because he wants to push my buttons and make me walk to prove his point that relationships really don't work. I keep telling him that I want to be here and that I want this to work.
    I feel like because he's been hurt so badly before that our relationship never got the fair chance it should have gotten when it started because he already has all these reserves and beliefs about relationships and how they don't work. We're both good people, only he happens to always get the short end of the stick in life.
    I know this can work and I know neither of us will purposely do anything to try to hurt the other. I wish I could somehow convince him that this one will be different.

    My question is, is there any way for me to convince him of that?
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    The hurt comes from the termination of the relationship. Of course you two wouldn't purposely try to inflict hurt on the other....yikes, that goes beyond the bounds.

    But even when two loving, caring individuals decide it would be better to part ways...ya in some ways that hurts more than the angry shouting "I never wanna see you AGAIN" kind of breakup.

    It leaves a lingering fog of melancholy and longing ("we were SO good together...") instead of the cleansing searing "good riddance" anger.

    I would say to tell him the things you've mentioned in this post, but I'm guessing you've spent hours and hours and hours already doing just that. If you haven't succeeded yet...I think you have your answer there.

    There's very little that we can do, no magic argument, no miracle "A-HA!!" that we could give you to twist his arm into going deeper into a relationship. If he doesn't feel ready, well then, he doesn't feel ready.

    I think the best thing you can do at this point is to simply respect his decision and remain his steadfast friend throughout.
    I think by doing this, you will demonstrate your committment and trustworthiness to him.

    More than anything else, THIS is what may change his mind and allow him to feel comfortable in going deeper into a real relationship with you.


    PS. The other possibility is that he IS ready for a relationship...just not with YOU, and he's unable to tell you that directly.

    In this case, you should still pursue my strategy outlined above.
    You will have protected your own feelings, and have lost nothing, and gained everything.

    Good luck.
     
  3. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2003
    Messages:
    5,744
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    So so true!
     
  4. Henry47

    Henry47 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2003
    Messages:
    4,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    to put it shortly, no, he'll have to be convinced himself. There's nothing you can say that will change his mind. The best thing is to show him that you hurting him is something you will NEVER do. SHOW him, don't tell him
     
  5. Verdugo

    Verdugo New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2004
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    To find love or whatever you gotta put your heart out, and when you do so there's always a risk. Just like the stock market or russian roullette :big grin:
     

Share This Page