Advice, please. (big age difference)

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Emmy, Oct 30, 2007.

  1. Emmy

    Emmy Online Penis

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    My boyfriend and I met a couple of months ago. He is 42 and I am 20. Personally I believe(d) age is just a number, but things have happened that kind of make me realise that maybe it is more trouble than that.

    After a week of being 'together', he told me that he was in love with me. The next day when he called me he said "I love you". After 5 weeks, he proposed to me. I was scared shitless of what to say so I told him I would think about it. Later I asked him why he proposed to me, and he said that because of my age he thought that was the only way he could keep me.

    How can I tell him that he doesn't need to say/do these kinds of things just because I am young. I mean, I am committed to him, I am not going to just suddenly run away and find some guy my own age. I am not fickle when it comes to relationships. I don't want him to feel insecure, but I don't know just how exactly I can assure him that he wont lose me that easily.

    :eek3:
     
  2. BlackIce72

    BlackIce72 New Member

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    You won't find me saying RUN very often, but this is one of those times.

    For real.

    I'm a big fan of making a mistake and figuring out how to fix it.

    And unfortunately I have seen your situation pan out a couple of times (one involving my brother's ex).

    I'm not a fan of making posts complicated, so this will be straight to the point.

    Age is just a number in many cases. Most of these cases involve not getting married. Your generational difference will be a big gap to overcome, especially when it comes to having children (and their future). He better be financially secure to go through his retirement simultaneously with putting that child through college. Even if no children are involved, I still stand by this firmly.

    1 week love is a HUGE red flag. What dude with an iota of healthy relationship experience would say such a thing?

    5 weeks proposal is an even BIGGER red flag. What does this say about the length of past relationships? And if you ask he's going to lie to you. He won't know he's lying. His reality might be fucked up and twisted.

    Marriage doesn't involve possession, and dare I say not the type of "bond" a lot of people think of. It's a huge investment of coexistence and decision making that exceeds FAR BEYOND 'love' and 'emotion'. This isn't high school, college, or some post-grad 6 month relationship.

    This is the rest of your life.

    I wouldn't marry you.

    You are 20 years old! You're my age! And even if we were in this deep, hypnotic trance of love, I could and would never marry this young.

    Hey, marriage lasts forever so why not wait a while and make sure!

    Unfortunately, the sad (hopeful?) reality is this. You might not run away with some guy today. But you might tomorrow. That tomorrow might be 2 weeks from now. It might be 2 years or 12 years from now.

    It just depends how long it's going to take him to push you that far away.

    And he is. Or you would have said yes and not made this thread.
     
  3. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    he's probably a psycho and a creep. seriously. you don't know 10% of him, i'd be willing to bet.

    he's been an adult for over 20 years. can you imagine the shit he's done?
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Telling him he doesn't have to do that would be fine. Then play it by ear and keep track of your own happiness (not just his positive qualities).
     
  5. ElChupacabra

    ElChupacabra we should have fucking shotguns

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    I'm not 42, but I'm closer to it than 20. There is no way in HELL I would tell a girl "I love you" in the first MONTH, let alone a week. I got married after 8 months and 20 days and am now divorced because I didn't know her like I thought I did and vice versa. You shouldn't even get engaged in the first year. Statistically speaking, you are at a HUGE risk of getting divorced if you marry younger than 28.
     
  6. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    He's older, I'm sure he's looking to settle down now. and now that he has a young woman around his arms that makes him look good and feel needed, he'll probably do everything he can to keep you.

    Now, I've dated nothing but older men (biggest age difference being 10.5 yrs). not as big as yours, but it's still a big difference. And i've come to realize that every guy has said they wanted to settle down with me some time in the future. When things begin to feel awkward for you, then you should definitely say something to him about how it makes you feel and express your thoughts.

    If you want to take things slow, tell him that's what you want. If you absolutely don't see yourself with him in your future, then I don't see a point of you two being together, so it'd probably be best to break things off sooner than later (just saying).

    22 years is a huge age difference, think long and hard about where you stand in your life, and where he stands in his. Think of the future, and what you/him want.

    communication is key, just tell him how you feel
     
  7. autobahn

    autobahn New Member

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    yeah. I would step away from him ASAP.
     
  8. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    I would stay the heck away from this guy. He can't find anyone his age, so he has to chase women that are half his age? That alone should tell you he probably has some issues.

    His later actions indicate that he is needy, insecure, and probably has no other options.

    Does this sound like someone you want to be with long term?

    Honestly, he sounds like a creepy old guy that can't find anyone his own age...
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    MattThom, you have it backwards.

    Guys who date their own age at that time in life are only dating their own age because they (believe they) can't find hot young college girls who will fuck them.
     
  10. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    but you also have to think about why a young college aged woman would want to date a man more than twice her age.
     
  11. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    What is his relationship history?
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    fucking is one thing, a relationship is another.

    I have very strong doubts that you could have a 20 year old and a 42 year old in a working long term relationship (at least here in the US).

    Why?

    Different places/priorities in life.
     
  13. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    why would he be trying to get into a relationship with someone nowhere near his maturity level? fucking college girls is awesome for guys who are 40, but why would they want to ever settle down with them?
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Because that's what turns her on.

    I know plenty of people, when they look at a young woman who is attracted to older men, will make Freud-related slights at her expense. That's cool with me. I don't need to know how we got to be what we are today. I just want to know what we are today.

    From my POV, if old guys is her thing, then go go go baby!

    Same for me. If I liked fat chicks sexually then I would fuck them. I wouldn't spend time feeling insecure about what dark, light, or gray psychological motives led me to like fat chicks. Shit, no doubt, the reason I like hot chicks IRL is because of some horrible deep urge to kill my father, fuck my mother, and commit suicide. :rofl: Not a problem
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I dunno, my 60 yr old father stayed with my 30 yr old mother for 10 years
     
  16. wat

    wat New Member

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    The age isn't a problem -- you can work through that (I'm actually in the exact same type of relationship age-wise, except I'm a 20 year old male with a 42 year old female), but the push towards a long term relationship is. That's the thing to be wary of.

    And I'm with Falconer: What is his relationship history? Has he been married? Has he even been in a long-term relationship? If so, what happened to his previous relationships for him to make that kind of commitment so early at this age in his life (other than possibly wanting to tie the knot to get it over with due to his age).
     
  17. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    yea, i understand that part...but it always seem like the posts that most guys in the vag make is that all guys want are a hot young female and if you don't strive to get it, then there's no point in seeking women.

    and that's the notion i got from your post; my bad if that's not what you meant, i guess i got confused
     
  18. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    No you're right I was generalizing about guys... I do think that most guys whatever age would prefer a young woman. I think some guys would prefer a woman their own age. I do not think that is the default. I'm not sure it matters. Mostly I just found the "can't get X so they get Y" rhetoric disingenuous, and wanted to flip it around, in order to illustrate that.
     
  19. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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  20. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Me too. Knowing this would help alot. If he's been married before, but he's divorced/widowed, etc. that could play a MAJOR role in his proposal and quickness to commit.
     
  21. Stev

    Stev Active Member

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    I would say dont bail.. but keep in mind im a huge talker and peace-maker... and have been burned becuase of it in the past.

    He sounds like someone who has been through some tough shit in his years. Prolly makes him a good partner, but he is scared he is gonna lose it because of the obvious. You are young, and quite often young 20-somethings want parties and the kind of lifestyle that a 42 year old cant keep up with. He doesnt want you to find a guy your own age and thinks throwing a ring on your hand will fix it.

    Talk with him, qwell his fears and make your intentions clear. Need to be together MUCH longer before u can even consider that. I wouldnt even take the ring as a gift at this point in your relationship. If he doesnt get his confidence back up, and doesnt start having the trust and security in himself and you that he needs, you will need to walk away. It will be way way more hassle than its worth.
     
  22. lauren

    lauren Active Member

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  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: Age is not just a number. At his age he is baffled that a cute little 20 year old even finds him sexy. He isn't married and wants to feel "normal" as soon as possible. The fact that he's moving so fast with you (no matter how happy you two supposedly are) is ridiculous from someone at any age. You've already confirmed that he's insecure as hell, most likely because he is terrified that he'll never obtain anyone as young as you that finds him remotely interesting or attractive.

    Have you ever stopped to think to yourself "why was he a bachelor until 42?" Or has he been married, with kids, etc? What do you want out of this relationship? At 20 years old are you really interested and intrigued at marriage after a month with a 42 year old man?
     
  24. eskarinna

    eskarinna New Member

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    Well i am 27 my fiance is 48. We have been together for almost 2 years and have been living together since may 2006. We met at work became good friends and help each other through some pretty messed up situations in other relationship both on my side and his. One day i was crying over my no god ex when we were in a restaurant (before we became a couple) and he dropped down on his knees and asked me to marry him. I know he did it to make me feel better and it worked. To be honest he has been the best relationship in my life and treats me millions times better than any other guy i have ever dated. We don’t fight, we respect each other, love and support each other and plan on having a future together. However i didn't know any of this when he first purposed to me i said yes but i told him its too early for either of us to make a commitment and that we should first get to know each other better and if in a year he still feels the same he can ask again. So he did

    The truth is not all relationships are the same and not everyone’s intensions are pure. With the two of us age didn't matter because we were friends and coworkers, we bought were in relationships when we met each other, and trough our friendship we became closer and closer and fell in love.

    You need to get to know him better and to see if he is in fact that special someone who will treat you the way you deserve, care for you and share your life with. I have seen it work and i have seen it fail. Either way is not easy living with someone twice your age, for me is the fear that i will loose him sooner than if he was younger or that he wont be there to see our kids get married or that maybe our kids will feel conscious about their dad's age. There are a lot of things you need to figure out for yourself, can you love him so much that nothing matters, can you love him in 20 -30 years? Can you support him and care for him if the need arises? If those answers are no then you need to get out and stay away from that type of age gap. If yes then give it a time find out if you guys are meant for each other. Learn everything about him good and bad and then weight it and make a decision.
     
  25. jazzmoney

    jazzmoney New Member

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    Being involved with a person 20+ years older than you when you are 20 is different than when you are 27.
    At 20, you're not even old enough to drink. There's still a whole lot of partying and maturing that needs to happen...

    Every person and every relationship is different. And no one can tell you what is right for you except for you. All we can do is share our opinions, experiences, biases, and desires.

    In my experience, I've seen couples with age differences over 10 years be in perfect harmony. They're both still older (over 25), ready to settle down, share similar values, and are both balanced in maturity.
    I've seen others with 10 years difference miserable because of small differences that truly impact the heart of the relationship. The older person may be more of a homebody and doesn't want to get out like the younger person. The older person could be more settled in their ways and be less likely to compromise to issues in the relationship.

    In your relationship, he appears to be the "driver" and you seem to be along for the ride. Make sure you know where he wants to go and let him know how fast you're willing for him to drive. Don't forget about checking the "baggage" he's carrying in the trunk.
     

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