Advice needed about re-injecting some excitement and passion

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Marix, Jul 3, 2008.

  1. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    Long story short:
    I'm 22, she's 25
    Been together for 4 years
    Living together for 2 years

    We love each other a lot but over the last year or so we have slowly become more like best friends/flatmates rather than girlfriend/boyfriend.

    I'm a med student and she is working full time. I go through period of being hectic busy (around exams etc) and then periods of having long breaks (i.e. over summer, christmas etc.)

    Basically, a year ago she told me that she was missing the passion that we had at the start of our relationship. She said she misses the excitement or waiting for my calls or text messages. At the time I was in a busy period and sort of shrugged it off, saying we could work on it.

    However, it's now a year later and things haven't really changed. I realise that I haven't really been the best boyfriend in lots of ways. I'm so busy for some times that I don't have time to do anything... and then I just crash and relax during the "off time." I sit on my PC, surf OT, watch TV, play xbox etc. I can't think of the last time I did something nice for her just because she is my girlfriend.

    On Monday she told me that she's not even sure if she's in love with me any more. This really devestated me because I'll admit, I took her for granted and never thought I'd hear her say that. I now look back and think of all the times when I've been too lazy to go and pick her up from work or to treat her to spontaneous nice things.

    I feel incredibly guilty for not being a better boyfriend and I feel terrible that it has come to this point before I realised that she felt neglected. I completely understand why she feels the way she feels and I'm gutted that I didn't realise sooner.

    However, I am determined to do something about it and to save our relationship. So over the last few days I have been doing my best to look after her. I'm during "off time" right now and she's busy at work so I've tidied the house, I'm cooking meals for her, picking her up from work every day etc etc. I know it just looks really desperate but I really don't want to lose her.

    She has exams in 3 weeks time so she can't get up and leave immediately. We also rent a place together which needs a month's notice to get out of the contract. So I really need to make the most of this time to try and get her to fall back in love with me.

    I know married couples often experience this. I realise that you simply can't always keep that feeling of when you first fall in love with someone and after 2 years of living together, things won't be as exciting any more.

    Basically, I'm asking OT:
    Has anyone been in this situation before?
    If you have, have you managed to re-ignite the passion?
    Are there any other things I can do for her or things I can say/do to re-ignite some of the passion we've lost?

    I'm thinking of booking a short city break holiday for the two of us after her exams. Good idea or bad?

    We still love each other, but I think she loves me more as a best friend, rather than as a young couple in love.

    Thanks guys
     
  2. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Can't really say much because I've never been in that situation, however I think that it would be a great idea to book some alone-time away for the both of you, sounds like you both really need it.
     
  3. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    A trip together does sound like a great idea.
     
  4. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    Wow.. it's F&N crew up here in this thread! Haven't posted in there much recently :(

    Thanks guys.. I'm glad you agree. I'm curious about what a girl's input is too...
     
  5. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i'm a girl, and i have to agree.

    it sounds like you guys arent spending enough time just focusing on each other. which is semi understandable since you both have very busy lives right now. take a trip away, spend the whole time focusing on improving things, going on "dates" and just enjoying her.

    when you get home, try to make it a point to spend one night a week or every two weeks on each other. eating a fast dinner in front of the tv doesnt count. it should help you guys grow closer in the romantic way again, but it should also be a great stress reliever from all the crazy things you guys each have going on

    good luck!
     
  6. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    Thanks for the advice.

    I figure that I'm still the same guy who she fell in love with. I'm just worried that it's too late. Do you think it's still possible for us to get that romantic spark back?
     
  7. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    honestly, its hard to say. we dont know if she has been feeling this way for a long time and just finally had the guts to tell you. or if she just realized she was starting to fall out of love with you and could easily fall back.

    if you love her, it doesnt hurt to try. if she is willing to try as well, i think there is hope
     
  8. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    Unfortunately, I think it is the former. She told me that she didn't want to tell me earlier, during my exams in case I screwed everything up.
     
  9. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    see if she is willing to try, or at least open to you both making more of an effort
     
  10. fray

    fray New Member

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    I would admit everything to her that you just told us, then show her that you mean it in your actions.

    You can do some special things for her, but I think if you do too much, she's going to assume it's just for show and then things will go back to normal.

    I suppose you'll just have to hope that she's alerting you to the problem and still thinks it can work too, and that she's not telling you because she's over you and there really is nothing that can be done because she's made up her mind.
     
  11. fray

    fray New Member

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    . my bf seems to think that if we are both sitting on the couch at the same time, even if we are doing our own thing, this still counts as together time.

    So, like vodka said, try to make sure you are making at least a little time for the two of you. Even if it's just an hour, or you take her out to dinner and then do your own thing or whatever. Everybody needs their downtime to relax by themselves, but as you've found, you've got to balance it all.
     
  12. ausguals

    ausguals New Member

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    I agree that alone time does sound like a wonderful idea. But if you do so with a vacation, etc, make sure that when you DO get back home, that you don't fall into the same slump that you are in now. Even if you are both busy, make sure you do something that makes her remember you and know that you care (and she should do this, too.) Even just random flowers (if she likes them, and has the type of job where she can show them off if she's that kind of girl) at her work because she got a papercut. What I'm saying is, I really agree that some time alone somewhere where you don't have to worry about anything else but eachother sounds like an incredibly good idea...but don't settle back into the old lifestyle when you get back to the real world.
     
  13. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    yup... if there's one thing i have learned, it's to never take the one you love for granted. :)

    try to do special things for that person as often as you can to let them know that you're thinking about them and that you care. shoot, i get all giddy inside if i get a :) text message :rofl:


    i think anything's possible. :rofl: but that's coming from the hopeless romantic, :o, so take that with a grain of salt.

    i truly believe that anything can happen. if the love is worth it and both parties are willing to work on the relationship, i think you can ignite the spark and build a fire.

    i think you need to let her know your true feelings, and be completely open and honest with her. tell her your sorry, and you're willing to change. ask her if she'd be willing to give you another chance to prove to her that things can be better. because, the key here is that she's open to rebuilding the relationship. if she's not willing to do that, then :wtc:, you're just wasting your energy with your effort.
     
  14. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    Didn't read the posts but I'd say each of you should get a weekend away from each other with your other friends just to get out and have some fun. You can spend the rest of the week talking about the things you did and maybe introduce those activities to each other. Try something new.

    Take a trip with the two of you somewhere kind of exclusive. Doesn't have to be expensive. Go rafting or tubing. Take a camping trip. Go to the beach or lake. Go hiking in the wilderness. Go to a fair.

    Cooking for her and what not sounds like you're just trying to make her life easy, not fun. Do something exciting.
     
  15. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    This is still bugging me :p

    You're already dating.. you're living together. You don't need to impress her, just keep her interested.

    Plan a trip to a major city and go bar hopping

    Go to a pool hall and shoot some pool

    Go to the races (cars, horses, anything)



    I'm in the boat of getting a girls number and things never going anywhere.. Once they're with you, it's easy.
     
  16. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    Thanks for the help guys. I'm glad that most people are thinking along the same lines as I am.

    Any more?
     
  17. harleysilo

    harleysilo New Member

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    You guys still fucking on a regular basis?
     
  18. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    Info I sent someone (recently) about relationship stages:

    Here's the first bit of information. I spent a couple hours looking at various summations of relationship stages, and ended up at the #2 result that comes up if you google "relationship stages." This is from a psychoeducational institute. There are many of these around the country. I examined the quality of the articles they create, the services they offer, and the credentials of their staff to determine legitimacy of content.

    http://www.relationship-institute.co...article_ID=153

    The most important statement in that article is early on:
    "While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship."

    If you start researching relationship stages, that statement holds quite true, but I agree with their basic summation:
    -Infatuation/romance (where you're both :eek5: + :eek5: = :love: )

    -Reality check (when infatuation wears off)

    -Power struggle (first real test of a relationship)

    -Re-evaluation (deciding if this person and that relationship is what you really want)

    -Reconciliation (building the true foundation to a lasting relationship, having settled and accepted differences)

    -Acceptance (the REAL loving relationship)

    -------------------------------------------

    Now, if the thought hasn't crossed your mind of how the hell I'm so familiar with this stuff, I'll explain that. I have limited formal education in psychology (a favorite elective in college), but I'm also in a long relationship that has gone through relationship counseling. For my gf and I, it was what we needed to get through the power struggle stage, since we lacked the knowledge to overcome the conflicts caused by our strong personalities. We're now well into the reconciliation stage and things have been great. Our relationship used to look like a sinking ship, but now it's looking better than it ever has.
     
  19. fray

    fray New Member

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    I talked to a relationship counselor at that place!! This guy: http://www.relationship-institute.com/therapiststhad.cfm
     
  20. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    Probably not as much as we would like. Again, the work stress/exams etc come into play unfortunately.

    Although, not to get too graphic, we just did it now and it was great for both of us. So hopefully things will be looking better.

    Thanks for the info. I'm glad you worked things out.. hopefully I can too.
     
  21. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    Your relationship sounds like it's at a point where you ought to give serious consideration to relationship counseling. I highly recommend it, as it will make it more clear if you can work things out, or if you should wind the relationship down. :hs:
     

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