Advice needed about long distance relationship

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by is3lost, Jan 22, 2006.

  1. is3lost

    is3lost New Member

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    Well I have a feeling things are starting a downward spiral in my relationship. Cliffs, girlfriend and I have been dating a year and a half, it has gone pretty well, 2 rocky points but I felt like up until she moved that things were going quite well. I really love this girl and would do anything for her. She graduated last spring, and lived with me for a few months before moving back home. Now she has a job, over 100 miles away which has been stressing her out a lot. I have her on a pedestal, everything I do, I do for her, she is my life.

    She works the normal week, I am still in school, this is my last semester then 1 class and I will be out. I am in school/internship 5 days a week and then work 3 out of 4 weekends. Right now our relationship consists of talking on the phone. I myself happen to suck at talking on the phone, it's not my strong point and I often bring silence to the table. I am really trying to work on this as I know it is the main element of our relationship right now. She basically moved home to a bigger city because she thought there was no job opportunity here. She did try however, sticking with a job she hated for a few months to try and make it work.

    I asked her what was on her mind this evening, and she brought up how she was getting frustrated with talking via phone and how our lives seemed to be going in two different directions (her working, me still in school) I told her I would do whatever I could to make it better, which is another problem of mine, I guess I blame everything on myself which probably annoys the shit out of her. I am willing to quit my PT job, as I don't make that much money at it, or at least cut it back to working 1 weekend, that way I can go see her when she is free.

    Basically I need some advice as to how to handle this situation. I kind of feel like I'm losing her (all over again) However it's neither of our choice to be apart, she found a better job there, I still have 18 hours of school left. Can you guys give me some advice at how to make the best of a long distance relationship? I know many people seem to think they are doomed to fail :wtc:
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2006
  2. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Ok Ok.

    Ok. Look at what you said here for a minute. Really look at it.

    Ok now here is a couple hints.....


    1. No man should ever feel this way unless he is married to that woman.
    Even then, he should bring her down a little bit off the pedestal and take a few steps up himself.

    2. Now look at your situation.
    You are far from each other. Her job is very important to her. Your school is very important to you. You are both about to get into the real world.

    Does this tell you anything?
    If you want something you have to work for it. You gotta make some tough decisions and/or sacrifices.

    I will tell you. Me and my wife saw each other a total of 5 times in the past year and a half (military). But the thing was, I could not just come home to see her whenever I wanted. She chose to make so changes too. She moved 1100 miles to come live with me. She left her job, her family, her home, all of it, just to be with me. Sure we still have our times apart, but she did what was necessary to be with me. She now is living with me and is working a new job. If the situations were reversed, I would do the same thing for her.

    Someone will have to make a sacrifice in the relationship though.
    You just have to find a way to compromise. You both have to decide if those decisions are worth the relationship. It isn't easy, but it can be done if both of you are willing to work at it. Really work at it.

    This is just me, but if this girl really means this much to you, maybe you should take your relationship to the next step...if you know what I mean.
     
  3. is3lost

    is3lost New Member

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    I guess I will be the one to make the compromise. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, IE pack up and move as soon as I'm out of school. By the next step, I don't think that would fly for her, she would want to be a little more settled (both of us) for a period of time. Thank you kindly for the advice.
     
  4. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    I wish you the best of luck. :bigthumb:
     
  5. is3lost

    is3lost New Member

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    Well it all fell apart. I just got the heave ho. She feels that everything is just too different right now. She wants to not date and see what happens in the future. In my mind, I guess I read this as, I don't see this working out, but I don't want to face it. She tells me she needs space, I tell her I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give us a chance, and if it means giving her space, that is something I am forced to do. She says she still wants to be there for me if I want to talk, what does this mean? I can't call her and talk to her how I'm used to because I would feel this would push her more away.

    Any advice with how to deal with this? Do I need to just face the facts? Does she mean it's over, and is just trying to politely state that, in an effort to not hurt me when in the end it's going to hurt me ten fold by giving me false hope? I'm very willing to stand by and wait as long as she needs, but I don't know what to do in the meantime as far as contact goes, she gives me very mixed statements about this. Sorry if I'm ranting but right now I feel like just /ending myself and I'm rather confused.




    BLAH (edit, worst part, wasn't even face to face, over the damn phone)
     
  6. TomBrady

    TomBrady New Member

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    dude you sounbd whipped
    this is giving her the chance to take u for granted
    tell her ok i think its best live on with your life and the next minute you know..guess whos calling u back and making all the moves.
     
  7. shangrilarcadia

    shangrilarcadia A lady

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    You need to face the fact that it's over. She's already 100 miles away - that's plenty of space. If she's saying she needs more space it sounds to me like she's trying to end it but doesn't want to hurt you. You need to move on - if it ends up that she wants to get back together, that can be a nice suprise then, but until that actually happens, assume that it's not going to.
     
  8. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Dude, it's over. Here's an article I wrote about it:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/content/view/18/1/

    You did act too desperate, which was a huge turn off. Be strong, move on. Learn the lesson that long distance relationships are extremely difficult, and I think most normal folks cannot survive one. We are social animals, we require in-person contact and exposure for a reason.
     
  9. chiisu

    chiisu New Member

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    100 miles, try 1000 :( I don't know if we'll last........
     
  10. Sionell89

    Sionell89 I grew up when I wasn't looking

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    Sounds to me like your girl has some direction and wants something more for her life and if you aren't willing to come along, then it's your loss. If she tried to make it work in place without opportunity and in a job she hated to be with you, and she gave up after a few months, I think you need to do some serious self examination. You weren't worth staying for. Why not??

    As for the LDR, you glossed right over one thing that could have been pivot. You bring silence to the phone. You suck at talking on the phone. I bet it's not just on the phone. Who wants an all or nothing relationship? That's not a relationship, it's a seesaw.

    There are so many guys who look around and blink when their girls leave them. Doesn't matter how old they are or how long they've been in the relationship. They scratch their heads and go "Wha?" and they don't have any clue how they were not invested or present in the relationship. Mary Chapin Carpenter did a song about it, "He thinks He'll Keep Her"
     
  11. low20

    low20 Member

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    hm, well LD sucks for sure..i had a 3000 mile one so i know...ill say this tho...atleast your only 100 miles aprt..my advise is to cut down on weekend work as much as possible...if you dont need the money then dont work the weekends...u can go see her...for the summer go out by her and spend it there for a while, or alternate..if she has a good job there u cant try to get her to move back by you...if you dont want to go by her and she doesnt want to come byyou then u might aswell end it now cuz your wasitng time...that part of your life it wayyy to important to mess up over a girl..its your future and career at steak..if you give it up for a chick you WILL regret it
     
  12. is3lost

    is3lost New Member

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    I am more than willing to go along with whatever/whereever her path takes her. I just have one semester of school to finish, then I will be free and I had already told her of my plans to pick up and move to where she is.

    I acknowledged my shortcomings, they were things that I've been working on. But I did every little thing to please her, buying little presents, taking time off to go see her, staying with her while she was training out of town, visiting with her family. I tried to accommodate all of her needs, but I'm sure I'm not picking up on everything.

    I let her know that I'm willing to do ANYTHING I have to do regarding changing my life around to be near her.

    But you are right, I'll need to do some serious analysis of myself. I just hope that I have not ruined the relationship, with what I consider, the one.
     
  13. Sionell89

    Sionell89 I grew up when I wasn't looking

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    Maybe that's part of the problem. Again, I say it's about engagement, not rolling over. I don't want a 'yes' man, I want a partner. That isn't to say that being laid back and easy going is a problem, it's about the interaction. There is a yours, there is a mine, and there is an ours in every relationship. It's really really bad to be completely accommodating just to save a relationship because that ain't REAL. That's desperate and that's annoying.
     
  14. veonake

    veonake OnT poster, OT lurker

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    Try 3000 :eek3: I think one of the hardest parts is that small issues can become bigger than they would be if you could see your SO in person and talk it out. At least that's what happens with me.
     
  15. is3lost

    is3lost New Member

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    Oh yes I definately agree with you on that one veonake, how long have you been doin 3000 miles?
     
  16. veonake

    veonake OnT poster, OT lurker

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    Only a month now since she's been gone. I've done long distance before though. Last time I was with her for 6 months, then she changed school, and we did long distance for about 5 months before things ended. We saw each other up to twice a month and it was a 4-5 hour drive. When we were together things were generally good, when we were apart, there were a lot of uneasy times.

    I was very hesitant (VERY) to do long distance again. The girl I'm currently seeing goes to school in Hawaii. She's the best friend of an old female roommate, which is how we met. I guess she just has the effect on me that made me willing to try long distance again. I think though that if this one doesn't work out, I will not do long distance again for a long time (if ever). I really still consider this an experiment, after a month it's tough to tell what will happen. I just hope I don't fall into the cycle of having something minor become something major, recovering from it, and soon something happens again. It's a roller coaster ride that I went on with my first long distance relationship, and I don't want to do it again.

    Good luck to you.
     
  17. Sionell89

    Sionell89 I grew up when I wasn't looking

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    FYI, I did LDR for three years before I got married...then LDR for 7 months about 4 years into it.

    Today is our 20th anniversary together. LOL...some things never change. I'm in the US and he's in Japan.
     
  18. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    Dude! No!

    Do not call her. I repeat. DO NOT CALL HER TO TALK.

    I am going to be frank with you. This whole, I think we should still be friends and close and shit, is bullshit. She is just going to hurt you more. Here is how it will fall......

    1. You talk to her on the phone and remain close. You keep hope.
    2. Surprise!!! The fact that she is seeing someone else comes out in a converstation. She has been seeing him for a little while now. You get pissed and still keep hope.
    3. She starts talking about nothing but the other guy. Still you try to see others to make her jealous (but she won't feel that way), but you still keep hope.
    4. She starts to complain about her new SO and shows up to cry to you. She gives you even more hope.
    5. She goes back to said guy, calls to tell you about it, pisses you off......

    And yet, you will keep telling yourself "she will eventually come back to me once she leaves that guy", and she will continue to walk on you. You will be a friend to her, but she will not give a shit about you. It will be all about her.

    Mark my words. This is how it will be. When it happens, you will say:

    "Fuck!!! That guy from the internet was right. The guy on OffTopic was right. I heard it from my friends too. They were right too. Why did I kill my own dignity and call her over and over again just to prolong my pain?
    Why, God? Why?"

    DO NOT CALL HER!!!!
     
  19. Solus Emsu

    Solus Emsu ****** U N R A T E D ! ****** -----THAT'S HOW I RO

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    :werd:

    I couldn't agree with you more.
    I see that as part of the problem as well.
    She probably didn't see him as a partner, but rather, a loyal puppy dog.


    The other part I see is that she was used to this kind of treatment.
    She probably got her way on everything in the relationship and rarely had to sacrifice or work for any part of the relationship. If she really wanted to make things work, she would have gone half way with him and said "I will do whatever it takes too. If I have to give up some of the stuff that is going on in my life too, I will." But she didn't do that. Just goes to show how much she really cared about the relationship she had with him, compared to how much he cared.

    Which is why I will say it again.
    He should not call her, she is through with the relationship and wants him there for what he is, a loyal puppy dog that will fetch her shoes when she demands. Not an intimate partner or friend.
     

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