SRS Adults from broken homes, please chime in.....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by 00600, Sep 29, 2007.

  1. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    Ok, you guys are going to think I'm a total nutcase. I promise I'm not.

    I've been through hell my whole life, and I've made some really REALLY bad decisions.

    Here's the short story. It is EXTREMELY GRAPHIC, and perverted. But I'd like your opinion.



    My mother was physically and verbally abusive toward me up until the age of 6 when she sent me to live with my father.

    Because of this I had seperation issues, and "friendship" issues. It screwed me up so badly that I allowed people to take advantage of me. When I was 6-8 I let someone sexually abuse me so that I could be their "friend".

    It's something I bury deep in the back of my consciousness, it still comes up to haunt me under certain circumstances.

    I do not receive any kind of gratification from any of this, in fact it makes me want to puke when I think about it.

    The lack of attention, and the guilt for what I had done caused me to act out in school. I was taken out of public school and put into an institution, heavily medicated, mis-diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and years of constant therapy. I never once mentioned it to anyone else.

    My birth mother would pop in and out of my life every 2-3 years. She's show up, I'd spend a summer or two with her, and then she'd disappear again. It was rough.

    When I turned 15 they let me back into public school. I met who I thought was a "normal" girl, and fell madly in love. She turned out to be a stalker. During this time I started drinking and smoking marijuana.

    One night she put her fist through my bedroom window because I told her to go home- I had found out she was fucking people in order to have a warm place to sleep. I broke it off, she got pissed, next thing I know I'm covered in glass, 30 minutes later she's in handcuffs.

    A few weeks later I get a phone call, she's pregnant.

    I could really care less, I was 15, didn't give a fuck about anyone but myself, she had cheated on me so it probably wasn't mine. I was high most of the time anyway.

    About 11 months later I get another phone call, she has had the child (2 months prior) and wanted to know if I would like to see him.

    I figure that since she lives about a block away from my coke dealer, the trip wouldn't be a total waste (by now I'm doing LSD and coke 3 days a week). I drive over and pick up a bag, get to her house and do a bump before I walk in.

    As I walk in I see her son. He was a cute baby, looked like every other newborn. She asked me to hold him, and after 5 minutes of arguing I finally pick him up. I had never been around babies as a child, I am an only child with half siblings who are 10+ years older than I. No one in my family had young children, and nobody I knew from the neighborhood ever had any. I didn't know how to hold him properly. And honestly I thought I might accidentally break him.

    He was soft and warm, I gave him a bottle, and he calmed down. He was cute, looked just like his mother, even had her eyes. But there was no "connection" between he and I.

    After about half an hour I left. She never called me, I never called her.

    I went on to get into opium and ecstacy. I had dropped out of highschool before completing the 9th grade. I worked full time, lived at my parents house, and spent all my money on drugs.

    From the age of 15 to 17 all I did was party and get so shit faced that most of the time I can't remember my own name.

    Then 6 months before my 18th birthday I started to get sick, really sick. Like a flu that wouldn't go away.

    I figured it was the drugs, so I quit. But I kept getting sicker. I started having hallucinations (I figured they were acid flashbacks). But no matter what the doctors gave me, I didn't get better.

    Months of tests, 5 different doctors. Then finally 2 months after my 18th birthday I had a test done that required my new doctor to take a close look at a chest x-ray.

    After a catscan and a biopsy they said I had a severe paracardial infusion (the membrane around my heart was full of fluid and putting pressure on it), and Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes).

    They said I had two choices, I could go home and die within 6 months, or I could do an intense run of chemotherapy that would last 6 months, that it would either kill me or cure me.

    I chose the chemo... And intense was an understatement, after the second treatment I had a heart attack and was rushed back to the haspital.

    Weekly treatments of ABVD, chemo on friday, puking until Wednesday. Every week for 6 months.

    I made it up to the last 3 treatments on my own, after that I had to have someone go with me because I wouldn't walk into the hospital on my own. I was at the point I would rather die than endure the chemo, even for only 3 more weeks.

    Two weeks before my last treatment I recieved a phonecall from my ex's brother, she had been worried about me (her family and my family didn't have any contact, it was either coincedience, or she's psychic).

    I called her back and explained the situation.

    She was supportive, we spoke on the phone for the remaining weeks of my treatment.

    I had been through hell, I couldn't believe in god (and still don't to this day), I couldn't believe that "the allmighty" could put someone through that. But at the same time I felt that I should make a difference with the second chance at life that I had received. I didn't care if it was my child, I had stepped into her life, and screwed it up in the past (I wasn't thinking very clearly at this time), I figured the least I could do was to try and make things better for her.

    I met her son, who was now running around like a madman. We talked, and then she and I had sex.

    We started a relationship again.

    After a year and a half I realized she was still the same manipulative little girl she was at the age of 15, our relationship was yet again based on just sex.

    She would go into violent rages, assaulting me (decked me twice, head butted me once) for the littlest thing. One time it was because I was shaving in the bathroom sink, and the stopper broke. She decked me that time.

    In one of her rages she ranted on about how her younger brother was always getting her in trouble (this is a 20 year old woman complaining about a 14 year old half-brother), how she hated her life, how she wished she never had her son, and that the ONLY REASON she had him was so that I would STAY WITH HER!

    I wanted to pack my bags and leave at that moment.

    I didn't, I couldn't love her anymore. But I stuck around because it seemed like the right thing to do.

    She started talking about getting maried and having another child. I was sitting on the fence about the marraige proposal, but more children was definitely off the table. (Looking back, it seems like she wanted to follow in her mother's footsteps).

    A few weeks later we were laying in bed, we just had a marathon of sex, and she started talking. She asked me what the kinkiest thing I had ever done was. I told her that she was my first, and that I had a few relationships after we broke up the first time, but that it was all vanilla. That the kinkiest things I had done were with her. I had told her the first time we dated about my abuse as a child.

    She then proceeded to tell me about how she had been abused by her uncle (ok, I can understand that), that she had ENJOYED it (ok, that's pushng it), but that the kinkiest thing she had ever done was with a "pet" she used to have. I almost puked right there, I made a comment about "keeping it in the same species" and she head butted me, giving me a bloody nose.

    That was the final straw.

    I packed up my stuff and left.

    I sent her a letter explaining that I couldn't have a romantic relationship with her ever again, but that I would like to spend time with her son on the weekends. And that I wanted to do a paternity test.

    I received my letter back, chopped into confetti, and a nasty hate letter from her telling me that she would never put her son through the trauma of a DNA test just to satisfy my doubts, and if she ever saw me that she would break my kneecaps.

    Since she had admitted to sleeping around with several people within days of the conception, my lack of building a bond with her son, and her adamant objection to a DNA test, I took it as a sign that I probably wasn't the father.

    And though I felt sorry for him having to grow up with a psycho mother like her (though I NEVER SAW HER HIT HIM). I felt like it would be best if I just kept my distance.

    Fast forward another 3 years.

    I recieve a phonecall one evening, it's my ex. She says that her son has been having problems at school, the teacher said it started when they were teasing him about not having a father.

    Hearing this crushed me. I offered to help any way I could. She didn't want me to come over, but she did put him on the phone for a few minutes. Being a typical 7 year old he didn't talk much. In fact I'm not even sure if he knew who I was.

    The next night I talk to my ex some more, she says that she had a one night stand with her boss and got pregnant again, when her mother found out she kicked them all out. (Ok, this is begining to creep me out, it's the same scenario her mother went through).

    I ask if there is anything I can do to help, she says there isn't. I ask her if she has enough food, if she needs any help with babysitting etc. She says she's ok.

    6AM the next morning I get a rude awakening, it's the Sherriff's Office serving me with paternity papers.

    I go through the 2" stack of papers on my lunch break.

    That evening I called her and explained what happened that morning. She sounds surprised and says she didn't expect them to serve me that quickly!

    I raise my voice and ask her why she didn't tell me the night before, why she didn' warn me in any way.

    She said it would take 6 months for the results to come back, and that if I'm the father that I should "just look at it like a car payment or a bill, because that's all it is".

    I cursed her out and she hung up.- She was basically just calling to hear my reaction to the court order.

    The next day her phone was disconnected.

    I got all my paperwork in order, go down to the office at my scheduled time, and take the test.

    5 months later I get the results in the mail...

    I'm a father. At the age of 22, he was born while I was in a drug induced dreamland at the age of 16.

    I took my W4s and my paycheck stubs into the office, and walked out with a $400.00 per month child support order- At the time I'm only making $1,200 per month.

    The following saturday I drive over to the address she listed on the paperwork. Her apartment is DEEP in the GHETTO. Partially constructed roads, stripped cars, broken beer bottles everywhere. This is not the kind of place any child should have to grow up in.

    I go up to the second floor and knock on her door.

    A few seconds later the door opens, and she's standing there wearing a see through nightie!

    It wasn't like she cracked the door, she opened it WIDE OPEN!

    I said "hi", and about 2 seconds later I saw her recognize me, she slammed the door in my face.

    I yelled through the kitchen window that I just wanted to talk. I think the aluminum foil was reflecting my voice.

    I started to see people gather out of the corner of my eye, so I left.

    A few miles away I had to pull over because I was crying so hard I couldn't see straight.

    When I got home there was a nasty message on the answering machine, she said that if she ever saw me anywhere near her or her son that she would file a restraining order.

    I wanted to fight, I went to the child support office and spoke to them, they said they couldn't help me, that just because I pay child support it doesn't give me a right to visitation, I would need an attorney and a court hearing.

    I spoke to several attorneys, they all wanted a $2,500 retainer.

    And then I thought about it.

    This child doesn't even know me, I wasn't there for his birth, I was barely there for a few years of his early childhood, and now I'm going to drag him through the court system, put him through the same pain and stress that I went through?

    Is it really worth it?

    I took a month and thought about it, thought about all the ways it could play out, thought of how I could raise the money for an attorney.

    I decided it wasn't.

    Fast forward another 6 years.

    I'm barely recovering from a breakup of an intense 2 year relationship. The woman I was living with had just gotten out of a SERIOUSLY ABUSIVE realtionship with a violent alcoholic/meth head. I gave her solid footing, and I took over as a "step father".

    I did more for this child than I ever did for my own son. I took him to the Dr's (he has a skin disorder), I bathed him, I changed his diapers, I read to him, I had lengthly conversations with him (he's only 3, so it was mostly me talking :)), I took him to the park, I taught him how to build with his blocks, I played racecars with him.

    I bonded with him, I grew to love him and admire him. To watch him learn how to form complete sentences, how to go potty on his own, to feed himself, to get into his bed when he was tired. To know that I had a positive influence on his life, that he looked up to me without judging me. It's just amazing.

    The sleepless nights, the incessant screaming until 5AM, waking up in the middle of the night to make a bottle. Singing lulabyes until my throat was raw. It was all WORTH IT!

    But it turns out she was just using me to get ahead.

    I really didn't care if she used me, I was getting more than I could ever ask for.

    But she wanted "something different".

    For the first two months I would go and spend time with my "step-son", but it tore my heart out to see my ex sitting there, talking on the phone to her friends at work, not willing to talk to ME, to work things out.

    It drove me to the edge of suicide, twice.

    I haven't been back in the last month....

    About a week ago I was stopped at a light and I saw a pickup truck that looked like the one the mother of my child drives. I chuckled a little, figuring she was serious when she said to look at child support as a "car payment". I thought there was no way it could be her, I was 35 miles from her last known address. Not even close to any part of town she used to hang out in.

    The truck got closer...... Fuck me, it's her!

    She drove right past me, less than 10' away, going no more than 15MPH.

    I was in such shock I didn't even think to beep the horn or try to get her attention.

    I tried to make a u-turn, but traffic was so dense that she was miles down the road before I could make the turn.

    It made me wonder....

    And tonight, I wrote a reply to someone reguarding teaching, I've never been a "teacher", but I threw in some words of wisdom. And it reminded me of my situation....

    For those of you who have been in a situation like this, from both sides.

    My son is going to turn 12 in a few short months...

    Should I stir up this hornet's nest, or let it lie for another 6 years?
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2007
  2. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    I have to reread this all over again. Is this for real??!
     
  3. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    Every word of it.
     
  4. PunkInDrublic

    PunkInDrublic Active Member

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    I thought my life sucked. I don't even know what to say if this is real.
     
  5. Swerve

    Swerve OT Supporter

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    Write a book mate. It will sell! :)
     
  6. Jack Horner

    Jack Horner Guest

    Wow, that is going to be one FUCKED UP little boy
     
  7. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    You have a life story that is crazy beyond any kind of thought. You are the epitome of the characteristics that we need in people today. As sad as this sounds, you should be proud of yourself for being able to handle this situation so maturely from such a young age.

    And to answer your question:

    Do you love the kid? Is he worth the fight? That's all you have to ask.

    Think about the kid. Fuck your ex-wife. She is a stinking whore who doesn't deserve anything good in this world. But you Sir have a life that needs to be shared. You need to speak out: I say fight for him. YOUR son needs a real life.
     
  8. Fachh

    Fachh New Member

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    .
     
  9. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    I wasn't mature about it. I dealt with it by being selfish. I could have had her charged with statutory rape, I could have forced a DNA test at that time.

    If I had known how sick and twisted she was, I probably would have found a way.

    Do I love my son? Honestly no, I don't. He is just a name and a monthly bill.

    It's like a distant relative you met once at a family reunion years ago. There is no connection. I worry about him as I would for any child in a situation like thit.

    I don't know who he is. I know nothing about him other than that he shares half of his DNA with me, and half with a person I wish I never met (when I picked her I had 3 other girls on the line, I chose her based on her hair color).

    I'm going to be starting from square one. Not even, I've already got strikes against me. I'll have to try and explain why I haven't been there, on a level a 12 year old can understand, and obviously leave out any details that are inappropriate.

    If I can do it for the child of a woman I only knew six months, I can do it for my own blood.

    I'm just looking for insight from other people who have had parents come into their lives in their teenage years, or people who have entered the life of their children later in life.

    Going off my own experiences, it's not the best choice.

    As for writing a book, last month I had a breakdown and needed someone to talk to. I have been out of therapy since the age of 15. I'm not one of those people who bounce between therapists looking for attention.

    I was losing it, it was late at night and I had to wait until the next morning to get an appointment.

    So I decided to write down my issues from the beginning. I figured I could just hand the Dr a few sheets of paper instead of having to go through it in my head (and shy away from some of the emberassing things).

    Twelve hours later I had written 66 pages 12pt single space, 33,233 words.

    I started out with my first memory, and covered the negative "highlights" of my life. I made it up to the age of 26.

    When I sat back and re-read it, I realized how much I had survived, how insignificant the last two years (26-28) were in my life. The last two years have made me reflect on my life, to really sit down and realize WHY I made the choices I did, to accept my life and the things I did in the past.

    If I sat down I could crank out another 25K-30K on just the last two years alone, and another 75K or so on the "happier" times of my life.

    But who would really want to read it? I'm not famous YET, I've been in the limelight a few times, but I aways chose to stand back a little.

    Back to the original question, who here has experience in a situation like this.
     
  10. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    wow :eek2: I don't even know what to say to that it would make a great book though. I think its best you leave things the way they are with your son he'll probably just have so much resentment towards you it won't be easy to win him over and walk back into his life
     
  11. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    we all deal with our problems differently. I was physically/sexually abused when I was young. I don't have any pregnant psycho bitches clothes lining me while i'm taking a piss or anything like that.

    I say it's your kid, so keep paying for him. If it was me, I'd go meet him. Getting him at 12 years old isn't too late. He'll be your age one day and maybe he'll remember how he did meet his father once....lucky him. Maybe you should get to know him and he might decide to live with you if his life isn't screwed up enough yet.
     
  12. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    if u think ur only son is worth the fight then hell yes stir up the hornets yes if not then move on but something tells me if u keep running into him fate is tryin to tell u somethin
     
  13. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    Nice to see you posting around again, haven't seen you in a while >.<


    Probably some of the best advice.

    Remember, it's never too late.
     
  14. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Do what you need to do.. if your gut tells you to fight for him, do it! You've been doing your part paying child support, if he knows this, he should know that on "the other side" someone does care about him no matter how much BS your ex probably has told him about you he and her still know that deep down you're putting your part to make his life better even if its required by law as there are many fathers that just say screw it and don't do crap and get into a heap of trouble with the law.

    You have been through so much throughout your life.. I too like the idea that you wrote up everything and can just show it to a therapist and they'll get the gist of your life but you know whats even more rewarding? to get back your son in your life and by seeing that you've been making the effort to better yourself would be so much better to have him in YOUR life rather than hers as she just reeks of a bad woman..

    You've been through a ton, and you know first hand how things were growing up.. with your own mother in and out of your life, your son still has hope at 12... this is a perfect time at this age to bond with him especially as he reaches his teen years a ton of things are going through his life that will SHAPE him into what he'll become in the future, by having you in his life you can talk to him about the things you've been through, just tid bits here and there.. the day he turns 18, give him everything you posted here and more.. have him read it and show him the STRUGGLES you went through in your own life and even though you went through so much, you made sure to put the effort to keep him in your life. He will forever be thankful for having such a wonderful figure in his life.. a role model even.

    You should talk to some publishers about publishing a book.. you have a niche in that, the patience to do it all can pay off and give others a chance to see that we don't all live in a perfect world and there are people going through worse but you've handled things quite well.. that might pay off for you in itself.

    Please keep us updated.. and I sincerely wish you the best of luck. I really do mean that.
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Your not to blame for any of it. When i look at you i see a loving and caring individual, not a drug addict, nor a person who made wrong decisions in his life, this whole messed up situation is because you are a VICTIM of a psychotic mom.

    This is also the reason why you chose to be with psychotic gf's ,because they represented your moms dysfunctional rolemodel of how woman should act. Your mom send you off into the direction of the drain, as a kid at your mom's mercy not being able to do anything about it, you then get seperated from this person that should have provided you with love,education, warmth and kindness. Because you felt a natural need for these things, the lack of it has created you into one majorly messed up individual, and afteral a person who never received love,normally does not know how to give it , then comes the sexual abuse which led you to think that the world is one huge chaotic mess. I would not be suprised that you went into a to hell with everything including yourself attitude, abusing drugs and having people solemnly for sex.

    I also don't know how you managed to survive cancer along with the heartattack , i had a neighbour who didn't manage to survive the lymph node cancer, i actually thought that stuff was always fatal.

    And of course after pulling a trail of complete devastation the ball of negativity has come to a sort of halt, because your body is completely exhausted. You finally had those last 2 years to reflect it.

    So now what? Well towards regarding your son, i would stay away from psycho woman for the rest of your life. He's never known you, and although it would be good to get to know him, im afraid it migth already be too late for him, if i where you id let the DEA barge into her house and get her drugs confiscated while she would be thrown in jail, and because of her drug abuse the child custody would go towards you. As you said, no one should grow up in a situation like that, it might be to late for her, but hopefully not for your son. I think you need to give him the same love that you gave to your step-child. But such should only be done when you are in good health. I would try to save who i could.
     
  16. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    Thank you.

    I've got so much shit to deal with right now it's not even funny. For the last 3 months I've been trying to get over my most recent breakup. I hit rock bottom about 2 months ago, that's when I realized that it all led back to, and brought up everything I had pushed to the back of my head.

    I snapped in the middle of the night, I hopped in my car and started to drive to my mothers house (she's in TX, I'm in FL). I figured that since I didn't have the balls to commit suicide, that I would drive over there, brutally murder her, and either get shot when the police showed up, or get the death penalty.

    I almost made it out of the state before my head cleared up.

    That's when I saught professional help, I tried to have myself comitted, but they didn't feel I was an immediate threat. I made several phonecalls to support groups/teaching hospitals, and colleges that offered low cost individual therapy.

    I didn't recieve any calls back.

    Two weeks ago I lost it again (after trying to talk things out with my recent ex). I tried again to have myself comitted, I needed to talk to someone, they treated me like a junkie.

    I barely made it home without driving into a tree.

    That was when I started typing.

    The next day I recieved a callback from one of the services, they wanted me to try group therapy.

    I went in for 3 back-to-back hour long sessions, it was just like therapy as a kid. I couldn't talk about my real problems with strangers like that.

    I didn't go back.

    This morning I had a meeting with a psychologist, as I was sitting in the waitingroom I picked up an [SIZE=-1]Architectural Digest, [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]I didn't make it 10 pages in before I had to put it down, I was on the verge of losing it. It brought back the memories and dreams that I shared with Jess. The same thing happened when I was watching TV tonight and saw an ad for Kohler showerheads (you know, the square ones). They were in our plans. Before we split up I had just installed a Jacuzzi bathtub, and was in the process of tiling the walls of the shower in natural slate (the same tile used in the commercial).

    I ingrained this woman into every aspect of my life (see my thread "confused"). All my pain and heartache from the past meant nothing when I was with her, it all disappeared, the struggle was finally worth it. She even wanted me to try and contact my son, it was in my plans, as soon as I finished school and got into a secure financial situation.

    Right now I just want to say fuckit, sell everything I own, leave an envelope of cash in her mailbox, and give up.

    It hurts just as much now, as it did when I realized we were over- 2 months ago.

    I've been through many relationships in the last 10 years (close to 20), and NONE of the seperations hurt NEARLY as much as this.

    I left my baggage at the door last time, I don't think I can do it again. I KNOW I can't go through this again. I'm not even sure if I can make it through this one.



    [/SIZE]
     
  17. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Sir, keep your head up. You've traveled too far and too long in life to give up now bro, way too far. Doing something like that would only prove to everyone else you're the same as them - You're not. I read through everything, and damn, it brought tears to my eyes.




    I'm 21 years old and never met my father in my life. I was brought up in a relatively poor household with me, my mom, and my twin brother. We never had all the fancy toys, never had all the fancy clothes, never had the best food.. hell, we ate Crispy Crunch instead of Captain Crunch. But, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

    Why? To know I had a parent, singular, not plural, that cared for me whole heartidly was more then gratifying. When my mother picked us up, or when she simply said good night, it was always from the heart. As a child with no father, I'll tell you this.

    No matter how late you may think it is, or how un-natural you may think it is, I'd say you're wrong for thinking that way. You're quite possibly a role-model guy, given your past experiences, both with children and relationships, you know how to handle. When you talked about your "step-son" the light you hold inside you completely shined out. You talked in high regards, lifted spirits, and quite possibly the proudest man on earth.

    Dealing with your ex-girlfriend / baby mother might not be the best experience in the world, but, the outcome could be the most rewarding. You have a child who until recently has been paper work, now is your time to bring this child home. Are you going to just pass it up? I think you'd smile more if you had that "step-son" feeling back.. except this time? Just dad, and son.

    Possibilities are endless.
     
  18. Bugalu

    Bugalu OT Supporter

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    HOLY FUCK.

    Bro i've been going thru some shit man, and its nothing compared to what you have gone through.

    I guess I really dont have any words of encouragement, but I think if you can afford to fight for your son, you should do it.

    I know if I was that kid, I'd want my dad to. She sounds like a trainwreck and he needs someone in his life to show him what life is really all about.
     
  19. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    I don't know what to say, all I have to offer is :hug: :hs:
     
  20. donraj

    donraj New Member

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    If I was you I would idealistically say that I would do anything to get my son into a better home then with his fucked up mom; offer him the best upbringing I could from this point on out so he knows there are better things in better places. He may not be completely aware of everything going on at this point, but when he gets older and older his reality will get harsher and harser. And as from your personal experience, should he really have to deal with that?

    Honestly like someone said, get her busted on whatever charge you can; "saw her high beating her kid" or some bullshit like that. If you can get them to storm her place and find some coke or shit, he'll be in your fucking hands like that.
     
  21. lately

    lately bastard OT Supporter

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    You need to move [FAR] away and start over. Eat the 400 dollars a month and save yourself the mental abuse and agony.
     
  22. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    About life:
    Hey man, from one man who has contemplated suicide to another. I'm just going to give you the facts straight, because I've seen you've been through a lot, and I don't have to sugarcoat anything.

    In life, we have one, and only one thing that we know for sure: We will die.

    So with your guarantee in hand, truly I ask you, can you turn your back to the circus that is life, and say you want to leave before you're shown the door? Aren't you curious how it's going to end? Really, what's the worst that can happen? What's life gonna do to you? Kill you? See, this problem just solves itself.

    But in those years that you have left. Ah, there's the catch. There you have no guarantee. There you don't know what will happen.

    I feel like I could share the meaning of life with you and you'd understand what I mean immediately, Unlike most people here. Trust me, it's not some religious bullshit, but it's late, and I'm tired, and I don't feel like typing that, especially since it's not the question you originally asked it seems. If you want, I can tell you more though. So just ask and I'll gladly type it up.

    Hornets
    Do it man, definitely do it. Not for the woman, but for the son. That kid right there is your own. You'll recognize yourself in him, and judging from what you said about the mother, he probably needs someone to talk to. Look how you loved that other kid there. Really, can you say all the shit times in life weren't worth it for those moments of beauty alone?

    Think about this kid, you never even got to really know him. You never even gave yourself that chance of seeing who he is and watching him grow. Never gave yourself the chance of loving your own son. I'm not saying your reasons for doing so were necessarily bad, but that this is the way it turned out.

    Be prepared though, he may not be ready for you. Understand that all he's ever likely heard is his mother's side of the story, or he could just assume that you were always a deadbeat or something. Never mind that, the important thing is to extend that olive branch. It counts for more than you can imagine.

    Don't believe me? Read all the other long lost father stories on here and note that one of the most deeply hurtful things they perceive as injustices inflicted on them from you is if you make no attempt at contact with them. This alone is sometimes enough to drive them to decide to never want to talk to you.

    Talk to the mother, but don't get involved with her. Remember that this is about the son. Feed her whatever bullshit you need to tell her, but just convince her to let you see your son.

    Now when you see your son, can you really look him in the eye and say that you don't have anything to live for?

    You want to know why that last relationship cut you so deeply? It was because you lost something there that you knew truly meant something. You lost something you actually loved. Maybe it was that kid, maybe his mother, or maybe both, I don't know, but you felt it. You knew you had tasted something there in life that was something you don't see often. Maybe your mind didn't realize it, but your heart did.

    Let me tell you about this kind of pain. I see your chemo days have made you well versed in physical pain, so you're no stranger to it. Yet from the way you talked how this hurt like none other, I see you're somewhat less knowledgeable with this kind of pain. Emotional pain is far more dangerous. You see, physical pain, meh, there's only so much of it you can take before you die. Big deal.

    Emotional pain has no such limits. It can destroy something much more precious than your body, it can destroy your soul. It can scar you in such ways that you don't even realize you've been scarred because you've lost such a big piece of yourself, that you can't remember what the old you was.

    This is the thing though, this is the thing you must wager for true happiness. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, haven't you noticed this about life yet? Everything has a price.

    I know this is starting to sound depressing now, but like I said at the beginning, I'm not going to bullshit you.

    So maybe now you're thinking, "So how does this tie into me seeing my son again?" It ties in because this is the kind of pain you'll feel if you lose the chance of being in your son's life. If you don't at least try, you'll always regret losing what could have been a great source of beauty in your life.

    As for the girl, don't worry, even if you don't get her back, it just means that's not the one meant for you, and you were wasting your time all along. Good news it's over, and you can get back at finding that girl that will give you true love.

    The bond with your blood that you share with your son, well, nothing can replace that and at least trying to do something good with that, well, that's not too much of a risk to take, just trying to get to know him? If it doesn't work out, well at least you tried and you'll be able to sleep peacefully at night. But if it does? There will be so much you'll learn from that, and so much you'll get back, that you'll think back to when you wanted to kill yourself, and be so glad you decided not to go through with it.

    Be understanding if he rejects you at first. Remember what it was like to be a little kid, ignorant of the way life really is, and the funny things it does to us.

    I don't know what else to say. If you want me to explain why I think love is worth it, that'll take a long time, and I'll have to get into that meaning of life thing. But alas, it's late now, and I must get to sleep. I'll write about it if you're seriously interested though.
     
  23. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Oh shit you're here. :wavey: I'm off to sleep. Hope you see something that gets through to you in what I wrote.
     
  24. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    Arclight-

    The reason I asked the original question about my son is because I'm trying to deal with the emotional pain.

    Physical pain is cake, it reaches a point where you can just disconnect from it. Just mentaly block it out and go "numb". One of the tricks I taught myself was to "channel" the pain, I taught this to Jess when she was in the hospital-

    " I ask her to imagine the pain running from her arm and her stomach, through her body, along her other arm, out her hand, and into mine. She’s totally calm and relaxed, she barely even notices when the nurse is through."


    I haven't been able to do this with emotional pain. I can't "disconnect" from it without the fear of becoming a cold, heartless person. I can't "channel" it, I use it as motivation to create, but it ends up turning out that I'm just taking my mind off it. The pain is just getting pushed into my subconscious. Bottled up, to explode the next time something hurts me.

    I can't let go of it.

    I don't transfer it to other people, and I don't take it out on other people. I have done it in the past, and all it did was bring more pain and guilt.

    What I lost, and the reason it hurts so much. I lost the focus. She boosted my self esteem, my self worth. I was so busy devoting my energy to making a better future for us, that I didn't have time to think about the pain. I was filled with happiness, a sense of accomplishment. That it just blocked everything out.

    I admit I'm extremely codependant. Not in the "what should I do, help me with my problems" sense. But in the "I have this knowlege, talent, and resources, what can I do to make our lives better".

    I have already proven to myself that I can do it, I need someone to do it for.

    The meaning of life in my eyes, is to spread knowlege and wisdom. To help those around you to make their lives easier. To procreate, and continue the trend. Wether it's helping someone build a house, or to spark their creativity.

    That's my goal in life. To learn as much as I can, and to transfer that knowlege to others.

    If you have the time, I'd like to hear your theory on the meaning of life.

    Thanks for the post.

    And to the other posters who I haven't acknowledged directly, I thank you for your insight, It's slowly sinking in.
     
  25. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    Hah!

    Oh fuck man, I know this feeling all too fucking well. You're more like me than I imagined sir.

    Ah fuck, it's been a rough week for me man, it seems life enjoys shitting on us.

    Anyways, since you asked...

    The meaning of life, is life itself.

    Nothing more, nothing less. I don't think I need to explain it any further, I think you'll understand. Also I think you'll understand that what you said, is just an extension of this simple fact. Not just that, but a whole slew of ethics can be extrapolated from this. This is the simplest form I could get it to, without attaching any baseless human emotion/religious motif for what the goal of life should be.

    Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The shit storm's been particularly fierce these past few days. I'm curious what you think of this though.
     

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