SRS Adultery - let me tell you my story.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Ryuhei, Mar 18, 2010.

  1. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    I suck in so many ways so why not share this with OT and potentially the world?

    My wife and I have been married for 6+ years. We have known each other since highschool. We're both 32 now. We have 1 four year old child.

    I COMMITTED ADULTERY LAST AUGUST ('08) FOR TWO WEEKS.

    I admitted it to her although I coulda gotten away with it. I told her because I thought if the tables were turned I'd like to know and be able to make my own choice. I've never cheated before. I'm not a player and have never had any issue with infidelity. It's not something I've struggled with.

    We've always had a relationship where she's worn the pants and always "won" if an issue came up. I haven't spoken up over the years or indicated when I thought she was being pushy or unfair. That's my fault and I take the blame. After all, how could she know if I felt mistreated if I didn't tell her?

    The times that happened I told myself "don't sweat the small stuff." Marriage is bigger than these little "insignificant" issues. Unfortunately it wasn't small stuff. She has major control issues and must always have leverage over any relationships she has. Her mom is exactly the same.

    So I told her about the affair and she immediately went to live with her parents in Florida for a month. She took our daughter. I drove the 1100 miles down there 3 times to visit because I felt so sick without her. A couple times in the past 6 months she's said she loves me.

    About a month and a half ago that all stopped. Now it's just "I hate you, this can never work, you've changed me permanently, if we stay together KNOW that I WILL cheat on you and it's not as bad as what you did because I'm warning you."

    Since I've told her she has also beaten me many times and actually made me bleed and gave me a black eye/popped blood vessels for a month.

    I'm totally lost and understand her true nature is probably not so stellar but I can't imagine life without her :sadwavey:

    Cliffs: I had an adulterous relationship for 2 weeks in August of 2008.

    My dumb ass told my wife.

    She has beaten me bloody (literally) and mentally tormented me for over 6 straight months.

    I still want her.

    Yes I know I suck @ life.
     
  2. SirSmith

    SirSmith Banned

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    Why did you cheat in the first place. You know if you never did this none of this would happen to you.
     
  3. john law

    john law Guest

    If you are ever unsure of a decision in life, say it out loud.
     
  4. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    I didn't do it to pay her back or get revenge for the years of mistreatment. I did it because I hated myself, hated the world, and felt so disgusted that I couldn't please the one person I loved the most. ABSOLUTELY the wrong course of action. No doubt about that. And I do understand if I didn't do what I did I wouldn't have endured what she has now done.
     
  5. 4W4K3

    4W4K3 New Member

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    I'd leave her, if she's letting you know now that she is going to cheat on you. I'd half expect that she has already cheated on you with that kind of a remark. I'd leave her even faster since she beat you. How can she say she loves you and then physically harm you?

    Easy decision IMHO, leave her, try to get joint custody of your daughter, move on with your life. Easy to type, very hard to do, but I don't see your relationship working out if your wife beats you and plans to cheat on you.
     
  6. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    Sound advice. I have sickened myself :wtc:
     
  7. john law

    john law Guest

    Your victim mentality amuses me.
     
  8. bummerkit

    bummerkit New Member

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    What sickening is that you put up with that kind of relationship for so long. Did you go about changing things the wrong way? Yes, but at least you have an opportunity for change now. Dont fuck it up.
     
  9. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    She hasn't beaten me since the climax of the beatings which was the black eye & popped blood vessels (mid January). There were many times before that (starting when she was in Florida in September) where she left marks but they were not visible to others.

    I highly doubt she's already cheated.

    I always tell myself, "what if ONE MORE DAY helps her turn a corner and want to work on it? Not change over night but just be willing to entertain the idea of staying. What if all the cheating talk is just talk of a hurt/angry woman?"

    I would feel like even more of a loser if I threw in the towel because I put a time limit on her "healing" vs. letting it run its course.
     
  10. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    What does that even mean? How can I F things up if she doesn't do anything but berate and (previously) beat me? She's not willing to work with me or give an inch because she feels I should have reached out before it got to me doing what I did.
     
  11. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    Actually it's the other way around. She's stewing in her sense of victimhood and seems content to cause everyone around her to feel her pain and feels she has a blank check to do WHATEVER her sense of loss compels her to do.

    I completely own up to the devastation I caused with my affair and IN NO WAY blame her or our past. A decision comes down to the person who makes it. No one can make another person do or say the things they do. It's not like we're Jews in Auschwitz with guns to our heads.
     
  12. bummerkit

    bummerkit New Member

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    1. She is a bitch, and takes advantage of your weakness. Get out of the relationship.

    2. She is right. You should have told her what was wrong and worked it out instead of being a douche and cheating.
     
  13. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    None of the issues you already had have been resolved, and many more have been heaped on top. Since you seem to be incapable of resolving them with her (whether her fault or yours), the relationship is not going to work
     
  14. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    Sad but (seemingly) true. She was hardly willing to work on things before. Now I truly am the bad guy and she has completely turned off. The horrible thing is that her behavior now is nothing new. It's simply amplified because now she REALLY has something to complain about. Fawk me. Nice life I've carved out.
     
  15. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    Walk away from it. Do your damage control to minimize fallout to your life and your daughter's life, ensure that you can build for the future (ie: not being destroyed by alimony/child support), learn from your mistakes (this includes being too passive and a doormat), and move on with your life.

    Wallowing in self pity doesn't change anything.
     
  16. john law

    john law Guest

    You need to look in the mirror.

    The MAN looking back at you is both the cause and the solution to all of your problems.
     
  17. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    That's probably unavoidable.

    Not sure I'm wallowing in self-pity. She is for sure, but I'm truly making a good-faith effort to prove through actions and lifestyle (vs. just words) I want this to work.
     
  18. Ryuhei

    Ryuhei Oh gawd

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    The man looking back understands this but also doesn't want to lose her. I know I can't force a person to act a certain way or to have certain feelings but I also feel being too aggressive (e.g. suggesting tactics to cope/heal/counseling) or being too passive (letting her "heal" her own way) are not going to work either. The balance is impossible to reach though when you get absolutely NOTHING from the other person. How do I put a time limit on her deciding she may want to "work it out?" Most would say I've put up with it long enough at 6 months but they don't love her.
     
  19. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    You obviously will have to pay some. The point is to manage it so that you aren't getting destroyed
     
  20. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    To answer your question: The last sentence sums everything up. You don't put a time limit on her deciding she wants you back. You move on with your own life. If she later decides she wants you back and is willing to work on her issues as well, then you decide if you still want her back.
     
  21. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Get couples counselling. She doesn't get carte blanche to do what she likes for the rest of your marriage just because you cheated. Yes, what you did was bad, wrong, hurtful, etc. Stop kicking yourself. Don't do it again. Neither of you can change the past and the present isn't any better so you'd better start working on your future.

    If you want to have any hope of a loving relationship in the future, she's going to have to forgive you, you're going to have to forgive yourself and both of you are going to have to redefine and rebuild your relationship. Her definition sucks and so does yours. They're dysfunctional. You're depressed and she probably is, too.

    Get some help. If she won't go to counselling, go alone. Do it for your daughter if you won't do it for yourself. Do you want her growing up and learning that this is how men should be treated? You could be dooming your daughter's future relationships as well as your own.
     
  22. john law

    john law Guest

    Love is a powerful drug my friend. The highs and lows are more extreme than anything man could create.

    If you want my honest opinion, things are broken beyond repair. Dr. Phil and Jesus working together couldn't put this back together.

    Sometimes in life you just can't win, and this is one of them. Most things in life aren't impossible, but getting her back will be. Cut your losses, lick your wounds, and be civil for the child's sake. You have nothing to gain, and everything to lose.

    I mean no offense by this, but I suggest you get some consoling and join a gym. You have clear self esteem issues, and you seem to be a good person. You have to be fixed yourself, before you can think of fixing a relationship.
     
  23. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    You first need to understand that you told her not because you "thought you'd want to know in her shoes". You told your wife because you felt guilty, and wanted to get rid of that feeling. You are still in denial if you state that you've not "struggled" with it, as you did cheat - therefore, there IS a struggle. Trust me, I'm not only here to sound harsh - there is more going on than you cheating...

    Already, this statement scares me, and it should you. Marriage is a friendship based on compromise and communication. If she always "won" it implies these are arguments of significance to you both; with you always siding with her. Already this is an unbalanced relationship with power in control only by her. Granted, you may not have told her, but she wasn't blind to these results either.

    So it hurt you? The answer is yes. So you walled your emotions behind a lie of "don't sweat the small stuff" and let it go. You didn't let it go did you? Instead, it built inside you into something much larger. Here you finally admit she has control issues - something you have tried denying for a long time. Her mom may or may not be the same way - it is irrelevant though, as my father was an abusive alcoholic, but I am not. It's just an excuse for poor behavior.

    So she didn't want to consider counseling? She didn't want to talk about it? She thought that separating a child from her father by more than 1000 miles was good for the mental health of a four year old? She made up her mind then and there that she was done with it. You were the only person that thought it might still work - again, more denial. Of course she said she loved you a few times- it wouldn't hurt her if she didn't!

    She has finally gotten to the point of accepting that you two are no longer together. It's not that she "hates you" it's that she wants to hate you because it's easier than being hurt over you. Her saying that she'd cheat on you is irrelevant - it was said only to hurt you.

    Not only was she controlling, but abusive. This is not healthy for any relationship. Would you put up with it if you good friend from child hood punched you in the face? No, of course not! So why is it ok for a spouse to do it?

    You need to understand that you'll never have a life without her as she is the mother of your only child. You will see each other at birthday's, graduations, school events.... You have to image your life without her as your partner. That aspect of your relationship is over, as she is clearly ready to move on. You have to remember, it takes two to have a relationship. For far too long, it's only been one of you having a relationship - and eventually you went looking for that something that was missing.
     
  24. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Don't forget your child. You might think it's been a big f up. Truth is, your child needs to become your focus so it's not a big f up.
     
  25. Man Bear Pig

    Man Bear Pig Banned

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    Man, you need to man up and get a divorce, pronto. From what you describe, it sounds like your marriage wasn't working, your wife is bitch, and you have no spine.
    Get some self esteem.
    Realize your marriage is over.
    Move to where you can visit your child.
    Invest in yourself.
     

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