SRS Addicted to Porn

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SmugDruggler, Oct 11, 2007.

  1. SmugDruggler

    SmugDruggler New Member

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    Three years ago, I made the decision to break from a lifestyle that heavily embraced a careless attitude and dangerous social habits. I started the process of therapy, went on medication, and focused on sorting out my problems in an orderly way.

    The primary impetus to this was building a family. The woman I was in love with has a baby girl and I've over these years become her father, even though now I am no longer romantically involved with her mother. Raising a child is perhaps the most wonderful experience I'll ever have, so I have a definite reason to keep my life in shape.

    Two things haunt me still:

    1. poor financial status and habits,
    2. and my addiction to looking for and at pornography and anything that could be considered erotic.

    This second thing is really getting to me. Back in the day, three years ago, I used to look up anything I could get my hands on, from mainstream porn to the depths of deviant awfulness. My decision to turn things around had some real troubles at first, but I ended up in a state where I didn't see any pornography for over a year. But still, I'd feel like looking for it whenever I was using a search engine at work or looking up jobs at a library computer (I voluntarily cut off my own access to the internet).

    The danger in porn, for me, comes from a few angles:

    it has an unnatural pull on me, making me lose sleep, be late for appointments, or slack on doing more important things.

    It served as a vehicle to some pretty disgusting and predatory attitudes toward people, especially girls/women. The preponderance of all the different types out there made it that much easier to develop some dangerous ideas and habits about relationships. For instance, I would fully believe that women liked to be SURPRISED by sexual actions...that they happened out of chance, like in Penthouse's letters. This caused me to be generally insensitive to people who did not want sexual advances or were not really ready for them.

    It helped fuel in me a sort of fugue state where I would lose touch with the real effect and consequences of what I was doing. I would do things like masturbate in public, peak in windows, and frotteurize women in crowded places, among other things. This sort of behaviour was already there, but porn jacked it up and kept it sustained in a womb of justification and minimization.

    Much more subtle, it was supporting a culture of women-as-playthings/servitors. Porn teaches us that to be wanted, you have to perform, and sometimes degrade yourself. Now, I don't think most makers of porn are out there twisting their mustaches plotting the ruin of women, but the effect of what they do adds to a huge pile of expectation and judgement that is put upon people, especially women in this culture. Having a daughter really kinda makes you look at ambient sexism and inequality in new ways, but of course I could have cared less back then.

    So here's the problem...

    Within the last couple of months, since I've been letting myself back online, I can't seem to NOT look up porn or erotica whenever I have the chance. It gets better and worse and sometimes, but I've actually looked for erotic things every night this week. Tonight was the height of it so far, since I looked up and masturbated to porn based on twins/lesbians. This is not mainstream and I really worry about not only my seeming inability to control myself but also a lean back into deviant porn best left alone. I haven't come this far back toward where I used to be for over two years and it's kind of alarming to say the least.

    I've installed a filter program on the computer, but I've spent some hours "testing" it with various tries. Even though it is pretty effective, I've been able to get through to some nudity and even hardcore material. Tonight, in a haze of arousal, I turned off the program altogether so I could look up what I did.

    This sort of compulsive behaviour makes me feel more worthless, but it also has a DEFINITE thrill factor. I really got super-aroused tonight. This makes it so much harder to avoid doing this.

    Usually the basic sexual arousal is coupled with a joy at finding and acquiring new content (viewing it - I have not saved any of it). The power of this makes me do irrational things like justify doing a seach for one thing online. knowing it is tangental to something else erotic, JUST so i can catch a glimpse of something "accidentally."

    My family and friends know about and have been supportive of this, even if it is sometimes a drag to hear me tell of my troubles. They all agree on the path I want to be on here.

    So I'm thinking of either giving up my own self-control a bit and having someone else set security for me or just chucking the access altogether.

    One more thing...tonight is my sixth night without Celexa, which I have taken to control compulsive behaviour. There was a mix up between the doctor and the pharmacy and I've been without it for too long now. I get my Rx filled tomorrow, hopefully, so this will help things. I bring this up with a knowledge that relying on medication alone is deadly, but also knowing that this stuff has really evened me out in general.

    Anyway, I've rambled for too long and will likely only get one reply, but if anyone has some advice or anecdotes, please share.

    Thanks for the forum.
     
  2. Franco

    Franco New Member

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    Talk to your doctor and let someone else handle the security of your internet access, so that you cannot turn of the program yourself or similiar. If that is not possible turn of your internet access for a while until you feel safe again.

    Your addiction might get worse.
     
  3. ahtnamas

    ahtnamas OT Supporter

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    Well, I have to thank you for, at the very least, realizing what you referred to as the "effect" of pornography on society/people. A lot of males are too close-minded to realize this, and even though you are having issues with compulsion/control, the fact that you do realize it is significant.

    As with anything, a good way to get something out of your routine is to change your routine altogether. Perhaps find a new hobby, something that gets you out of the house but is also not in close quarters with anything that may tempt you if you're really trying to stop. You seem to be a good writer, perhaps you could write? Maybe get a typewriter for that, though, or at least a PC with no internet access.

    All in all, the intent to stop is a very good thing and a great start. What you need is to get to the point where you can have a PC with internet access and you don't "need" to look that up.

    It's a pretty primitive thing, but maybe some kind of negative association would work? Like how people used to put poisons (not deadly ones, just ones to make you puke) in the drinks of alcoholics, to have a negative association. I'm not sure how you could do that, but maybe you could. Or, if you are the kind of person who'd be open-minded to hypnosis (mainly it's just a personality type, and the power of suggestion, not voodoo or anything) give that a try.

    More so than all of that, for now, have somebody else control your internet access, and go somewhere (like here) where you can talk to people about it.

    You're a good person for thinking of your daughter and wanting to change for the better. It's a good start. Just keep it going.
     
  4. ahtnamas

    ahtnamas OT Supporter

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    And, contrary to popular sentiment on this board, don't buy a sub :o
     
  5. PureEnergy

    PureEnergy New Member

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    I can relate to this addiction.
     
  6. SmugDruggler

    SmugDruggler New Member

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    Thank you all...

    I have been away from the computer for a week now and did not get a chance to thank all those responding. I appreciate the compassion and attention to the issue you guys gave.

    So yeah, now my K9 filtering is admin'd by my roommate, who is a very involved and responsible person.

    I have not had a chance to try negative association techniques. I would shy away from them simply because they would require further exposure to the problematic material.

    I also haven't had a chance to discuss this with my therapist yet, since our meetings have dropped down to about twice a month now...sometimes longer.

    But I don't feel particularly vulnerable or ready to lapse again and I am on my meds once more. I'm hoping this will be a "bad spot" I can look back on with a meditation on how life is full of close calls and challenges.

    I've since then heard of another person who's going through the same thing. They even resorted to deception and anger/derogation to mask the pain it caused them. This thing is just one more example of how IMPORTANT mental health education and acceptance of mental health issues is to our society. Meh.

    Anyway, thanks again, and HelloHello, feel free to talk if you need. We seem to have some compassion here.
     
  7. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]

    Oh god...
     
  8. autobahn

    autobahn New Member

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    sounds to me like the porn isn't the cause but a conduit?

    Definitely something to discuss with a therapist.
     
  9. SmugDruggler

    SmugDruggler New Member

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    Cause of...? Conduit for...?

    Compulsive behaviour?

    Well, in general, porn fills a void. The key question is...what is that void? Companionship? Security - the comfort of a loving partner? Vitamin B deficiency? And then, the golden ticket is...how to fill that void in a healthy way.

    Yeah, this is a big underlying conversation with my subconscious that we've identified and are working on. That, and my horrible habit of ending sentences with prepositions.
     
  10. Kirby McSpic

    Kirby McSpic New Member

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    Well therein lies the challenge, doing things to replace the void and finding out what the void is. All I can do is wish you the best of luck.
     

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