You often hear a couple arguing, typically in such a scenario one is insulting some quality of the other. Now, there are only two situations where such a comment is true, either the 'insult' is simply a fact of the persons life, or it is something they neglect to improve about themself, but want to or should. I will offer myself up on this as an example. I'm lazy physically. I hate physical work, most sports, and really moving in general. When I want to lose weight, I heavily restrict my eating, for the most part, I don't exercise. I hate it. If a woman didn't like a lazy guy, I'm probably not right for her. However, let's offer up someone else as an example, oh, say Beast. Beast is a body builder, he likes physical activity, but let's say in 5 years he doesn't do it any more. It's still a part of him, and something he enjoys, but he never participates in it for some reason. Beast could easily change his behavior and get buff again, while I remain my puffball self sitting alone in the dark watching movies. I can choose to exercise, but will never enjoy it, you can't change some things about who you are. There are similar examples of things I do in my life that I could potentially stop doing, and in the process damage myself, which would cause someone to berate me about starting again. Which would probably be a good thing for me. There's a sliding scale for these traits, but that's really not important. What is is perspective. Many people wonder how they can be a better partner. Well, really, there are only three ways, from the perspective of your partner. 1) Be a better lover. 2) Get more in tune with what your partner wants. (Listen) 3) Improve yourself in ways you wish to improve. Now, 1 is obvious. 2 is also rather obvious, as listening and communication are the cornerstone to a healthy relationship. But something is often neglected. Three. I preach compatibility on these forums a lot, be with someone you are truly compatible with, not someone for the moment etc blah blah blah. Looking from your perspective, that doesn't help you. Now, how do you achieve compatibility? The first step is to self-actualize. Figure out who you are, really, what you like, how you want to improve, etc and set about to improve and understand yourself. The more you do, the more you improve, and the more you know whether or not someone is right for you. Let's take an example- Rick is a stoner. He's always wanted to be an actor, but never taken the ambition to do something about it, it's easier to just work a shitty job, smoke weed all day and hang with his girlfriend, Alyssa. Rick and Alyssa, in terms of personality, aren't compatible with one another. However, they share the fact that their complete apathy for life has led them to the same lifestyle- sitting around and smoking pot. Neither are, in any way, self-actualized. Let's say they wake the fuck up, start pursuing their interests, and in general living their life. Rick starts taking acting classes, auditions, reading acting books, and trying to get Alyssa to help him prepare. Alyssa thinks all of this is ridiculous. She wants nothing to do with acting, Alyssa is only interested in cars. Slowly, as the two pursue their hobbies, they drift apart, until one day they have nothing to talk about and split up. Many people, as a defense mechanism, metaphorically sit around and smoke pot with their spouse/partner/whathaveyou for years in their relationship. Being yourself has the unfortunate side effect of causing most people to be turned off and/or find you annoying, and chances are the more you act like yourself the more people will break up with you. So really, you have two options, lie your entire life or stop lying, be yourself, and go through the tedious task of finding someone who is right for you. The first step toward this is to improve your own life as much as you possibly can. Do what you want to do. Hate your job? Find a way to find a new one. Hate your house? Move, or improve it. Hate your girlfriend? Dump her. Take everything in your life you don't want, that you can do without, and get rid of it. Start to do things you do like to do, whatever they may be. Make yourself happier. It's said that the happiest individual is one who has self-actualized, upon achieving this you can essentially be happy every moment of every day, regardless of the circumstances in your life. I recently read a book by a playright who, after many years of trying to fight the Hollywood system, quit writing and moved out to a dingy shack by the sea. He said only then, when he did what he had wanted to do for 40 years, was he truly happy, living in some shitty shack in the middle of nowhere, with all the solitude he desired, reading/writing whatever caught his fancy and doing whatever it is he wanted. He could have done that 40 years earlier. Figure yourself out. Then, once you have, you'll know for sure whether you and someone else are right for each other. If you're both apathetic, metaphorically smoking pot on a couch, you're much more likely to get along, but much less likely to be happy. The best advice seems like common sense, and I believe this to be under that heading. Back to the original paragraph. If your spouse is yelling at you for something about yourself you don't want to change and shouldn't, the change that is needed is most likely to find a new relationship, or avoid the issue entirely. I'd guess more likely the former than the latter, but we don't live in a perfect society where people are as happy single, seeking semi-perfection as I am. If they are yelling at you about something you do want to change, do it. It's all about realizing what you want and getting it, not ignoring what you want and being miserable. Hope this stream of consciousness helps someone.