SRS Abused (anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Dec 14, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I have a few issues that I need to resolve but really dont know where to turn...

    I was sexually abused by my sister when I was around 9 years old and think this might have affected me more than I thought. I still have to be civil to her because none of my other family know and I don't want to cause trouble. She'd probably deny it anyway. She's about 5 years older than me.

    I find it extremely hard to connect on an emotional level with anyone including close family. I don't like public affection whatsoever or hugging/kissing family members.

    I have no empathy whatsoever for other people's situations/problems

    I've only had sex once despite numerous encounters with women. I've had several occasions where i've been unable to perform, sometimes when sober sometimes when drunk. Now i'm worried that I won't be able to perform, so have avoided women. I've no problem with foreplay etc just the actual sex. This is constantly on my mind. I am in my mid 20's

    Essentially I just feel like a complete failure in life. I've got nothing going for me, no job, no girl, no money.

    How can I sort myself out? Especially the sexual issues (read above)? It's difficult to be honest with any girls, especially at my age, they'd just think I'm weird. Is there something wrong with me?
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You need to start by finding a therapist ASAP.

    If you've never told anyone then you will continue to hold this all in, it will eat away at you and you'll never move past it.
     
  3. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Can you find a way to see a therapist? How long have you been out of work?
    It really is important that you try to find a way to see a therapist and get this off your chest sooner rather than later.
     
  4. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    at your mom's house. be back later.
    If you get in contact with your local rape crisis center they can really help. They help men and women who have been abused and a lot of those people have been abused as children. Their services are all free and they have 24 hour hotlines too.

    Maybe call the hotline in your area if you're too nervous to call the center first and talk to a volunteer. The volunteers are really well trained and the therapists at the centers will really be able to help.
     
  5. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    MF Truth!!!!!
     
  6. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    The sister is a relevant point, but the fact that you have no job is the first thing that needs to get fixed. Without a job, you don't have a schedule, money, or the confidence to take a girl out. I agree with the earlier posts, you need to seek confidential assistance to work through your thoughts and feelings. It is not something that you should hold in yourself.
     
  7. Joe Armstrong

    Joe Armstrong New Member

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    your sister was to young to prabably understand what she was doing. i was also in similiar situation my female cousin also touched me but I never held it against her its just curiosity from another person. i was same age as you and she was around 17 so yeah, it happens. just forget about dont humiliate her by bringing that shit up. forgive her.
     
  8. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Is this for real? A 14/15 year old should "understand what she was doing" to her 9 year old brother. And while I almost agree with the "forgive her" part, that doesn't mean he should suffer because of fear of " humiliat(ing) her by bringing that shit up.". He needs to do whatever it is that will help him heal, and if that means confronting her, so be it.
     
  9. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    First off, you've got at least something going for you. You're smart enough to convey a coherent synopsis, and you did it in order to seek help. That's a leg up on some people right there. You may be able to seek help though a local training/experience program for therapists, some do pro-bono work, and there are government programs all over (at least in CA and NJ) that can provide at least some counseling. There's also support groups that meet all over the place.

    At minimum remember you've probably got more going for you than you think.
     
  10. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    You're on the right track. Just keep moving up the ladder. Each step is harder than the last but you can do it. You do need help. You put a hand out for it finally (on here), and that's the first step. We're proud of you, and you can take it to the next step. I'm speaking from the heart. I've been there. You can do it.
     
  11. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    I think that you are completely and morally wrong. I am not one to point out errors but one should never passify the situation because the abuser's feelings could get hurt or humiliated.
    The person that got abused is the one suffering. Why wasn't his feelings taken into consideration? The person that got the abuse can't even be affectionate with their family because of his sister. I think that it should be brought up, whether by to a counsler or to the person that did the abuse. Its effecting their everyday life, to include potential relationships.

    It isn't ok whether they understand or not. Its wrong and invasive and can do more damage to one's emotional barriers that good. It should be left up to the abused to decide whether to forgive or not. But it should be delt with because its a step to recovery. Its a step towards gaining back self esteem and getting their life set on an unburdoned path.
    Don't spare her feelings due to the fact it might "humiliate" her. She needs to see what damage she has caused. She needs to understand that it wasn't right.

    IMO.. This situation is never good for forgive and forget. Your emotions will get the best of you and it will deteriorate relationships, behaviors, and anything else run by emotion.
    to the abused:
    Get help asap. You still have the power to turn all of this around. You aren't alone in this situation. You have to dig deep and face your problems and get them out in the open whether it be to a therapist, family member, friend, etc. You have the right to power up against this and take control of your life and relationships. :hug:
     
  12. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    ^^ :werd: to all of this :bowdown:
     
  13. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    :o
     
  14. Joe Armstrong

    Joe Armstrong New Member

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    she should understand what she did, that is true but some people/kids(because thats what she was at the time) aren't emotionally mature yet to fully understand the consequences of their actions. like at the time when you were "abused" you didn't know what the hell was happening right? if you were mature enough to undestand what was going on you would of probably said something abou the situation but what to i know im just pre med.
     
  15. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    :rofl: that means shit in this discussion.

    a 14/15 year old who doesn't think there's something wrong with having sex with her 9 year old brother is fucked up in more ways than we can guess.
     
  16. SBIArn

    SBIArn OT Supporter

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    Are you SERIOUS?! :ugh: It doesn't matter if you are pre med, pre law, or pre anything.
    It has NOTHING to do with the fact that you cannot justify sexual abuse using maturity as the crutch.
    Do you honestly think that if you are abused as a young child,
    that its ok because you didn't understand that its wrong? :ugh:

    Often children are afraid to tell anyone that they are being abused.
    Perhaps they have been told that what is happening is normal and okay.
    They may have been told it is a 'special secret'. They may feel great
    loyalty to a person they love who is abusing them. Or that person may
    carry a lot of authority in their life.

    Some children are threatened, or told that the abuse is their fault and
    they will be punished if it is found out. Often children cope by putting the
    abuse out of their minds. Some people completely forget having been
    abused until something in their adult life reminds them of it.

    Maturity isn't the factor of why they DIDN'T tell someone.
    No matter the age of the person getting sexaully abused/molested/raped/etc,
    It is NEVER right. It is NEVER ok.
     
  17. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    I was too embarassed/shocked, to tell anyone what happened until years later. My abuser was a someone who used to be a "friend". I was in 4th/5th grade, he was in 8th/9th. He was a friend for a couple of years before that. It happened numerous times before I gathered the courage up to say no and stop going up to his house to play.

    It was a rock in a hard place. My father was physically and mentally abusive. I was doing everything I could to escape. Much so, to the point of talking myself that sexual abuse was better than watching my mom get beat and yelled at as well as myself.

    Then it got to the point of not knowing exactly what was worse. It closed me off. Detached me even further.

    I finally told my mom when I was 17. I was afraid to tell her honestly. Going through enough shit, I didn't want anything being brought up in the paper or in public with court, etc.

    Now, I fight the urge to beat him down whenever we happen to cross paths. I told my wife, and my grandfather as well.

    Nothing will ever make up for the scars. It has a hand in making you who you are. Some take it to the extreme and they end up becoming abusers. Others withdraw. Others are unable to perform sexually. Others, it just is a part of their broken childhood. The effect it has from person to person varies.

    For me. Talking about it, and letting people know and understand has helped me "own" it. I still have trouble with emotions from it time to time. It all happens.

    You'll let yourself be eaten alive if you do not get a hand on it and be in charge of your life.

    As for the person who said shit about the abuser? Fuck the abuser. There is NO way for anyone to feel sorry for the abuser. No way. Unfathomable. Young and didn't understand? She's grown up now though, so she UNDERSTANDS. She needs to realize that it had more than a "passing" effect on the OP. :sadwavey:
     
  18. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I can't reply to everyone individually but thanks for the responses so far.

    Therapy isn't really an option for me. It would cost me far too much money. I have no spare cash at the moment. I've looked into free therapists/counselling services but there isn't anything around. I can see that it would help me out. For obvious reasons these are issues that I've not discussed with anyone.

    Getting another job is not a possibility right now as I'm sick. As soon as I'm back to full health I'll try and get another job though.

    I'm more worried about the next time I have an encounter with a woman. I'm quite good at picking up chicks I just get nervous in the bedroom and can never get it up. In private if I'm alone I can get an erection without too much trouble but generally require porn to do so. I quite often wake up with a boner though, especially if I need to pee. My problem is that even while masturbating I lose my erection sometimes, or go semi-hard. Really not sure how to approach this. It's extremely embarrassing at my age to have such a lack of sexual experience and there's not much explanation for it. I'm sure if I was honest with a girl they'd just laugh at me or think I was weird or something.

    As for confronting my sister I really don't think that's wise. My family is fucked up enough as it is and it would just add fuel to the fire. I did message her on facebook about it once when she pissed me off. I told her I didn't want to speak to her again but eventually I broke that promise. She skirted around the issues in those facebook messages and never actually admitted doing anything wrong. I can't remember the exact age she was but she knew the difference between right and wrong. Because I've tried to blank it out for years it's difficult to remember details.

    I just need help with all this as it's getting me down and the longer I leave it the worse it will get. Maybe if I just talk to someone about it it will help me out. I know that someone offered me help via PM and I may follow that up, thanks, you know who you are.
     
  19. Unspun

    Unspun New Member

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    Psychotherapy might be the answer you seek. My ex husband's grandmother was repeatedly sexually abused by her father for about 15 years, of which she completely REPRESSED, she forgot about them until he died. She had some in depth psychotherapy and the doctor was able to bring out her repressed memories and start dealing with them.

    Obviously not the same situation but it makes me believe that-if he was able to bring out memories she didn't even know existed- that someone like that should be able to help you bring out your emotions and learn to deal with them.
     
  20. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    Get help through your counties social services. They charge you on a sliding scale based on what you make.
     

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