SRS A Relationship Evaluation

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by The Secretary, Jul 17, 2006.

  1. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    This is my relationship in a nutshell with my boyfriend.



    The first semester I moved home to go to school, my mom got hurt on the job and since has had to take another job with a serious cut in pay and less hours a week to work and off in the summers. My dad works part time and cant work full time at his job becuase of downsizing, and has a small business on the side to bring in additional income. I also work part time as well and make good money for my age bracket but it is not something that I could live on by myself. I also go to school full time. I give my parents money to help pay the bills because most of the time money is very very tight.

    My boyfriend and I are both 20, and have been together for 2 years and 7 months. We met at school and hit it off. We were skeptical of doing and ldr but we thought we could give it a whirl and for the last 2 years we have lived 3 hours apart. He went to a different school after I moved home and got certifications as a diesel and auto mechanic. I am still in school and I am going to be a junior this year. Since he has graduated I have asked him to move here and get a job and live so we could be at least within a 30 mi radius of each other. He says that’s not what he is going to do. However, he has asked me to quit my current school and my job, and my income for my parents and move in with him. I told him flat out that, that was something that I couldn’t afford to do, its not that I don’t love him but I just cant drop school and a job and pick up everything I own (which isn’t much) and move. I have a decent job and would basically have to start as a sophmore if I moved schools and lose insurance under parents which I cant afford now much less by myself. I have moved so many times in my life that I just hate putting my life in a box and picking up and going, and I don’t believe in living together before your married.

    Also I know what would happen when I moved in I would become his maid, pick up after him, do his laundry, cook etc etc, now I don’t mind doing all of that but he cant or wont do any of the above listed things because his mom does everything for him. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t move here and get an apartment, the cost of living in my city is almost half of what it is in his. In the last few months, we have not had the best relationship we have had a few very serious fights, one of which involved his mother and I just didn’t let her steamroll me like she does everyone else in her house, now I am no longer able to call the house nor am I allowed in the house. I basically told her that she needed to keep her nose out of our relationship, that it didn’t concern her, and told her to cut her apron strings, quickly for all three of us sakes. Needless to say I am not on the top of her favorite list from the get go but I think I sealed the deal with those comments on the hate list.

    When I go see him I spend a whole weekend and used to stay at his house but now I stay at my cousins. When he comes and sees me he has normally been up for like 30 hours, had about 4 hours of sleep, stays for like 9 hours, and goes home. He absolutely refuses to stay at my house and he has been asked to stay by my parents and me.

    I am so frustrated with the whole situation, we fight about the littlest things now and have big fights as well. We used to never fight. He wants his cake and eat it too and I want to compromise and his mother has never been my favorite person either because she's a fake but is so overbearing and intrusive it drives me nuts, and it seems that he is ok with it. I am no saint in this I have done some things to at times increase tension between us, but I am not afraid to take an issue head on. I love him dearly and he is honestly the best boyfriend I have had to date. But I think somewhere along the way I lost myself in all the school and work and dealing with him.


    Im lost I thought if I could ask you all you could give me an objective third party opinion. What do you all think?
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Have you considered that the relationship has about run its course?
    That you and he feel the inevitable strains of moving in different directions?

    Your personalities may, at one time, have been in sync, but that appears to be changing.
    Your life goals and directions are definitely not in sync, and probably never were. They may have appeared that way before, but only because you two were both in school, and school-life gives you a preset life path.

    Once you're out....and you start making your own decisions, well that's when real life takes over.

    I think you should stay in school, and work on that. You may not feel this way now, but if this guy leaves you....you will not have lost very much.

    Just the contrary, in fact, you will be on your way to regaining yourself, and getting back on your own two feet.

    And as far as being the "best boyfriend I have had to date"...well, he's probably your first really serious boyfriend. And from your description, he doesn't sound all that great. If you were to let go, and trust in yourself, you might see that there are other, more suitable people just waiting for you.
     
  3. Broken5hift

    Broken5hift New Member

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    lmao. telling someone to dump the relationship because it isnt perfect is probably the worst advice you can give. you think perfect relationships just happen? no you have to work at them, and take your hits along the way. my girls mom banned me from their house as well, and also stood next to my girl as she broke up with me over the phone. you wanna talk about a fun mother in law? but just like anything in life, if you want it, you work for it. we are due to get married in september and things couldnt be better. her mom still hates me and i hate her, but it has no effect on our relationship anymore.

    so what im getting at is, if you really truly want it to work, then bust your ass and make it work. happiness takes alot of work.
     
  4. Kreigore

    Kreigore New Member

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    First and foremost, you did the right thing by not dropping school and moving in with him.

    It is also pretty sad that he'd make you come to his house, yet refuse to stay with you and your parents. To be honest, he seems to like where he's at and enjoys doing his own things (whatever those "things" may be).

    It seems that he doesn't want to stay at your house because some of his other "freedoms" will be compromised. At his house, he's likely able to watch whatever he wants on TV, play on his computer and be intimate with you.

    One of my problems was that at her house, she was adamant about not "doing things" -- but at my house it was OK, so I tended to prefer to stay at my house. It wasn't fair and I corrected it. :hsd:
     
  5. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    He is not the first serious boyfriend I have had I had one in high school that I dated for 2 years and 3 months but he got booted because I got tired of him cheating and lying to me.

    He didnt want me to drop out of school. He wanted me to quit school here and pick up school in his city, he wanted me to move in with him but I said no, one because we would be living at his parents house and two I dont believe in living together. I have a goal to complete my accounting degree and my cpa certification and to me that is my first priority right now.

    As for the the mother issue. To me I think having good in-law relations is important. If I am going to get married I at least want to have a reasonable amount of toleration for my in-laws. I dont mean going out every weekend with them but make family get togethers nice.

    I have such a strong personality and be extremely persistant and headstrong in every area of my life except my dating relationships. It is my one weakness, if someone isnt right for me I tend to wait and see if they change. I have been persistant with my current boyfriend and he has matured and changed alot since we have been together. But he doesnt have to worry about the things I have to worry about. Sometimes I think he just quit and became a mechanic becuase he knew he could do that with ease than to work a little bit and be a computer engineer which was his passion until he had a rough freshman year of college. Being a mechanic is a very respectable position he works very hard, makes decent money and likes what he does but he and I both wanted him to be something more because I knew he was capable if he would have just tried.
     
  6. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    From someone who's been there, it sounds like you need at least a break if not a breakup. I agree with Johan - it sounds like you're growing apart and have different priorities in life right now. Yes, a relationship takes work, but two have to work at it to make it successful. When only one person works at it, or when the participants don't put in the same level of effort, someone will end up bitter in the end, and it sounds like you're reaching this point.

    Honestly, it sounds like you've matured at a faster rate than him. You'll find that you're still maturing emotionally and will continue until at least your mid-twenties before things even start to slow down (and probably not even then). The whole point of the dating game is to find someone who can weather those changes with you - someone who can grow with you and learn with you, who will work with you to nurture the relationship you share. If you can't communicate on all levels to your satisfaction, it's time to re-evaluate and see if your path involves his.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Keep in mind that you met each other when you were 17-18-ish.
    If you want to fight to stay together, be my guest.

    Eventually though you might find that swimming upstream is too tiring. Especially when he's already swum away from you.
     

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