SRS A question for any guy who's felt jilted.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by teo, Jul 16, 2005.

  1. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    [You can skip to the bottom if you just want to read my question.]

    Background:
    I am a girl, mid twenties. I was in a relationship with a guy for about two years who is 6 years older than me. The relationship appeared average on the outside, but wasn't all that it could have been on the inside. I was unhappy - I didn't get the emotional support I needed, and my general feelings were that we weren't meant to be. There is nothing "wrong" with him, but the communication wasn't there, and necessary changes to the relationship didn't take place. Eventually, I called an end to the relationship because I felt we couldn't communicate. I wanted to live on my own and eventually see other people. He, of course, flipped.

    I realize that I probably failed to communicate just how bad things were to him. I did try, and I did say that we could work on things if he wanted to, but in the end it ended up getting nasty and I refused to try again. Words were said on both sides.

    Throughout this, he would send me nasty text messages and hurtful emails. I did my best to answer his questions as appropriate and ignore the rest, but I know that relationships take two to work and that the downfall wasn't completely my fault. It was too emotionally frustrating and it was hampering my job performance so I cut off all communication with him. He attempted to make things right by sending me flowers (which he'd never done in the entirety of our relationship) along with a box of Reese's Pieces which I love. Unfortunately, the gesture fell under the "too little too late" category, and I called him to explain that. I explained that I didn't want to have to become a complete basketcase for him to see that anything was even wrong, and that I shouldn't feel an utter and complete lack of emotional support. He freaked out again.

    By this point we'd moved into separate places and I'd found a good male friend at work who was going through the same thing with his girlfriend at the time (a whole other story in itself) and I was spending a good deal of time with him. I had known him for a while but hadn't known him beyond the acquaintance level until around the time of the breakup. At this point I should add that my ex has always had trust issues with any of my male friends, even those I'd known for years before himself. He's always acknowledged this, but hasn't taken steps to mitigate it. It didn't help that he thought he'd "stolen" me away from my previous boyfriend. So, of course, he suspected the worst and accused me of cheating on him with this guy. I'd had enough - I told him to believe whatever he wanted to believe since I obviously couldn't convince him of the truth.

    I should also add that one of the major factors in the breakup in the first place was that he was accusing me of cheating on him with other people, too, about once a month towards the end of the relationship. To set the story straight, I am not a flirt. I don't dress provocatively. I don't have much of a life outside of work - I tend to stay at home. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are mostly male due to me being a computer geek. At the time, the only people I really hung out with I would hang out with in his company as well. So he doesn't have a real basis for this claim other than the fact that I am close with the few friends I have.

    A few months after all this, he left the country to start work for a company, so the chances of running into him were thankfully slim. I haven't heard from him since, but he's badgered our mutual friends when he's heard I've hung out with them. He tells them not to hang out with me. I've lost a lot of friends in the whole ordeal, but I figure if they aren't "man" enough to be my friend, I don't need them in my life. There are some who have told him that they'll do what they want and it's not his place to say they can't.

    I started dating the male friend about a month or 6 weeks after that. We discussed everything from how it would affect our friendship to whether either of us was rebounding before even agreeing to start a relationship. We decided to try it and if things didn't feel right we'd re-evaluate. Well, it's still working and better than ever after a year and a half of dating, and we both think we've made the right choice. It "feels right" and all the communication is there. I've also made a lot of personal changes - my self-esteem is much higher, for one - and I'm starting to feel good about myself for the first time since before my parents divorced when I was 10.

    ***

    And now, on to the question. More than a year and a half after the fact, my ex is still as bitter as the day we broke up. I hear from his brother that he hates me, which doesn't surprise me. Is this a normal thing for a guy to go through? I wouldn't want to let my life be consumed by an ex. I've been dumped before - I grieved, then moved on. I'm more afraid for my personal safety than anything... I mean, if a guy can bottle up that hate for so long, there might be no limit to the lengths he would go to to "get back" at me. I'm wondering whether to consider moving (I live in the same place as where I moved to after we broke up, and my boyfriend has just moved in with me recently).

    I'm basically trying to understand his side of the story. I can understand why he would be hurt, and even accept that he won't believe what I say, even though it's true. I'd actually just like to see him find a girl who understands him and be happy with himself and his life. He's not a bad guy by any means, although perhaps emotionally immature.
     
  2. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    7,347
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    Answer to your question.. No its not a normal thing. In fact it sounds a bit extreme really...

    I just went through my own lil ordeal myself with a 7 year relationship, and have learned alot from it. Bottom line, you can't force someone to love you... if its lost.. its lost... and thats that. You can grieve all you want, send gifts.. cards.. flowers.. whatever... True love can't be bought.
     
  3. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2003
    Messages:
    5,744
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    umm its natural to be still be mad after years of breaking up. It has nothing to do with being a "guy" its human. Unless he threated you in some way and all you heard is that he hates from his brother than its nothing to worry about. Even though years has passed since i've been with my ex i still feel bitterness/hate towards her.
     
  4. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2003
    Messages:
    5,744
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    why is it extreme? just cause the word hate was used doesn't mean its extreme. some people take longer than others to recover and if it means hating the other person so be it.
     
  5. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    7,347
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    I would then say this boils down to maturity level.. no, its not relative to "guys" or "humans"...

    As usual.. what we are reading is only one-side of the story.. so yes, I understand there could be more to it... but from the sound of it... her relationship was missing the most crucial things needed in a relationship, trust and communication. They go hand-in-hand, and you will never have a truely happy relationship without understanding the importance of these two points and applying them in your own.
     
  6. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    7,347
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    I understand the time it can take for people to recover... but hurtful emails? text messages? to hate someone for not loving you back? To the point that she is scared for her own personal safety? If thats not extreme.....
     
  7. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2003
    Messages:
    5,744
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    I took it as the hurtful emails were send right after the breakup. Yea it's hard to analyze the story when it is one-sided.
     
  8. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2002
    Messages:
    59,957
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Go Dodger Blue!
    Yup, it's all about his maturity level. I certainly don't like my ex but have not done anything to ruin her life. Even if it sounds harsh, he needs to hear that he didn't deserve you.
     
  9. danromboj

    danromboj New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2004
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sounds extremely similar to my previous relationship, but coming from the other direction, and without the acrimony at the end.


    I met my ex at work. She's early 20's, I'm mid 30's. She initiated the relationship. We were on again off again for about a year and a half. Our major difficulty was also communication. She has since had a male co-worker move in with her. Who had also just broken up with his girlfriend. She tells me that he is just a room-mate. I believe her. I also have issues with trusting people. It's not that I didn't trust her to not cheat. I just have trouble trusting that somebody will always be there. People leave. It hurts too much when they do, so I had difficulty opening up. I got better at it, but not as quickly as she would have liked. So we ended the relationship.

    This is where my sitiuation diverges from yours. We had an amiable parting. I know it's possible to split and still remain friends. I still care for her deeply, just not to the point where I place her wants and needs on the same level as my own.

    She's currently upset with me for not calling her, but her phone has just as many buttons as mine does. Besides, the last time I did talk to her on the phone, she didn't have anything positive to say. We still exchange e-mails.

    We both agreed that we each needed to change things about ourselves. She refused to acknowledge any effort or progress on my part, and I didn't make the changes fast enough for her.

    It also got to the point where she was assuming everything I said was meant to hurt her.

    I always trusted her to not sleep with somebody else. I didn't trust her to be there for me. She left, everybody does eventually. It hurt, but I do not harbor any anger towards her.

    Sorry about the long preamble, but in answer to your question. He should not be harboring that type of anger. You sound like you still care about him. That's good, but don't let him influence your life like that. If you can still talk (I say talk, but you can use email or Text Msg, or Inst Msg instead) then do so, it might help him and you both. If not, then don't.

    You did mention that communication was an issue. If we are only getting part of the story here, then there may be reason for his anger. However, there is never a justification(That word still bothers me) for violence. If he hates you from a distance, let him. If he gets dangerous, talk to the police.
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Why do you care what he feels about you?

    You dumped him and started hanging out with a guy almost immediately after, and then started dating the new guy shortly after that.

    Yes it does sound like his communication skills were rather weak, but from your narrative, although you write well, it sounds to me like you never really fully engaged in the relationship. I'm sure he found that mystifying and very frustrating.

    And your narrative shows that you were in the power seat. You chose the manner and timing of the breakup, you rebuffed his attempts to reconcile, you refused to receive his gifts.

    Now, was he immature? Yes, it sure sounds like it.
    Were his attempts to win you back, kinda juvenile? Yes, that too.

    But give the guy a break. At least he tried, to the best of his ability. Can't fault him just because he's not a world-class lover.

    So why does it surprise you that he feels very bitter? He hung his balls out there, and toward the end, really made himself vulnerable to you. And now he feels very foolish and very rejected.

    And dating 4-6 weeks afterward...well, that's not a hell of a long time. Not short, but since it was with the guy you were 'hanging out with' previously, your ex doesn't really know the exact time and date of your first "date" with the new guy. He probably assumes the worst.

    Forget him. You know why he's bitter. Whether they deserve it or not, guys who get shit on, often are bitter. No surprise there.

    Anyways, I highly doubt he's going to do anything to physically harm you. He hasn't called you. Asking after you...big deal. Telling his friends he doesn't like you. Of course.

    Leave it be. It's done. He's going to hate you. It's partially misguided on his part, but oh well, the time for you to have done something about that is long since passed.
     
  11. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    Thanks for the replies - the insight is valuable.

    Yes - you're all right in that you're all getting only one side of the story. I've left out a lot of detail because it would make the thread unreadable, but I tried to give the general gist and what I thought was a more or less complete version of my side of the story.

    In defence of him, he was initially very upset about the thought of breaking up because he thought everything was going fine. However, there were very clear indicators showing otherwise. I'm talking about things like me crying myself to sleep in his presence while he is awake and him choosing to ignore it, us not talking for days at a time, me attempting to sit down and talk to him about the communication issues and him leaving the room. Despite these things, he still thought everything was fine - which to me is just a sign of how dire the situation was.

    Johan, you are right in that I didn't sound engaged in the relationship. By the time these events had transpired, I had tried for over a year to "fix" the relationship with the majority of the effort coming from me. I tried to change me to save it. Don't get me wrong - some good came of it, for sure - but changing me wasn't enough, and the changes that would have been necessary would have destroyed me as a person. At that point, my self-esteem was so low that I was on the verge of being suicidal. I was most certainly depressed.

    Eventually I got a new job (about 4 months before the breakup) where my self-confidence came back up in that I trusted myself to do something right. Instead of supporting me in what should have been a joyous occasion for both of us, since I was supporting both of us on a barely-above-min-wage job at the time, he chose to get even more bitter at the lack of his own job. (That is another story unto itself - he refused to work a min-wage job while looking for a "real" one, even though he had no savings and was living off me without discussion. Attempts for discussion were invariably rebuffed and put him in a sulk for hours if not days.) He resented the fact that being at work and having a "real" job made me happy. There is no doubt in my mind that part of me pulled further away emotionally from him and the relationship at that point, but he is the one who chose to get bitter, and nothing I said or did was able to change his view. I certainly wasn't going to quit the job just because he was jealous of it (and he never suggested or implied that I should, just to keep things straight).

    The reason I care is because unlike him I harbour no hate. We were at one point friends and lovers - I want to see him be happy in life because he has tried hard to get there. He got out of the party scene and out of a dead-end job to go back to school (we were both out of school for a year and a half before the breakup) so that he could get a job in the tech industry. While I would never get into a relationship with him again and it's doubtful we'll ever be friends, I still wish for him to accept happiness - to stop bottling hate for me and the other people/things he hates (there are a few) because it's not doing him any good.

    Even the act of me thinking about my replies is giving me insight into this - thanks! :)
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2005
  12. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    Some more supporting information:
    - I do not condone cheating and have never done it myself. I've always tried to make things work before ending a relationship and I don't make big decisions lightly, especially those that intimately affect other people.
    - We had stopped sleeping together and having sexual relations about 7 months prior to me ending the relationship. I started sleeping on my futon in my computer room. This was months before I got my new job and met this other guy, by the way. I can see why this might have made him think I was cheating on him. The reason I chose to do this was because having sex with him made me loathe myself - I don't really understand why, but it must have had something to do with my dissatisfaction in the relationship since I've never felt that way about sex either before or since.
    - During the relationship we had a catastrophic event - our house burnt down while we and our room-mates were home. In the following weeks he found and read my diary in which I'd written my misgivings about the relationship and stated my "wait-and-see-if-things-change" attitude. To this end I think he kept waiting for me to dump him and kept grasping at straws for clues as to my behaviour, and so in a sense the end of the relationship became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm in no way perfect or blameless for these events and I'm sure I failed to communicate on at least a few levels, no matter whether I thought it was clear or not.
     
  13. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2003
    Messages:
    5,744
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    I doubt you can be friends with him anymore. My advice is don't try communicate with him anymore in any form (email/phone/txt).
     
  14. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    I haven't for well over a year now - and I only blocked communication at that point because he was incapable of having a conversation without verbally jabbing me. As far as I know from his friends and family, he still takes no responsibility for his actions.

    My main interest is trying to understand his stance to better equip me for confrontations in the future rather than a reconciliation. I want to better understand what is going on inside his head so that I can defuse a potentially explosive situation if I need to.
     
  15. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2003
    Messages:
    7,347
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area
    Johan explained it already whats goin on in his head.

    Basically it seems like he wasn't even given a chance to prove to you that he changed for the better. The way he may look at it, is that the time you had together was important, and he didn't want to give up on it that easily, that he was willing the change for you, yet you didn't even give him the chance past that breakup.

    Trust issues? He had trust issues with your male friends? Maybe he did have a right to since you DID end up with one shortly after... hmmm... From his perspective, and your lack of communication on what happened, I would think that you were cheating with me as well. Lets flip the situation... letsay you were both in the relationship... and he started talking to female friends. You may or may not be mad at that (depending), but letsay HE broke up with you, broke your heart, and shortly after hooked up with one of the girls he was talking to? Honestly... what would be the first thing that you would assume? We all know assumption always leads to bad things, but given the nature of this situation... its hard not to.

    Based on his actions (from what you say), it seems like he hasn't really matured much past it, but either way the chance was never given for him to change. You closed your heart to him probably during the last 6 months to a year with him and slowly opened it to other possibilities.
     
  16. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I think you made the right choise, his bitterniss to forgive you is his own state of hell, my advice is not to return to that hell. I would send him a letter saying that it's never good to think relationships will work out just because you are expecting it to work out since it concerns your own situation. That you feel that he didn't invest time enough in you to get to know who you are. And that although you know that he still hates you, that you hope he will continue to move on with his life, and find enough reconsilation to forgive you and to find a new path in his life which will forfill and bring him the happyness and oppertunity that the two of you lacked in giving eachother at the time being. And that he needs to bring his feelings of not trusting you to rest, as wether it was true or not mutual trust is needed in any relationship,and that you hope he will find a person in his life that he can give his trust too and mutualy wise is given back,but that the lack of it has caused you unhappynes and the two of you to split up and that he could hate you forever for that, but that its better to bury the war-axe ,forgive and forget and that you care enough for him to encourage him to move on with his life.
     
  17. AmCo

    AmCo Haters goin' Hate

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2003
    Messages:
    5,744
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Earth
    I don't think he should write him a letter at all. They have not talked/communicate to each other in awhile so why start now? When he is ready then he will try to talk to her but until then leave things the way they are right now.
     
  18. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I have a motivation for that. I care for him as wel for her, since she is the essence of his continueing hate , and him being in a state of hell, i want her to send him a letter so he may forgive her before he ends up in everlasting bitterness so both parties will end up better, clearly she feels asif its unfinished business and maby with this letter she can conclude and put a dot behind the whole situation. But yes you are right its tricky because you have to beware of ripping open old wounds.
     
  19. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2005
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm not here to judge who's right and who's wrong. But I think writing a letter now is a bad idea. Just leave it be and move on.

    Yes, from his position, there could have been justification for anger that may seem irrational after this long a period, yet it's understandable sometimes for the reasons others have already stated.

    But your opportunity for reasoning with him has long passed. Just let it be. Keep your distance although I don't think moving away is necessary. You knew this guy pretty intimately and so you should know if he's capable of a physical threat or not.
     

Share This Page