SRS A long tale of my break up

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Lokish, Sep 28, 2006.

  1. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    So, I am mostly a lurker on OT, however I figured I would type this out to get it off my chest. Don't ask me why I am laying this all out other then I guess I need to do it somewhere. So here it is. ***WARNING - Quite long***

    Four years ago, I was preparing to leave my city/province to move to Toronto to do On the Job Training (OJT) to finish up my college course as I had been accepted and it was a rare opportunity I couldn't pass up. My bf at that time was willing to move to Toronto with me even though he freely admitted he hated the city and wanted to remain back in our home province. While I cared about him, I decided to leave him as I didn't want to carry any responsibility for having someone move somewhere they didn't like. (Note: this was a great decision for us both in the end as he is now happily married to a woman who loves life back on the island and he is working where he wanted and we are still friends although we don't talk much).

    Fast forward 3 months, I moved to Toronto and start my OJT. Everything goes well and while I am working at this place. I am a bit of a gamer chick and one of the guys ends up getting me to play an MMORPG (DAoC if anyone is curious). End up finding out another friend in the city, "Harry", I know plays the same game so I switch over to his server and join up with him and his buds. Most of the people know each other IRL. I end up talking a lot to one guy who lives in Toronto, "Andy", and we end up meeting up one night to hang out (dinner and a movie). Everything goes well, however we don't hang out for another 3 months. When we hang out again though, we end up starting to date and it goes from there till about 3 weeks ago when I broke up with him.


    So, the three years I am dating "Andy", things are fine for the most part, although we definitely have our rough patches. There are core personality differences that are either overlooked, ironed over or changed enough so that both of us continue on, however on some level this bothers me.

    He is a homebody/introvert, mama & papa boy, still living at home at the age of 23 as of now (quite common in this city), not very open about things going on in his life and emotionally. He doesn't like going out to gatherings and always complains how he won't have a good time. Doesn't like to try new things, is a little prejudice and I am sure there is more that I see. Gets stressed out about stuff that I just can't wrap my brain around getting stressed about.

    People tell me that I am a little hyper, I love to hang out with friends and go out and do/experience things as much as I can, love trying new things and meeting new people. I used to drink till I started having almost allergic reactions to drinking and then I ended up becoming a pothead for a few years. Moved to the city and gave up the pot, however was going to start drinking a little socially, but got disapproving talks from "Andy" and told how he would be mad at me so I never bothered drinking.

    For the first 5 months, I never met any of his friends or his family as he would never make any attempt to do anything that would allow me to meet them. His friends threw a few parties and he would go saying he would have a crappy time, but never think to invite me so I used to get ticked. Not that he was going to hang with his friends, rather he just didn't think to ask anyone if he could take me along. Kind of gave me the idea of him having two separate parts of his life. To put some perspective on this, he used to go out for coffee with one of his female friends and I was totally cool about it. Do whatever, I got male friends that I chill with on a regular basis too and when my limited number of friends in the city would throw a party, I would invite him to come along and he would. A good time would be had by all, so I was upset that he didn't bother inviting me along to meet and chill with his friends. I met his parents for the first time on Christmas day as he never thought to invite me over for a meal before then and I don't have family here and they were nice to not make me spend Christmas alone.

    Moving along, about 1.5 years into everything, I was severely stressed out with financial stuff and my temper was at an all time high. I was unhappy with work and a few bills came up that I didn't realize were due. Anyhow, I ended up snapping at him a lot, realized it and kept apologizing, but kept doing it until one day it went too far and I was way out of line and he got super pissed at me. We didn't really talk much for the next 3 days and then I forced him to talk to me as he had told me he was thinking of breaking up with me and I am the type of person who just wants to work through things and figure out where to go from there...not stew over it forever. So we talked and ended up staying together, though I was given an ultimatum, drop the attitude or else. I loved him enough to make a concious effort to get my temper under control. My temper is usually pretty cool anyhow so it was matter of mastering my stresses.

    Now at this point in time, we had started taking Aikido classes as well and he was unhappy in the classes, but I loved them. I found the classes a relief from my stresses, except when he would go on about how much hated them but would keep going cause I was going. And his work schedule only allowed him to go every other week, so I would go the other week alone and get guilt tripped about how he wished he could go, but had to work and how he sucked and on and on. Needless to say, that sucked the fun out of the solo classes for me. So being the problem solver I am, I talked to the people in my dojo and got him setup with some afternoon classes working around his schedule. Alas, the complaining started up again and his mom told me a few times how he was miserable and we should quit the classes, so I finally put it to him that we should quit the classes as he was not having fun and I didn't like being guilted about going when he was working. So fine we quit.

    Then I moved out to his area of the city, which is further away from my friends and ended up not seeing them so much. I did this in an effort to making seeing him a little easier as he hated travelling 45 mins to come and see me but still made the trip. So that was alright to some extent. Ended up with a horrible upstairs neighbour who drove me out in about 2 months, but a friend had a friend renting a basement apartment, so I rented it. I am still living there and it is working out great. "Andy" complains about how dumb they are upstairs, I just think they are cute. So time marches on.

    Over the last year of our relationship, I tried to engage "Andy" into talking with me about moving in together, however he would get upset about talking about anything remotely personal, so I would either drop it or we would have a fight about it. At some point, he ends up agreeing we should move in together, so for a short time I am happy as I think he wants to do this. But that would be foolish given he has it made at home. His mom makes his bed, does his laundry, cooks the meals, gives him a wake up call in the morning and so on. So one night. a few months ago. his mom asks at dinner, "So when are you moving out, "Andy"?" and his reply is "When (the gf) makes me." He thought it was funny, however this does not sit quite so well with my funny bone given his reluctance to talk or make plans for the move that was supposed to happen this coming January. It gets me thinking and reevaluating things.

    I take a vacation back to my island and chill with family and friends I haven't seen in two years. One week before I take the trip though, I don't end up spending much time with "Andy" as I am getting ready for my vacation and he is getting ready for a trip as well. During that time, I am going over my relationship and seeking the ears of a couple of my friends. We all agree they only get to see my side of the story, however, my friends say they can see I am not happy and not being myself and I agree. Another conversation that sticks out is one I had with my aunt i haven't seen in 15 years. She heard nice things from my meme and pepe about "Andy" and asked me what he was like and I told her how he is a mama and papa's boy but is a great guy. She kind of gives me a look and say "that doesn't sound like the type of person you should be with" but says that if meme and pepe like him that he must be a great guy. Just strikes me as odd that a lot of people I know say the same thing.

    So I come back to Toronto and start actively making plans to hang out with my friends that I had been neglecting. Another conversation ensues where I begin to realize that I am feeling trapped and overall don't feel so happy with the relationship. I also told "Andy" that he needed to think about where things were going. He is 3 years my junior (I am 27) and I realize that he is rather young, however I feel that if he doesn't have a clue where he might want things to go then perhaps I should be rethinking things too. He keeps just wanting to hang out like nothing is wrong and when he does see me, he gets super cuddly which he is not normally to the point where it feels almost clingy. It makes me go into "touch me not" mode and I start to distance myself a bit.

    This goes on for about 2 weeks and then I am talking to one of my friends online and during the span of this conversations it hits me. I love this guy and care about him...however I no longer felt in love with him. On top of that, the reason why I was having so much trouble trying to figure out if I was going to break things off was because I didn't want to hurt him. The people I had been talking to about the whole thing keep telling me that i have to look out for me, which breaks me up inside cause "Andy" is a great guy and I hate hurting people. But it finally hits me and sinks home, I decided that the best thing was for me to go my own and let him go his. I hope we can eventually be friends, however I think it will take a long long time before we could ever get to that point. Doesn't happen overnight when you are emotionally involved with someone for lengthy period of time.

    Just to clarify some things, we didn't cheat on each other and we were not horridly abusive to each other either. 80% fo the time we got along perfectly well, however I noted that our relationship in the past few months felt more like close friends hanging out, that would cuddle a lot. We didn't have sex for the last 1.5 months of the relationship either. Which sucks.



    I am not sure why I bothered to write this all out...just wanted to get it out there....there is so much more to this then the massive bit I have written out. There always is more.
     
  2. durondude

    durondude OT Addict

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    Sounds like you did the right thing. It's better not to lie especially to your own heart. I always like to say, we will never appreciate happiness until we've known sadness. We all learn from our heart aches and mistakes. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship did not work out the way you both would have wanted. It'll be hard but hang in there.
     
  3. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    Duron, thank you for your kind words.

    I was torn up the first two days, wondering if I had made the wrong decision. Saturday will be 3 weeks since I broke up with him and I have to say I feel great. My friends have been so super supportive and caring, however, I am feeling good. I am keeping myself busy and getting back into doing some things that I enjoy. I know it must sound strange that I could be with someone for so long and care for them so much and yet feel somehow relieved and happier for my current position.

    My friends keep asking me if I am alright and I love them for it, but I am enjoying being single right now and just having freedom to do what I want.

    Now this sounds silly, but this weekend I am going out to buy wines glasses and my first bottle of wine in over 3 years. A friend of mine is helping me pick out the wine, she knows way more about wine then I do. Since he was against drinking I never even bothered to really try and see if wine still bothers me or not. We shall see.
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You made the right decision. You should be at peace with your choices.

    In fact, I think you stayed with him overlong, but that was necessary to be REALLY sure that it was well and truly DONE. And it is.
     
  5. SxyLambdaLady6

    SxyLambdaLady6 New Member

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    congrats girl, it must have been hard to end a relationship but you did do the right thing. if in your heart you truly felt it wasnt right then it wasnt. everything happens for a reason and you definitely followed your gut feeling and now you are finally going to be happy. i think the reason why you are not feeling bad about the breakup was because the relationship was already done and over way before the breakup. you knew that you didnt want to be with him anymore so it was just a matter of you facing what you felt and actually doing it. hope everything goes well with you :wiggle:
     
  6. OhFourTwoThree

    OhFourTwoThree New Member

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    I have been in a similar situation. It's hard to break up with someone who isn't horrible, abusive, cheating, especially if you guys have been together for a long time and you genuinely care for each other. But when the relationship isn't going anywhere, you guys have grown apart, and you're together mainly due to convenience, it's time to let go unless you both are committed to improving the relationship. You're only wasting your time and his by staying together. You need to find someone who has the same interests as you do...and definitely someone who is more mature.
     
  7. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    I am at peace with my decision as I made sure I was doing it for the right reasons.

    In the past few months, while I was re-evaluating the relationship, I began to wonder if d "Andy" and I would have split up in the spring of '05 had not my mother nearly died. We were very much on the verge of splitting up and had just started to try to work things out when my brother told me that my mom was in ICU with a bleed in her brain. It hit me like a ton of bricks and "Andy" helped me through that time. Life does have a way of complicating things at times.


    You hit on the part that gave me some pause to think for the longest time. It is hard to end it with someone who has done what they can to make life easier for you, that you care about and wish you could see yourself together with. At one point, I had thought that perhaps he would be "the one" and ignored or over looked some things in favour of it. In most recent months, I have felt that time was slipping away and that perhaps we would be best to move on. My only real hope now, is that we can remain friends, but like I said in an earlier post...that is something for a ways down the road.

    Thank you for your understanding, everyone.
     
  8. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    Drinking wine right at this moment and it is rather nice. Glad I have friends that are experienced with wines.

    Last night, I went out to check out a buddy of mine's band. They were good and I had a few drinks...and for once...my stomach didn't rebel and I was able to have a nice glow going on all night. Not drunk, just a nice buzz on.

    Cheers
     

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