MMA A legendary story about how an old BJJ buddy lost his virginity **long, worth it**

Discussion in 'OT Bar' started by chechen, Feb 21, 2008.

  1. chechen

    chechen Brazilian Jiu Jitsu OT Supporter

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    I only met this guy once through a sherdog grappling meet. He's a big stoner type guy, and lived in humboldt for most of his life.. he's an e-friend more than anything. A few years ago he shared this with me and I always thought it was hilarious. It's definitely worth a read.

    Ach ass and rat = my friend.




    Ach ass and rat: You're an mma guy, you'll appreciate this fucking story.
    Syracuse MMA: do tell
    Ach ass and rat: That thread I posted, about fucking messicans?
    Ach ass and rat: Here's the tale.
    Ach ass and rat: I was completely fucking demolished at this kegger, 6 cups, a wine bottle full of beer and like 4 bottles of high grade, and I'm a complete lightweight.
    Syracuse MMA: haha nice start
    Ach ass and rat: Can't walk in a straight line or speak coherantly (although I thought I could do both)
    Ach ass and rat: So I'm in the kitchen looking for MORE beer, because you know, alchoholic and all.
    Ach ass and rat: My beer goggles were locked firmly in the ON position.
    Ach ass and rat: Which is lucky because this ugly messican bitch fucking sexually assaulted me in the kitchen.
    Syracuse MMA: hahahhaa
    Ach ass and rat: So after a bit of the nasty with her on the fucking counter, it's time out.
    Ach ass and rat: And I go outside.
    Syracuse MMA: mexic0wned
    Ach ass and rat: And say to this dude "Man I think I just got molested."
    Ach ass and rat: And he looks at the bitch and says "Dude... Join the club."
    Syracuse MMA: buahahha
    Ach ass and rat: That should have been my cue to exit stage the fuck out of there.
    Ach ass and rat: I plead inebriation.
    Syracuse MMA: did you get $mux-ed?
    Ach ass and rat: Because I ended up following her back towards her room.
    Ach ass and rat: This was last night, so who knows.
    Ach ass and rat: I'm gonna be optimistic and so NO.
    Syracuse MMA: wait, so did you sleep w/ her?
    Ach ass and rat: We got intercepted by her roomie, so they go to have a fucking secret woman counsel, since bitches can't make up their own minds about anything.
    Ach ass and rat: Dude, this story gets so fucking whack it's unbelievable.
    Ach ass and rat: It's 100% true though.
    Syracuse MMA: mmk
    Ach ass and rat: So while they're talking about how hot I am etc, I'm starting to get second thoughts.
    Ach ass and rat: So I start asking random people
    Ach ass and rat: "Is there something I should know??"
    Ach ass and rat: Obviously they just wtf me,.
    Ach ass and rat: So the roomie comes out, and I grab her and ask loudly "IS THERE ANYTHING I SHOULD KNOW??!"
    Ach ass and rat: lol
    Ach ass and rat: I thought I was being super smooth.
    Ach ass and rat: So she laughs and says no, which is good enough for my drunk ass.
    Syracuse MMA: *shakes head*
    Ach ass and rat: So I stroll through the gates of hell.
    Ach ass and rat: And realize, I've left my goddamn condoms at home.
    Syracuse MMA: pwned
    Ach ass and rat: Now I wasn't THAT drunk, so I said "You got any condoms?"
    Ach ass and rat: And she goes "We gonna use 'em?" and I replied "We just might."
    Ach ass and rat: So she busts out a fucking CASE.
    Ach ass and rat: Sign #2 that I need to go out the window.
    Syracuse MMA: BUAHAHHA
    Ach ass and rat: But noooo
    Ach ass and rat: So after about half an hour of struggling with whiskey dick, too small of condoms and her general unnactriveness we finally get everything sorted and placed in the proper positions.
    Ach ass and rat: In this case, missionary.
    Ach ass and rat: So after two or three bumps she does the fucking unthinkable.
    Ach ass and rat: She fucking leans up and slaps the shit out of me!
    Ach ass and rat: She hit me so goddamn hard I saw stars.
    Ach ass and rat: WHACK
    Syracuse MMA: WHAT?
    Ach ass and rat: Yeah
    Ach ass and rat: Out of nowhere.
    Ach ass and rat: Luckily for me, my valetudo training kicked it instantly.
    Syracuse MMA: Tell me you accidently jammed her asshoel by accident
    Ach ass and rat: So even though I could barely walk I fucking leaned back and dodged the second slap.
    Ach ass and rat: No she was just a psycho
    Syracuse MMA: wow
    Syracuse MMA: did you throw fedor-style bombs from the guard?
    Ach ass and rat: Then I covered with my elbow and ducked into the third.
    Ach ass and rat: Nah dude I'm more of a minotauro.
    Ach ass and rat: I fucking passed her guard to side control.
    Syracuse MMA: gotcha, so you heel hooked her?
    Ach ass and rat: Then in side control, I grabbed her far nipple and distracted her with a titty twister.
    Ach ass and rat: While I hauled her over and took the back.
    Ach ass and rat: So now I've got my hooks in, we're facing up and I've got one hand controlling her tit and the other around her neck.
    Ach ass and rat: And now my drunk ass started talking shit.
    Ach ass and rat: Haha
    Ach ass and rat: I said
    Syracuse MMA: wiat, youre not making this up?
    Ach ass and rat: Not
    Ach ass and rat: One
    Ach ass and rat: Bit.
    Ach ass and rat: Swear it.
    Ach ass and rat: I wouldn't believe it either, but it's 100% true.
    Syracuse MMA: you actually side mounted, rear mounted and threw in an RNC?
    Ach ass and rat: I didn't choke her.
    Ach ass and rat: It was just a control.
    Ach ass and rat: But dude she almost ktfo'd me.
    Ach ass and rat: I was acting on instinct.
    Syracuse MMA: so what happened?
    Ach ass and rat: So I've got her back and I say in her ear.
    Ach ass and rat: "Listen woman. I used to do this for a living. If you try to fight me I will destroy you every time."
    Ach ass and rat: So when she heard that she fucking wigged hardcore.
    Ach ass and rat: Thrashed like mad, and bit the shit out of my bicep.
    Ach ass and rat: I have this huge mark on my arm and today my bicep feels like it's been hit with a baseball bat.
    Ach ass and rat: So I said Augh! and threw her away from me.
    Ach ass and rat: So get this
    Ach ass and rat: The bitch turns around
    Ach ass and rat: And says "Are you gonna fuck me?"
    Syracuse MMA: WOW
    Ach ass and rat: Yeah
    Ach ass and rat: So I said
    Ach ass and rat: "Hell yeah I'm gonna fuck you. But not without a goddamn condom, so go find one."
    Ach ass and rat: I had lost the original during the battle.
    Ach ass and rat: So she goes back to the case and busts out another.
    Syracuse MMA: omg
    Syracuse MMA: this is ridiculous
    Ach ass and rat: Fast forward through another epic struggle with my dick and her vagina.
    Ach ass and rat: Finally we're back where we started.
    Ach ass and rat: It gets worse man.
    Syracuse MMA: how the hell does this get worse?
    Ach ass and rat: Again, I'm just getting into rythym and she fucking goes to slap me again!!
    Ach ass and rat: But I spotted it this time, and dodged back.
    Ach ass and rat: However, she had anticipated that this time!
    Syracuse MMA: what in the blue hell?
    Ach ass and rat: And she tried to fucking upkick me in the face.
    Ach ass and rat: No joke.
    Ach ass and rat: She hit me in the chest though, luckily.
    Ach ass and rat: But it looked like she was gonna keep kicking, so without thinking I grabbed her leg and put her in a fucking ankle lock.
    Ach ass and rat: A good one too, with my other foot on her thigh and the figure four grip.
    Ach ass and rat: And I cranked the shit out of it.
    Syracuse MMA: this cant be true story
    Ach ass and rat: So she squawked big time, and I let go. I'm not here to hurt her after all.
    Syracuse MMA: no way something this fucked up went on
    Ach ass and rat: I fucking swear to god dude.
    Ach ass and rat: I'll show you a picture of my wounds.
    Syracuse MMA: haha please do
    Ach ass and rat: So when I let go she kind of cowared back, and I tried to reassure her.
    Ach ass and rat: "I'm not going to hurt you. I never will. But you need to chill the fuck out."
    Ach ass and rat: And un fucking believably, she says it AGAIN
    Ach ass and rat: Are you gonna fuck me?
    Syracuse MMA: how the hell did you not ask her why she was slapping you?
    Ach ass and rat: I have no idea dude. I was so fucking drunk.
    Ach ass and rat: All I could do was react to the situation.
    Syracuse MMA: ok so what happened then?
    Ach ass and rat: Well my dick was completely not into this shit anymore.
    Ach ass and rat: There's no better way to lose a boner than to start fighting.
    Ach ass and rat: So I laid down the law.
    Ach ass and rat: I said
    Ach ass and rat: "You have two options. Do you want to hear your two options?"
    Ach ass and rat: "Yes"
    Ach ass and rat: "Option one: You give me a decent goddamn blow job so that I will have enough of an erection to put a condom on and fuck the shit out of you."
    Syracuse MMA: haha
    Ach ass and rat: "Option two: I get up and leave right now."
    Ach ass and rat: So she makes a noncommital noise.
    Ach ass and rat: And I get in her face
    Ach ass and rat: "what's it gonna be?"
    Ach ass and rat: ".....Blowjob."
    Syracuse MMA: this is fucking unreal
    Ach ass and rat: I know.
    Ach ass and rat: I have no idea why I wanted that bitches teeth anywhere near my dick.
    Ach ass and rat: But obviously I wasn't doing a lot of great thinking by that point.
    Ach ass and rat: So she starts to fucking suck my dick.
    Syracuse MMA: Obviously
    Ach ass and rat: But she puts the tooth to it.
    Ach ass and rat: So I grabbed her by the hair and said
    Ach ass and rat: "HEY! Woman! No teeth."
    Ach ass and rat: Anyway, she completely half assed the fucking blowjob.
    Ach ass and rat: So I finally said fuck it and groped around for my pants and shoes (couldn't find socks or boxers) and got the fuck out of there.
    Syracuse MMA: wow...just wow
    Ach ass and rat: Stopping only to steal more beer from the fridge on my way out.
    Syracuse MMA: Good man
    Syracuse MMA: Oh man, I should post this coversation
    Ach ass and rat: Yeah.
    Syracuse MMA: Can I?
    Ach ass and rat: I don't blame you if you don't believe me.
    Ach ass and rat: Sure.
    Syracuse MMA: Sweet
    Syracuse MMA: Thanks
     
  2. chechen

    chechen Brazilian Jiu Jitsu OT Supporter

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  3. GuiltySparc

    GuiltySparc OT Supporter

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    :lol:
     
  4. HandgunFantasy

    HandgunFantasy My purity you stole.

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    his dad probably molested him and he made up that whole story as a cover up :dunno:
     
  5. chechen

    chechen Brazilian Jiu Jitsu OT Supporter

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    stop with the one word responses or kindly exit my thread. :mad: :squint:
     
  6. Sylva

    Sylva New Member

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    lawl.

    Everyone needs a crazy loss of virginity story to make the day better.
     
  7. acidix

    acidix Ua mau, ke ea o ka `aina, i ka pono

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    I can smile when its raining.
    Who cares if its a lie... it made me laugh
     
  8. Rob H

    Rob H New Member

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  9. chechen

    chechen Brazilian Jiu Jitsu OT Supporter

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    i met this guy, and i believe the story. hes REALLY freaking weird.
     
  10. checkii

    checkii ฝรั่งตาน้ำข้าว

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    The night i lost mine I had a choice between two girls that were best friends and both were painfully honest about their intentions. Since i was dumb and didnt push the threesome I went home with the one I thought was least ugly.

    The next day I find out she humped my friend the prior night.

    I chose wrong.
     
  11. Optamix

    Optamix New Member

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  12. chechen

    chechen Brazilian Jiu Jitsu OT Supporter

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    did you read what i said :ugh:
     
  13. Optamix

    Optamix New Member

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    :h5:
     
  14. Optamix

    Optamix New Member

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    \

    wat?
     
  15. f-g

    f-g OT Supporter

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    can't believe I just read that
     
  16. LOLSTi

    LOLSTi DTOM

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    .

    I was actually thinking about something like this today during class. :rofl:
     
  17. TQ

    TQ OT Supporter

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    What in the hell? :rofl:
     
  18. jag6984

    jag6984 New Member

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    That was gold. :rofl:
     
  19. kilian

    kilian You've got quite a treasure there in that Horadric OT Supporter

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    oh shit :bowrofl:
    figure four grip ankle lock :bowdown:
     
  20. chechen

    chechen Brazilian Jiu Jitsu OT Supporter

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    fag
     
  21. VulgarTheClown

    VulgarTheClown A child and a gun.....go together like apple pie a

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    awesome story.

    I wish my virginity losing was like that.
     
  22. DKKD

    DKKD New Member

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    your friend sounds like a champion...one of those guys you have a good time with when you go out...like barney yea barney
     
  23. sickson

    sickson Guest

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