A few words from Dave Tate

Discussion in 'Fitness & Nutrition' started by bigdamray, Jun 1, 2007.

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  1. bigdamray

    bigdamray New Member

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    Hostess

    First off we need to get this straight. Little Debbie is NOT hostess. Two things wrong with this. First off LD's are know as snack slummin or pure ghetto snacks. Just not cool. Also, ANYTHING that has the name "little" attached to it can't get good for the Yoke.

    Intermission: I was reading a "magazine" the other day and they mentioned something about building a "Yoke". DAMIT! This pisses me off. The whole "Yoke" thing started because a bunch of pin heads decided to take "Jacked" and make it mainstream. "Jacked" used to mean something. Now it has been reduced to a tiny vein in your bicep and a 18 inch waist.




    FINE!

    They can have the "Jacked" and use it all they want.

    "Yoked" started to rebel the whole "Jacked" thing that was going down hill. Now I am seeing "Yoked" heading the same direction. Maybe the pin heads should actually try being the name before they use it. No worries, the underground will come up with another term. Maybe "Cocked" "Stiffed" or just plain "Hard On".

    So I dedicate this post to all the pin heads who ran "Jacked" out. You know they need help gaining weight and I am 100% sure they did not know there was a huge difference between the Debbie's ( can't even write the "L" word anymore ) and Hostess.


    I am going to go on a limb here and doing something unheard of. I am going to GIVE a weekly program for FREE.
    I feel I have to to save the term Yoked. You see if I help the tinny necks get bigger maybe they will keep the term sacred. I apologize to all you who already know all this. It is rehashing old stuff over and over but it needs to be written again.

    Here is the weekly schedual for those looking for Yoke.

    Monday
    Twinkie Day- This is the best for starting the week off. Most of us all started with these golden delights. Hell, they have been around since the 30's. You have to respect the most famous blow job man in history stuck one in a time capsule. If you have the time a quick deep fry job will add a few hundred calories to these thus making it a better choice for the yoke. The only problem with twinkies is everyone else is doing it so it can't work that well. I have read there are 500 million sold each year. I know there are not that many Yoked people. Still a great choice for starting the week off. As the week progresses so will loading and intensity.
    Recommended loading - 2 boxes per day

    Tuesday
    Mini Muffin Day - This one is the next step up. While they have not been around long they are a great pre-breakfast snack. Nothing better then kicking back with a box of these and a large 64ox coffee as you drive to the Waffle House for breakfast. Granted the name Mini is not a good thing at all. This is why you have to ram these down one box at a time. No way around this one, it has to be done that way or you will stay unyoked for a very long time.
    Recommended loading - 1 Box on the way to breakfast
    *Because of the name MINI this has to be done on a non training day. Might be a good idea to avoid sex on this day as well.

    Wednesday
    This is hump day so you have to go with Ding Dongs. It has been suggested to...
    Nibble them slowly, like a king or queen, and savor the creamy goodness of every morsel, or bite right into that creamy center and get a mouthful of chocolate goodness.
    This is bull crap. You gotta pound these down! Anymore than two bits per dong and you are loosing ground. You know what I mean. Screw royalty - this is about getting yoked.
    Recommended Loading - This is a high day so 3 boxes is in the cards. One Box after breakfast, One After Lunch and One before bed.

    Thursday
    Because Wednesday is a pretty harsh loading day we need to fast some on this day and keep it clean. Fruit Pies will do the trick. Nothing better then fruit to help cleanse the system. The trick on this day is to use the 2x2 rule. This means 2 pies every two hours. To keep your system guessing ( and growing ) you want to shock it with different flavors each time. Here is a sample day ( your normal meals are not included. You will still eat them).

    2 pies each feeding

    8:00am - Apple
    10:00am - Cherry
    12:00pm - Pineapple
    2:00pm- Lemon
    4:00pm - Blackberry
    6:00pm - Strawberry
    8:00pm - French Apple
    10:00pm - Apple
    12:00pm - Cherry
    2:00am - Strawberry
    4:00am - Pineapple
    6:00am - Cherry

    Yes, you will need to wake up in the night and eat. Nobody ever said getting Yoked would be easy. Sometimes you just need to man up and do what you gotta go.

    Friday
    This is date night so the choice is simple....
    Suzy Q's - If you turn it side ways..... okay, I should not go there. But you can practice your A-B-C's and zig zag technique if you like. Can you believe the pervert who invented these did so over 40 years ago. You gotta give him credit for having the balls to call it a Suzy Q. This alone makes it the best choice for friday nights. Think what you want but when training for the YOKE most Friday nights will be spent home alone because for most the next day is squat day. Your loading will largely depend on your refractory period. The best protocol to use involves little foreplay. Just get in and out as fast as you can. No kissing, licking or sweat talk. Open the box and just start cramming them in. No need to wait for your hunger to harden up. The longer you wait the less chance you will have of making it to the end.
    Recommended Loading - This is usually the night before a heavy training session so a huge bloat is necessary. This loading is totally dependent on how much you can handle. Just keep loading until you feel like you will pop. You will then use 1 rest pause set. rest for 36.4 minutes and try to kick back 50% ofg the first set.

    Saturday
    Ho Ho's - This is not about Santa but he is a hell of a squatter. The best choice for Saturdays are Ho Ho's. The reason is due to your CNS will be shot from the heavy training session making it very hard to eat. The tubular shape makes these very easy to eat even when you feel like you were beaten with a sledge hammer.
    Recommended Loading - 4 boxes. One on your way to the gym for that last pick me up. One right after training to take advantage of post workout Ho Ho window. To make things easy it would be a good idea to have the last two boxes in the freezer ready to go before hand. Nothing better than watching the game with a couple dozen frozen Ho Ho's.


    Sunday
    Donettes - Now these are the best of the best. They are so small they really don't even count. It has been suggested to keep an open box next to the couch, in the bathroom, kitchen and on the back of the toilet. A good rule of thumb would be to place a box where ever you will visit more than twice through the day. TIP: In case you were wondering they will float and are just as good wet as dry. Just make sure if you do drop one in the can it is not after #2. If this is the case make sure to grab the one with the hole in the center.
    Recommended Loading - use the instinctive training principle on this one. This is a day of rest.

    There you go, the 7 day plan to getting Yoked.
     
  2. michael

    michael FLORIDA > *

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    get out of F&N dude, srsly.
     
  3. evolude

    evolude OT Supporter

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    McD apple pies > *
     
  4. timberwolf

    timberwolf New Member

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  5. bigdamray

    bigdamray New Member

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    That's fucking awsome Timber!!
     
  6. evolude

    evolude OT Supporter

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    Captain's empanadas in Cayman > Taco bell apple empanadas

    but i gotta try the Taco bell one since u say it's good
     
  7. timberwolf

    timberwolf New Member

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    :big grin:

    The Hulk one when he uses it for energy after getting beaten up would be more appropriate but can't find it.
     
  8. JeremyD

    JeremyD New Member

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    If dave tate ran for president, I'd probably vote for him:o
     
  9. TZ

    TZ Banned

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    lol, I read that. I like where he bitches about being "jacked" :mamoru:
     
  10. darkostoj

    darkostoj NEEEERRRRDDDDSSSS

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    :rofl:
     
  11. cavefish

    cavefish You ain't a crook son, you just a shook one

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    Those taco bell caramel apple pies are fucking incredible.
     
  12. Professional

    Professional Guest

    :bowrofl: im gonna start saying yoked and "cocked", "stiffed", "hard on"
     
  13. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Man, I have not had one of those fruit pie things since elementary school. My mom used to give me one everyday (probably while I was fat in elementary school).

    I miss that shit.
     
  14. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    you: holy shit!!! that guy is hard on!!!
    friend: uhhh, what?
    you: he's big!!!
    friend: :ugh:
     
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