SRS A few issues with the lady

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by ak1ra07, Mar 31, 2006.

  1. ak1ra07

    ak1ra07 New Member

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    Im kind of reluctant to post in here because of the advice I might get, but I'm not sure what to do. Ive been seeing this girl for a few months now, and everything has been going great up until about a month an a half ago, when we stopped having sex, but it wasnt just that, we've pretty much stopped all physical intimacy save hand holding and kissing, on account that she isnt in the mood.

    I dont know how long it takes for girls to get in the mood again, I can only assume Ive dated nymphos in the past. As the weeks went on I tried to convince myself that the timing just wasnt right a few times, she had been working late or whatever, but one night I was sure something would happen, she was out of work early, didnt have to be in the next day, we went out to eat, saw a movie, had a few drinks, got back home and as soon as I try to do anything she stops me and says ' Im sorry, Im not trying to withhold sex from you' so that was pretty much a buzzkill there. I got kinda upset, gathered my thoughts and tried to talk to her about it about a month ago, that I was worried that she wasnt attracted to me anymore. She didnt really take it seriously and chalked it up to having sex too soon in the relationship (she was my first) and hinted that their might be something physically wrong with her. I thought, ok fine, Ill wait this out a bit longer, as long as things are going fine during the daytime, we still get along and shes happy, then I'll have to deal for now.. but I told her I felt bad trying to initiate things with her and her always rejecting me, so when the time was right, she needed to come to me.

    Well just about another month has passed now, and still nothing. Im starting to get upset and irritated more easily and just feeling all around unimportant. I started looking up stuff on the internet about decreased libido and most of the signs point to stress or lack of sleep, that kind of thing, which she is definitely a cantidate for, she hates her roommates, she goes to school, and works her ass off ridiculous hours at her job where she gets little respect from coworkers and customers, and has some extra curricular responsibilites she cant/wont give up. So I dont know what to do, I tried telling her shes burning herself out, but I dont know how do it without coming across as a selfish like 'we dont have sex enough, stop doing these things you enjoy/have to do' I dunno what to do, i think its too soon for ultimatiums, I really like her when shes got time for me, things are just aggrivating now. Sorry this is so long.
     
  2. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    IDK. If I was going out with someone and was into them, I'd want them into me in more ways then one.
    Isn't in the mood? HA! Even an "I'm not int he mood for making love, but I will cuddle/neck/play with you, etc." is better than nothing, which she obviously appears to be doing.
    Personally, I do not think it has anything to do with sleep.
     
  3. EmiB

    EmiB New Member

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    Perhpas there is nothing wrong at all, shes just being more rational now than she was before. Perhaps she is thinking of her future and doesnt want a baby or drama to ruin it. Im sure if she wasnt into you she would let u know. Just let her be, and if u cant handle the situation just move on, and dont pressure her to do anything she doesnt want cuz that wont be fun for her or you.
     
  4. ak1ra07

    ak1ra07 New Member

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    Its not so much that I miss the sex, well i do, :p but its that I miss the affection that comes with it, you cant tell me that if you were putting yourself out there for close to 2 months with no bites that you wouldnt be worried or feel rejected.. I dunno, maybe I am just being irrational, but Im young damnit, Im allowed. And yea, I definitely dont want her to do it just because I brought it up, I want her to want to do it.
     
  5. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    :bowdown: Couldn't of said it better myself. I understand and can relate.
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    so what happened a month ago? Some significant event in her life (not necessarily connected/related to you)

    the sudden cessation of physical intimacy should never be regarded as "oh, it's nothing, forget it".
    If your car suddenly sputtered and died, would you simply forget that too?

    Handholding and kissing are fine, nothing wrong with that, but in your given context, I'd guess those acts are emotionless and flat too. Aren't they?
     
  7. ak1ra07

    ak1ra07 New Member

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    Last time was Valentines day, I hate to think she felt obligated. Theres nothing specifically I can think of that would have triggered this, apparently its always been this way, last night she told me 'two months is nothing' which was somewhat disheartening.. I hate bringing it up with her because I can tell it just gets her more stressed out.. but it definitely needs to be adressed, because yea, I dont think this is normal or should be shrugged off as unimportant. Theres no female version of Viagra yet is there?
     
  8. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Here is an article my boy Poco posted at www.friendzoned.com

    Help! My GF won't have sex with me any more. She says she's too tired, etc.

    This is a very common issue, which I see a lot. You're probably forgetting the #1 rule of maintaining a relationship - you can't be boring. The #2 rule is that you can't be too serious either.

    Why do I say that? If you've been with her for a year and this is all she has to look forward to, I would *bet* that she is thinking about dumping you at this point. The lack of sex is a red flag for any relationship, and should not be ignored. If a woman is generally bored, or not married within two years, things start to get bad. Women will stop doing things they used to, like helping around the house or having sex in an attempt to get you to dump them. The whole point is that while you want a simple life, she wants to have fun or start a family. What are you doing to achieve those goals for her? Remember, she's not dating you just to be your whore, she loves you and wants to be a wife and mother. If you don't want the same out of her, then maybe you need to re-think why you are together at all.

    So she's bored. You probably stay around the house every day and every night, watching TV and drinking beer. You're probably also getting into "serious" mode and "talking" about what you need. You told her that you're not getting laid and "What's wrong?" or some other crap line, right? Yeah, she got upset with you when you brought it up because it was a dick thing to do, no pun intended. You basically said "You need to be my whore when and where I want" to her and that's degrading. That kind of stuff is going to contribute to the fact that she wants out of the relationship. It will make things worse. You're talking and when most guys open their mouths they say stupid things. This is one of those times when you need to communicate with actions, and not words. If you really care about her so much, then stop yammering and take her on a date.

    Worse, chances are your serious "talk" did nothing to arouse her. Think about it this way: If you met some hot chick in a bar (and you were both single) is that the line you would use on her? "Hey, I know we barely know each other, but you need to have sex with me. I'm a man, in my prime, and it bothers me that you won't drop down on your knees right here and suck me off. Then I want to take you into the bathroom stall and fuck you. Then I am going to come back to the bar and have another drink. What are you going to do to fix this?" Please, that's bullshit, and you think it's going to help your situation? No, it won't, but that's only because you are looking at it wrong. You are not her father, you are her boyfriend/husband/lover and you have to provide her with some reason to be attracted to you. Unless you do, she'll get bored with you and probably leave you. And you'll deserve it because you ignored her needs.

    Consider this: When you first got together, you probably flirted and joked and had fun. You probably went out. You had FUN together. When was the last time you did that?

    In order to maintain a relationship you can't change, like I suspect you have. That means you need to go out on Friday nights and go to a club or bar or whatever the two of you like to do. Go some place new for a change, or someplace old that you love. Have a few drinks. Flirt. Joke. Without using words, SHOW HER how much you care for her. You have to constantly suduce your woman or she'll be gone before you know it. Yes, she is still expecting you to be the same as when you met, but you've probably changed - and for the worse. You probably did not even think about it, did you?

    When was the last time you told her, with no strings attached, that she's a great person and you really enjoy spending time with her?

    When was the last time you went and did something with your friends and gave her some time alone?

    When was the last time you dragged her out to a nice dinner, even though she said she was tired or some other BS excuse, so she does not have to cook or clean or just see the mess you're making in the kitchen?

    I get concerned because it seems to me that most guys at this stage are coming from a position of subordination, begging for sex, trying to talk their way into it. This is usually not attractive to a woman. You have done nothing to make her horny, to want you, but rather have done everything to drive her away. Stop talking about sex. Start entertaining her.

    Basically, what is happening is that you are acting like a child, begging his mother for something he wants. This has a two-fold result: (1) It turns her off (2) it devalues your abilities as a mature partner. Both are going to lower her interest level in you until she gets sick of it and leaves.

    Red flags to look out for in any relationship are when a woman stops having sex with you, or any other actions that indicate she is happier spending her time without you than with you.

    Remember, actions speak louder than words. This is true for both you and her. What do your actions tell her, and vice versa? In most cases, I suspect the male has done a poor job of maintaining her interest level by boring her and acting childish. She'll start to back off, in hopes that you dump her for "lack of performing." This is something you can fix, and must always be aware of, to maintain a long term relationship.

    Note: If you got into a relationship with a woman who professed to have a low sex drive, then you have no one to blame for yourself. You have to understand that she is not magically going to get MORE horny for you, but less. You owe it to both her and you to break up and find someone with whom you are more sexually compatible. I strongly recommend you only date women who have a high interest level in you and a matching libido. If not, you will probably meet with failure and resentment sooner or later.
     
  9. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    It could be that she's losing interest in you.. or she's just more focused on other things.

    Personally, I think you moving on to girls with higher libido's is a load of bullshit. Don't do it. I understand the intimacy you want, but for her, eating dinner together might be just as comforting as sex if for you.

    Is she aware that you are disappointed in your guys' sex life? You might want to clue her in on this if you haven't already. Just opening the doors of communication might help. Maybe she's even self-concious, stressed, insecure.. numerous things will influence your girls sex drive. Even things you can't see. You may think she is the most gorgeous creature on earth, but if she feels like she's put on a few pounds, she might be grossed out by sex, because of her not you.


    Talk to her. Please. and this time, without getting upset and ALWAYS keep discussions like these outside of the bedroom. If she feels like she is disappointing you, she might just move further and further away.
     
  10. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    She is well aware that he has a problem with this, and she does nothing. That is a huge lack of respect issue. Personally, if she doesn't care enough about you to even work with you on the problem then I would lose her in a second. The last thing I want in my life is a selfish inconsiderate partner.
     
  11. machibear

    machibear New Member

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    Listen to this man.
     
  12. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    As much as she does not want to admit it, sex is a huge factor in a relationship. If you are suffering the repercussions of her lack of interest you and you alone have to make a decision to either accept that this situation, without help could potentially become worse and that's something you can live with OR you could cut your losses and move on. You shouldn't feel bad if you have a healthy libido. It's not as if you are going out and finding it on your own, you have a partner that is withholding from you. She has a responsibility to figure out what is causing this and you have the responsibility to be honest with her if this is that big of a problem to you. For all she knows you are mildly irritated and that's ok. Which it's obviously not. Do something now before it's too late and things become ugly between the two of you.
     
  13. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    Is she taking birth control pills, or using any kind of synthetic hormone type birth control? Is she on any kind of medication at all?
     
  14. ak1ra07

    ak1ra07 New Member

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    Nope, no birth control or antidepressants, i already looked into that too. Its not like we dont have an active social life, we went out to a party last night, spent the night here, but still nothing. It just doesnt happen, its like shes given up trying, but as far as I can tell, shes still interested in me, shes talking to one of her friends on the phone about what a sweetheart I am.


    Ill give this a try, its just hard to keep bringing it up without sounding like a shithead, I feel like its always me talking and she doesnt see it as a big deal, like this is the way it is and its something I just have to accept.. but its definitely starting to affect my attitude a lot more. And that is true, everytime we talk about it is just before going to sleep.
     
  15. gsxec

    gsxec New Member

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    Theres something you have to understand about women.

    1. There crazy
    2. Unlike men, they can get used to not having sex, and not think about it anymore.

    Try and recall NOT the last time you got some, but the time before that. Did you say something stupid? Did you perform shrimply? Did you not shave/trim and have jungle pits? Did you act selfishly and not pay attention to her desires? Performed too rough? etc etc...

    Also I would hate to be the bearer of bad news but the following are also possibilities.

    1. Shes cheated and or cheating on you and doesnt want to feel like a multifucking whorebag
    2. She is fucking with your head and is wrapping you around her finger and as in this state you are..
    A. Really Nice
    B. Really Sweet
    C. Attentive
    D. Caring
    E. Open and always have time for her, and willing to lick her toes.

    Are you wealthier and more respectful than most men? Keep that in mind.

    Regardless of her inactions, to correctly react to her misleading reasons, issues, mindgames, and excuses is to play her own game.

    Call her and invite her over as you normally would, dont act any differently as you are now.
    1. When she gets there, change your attitude and began to treat her as one of the guys.
    2. Try to sit on a single chair or the opposite couch as her.
    3. Crack jokes, talk about sports
    4. Talk about that female co-worker and something that happend.

    Basically, talk to her with the idea in mind as if she is just a friend, although if she says I love you tell her I love you back etc.
    1.She will get confused/jealous etc
    2. She will remember your good qualities and why she chose to be with you
    3. She will see how cute you are

    All this happens INSTANTLY

    Before you know it you have to hide from her as she wants it all the time

    I know what you women are thinking, but honestly there are tactics to your games :p
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2006
  16. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    ak1ra07, look man, you are NOT being selfish by wanting sex. If you have relayed this concern to her and she still does NOTHING to work with you on this, then she is a selfish bitch, bottom line. There is no escaping this. If this is a concern of yours-and you have EVERY RIGHT for it to be a concern-and she simply doesn't care to make an effort, then she is extremely selfish and doesn't care too much about your feelings. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

    Look, it's beyond the time to play nice. You've done that already and she obviously doesn't take you seriously. You need to straight up tell her that for her to ignore your concerns and make no effort to at least compromise is a HUGE disrespect to the relationship, If she still doesn't care of gets defensive/turns the table on you and becomes offensive, then straight up quit being a pussy and end the relationship. It's clear that if these things happen, you will NEVER be happy in this relationship and it is time to move on.

    Sex is a very normal part of a relationship and for her to not want it at all is a huge red flag that could mean a number of things-the scariest of which could be that she is getting her action elsewhere, but any of the possible reasons is grounds for relationship termination-especially if she ignores your concerns. Stand up for yourself man. Yeesh!
     
  17. BlazinBlazer Guy

    BlazinBlazer Guy Witness to The De-Evolution of Mankind.

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    I think that's making a HUGE generalization, that isn't really fair. You can't assume that ALL women want to get married. Or, especially, that ALL women want to be mothers or have families. Not all of them do, just like not all men want to be married or be fathers. I for one wouldn't mind being married, but I do NOT want kids. Never have, never will.:noes:
     
  18. andymodem

    andymodem Ambitious, but rubbish.

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    :bowdown: :werd:
     
  19. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    You are quoting the article I put up there. That article was not written for this specific situation but since the situations were similar I figured the article might be of interest. I don't think the author of that article meant "EVERYONE".
     

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