SRS A discussion about leaving someone

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by TheGrudge, Jan 20, 2005.

  1. TheGrudge

    TheGrudge Guest

    Lets say you deeply love someone... in an extremely addictive way. You're with this person, and you know that they love you too.... but this person is doing more bad than good for you. You don't want to leave them because you love them and because they do "some" good things for you, but the bad things are beggining to out weigh the good. You have matured enough to realize what would help you help yourself out of your own dark hole... and you realize that the thing that would help the most would be to get out of the relationship you are currently in. Perhaps not permanently because you really love the person and want them in your life, but you need to get out of the situation for a while until you become more stable.

    You get the nerve to talk to the person about this, and instead of responding in sadness and regret, they respond with anger. With yelling and pointing out things that you do wrong as if you are a horrible person for trying to break away for a while. They say extremely horrible things to you, things that someone who wanted to kill you would say.

    What does this tell you about the person who's responding with anger? Do you know/have you known anyone like this in the past? Do you have experience in this situation? I would like a discussion on the matter.

    The example I have given above does not reflect my current relationship 100%, but this discussion will help my current problem.
     
  2. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Sounds like the person would be right to get the fuck out in a hurry after that talk. I would advise them to try and remember that the person who said the mean things was very upset when he said them, and doesn't really believe them.
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    There's simply not enough to do any more than speculate on what that person is feeling & thinking. The fact that their reaction was anger instead of sadness isn't enough to make any firm judgements on their feelings about you, about themselves, about this relationship.

    Other than the fact that you bringing up the possibility of terminating the relationship, even if temporarily, REALLY pissed them off. But that's pretty obvious.

    The really interesting part, the WHY they were pissed off....can't be guessed at without knowing more about you, about her, and the relationship dynamic between you.
     
  4. ZeeMox

    ZeeMox Opinions are like assholes. Fuck em. OT Supporter

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    I'd be interested in hearing more details, but just from what I'm reading right now, I want to point out.

    1. I've been in a very similar sounding relationship. The difference is, I really love her and simply would not leave her unless there was no chance it could ever be fixed. We actually worked through A LOT of our problems recently and things are looking up. If you really love the person, ALWAYS stick with it when possible, unless you really have no choice.

    2. Anger doesn't necessarily mean much. People that take break-ups with sadness are genrally either very passive or they already saw it coming. Anger isn't a surprising reaction - someone you care about very much is taking something you don't want to live without away from you, and you feel betrayed. Later that person may be able to see it your way better, but they have to get over you first. You can't look at a relationship you're still emotionally involved in from an objective standpoint.

    Also, reactions like this depend not only on the person you're breaking up with, but on how you handled the break-up. More details may be necessary. If you really, really love them - the solution is to keep finding solutions, not a way out. If you don't see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person, then obviously what you did was probably right, depending on how you handled it. Either way, more dtails are needed.
     
  5. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    I agree with that. Anger is just the way this person is handling this situtation. Instead of showing you that you are hurting them by hearing what you are saying, they react in anger. They are anguished because they cannot understand WHY they are losing the one they love. Now after she calms down she will mostly likely brake down into tears. Question herself on what she did to deserve this, and isolate herself from further relationships for a period of time. UNLESS, you are planning to get back with her. Do not cause her anymore pain. If you say you love her, and she loves you, isn't that all you need to know. Problems accure in relationships, you work through them because you love the person. Just because you ask this person to do something for you and they decline does not mean they dont care, it just means they dont want too. If you are ready to break something off that most LIKELY you will regret it in the future, then do it. But, I think you should weigh your options before cutting her off. Not saying you are the bad guy, I am just saying people look for love their whole lifes, and if you let go of something that is SO hard to find, you could be the one with the heart ach in the end. Why throw something away because of a problem that seems extremly big at the moment? Try to fix it, love conquers all in the end. And if you lose that then life is pretty pointless when it gets down too it. Talk to her about what is aggravating you. See what she says. She might not even realize she is hurting you are pissing you off. And if she does, then try to resolve it by compromising. Good Luck, I hope you make the right decisison.


    -Heather
     
  6. TheGrudge

    TheGrudge Guest

    First of all, I want to thank those of you who have reasponed, and in turn... I shall offer more details on my current situation...

    I've known my wife for 14 years or so. We met in 3rd grade, were together off and on ever since. I mean off and on because she used to cheat on me all the time. I don't want to get into it real deep here, but I'll say that she did some very horrible things in the past and would lie about them on a daily bases. I stuck with her though out of weakness, addiction, and love... for many reasons that for you to understand, you would have to not only know our entire story, but my history before then as well. Anyway, she changed 3-4 years ago and after her being faithfull and us leading a steady relationship for a long time... I finaly decided to marry her for many reasons. One being that I've known her longer than anyone in my life, even my own family. Another being that she had completely changed to become the person that she needed to be in order for us to be together for life. Yet another reason being that I realized by then that no matter what happened... I wouldn't leave her.. so I might as well just marry her.

    Now apart from that, I've had mental problems my entire life ranging from ADHD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Obsesive Compulsive Disorder, Major Depression, and borderline schitzophrenia. These problems I've dealed with my entire life but they started getting worse ever sence I was around 16-18. They have been getting progressivly worse over time. I'm in the process of setting up a court date with a lawyer to get on dissability because I cannot work due to these problems, and they also affect every aspect of my life including my marriage.

    During 2003, I finaly gave in to her wanting a child. This was right before we got married. I told her so many times that I knew that if I couldn't take care of myself, I couldn't take care of another human and teach it to grow.... but she insisted and would get depressed whenever she saw one, and I loved her... so eventualy she got pregnant and had our son last March. Before that though, she convinced me to move to Austin, TX because we'd be closer to her family (they all live in Texas) and because the art/music atmosphere in Austin would help inspire me to continue making music and art... the things I want to spend my life doing. So we moved, got married, then she had the kid.

    Not suprising to me at all though, I had problems from the get-go when it comes to taking care of my son. Whenever he screams, it flips a switch involuntarily inside me that sends me into a panic attack. The sound of his screaming makes me feel panicky. claustrophobic, angry, deppressed... lots of emotions pilled up on top of eachother. Because of this, we have an agreement that if this happens and I begin to panic, that I can call her at school and she will come home to take care of him for a bit until the baby and I calm down. So she understands and cared to a point ya know? This is a problem for me though because on top of the stress of me going into this "mode" while taking care of him, I have the added sadness and stress of knowing that I have to call her and have her basicaly jepordize her school. Not only that, but she can't work either because we both know that she can't just come home from work if I have problems. Neither of us have the money for daycare either. So her mother is currently paying our rent and telling her it's ok if she doesn't work as long as she's going to school.

    So neither of us work. Our income is food stamps and tanif which is basicaly welfare. So I have the added stress of financial problems, mixed with fealing bad that someone else is having to make sacrifices in their own life to make sure ours and our son's is ok.

    Then there is the fact that although she has changed, and I have obviously accepted the past since I married here.... I constantly think about the past and have nightmares that involve me looking for my wife, but not being able to find her. I have alot of pain from my past due to her, and that will affect our relationship for ever. I think we've done a good job though... and I've seen relationships that involve alot more physical/mental fighting than we currently indulge in.

    So anyway, now that you know some background... onto the topic at hand.

    Lately, she has had problems understanding my illnesses. She thinks that it's extremely unfair that things aren't 50%/50% in our relationship. I completely agree with her, and feel incredibly bad about this fact. She has to take care of Niko all the time, as well as go to school while I sit in my room 24/7 to keep myself away from any situation that might send me into a panic attack and/or make things worse for me and in turn, for her and my son. In any normal relationship, both parents would try to be equal when it comes to taking care of the child... but that just can't be the case with us. On top of that, cleaning the appt should be an equal thing as well. We have a cleaning day set, Sunday, where we split everything up and clean the entire appt. She doesn't feel this is fair because she does more than me in our relationship, and since I'm home every day... I should be the one to clean the place like a stay at home mom would.

    I understand that, and agree with it also.... but it isn't as easy as it sounds. Anyone who understands my illnesses will know why. As much as I care and want to help out around the appt, when it comes down to it... it just doesn't pass my mind. It's not that I'm lazy or procrastinate... it's that I just don't think about it. We setup this deal with a guy over the net who lost his transportation, for me to give him a ride to work everyday and in turn, he would give me guitar lessons. This is a wonderfull thing! My life ambition, my music... and the chance to further my skills by taking lessons... it's something I really want to do. So understand how important it is/was to me to get this chance and go through with it. Well... the day comes when I'm supposed to take him to work, and I don't. Why? Because I completely forgot. It was on the callender and everything, but I forget to look at the callender. My illnesses include horrible memory problems.

    So lately... the past 3 weeks or so...things have been really bad between us. She's been getting very mad at me, and when she gets extremely mad... she becomes very immature and says very horrible and spitefull things to me. Like last night she said, "F**K you. Go live with your Mamma, ya big baby". And she will go off on these tangents about how she knows and understands my mental illnesses, but it's not fair that things aren't equal and I must not care about anyone but myself because I don't do things that I should normaly do.

    Like just now, she came in here and told me that she was going to pay someone to clean the kitchen. I said that I would do it. I told her that we didn't have the money to pay someone to do that, what money is she using? The money that we had both agreed would go to quarters to clean clothes, that isn't exactly her's because she took it out of the bank account my grandmother made for me for immergencies. Ok so, she didn't even discuss this with me before hand... she just decided that this money would go towards something else. She said, "Well excuse me for trying to get something done around here, it's not like you were going to do it!" then she walks out and slams the door.

    I do care, and I do try... but I'm limited on my abilities due to my illnesses. She says, "Well stop using your illnesses as excuses if you aren't going to do anything to help yourself". She obviously doesn't pay attention if she feels that way, because I'm on a constant battle to help myself. First of all, 24/7... by keeping myself away from situations that will trigger a panic attack and by keeping myself away from anything that will send me into a hard depression which will make life hell for all of us... I'm helping myself. By taking the initiative to get setup with a lawyer to get on dissability which will help with our financial problems as well as take alot of stress off us both, I'm helping. By trying to convince her to move back to Kansas where the mental health system is good and I have friends to support me, I'm helping. I'm constantly trying to help myself. What's interesting is that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't care one bit. I'm doing this for her, not for me. IF it wasn't for her, I would just sit and pointlessly rot away. I'm doing it for her, and she's blind to it.

    I've done so much for her. I've stuck with her through her cheating on me. I've given her a child. I've moved with her to Texas to be close to her family. I've given her lifelong support by marrying her. and I'm constantly trying to help myself to take stress off of her. Everything I do is for her, and she's blind to it.

    So we had a big fight the other night about all of this, to where she became very immature like usual and said horrible things and acted like my mental illnesses weren't as big of a deal as they really are, and this really got me thinking. I mean, when getting into fights... one does think about leaving the other person in the relationship, and I've thought of it before... but this is different. I realize that in order to help myself, I have to keep away from anything that will make me worse, and my relationship with her is certainly not making things any better. I don't want to leave her forever, but I'm starting to think that if I move back to Kansas, get on dissability, see a regular professional psychologist, get on meds, be around friends... and overall get better... then it would be better for our marriage in the long run.

    The reason I asked the question that I did to you all, is because I know how she will react. I've known her for 14 years afterall. I know how she gets. She reacts to negetivity with anger. When someone critisizes her for something she's doing wrong, she acts like they are attacking her and saying that she's a horrible person. If someone is sad because of something she's doing, she acts like the person doesn't have a right. When I tell her that I feel like she's not doing something right (like her main job in the appt is to keep the litter box clean, which she rarely does so they end up pissing on our bed and pooping on the carpet) then she acts as though I have no right to EVER tell her ANYTHING that she does wrong because I don't even do my share, which is something that isn't under my control. It's not my fault. If/when I talk to her seriously about a temporary seperation, she will not only react with anger or even humor and ridicule that I would think of such a thing.... but she would sit there and say stuff like, "Oh my mom wouldn't pay for daycare if you left, so that wouldn't work" or "oh that's great, go to kansas where everyone hates me so they will convince you to leave me" or "that will only make our relationship worse, it wont help". I'm not just assuming this, I've heard these things before when we've non-chalauntly (sp?) discussed it.

    Ok I'm done ranting and I'm sure anyone who is reading this really doesn't have the time to read my life story.

    But there you go...
     
  7. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    I don't think you are being honest about this relationship. Suggest to her that you two go to counseling so that you might work through your issues.
     

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