A case for trying again-an exercise in paper-procrastination by Demosnat

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by demosnat, May 29, 2008.

  1. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    This is an update for the regulars who've asked me about my dating life atm, its going to be a long, self centered post.

    Celibacy
    A little over a year ago, as you may remember (because I went on about it for months) I became celibate. I did this because I never felt feelings. I would get to a certain point with whoever I was with, and my feelings would level off and just stop. I would realize a few months after falling in love that I felt literally nothing for the person, and that there was nothing they had done to warrant that.

    Rather than risk the long term love fiasco, I used sex for false intimacy. I never really figured that out until I broke up with my ex, and realized that despite being with him for about two years, and having truly thought I loved him in the past, my feelings blinked out like a light, his crying, his begging, it barely even registered with me that he was in pain, I just felt nothing for him. It had been the same with my bf before. All ex bfs polled say their biggest issue with me was that i'm emotionally cold.

    When I realized that I had been using sex to get a feeling of false, safe intimacy that allowed me to ignore my emotional hollowness, I stopped, and set about trying to improve the way I relate to people i'm with romantically.

    I started dating a guy (S) who I had like for a long time. He was a virgin, celibate for his religion.

    Ex stuff
    Oh, I should put in, I left my ex b/c he developed a heroin addiction, I didn't know he used, and bled me dry for about six months before I found out. It was DEVASTATING because its shook my sense of control so badly. My ex and I, and my friend who I liked and later dated, all used to do OC together. I stopped, because I grew out of it, they both continued without me knowing.

    I left my ex, was single for a couple months, and slowly started dating S.

    Dating S
    We abstained, for his religion and for my desire to form an actual emotional bond with another human being.
    I fell for him, hard. We were madly in love after a few months. To this day I look back, and the beginning of our relationship was truly perfect, and even now I can honestly say we are very well aligned in world view, personality, life goals, etc.
    After we had been together maybe sixish months (i could be wrong on the time line) I started noticing the warning signs. He was using again. I confronted him, and he admitted he had been using since about 2 months into our relationship, and that he was trying really hard to stop, and didn't want me to be hurt again over drugs so he hadn't told me, even though he knew i would have helped him.

    Me going bat shit fucking insane
    I went bat-fucking-shit insane.
    Before I went bat-fucking-shit insane, I did what I generally do, and threw myself wholly into helping him get clean. It would work for awhile, and then he would fall off the wagon.
    I did something unselfish for possibly the first time in a relationship. I realized I could not help him, even though he wanted me to. I called his mother, the only person who I thought could help him, he thanked me profusely for telling his mother, and I left him.
    He was clean almost the day after I told his mom. She kept him in the house, drove him to therapy, and drove him to his rehab program. He got his shit together with the quickness.
    In the meantime, i'm going bat-shit nuts. I have this terrified feeling that i'm about to lose control over my life, that my roommie is using again, that he's going to kill himself, that I can't protect the people I love. I make emotional demands of S that he can not possibly fulfill while he's getting clean. I need emotional support that he can't give me.
    He tells me he loves me, but that he can't be around me or anyone else for that matter, while getting clean, and kind of falls of the face of the earth. Won't take calls, won't go out, he's just gone.

    Now
    He starts to reemerge around February. He has his shit together. he's in therapy (which he's made incredibly progress in) he's clean, staying clean, etc.
    We, after a period of circling, began dating again. Its been really good again. The only problem w/ in our relationship (at this point) is resolved.

    important
    I know, that people aren't really capable of change beyond behavioral. This is a belief that I really do carry. I understand, that whatever it is that made him an addict to begin with will always be there, but the point it so recognize it, and learn to keep an eye on it.

    less important
    The progress I made, being able to form an emotional connection, has been undermined. I have one foot out of the door again, and he knows this. Its something he seems willing to wait on, and that im willing to work on.

    side notes

    A lot of people in this forum respond to relationship problems with "why are you wasting your time"
    I don't believe you are ever wasting time if you're doing something you feel is worthwhile. A relationship is not a failure if it doesn't last forever, the time you spend together and what you learn in that relationship IS worthwhile.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2008
  2. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    This is very true. I, myself, come from a family where addictions and substance abuse are very common. I have found that I do have an addictive personality in general like the rest of my family. I know that there will be nothing that I can do to get rid of that and there is nothing I can do that will guarantee that addictions will never become a problem in my life. All I can do is use the support systems I have around me and recognize when things could become and issue and learn how to deal with it so that it never becomes an issue. Luckily, to this point in my life, it has not become a problem, however, I am aware that at any point, life circumstances could change that and I need to keep an eye on it; as you speak of.

    Agreed. Through every relationship, you should learn more about yourself and what you need to make any future relationships better.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2008
  3. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Crap, thread title should read "an exercise in paper....."
     
  4. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Yep, i'd be totally incapable of having the sort of relationship i want without some practice.
     
  5. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I believe this extends beyond physical relationships as well. Everyone has a friendship or two that did not end up the way they wanted (ended poorly). Many of us regret that and that might be justified, however, the key is to learn from that problem and improve future relationships you have and most of all yearn to make yourself a better person overall.
     
  6. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    good read.

    I'm definitely like you in a way. I don't think i am the kind of person who can possibly NEED another person. no matter how much I want them, its just not the same. It kind of makes me sad. I kinda wish some girl would rip my heart out, but Ive just begun to believe that its just not how im built.
     
  7. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    :mamoru: S breaking my heart is probably the most psychologically healthy thing thats ever happened to me.
     
  8. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    It is really amazing hey, how devastation can be the best possible thing hey?
     
  9. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    wat
     
  10. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    What drug is OC? Oh wait, Oxycontin?
     
  11. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Well said.
     
  12. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Yep
     
  13. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    I agree 100%. It's never a waste as long as you are able to learn from that particular relationship. I have learned from every single relationship and thus, I think that every new relationship I engage in, foster and committ to, will be the better for it if I put those lessons to practice.

    I think you a very strong person, and have dealt with a lot of BS that people should never have to go through and that many would not have handled very well. Just hold fast to that strength.
     
  14. blue_fox

    blue_fox New Member

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    Just leaving a comment saying I read it all; I know I like it when people read my threads.
     
  15. Aronomy

    Aronomy Get your COME ON!

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    That would really suck if it were true. I don't agree. Where did you form this belief?
     
  16. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thank you :wiggle:
     
  17. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Personal experience, majoring in psych, being in therapy
     
  18. Aronomy

    Aronomy Get your COME ON!

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    Do you think you're experienced enough to form such a rigid belief? Isn't it kind of depressing? What a depressing feild to be in, psych. Anyway, carry on, thanks for the response.
     
  19. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Its not depressing at all in my opinion, it can be positive.
    Myself as an example: i'm a caretaker. For whatever reason, i'm drawn to situations in which i feel that I can help people. This has in the past affected me very negatively. However I grew up a bit, saw the problem, and have been able to reroute that characteristic in positive ways, while keeping in mind my tendency to allow them to negatively affect me, and watching out for that.
    No rule outside of math and chemistry is ever rigid. there are exceptions to everything.
     
  20. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    :eek3: I apparently learned to double quote
     
  21. Miss Red

    Miss Red New Member

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    You go girl!
     
  22. fray

    fray New Member

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    interesting read.

    Glad to hear things are generally going better...
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Having your heart broken is a good lesson, it proves that you can really love and do have emotions. Plus, if you can pick yourself up after a gut-wrenching event you shouldn't be afraid of anything.
     
  24. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    :wiggle: so so so glad to see you posting again
     
  25. Funklordtoejam

    Funklordtoejam New Member

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    You should be writing your paper :p

    I'm glad that you gave S another chance. You seem much happier when you're around him. Could be the orgasms though.

    Yer pal,
    Funklordtoejam
     

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