A Bit Confused (Maybe you can 'unconfuse' me (yes I know unconfuse is not a word)

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Bubba Atlantis, Apr 10, 2008.

  1. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Hey Everyone,

    Some of you know me from FS, while some of you don't. So for those that do not know me, Hello :wavey:.

    I am faced with a bit of a predicament that I was hoping you all could help me with. I will get it out in the open that I am married and this is something my wife and I are doing together. Furthermore, this thread is to help out with the issue I am having and not to argue over whether swinging is acceptable or not. So please, I would appreciate your help with this matter (just pretend the married part is not there). If you are going to just make comments about whether having multiple partners is acceptable or not, please keep it for another thread as I will not argue it here :)

    Now, on to my question. I have been with my wife since I was 16 (I am now 24). During that time we have played with others, but they have always been friends of ours. Thus they turned out to be rather safe situations. There was little fear of being judged and there was no need to worry about trying to impress or pick someone up. Recently we have begun going to fetish clubs and have decided that we are going to expand the amount of playing we do with others. This results in me needing/being able to try and pick up other people (strangers to be precise). The problem is, I have little experience in this. Specifically, I do not know how to read a situation. I personally like to get to know someone first and then from there, an interest sexually MIGHT arise. I am not accustom to the whole finding someone attractive and going after them sexually and LATER finding out a bit more about them. However, within this party environment, it is expected that people will flirt with others and be a little more 'hands on', so to speak. However, my experience in approaching women and closing the deal is rather limited. Thus, there is a bit of shyness associated with this situation as well as nervousness. I was curious if any of you could provide some advice on how to approach this situation with strangers? I guess the key thing is, trying to understand boundaries of individuals and how to interpret people's interest or non-interest. Furthermore, by being with Lovely (my wife) for all my life, I have become well versed in her body. This includes: what turns her on, what she likes having done to her (hair pulled, spanked, etc). However, I realize that each individual is different and thus what works with my wife will not work with others. Therefore, how do you move things along but not scare people away? I mean I guess the easiest would be just to ask (do you like this? Do you want me to do this harder?, etc). I am not fully sure what my question is that I pose to you, but it appears that it might be how might you recommend moving along with another individual while being respect and adhering to their needs and wants? I think that is it; or at least one of my questions. I am not fully sure what I am wanting to get out of this as I am very confused at the moment and my hope is that maybe you guys can clear up some of my confusion, resulting in me being able to clarify my questions further.

    Thanks VAG :)
     
  2. Zappy

    Zappy New Member

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    I can't help ya much but GL and have fun =)
     
  3. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Hey Zappy, nice to see you again and posting as well :)

    I guess for me the key problem is how to move it from the casual dancing and stuff to something more. I can always hook girls, but it is the moving beyond the typical bumping and grinding.
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    wow, this is a great thread. it's about me, but it's posted by you. that's great

    i have a question

    are you going to be more or less shy with your wife watching you?

    are you nervous about how the girl will react when you approach her? i.e., wondering if she will reject you, be nice, be mean, etc.
     
  5. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Hey bubba :wiggle: I don't have a great deal of exp with this, but from what I have seen, it can really benefit everyone if you let lovely do a lot of the picking up.
    Like Kittie said, it will help weed out the fain of heart, and I think it will minimize jealousy issues (i'm not saying you have any this is in general :) ) if shes the one chasing.
    Let me know how this works out for you.
     
  6. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    obviously, that's the easy way out, but it's not the proudest way to do things
     
  7. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    And he is talking about at the Club where most everyone has a similar mind set :) (I think he is just a bit nervous about the "meet & get to know" part)
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    true dat.

    OP,

    the club thing is going to make this 10000000000000x easier. i've been to a similar place and it's just.. very normal and common and not the big deal it would be in the outside world.

    still want to know the answer to my questions above tho
     
  9. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    From the other thread in FS, it would seem you and I have a lot in common :wavey:.

    I think I will be a bit more shy with my wife there simply because I know that in the past she has had difficulties with jealousy. For the most part, that has disappeared, however, I think there might still be something there. Specifically in the past we had rules about my intereaction with some of the women we were with. However, with this new development, those rules have been cut down and, in some cases, removed entirely. This was a decision that we came to together and one that I fully feel she is on board with (she brought up the idea of changing them), however, I have yet to see her reaction with these new rules. Thus, I suspect she will be fine if she sees me over in the corner making out with some woman, but I am not 100% sure. Thus, I am a bit cautious about things. This will result in me being more hesistant and slow with other women.

    As for your second part. TOTALLY. I have been with my wife all my life and I guess a fear of rejection by others exists. I have never had problems with women. In fact most of my friends are female. I am very close with women; however, this relationship has always been in the friends (or close friends if you know what I mean :naughty:). Meeting new people and opening yourself up for rejection is difficult. In the past we have always done stuff with friends, so there was less of that feeling (however the fear still existed slightly despite this reassurance). Therefore, the idea of finding some stranger is daunting. Again, I think given the environment it makes it a bit easier, but maybe because of the environment it makes it more difficult. That is to say that there are expectations of me making a move on a girl I talk to, which in itself can be difficult correct?
     
  10. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Who has that expectation? I'm sure not everyone is expected to jump in with both feet.
     
  11. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I think you bring up a great point. I think that was a part of my awkwardness last time. I saw girls that I was interested in, however, they just kinda gave off that vibe that they were there to have a good night but not to hook up. However, we found some likeminded folks our first night out (or rather they found us :mamoru:) and that made it easier. I guess the key is to read a situation and examine who would be interested and who would not be. Obviously everyone who is at these things is not there to hook up with people. Some are just there for the fun of the event.

    I think that is one of my concerns. That is discerning which individuals are there for the fetish and which are there for the fetish AND the fun

    I feel you make another good point as well after. As I said previously, I know what my wife likes and my instinct is to go directly to that. But, obviously everyone is different. For instance, Lovely likes being spanked and tends to get spanked by me out in public all the time. She likes it hard too (She claims she has no nerve endings left in her ass :rofl:). However, I have done it to friends (much lighter) and it seems to hurt them. Now, obviously as you stated I would not bring out the whips and chains, however, even small things like smacking the ass is a point of contention. So, even the easiest stuff is difficult. However, from your post and my own thoughts, I guess the way to go is to start slow and move hands to different parts of the body and see what the reaction is and continue forth from there.
     
  12. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Hey Demos :)

    See that was my thought too. I was thinking she would be great at picking people up. The problem is, she doesn't want to :( She said to me (despite liking women) "I do not want to help you pick up women for us, I want to find my own guys". I mean I don't blame her obviously. I would not want to be picking up men for us, so I understand her spot. However, that, then puts more pressure on me.

    What is interesting is that Lovely likes knowing less. The less she knows the happier she is. Which is contradictory to what most would expect. She is fine with me doing things but does not want details. For most, I think it is the other way. They want to know everything that happened, so that they feel good about it. She is the opposite. I totally get why she is that way though. So sadly, in the end, this night, I will be on my own :(

    Also, as John eluded to, if the girl I am wanting is not into women, that makes it more difficult. Moreover, I think it could be rather intimidating being picked up by TWO people instead of just one? However, that could be a good thing lol.
     
  13. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Ah, sorry, I misread, I thought you were looking for playmates for the both of you
     
  14. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    @ Rouge: I am not too concerned about the getting to know you bit. I am great at conversation and very outgoing. The biggest concern is discerning who is interested and who is not and moving it from that getting to know you phase to REALLY getting to know you.


    @John. I agree, I think the club situation makes it easier. They were so laid back last time I was there. I even had guys coming up to me asking if I was okay with them being with Lovely and asking what kinds of things she liked. As I said, I am concerned but not at the same time....it is VERY confusing lol. I think Rouge is correct though...I think I am a bit intimidated by the situation. Also, having never dealt with it in the past, new experiences can be exciting and fearful at the same time.

    @Rouge: I think women have the expectation. I must admit though, I did have a girl come up to me and get to know me, but I think in a club situation it is expected that a man will be more forthcoming with the woman and her 'job' is to sit there and look pretty and make their decision. Do you disagree with this? Maybe I am incorrect in my assumption?
     
  15. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I can't guarantee anything, can I.

    Here's my experience of it. I've done some of both kinds of approaching - outside in the real world, and in a more... experimental ... context, to use a cliche, crappy term for sexual behavior most people don't like to engage in.

    i will be back later to update this, but the short of it is:

    the expectations are MUCH higher and MUCH worse in non-sex-club contexts. not only are the girls expecting you to make a move... they are threatened by the club scene, and they are threatened by the fact that you might not like them, and they care what everyone else in the room is thinking in a typically conservative way.

    girls in this club scene will be MUCH more likely to see that you're shy and help you get past it.

    in the best case, it's a rare place where they don't have to feel slutty for grabbing a dude they might enjoy. the context will help.

    more description, better explanation later g2g
     
  16. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Naw, this time around she wants to do stuff seperate, which I am really excited about. She had a LOT of fun last time and wants to have more lol
     
  17. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    LOL what is with all of you having to go :mamoru:

    Yeah I was thinking it would be easier given the environment. Personally, I do not know how people go to a regular club and pick people up. I know Lovely has gone out before and been mauled by men and been rather.....not offended, but....upset. They are very slimy she said. In addition, I would figure for a guy that it would be difficult to determine who was interested and who was not. With this environment, I think it is much easier. Of course there will still be those that are not interested and just there for a fun time. However, that will occur anywhere I go, only here it will be less common.
     
  18. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I just wanted to comment on this. I personally feel this is important. Even last time we did not do too much with others, but we always kept in contact. We would make eye contact and make sure we were okay with what was going on. There were hand signals of 'okay' and thumbs up, etc.

    I guess we need to think about the other people too. Hence, I am not sure if the wife stuff should be mentioned up front or just ignored. I dunno.
     
  19. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    The boundaries for this evening event will be no vaginal sex (so oral is okay). I am sure that we will make a few pursuits together, but mostly apart. We would be in the same room and event so we would be encountering a lot of the same people. I gather at the beginning of the night we will be together but as we find people we are interested in we will seperate a bit more.


    EDIT: Oh, I think I sort of said this, but to make it clearly, events outside the club are acceptable as well (the orgy stuff), however, it would be something we would discuss. As to be expected we are a bit cautious about the people we do things with because we will not know their sexual history; which can be a bad thing. So, we will see what happens in that regard.

    Last time we were at this event we were invited to an orgy afterwards. We discussed it last time and felt that we would not go seeing as it was our first time. This time we have agreed that we will contemplate it. That doesn't mean that we will go but rather we will see how the night goes and judge it from there.

    It is merely a situation where we can have fun with other people and let loose. The rules are there as they have always been in our previous encounters, however they have been relaxed. For instance, in the past, we had a no kissing rule (which I always found weird given that oral was okay). However, for this event, we realized that we can not have a no kissing rule. This is because we quickly found out that with this group, kissing tends to play a big role in events. From what we have discussed, as previously mentioned, the only rule set forth currently is no vaginal sex. We are great with communication however and will keep in some sort of contact during the event and if something changes, it changes. Lovely suggested if we are going to go off with someone to a corner that we sort of 'check-in' with the other person (just to ensure that they are okay with things). Umm, I think that answers everything. If not, let me know :)

    EDIT: Okay, I know I made this change, but lets try this again. I believe I answered this already but it might not have been clear, so I will do so now. Our rules extend outside of the club setting. If we go to an event after the party, the same rules, or lack there of, would exist. However, like all things they would be fluid and could change depending on the comfort level of Lovely or I. Also, we are obviously hesitant to hook up with strangers for the reason that we do not know their sexual history, which could be an issue. So we will see in that regard. *now stay this time, stupid edit!
     
  20. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    No there are not really any expectations for the evening. I never tend to have many expectations. I think it is just best to go into things open and relaxed and see how things go. Our last event far exceeded our expectations for instance. We were just there for a feeling out process and we got fully sucked in.

    Oh trust me, I flirt outside of OT too ;) Possible too much for some :mamoru:

    lol I love the alterego bit...'he's confident, demure, and desirable'. I think the most important thing through all this is to have fun and just relax.
     
  21. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    is anal ok too? :eek3:
     
  22. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    first of all, stop worrying. you're in easy-mode. everyone there comes with the intention of fooling around.

    be genuine. be yourself. always approach, dont stand around doing nothing. approach with genuine honesty - "hey, whats your name, this is my first time here" or whatever but in a very confident way. you need to KNOW that this is your new home, you just havent broken it in yet.

    as far as physical escalation goes, as long as you're going step 1, to 2, to 3, to 4, etc. and not skipping steps, the worst that can happen is someone moving your hand away politely.
     
  23. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    I can't speak for "normal" women, but I would tend to think that because of the atmosphere (it is not a regular nightclub) that women would be just as forward as the men. Just as I would think they would be vocal about their boundries. You were there, I find it hard to believe that you did not pay close attention (at least off and on) to the way people interacted.
     
  24. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    I agree with her but for a different reason. As long as you stick to the rules, I do not need to know the details because I would want you to feel free to experiment without "worrying about what I think". Maybe your flavor de jour enjoys something I personally find :eek4:, so I'd rather not know.
     
  25. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I thought this might be asked. No, the penis can only enter only the one oriface.

    I think you bring up a good point. When we went last time, one of the things that impressed me a lot was the degree of politeness there was there. Everyone was very respectful of one another and despite the sexual overtone to the event, there was never a feeling of pressure. I think the key for me is to continue with that tradition and be respectful but assertive as well :)
     

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