SRS 4 years..and I fucking relapsed.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cherryfire, Jul 13, 2004.

  1. Cherryfire

    Cherryfire "If we believe obsurdities, we shall commit atroci

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    In my hometown of Brownwood, Tx, there isnt much to do but get high, have babies or fight. I chose the getting high part early on and pretty soon, had myself a NICE little meth habit going. Oh, i got into pot too, tried a little valium as it came around..but my real first love was crank. Anyway, to spare details, I quit for good and moved away. I've been clean since. I'll admit though, that the thought of it can still make me shudder with "warm memories" and I have to change the subject or find something else to do.

    So I just returned from a trip back home to that little town of Brownwood to visit friends and family. Funny how old habits come back so easily, I met up with the same old friends...and pretty soon, got back into the same old game. I snorted and smoked from 8pm Wednesday to noon on Thursday before I knew what was happening. And all those old feelings came crashing back and as I started to come down, I remember thinking, "Oh! I need to find more! I cant come down!" And thats when the guilt and the humiliation and anger finally creeped in. Shit..I was right back in that smelly town, doing the same old shit with the same old people. I was no better than them no matter how hard I tried to look at it.

    Then late Saturday night, after I'd made my way to Dallas to resume the rest of my vacation there, full into my "black period" and depressed as hell, I get a call from my new employer. "We need a drug screen in addition to your paperwork before you can start work." My jaw dropped and my heart sank. Great. Not only had I relapsed..but now I'd lost my job. With only 2 days to be miraculously clean..I knew I was fucked. For those who havent done meth before..there really IS NO hiding it. And certainly not in 2 days. To be honest, I guess I really didnt care to either. I felt like I needed to suffer the consequences for this one. I called her back and told her the truth. That I wouldnt be passing her drug test and that I was sorry. She was really sorry to hear it, wished me luck and hung up. I was so humiliated.

    So anyway, here I am, clean again for 5 days now. Im drinking water, eating healthy and apologizing inwardly to my body for the shit I brought on her. (In addition to the meth, I also smoked cigarrettes like it was my job, another habit I had broken years before. My lungs still ache.) I've decided to find a local NA chapter here. I need somewhere to go when I start thinking about it so hard like I used to. (Any SLC addicts around here?)
    Anyway, just felt like sharing. None of my friends can really understand it as they have never experienced addiction before. (God bless them.)
     
  2. Icecleric

    Icecleric OT Comix Crew

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    I am so sorry CF. I read that and could feel the ache in your words. I know you don't know me from adam but if you need an anonymous vent then go for it.

    I know about the "falling back into old routines" thing. It is one of the biggest reasons I have stayed away. Hell I moved from Va to ALaska lol.

    Don't beat yourself up too much. Crank is supposed to be THmotherfucker that will haunt you. I know you are strong on the inside and if you let this be a lesson instead of a downward spiral you will emerge even stronger.

    Keep clean and keep going in the right direction. Have a goal and acheive it and stay away from that town and old habits.

    Again if you need an ear go for it.
     
  3. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    "If we relapse, we may feel guilt and embarassment. Our relapse is embarassing, but we cannot save our face and our ass at the same time. We find that it is best to get back on the program as soon as possible. It is better to swallow our pride than to die or to go permanently insane."

    Narcotics Anonymous - p.82


    It is also through the periods of greatest stress and turmoil that we can experience the greatest growth. Get back to what you need to do in life, despite the external influences possibly stating otherwise. Get to meetings, get involved, and share with people. You can recover but its your choice. We do care in the rooms of NA. Best of luck and thanks for sharing your experience with us :)
     
  4. FLY-FAST

    FLY-FAST OT Supporter

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    I can understand your inner frustration, but on a positive note, you were able to recognize that you shouldn't have used again, and haven't used since. I know it's only five days, but five days is five days... Keep up the good work!
     
  5. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    Im really sorry to hear about your bad week. But rest assured, thats all it was, a set-back. You realize what happened, and you hate it (hate the crank and the habit, dont hate you) but that is not to say that will never happen again. Just pray that next time, this negitive feeling will overpower the "positive" for the meth. Also, read Romans 13:20-29 i think, i dont have a Bible handy.....and Matthew 5:1-? whereever it ends, its al good. Dont let me preach to you and dont feel like im pooping on the other suggestions.....But i know Jah blesses and stregnthens. Peace.
     
  6. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    good passages, even if you're not religious. accept them as sage advice.

    thanks luciano
     
  7. Cherryfire

    Cherryfire "If we believe obsurdities, we shall commit atroci

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    Thank you all for your support. I am still clean up to this point and am looking forward. I still shake my head at the past but am no longer ashamed but wiser.
     
  8. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    You seem to have a really strong will to succeed.......
    I know youve been on my mind, ill continue praying for you. Stay faithful, Jah blesses.
    Luciano
     
  9. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    hope everything is going okay for you - when I relapsed it was for 2 years, it starts so subtly, one lil beer and end up smoking crack - go figure. I've got over 2-1/2 years now, and can still remember that 7 day mark, feeling crummy and toxic and being glad I had 7 days instead of 1, or 0. hang on in there - na.org on the internet if you haven't found a meeting yet.
     
  10. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Could you try to apply for the job same again, after having a clean period? Maby it's worth trying.
     

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