The past 2-3 weeks, I just haven't been feeling myself. I'm not sure what it is, but I haven't been sleeping well, I've been snappy with people, lazing about my job, developing a short temper, and really complaining a lot about my job, about people, having problems concetrating on tasks, etc. It's not my norm. Plus, as the weeks get closer to christmas, I'm thinking A LOT about my ex. Thinking of the gifts I had planned to buy for her, the christmas we were to share together. I find myself missing her more and more each day, and that missing her is really putting a dampening on my spirit and moods. We were best friends before we started dating, and remain that now, so we keep in contact every now and then, seeing how the other is doing. But I'm really in bad shape, mentally, and my brain's been mush for a while now. And to top it all off, I have a herniated disc in my back, and am in constant pain. Sometimes focusing on that pain makes me temporarily forget about my ex, and my broken and confused heart, but it's just that...temporary. I really don't know what to do with myself. I can actually see me losing my job because I just can't seem to do it anymore. I am seeing someone else now, and I don't know how that will work out, because I still have a lot of ghosts, but don't want the ghosts to all go away. ANd that's a shame, too, because she's really nice and so easy going. I can see me ruining it. I WANT it to work, but my heart is really throwing a wrench into everything. But my mind always drifts back to the ex. All the fun times we shared, the closeness, comfort, and intimacy that I hadn't experienced with anyone else, and I know for a fact I never will again. I've been close to people, some that I have gone out with for longer than the ex and mine wicked year, but I was never as close as I was with her. Never. Every night I still have her beautiful face haunting my dreams. I can't help it. I am still in love with her. Probably will be for quite some time too. My heart doesn't heal quicky, I can tell you that.