2yrs post break up, and it feels like I'm back to square 1!

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by 98R-1144, Jan 6, 2009.

  1. 98R-1144

    98R-1144 V8 4.2L AWD = All Weather Fun

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    I rarely ever post in here but I do read the VAG quite frequently.

    This will probably be a long post, but I really just have to vent and maybe someone can help with some of their insight/experiences.

    My ex and I were together for 5 yrs. We broke up 2 years ago. I tried the NC rule on/off during the 2 years... but I kept giving in at random times.

    It also didn't help that her family loved me and kept calling/im'ing me and inviting me over to the kids (her nephews/nieces) birthdays.

    During the 5 years we were together, 2.5 of it was kind of rocky. Her mom passed away from cancer and thats when things started to get rocky. Eventually she broke it off.

    I actually kept up the NC rule very well this year... but then her father passed away from cancer about 1.5 months ago. Very sad to lose both parents at her age (she just turned 30 and I'm about to turn 31).

    I put myself there to be there for her and her family. I only planned to attend the ceremony/funeral and help out with some stuff, then go back to NC. I had 2 weeks vacation for Xmas/New Years and so did she, but we had our own plans for it.

    But somehow, we ended up spending a lot of time together. The 1st week of Christmas break, we spent every day together. When we went out she would hold my hand. One night she pulled me in and kissed me.

    We even decided to take a weekend getaway to San Diego. It was like we were a couple again. We even made love a few times while down there. I was very hopeful that we would get back together. She even came by my house the Saturday before NYE and again we made love.

    Then this past week (week of NYE/NY), I slept over on Monday. Tuesday she said her friends from LA are coming up this week so she was having dinner w/them on Tuesday and partying w/them for NYE. She said she'd see me on New Year's Day for her family's dinner.

    I pretty much didnt hear from her Tuesday/Wednesday other than a quick Happy New Year txt. It was a big change from spending everyday with her to just that.

    I went by New Years day for her family dinner, and notice that her family wouldn't look at me in the eyes. And she was avoiding contact w/them as well. I decided to drink some wine and then she said don't drink too much because I have to drive home... that it's not a good idea for me to sleep over anymore... and that we should talk.

    So I said fine, lets talk.

    Turns out during the 2years we were broken up, she had dated another guy for 1.5 yrs of it (but broke up back in August). This really shocked me, as she never told me. She said she was scared of hurting me. That alone made me feel kinda gross for what we did in San Diego. She said she still didn't know what she wanted and didn't want to be with me. She said she wanted to talk some more but it was getting late, so I left.

    I didn't see her Friday because she went to hang out w/those same from LA. But I later found out thru a friend of mine that he saw my ex at the club totally making out w/a guy on the dance floor at the NYE party. I heard she left the party w/him and didn't home till the morning.

    I asked her about it and she said "Yes, I really like him. He's from LA." I didn't mention the part about making out and running off with him. That made me feel even MORE gross about what happened between us in San Diego and at my house, just a few days ago!

    This infuriated and disgusted me, so I told her she is not someone I want in my life anymore. And as sad and hurt as I was, I was glad to finally know about her most recent ex and this new guy, as it makes it a lot easier to just end it all.

    She said she doesn't know what she wants yet, and if it takes partying and going wild and meeting guys to do it, so be it. She said she never got to experience that stage in her life, and she wants to do it now that she turned 30.

    So we said our final goodbyes... and my friends dragged me out to a club. The my ex's sister started IM'ing me saying she has been crying for the past few days about how my ex has been treating me and leading me on.

    She said that all the brothers/sisters saw her and her LA guy on the dance floor and all got disgusted with her. So they had a huge fight (which was why my ex didn't talk to them or that they all couldn't look at me at the New Years dinner). She also said the entire family loves me and that I deserve much better and I should move on.

    I agreed with her... but why does it still hurt? I know she is totally not the person for me now, but it still hurts. I still don't have much of an appetite. And while I slept better last night then any other night the past week, I still didn't have a good sound night of rest.

    I guess I need time to 'heal' again even though we never were really together. She said I was the only one there for her for her father's death, and she loved me for that, and that's why what happened... happened.

    I think it's hard because I haven't had a gf since her in the past 2 years... I've had a few odd dates but it never really worked out... while guys are totally drooling all over her.

    My boy said to just think of this as a Holiday FB... enjoyed it while it lasted and just move on.

    Doh! I think I totally brought this on myself. :wtc:
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I'm sorry to hear all of that :sad2: Right away I knew it was going to be a mistake because I'm sure with her father's death she was feeling insanely vulnerable. When a woman feels vulnerable she turns to comfort from someone she:
    1. Knows she can get it from
    2. Feels comfortable with
    You were obviously a large chunk of her life and even if you didn't talk consistently for the last 2 years she knew you'd be there for her when she needed you most (unlike the guy she even dated for 1.5 years).

    Sucks too because it was so kind of you to put yourself out like that but it really was unnecessary. It seems pretty apparent you did all that because you were hoping for something more but you shouldn't have done more than even stopping at the funeral.

    She used you :( I hope you take this experience and truly cut contact with her because you need to know by now things will not work out. You are hurting more because you've never really told yourself "No, this is it. Do NOT text her." You said yourself you always cave. Not to mention you haven't really dated anyone in the last 2 years. Time to move on man, even if you just go on dated for the next long while it's better than sulking and thinking of her.
     
  3. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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  4. 98R-1144

    98R-1144 V8 4.2L AWD = All Weather Fun

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    Yeah I totally agree... my friends who I have told have said the same thing.

    It's funny because I heard that her most recent ex of 1.5 years... his family didn't like her and his friends didn't like her either... his friends nicknamed her "The Bitch". LOL!

    Even funnier is, none of my friends really liked her either! And neither did my mom.

    So I don't know why I was so worked up over her for the past ~7 years other than the fact that she is very pretty. I think a part of me feels that I could never get anyone that pretty again or something.

    Though with all this 'new' info I've discovered, it's been easier to get some sleep... and my appetite is coming back.

    Just gotta hang in there and move on!
     
  5. bpa00

    bpa00 New Member

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    You really do have to break off ALL contact with her... and her family... Failure to do so will just prolong the pain. If her own family is telling you that you are too good for her, then it doesn't get any more obvious that she is the wrong girl for you...

    I speak from experience as I have been in a very similar situation with very similar results several years ago...
     
  6. bpa00

    bpa00 New Member

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    This was the same for me. This girl whom I dated for 2.5 years was/is the hottest woman I have ever dated. Like in your case, my friends and family didn't like her, and her own mother told me that I was too good for her and shouldn't put up with her crap (I was also very close w/ her family)... Like you, I kept in very occasional contact w/ her and/or her family for the next year or more after our big breakup... I also let her back into my life for a very brief time after I thought I was over her, and all the pain came back in full force... Actually, this is what finally convinced me to treat her as if she no longer existed, and to get on with my life.

    In hindsight, I went through a lot of pain and suffering because she was the hottest girl that I had ever dated or been with. I was afraid that I would never find another girl this good looking... and you know what... I never really did date a girl THAT hot again... However, I have dated several woman who are very attractive (to me and most others), including my current fiance, who treat me WAY better than she ever did, and that I am MUCH happier with. I almost feel embarrassed looking back knowing how weak I was then, and all the crap I put up with for a girl who was nothing more than a very nice piece of *ss.
     
  7. le_rocks

    le_rocks New Member

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    :werd:
     
  8. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I'm sorry to hear that, man. Although the situations are very different, I read a lot of similarities with your situation and what I had with my ex. When my ex and I got together her mom had been sick for years with brain cancer and died just a couple months after we got together. We stayed together for 4 years, but she eventually felt trapped by the relationship and wanted freedom. I actually was the one that ended it, but mostly because she couldn't do it herself. We almost got back together a couple times after that, but thankfully she had the restraint to not lead me on when she wasn't interested. It's a shitty situation that your ex put you in and while I don't think it is excusable, I do understand it and I certainly don't think she hurt you intentionally. The trick is to learn how to better protect yourself in the future. Stay away from this girl, not because she is bad, but because she is bad for you. She needs to be selfish. Maybe you should be selfish for a while too. Just something to think about.
     
  9. 98R-1144

    98R-1144 V8 4.2L AWD = All Weather Fun

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    Thanks for all the responses and sharing your personal experiences.

    bpa00: Seems like you did great for yourself... your fiance is a lucky woman! Hopefully I can move on completely now and find the right person for me too!
     
  10. awdboost

    awdboost New Member

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    Its rough but u seriously need to start dating other ladies. If not she will always be coming back into your mind. yes I bet she will always hold a piece of your heart. But its blantly obvious that you should no you MUST move on with your life. I understand being weak first month or two but after three years you did all the trying you could to get back.

    Once you start dating, going to the gym, starting a hobby you'll feel better and meet some great people. Go out and enjoy life your still young!!
     

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