22/f zero Sex Drive!

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by HaileyGrace, Jun 3, 2005.

  1. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    Alright, Ill make this as short as possible, but here it is. I am 22, female and married. My husband is a very affectionate person and we have a gorgeous 10 month old daughter. We have never had a healthy sexual relationship, but have managed to stay together for the past 4 years (married for 2.5) because we get along so well in pretty much every other aspect. My husband is also 22 and has a normal 22 y/o male sex drive (aka, wants to hump me everytime I breathe) Does anyone else have this problem? Its not from having a baby, because I had this problem before. It has gotten to the point now where I am thinking that I should leave so that I don't have to deal with him anymore. Its a constant battle now. That battle combined with my impression that he doesn't want to have the responsibilties associated with being a father. He expects me to do all the housework, take care of our daughter, and still be interested in satisfying his 'needs'. He is a good guy, treats me right, is good with our daughter (but won't change diapers, rarely feeds her, etc...), and has never done anything worthy of a divorce (not abuse, cheating, etc...)
     
  2. Scott7

    Scott7 New Member

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    Have a serious talk with him...he needs to contribute in the process of taking care of the child...defanitely

    Maybe if you had less stress on your shoulders you'd have more of a sex drive?? idk
     
  3. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    We did talk, and he has agreed that he needs to do that, but we had this talk 6 months ago, and IMO, nothing really changed... :(

    6 months ago I wasn't sure if I was still in love with him... now I think I do love him, but I don't know what to do about our constant arguing over the sex issue.
     
  4. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    sounds like you need to work harder at helping him change. Not doing things for him. If he really is as bad as you say, that sucks, but make him change.

    Some guys arent ready to be dads, especially at 22, yikes thats a scarry thought! Im sure its been alot more than he or you were ready for.

    But relationships take alot of work on both parts, maybe he is doing things you dont see? Does he still work to support you and the baby?

    You are going to have to sacrifice alot in the next 18+years...he will 2, but dealing with him being a new dad is going to have to be a sacrifice just as much as having a new kid. It sucks, but kids change people...bring out alot in people...and can really change a relationship. Staying together and just grunting though the first few years is just something you might have to do...wether its hard or not (yea it will be hard).
     
  5. JustaMeThang

    JustaMeThang New Member

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    Well, if you had no sex drive before you got married then your hubby knew what he was gettin into. He knew that he was goin to be young and sexual married to someone who is not. I dont think its fair of him to start complainin now. Hey, he can still try but it shouldnt come to the point of bein harressed for nook.

    Have you tried goin to a doctor and seein if its a harmonal thing? They have a pill for everything. Im sure some nook would improve the marriage a bit. Both of you will be just a little bit 'happier'.

    Now, if he isnt bein a father, that is a far bigger problem then your lack of sex drive. Perhpahs now its at the point where he feels that you arent givin him what he wants/needs therefore he wont give you what you want/need. Either way, its no excuse to be a bad or adsent father. To some people, sex is very impoerant and things dont feel 'right' unless their sex life is healthy. I,for example, require intimacy from my BF on a regular basis. Even if things arent 100%, that intimacy brings us to a place where we are reminded just how close we are. Maybe you need that kind of reconnection?

    Listen, if you will always not have a sex drive, this may always be an issue. It wont just go away as you have learned over the last 6 months. One of 3 things will happen. Your hubby will have to accept that and find means to satify himself. 2-You will research the problem and find somethin to aid your sexual appetite and both of you can enjoy eachother mutually, 3-Your hubby will not be able to accept the absence of sex nor be able to come to an udnerstandin with you and you will have to split. Id try the harmonal treatment, but Id definitly activly persue some sort of treatment or plan to try to raise my sex drive. If after tryin, you have no success, then see if he is willlin to accept no nook along with no hostility. If not, then you both may be better off with other people. DOnt get me wrong, sex isnt all things to all people, but to some, its a very important aspect of a reltionship.....
     
  6. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    wow, lots of issues to respond to:
    First off, he is a good dad, he is a lot better now with his patience and understanding that she is a baby, and not able to understand much yet. He is very kind to her and spends time with her, playing, entertaining, etc, he just doesnt change diapers or feed her very often. I know he loves her and is very supportive of her already (which is good).
    and yes, he is working to help support the family. He works very hard (lately about 60 hours a week and is home by 6pm to be able to spend time with our daughter and myself)
    I have pretty much always been like this sexually, though I must admit, it has gotten gradually worse over the last 2 years or so. He tries to be understanding, I think, but its just too much for him. He got mad at me the other night and told me off about how I never hold his hand, or give him hugs, or anything like that and explained that intimacy is more than just an occasional bj, or bi-monthly (or less) sex.
    I have talked to a dr, but didnt really get much out of it. I dont really want to take drugs to 'force' myself into a sexual being. If Im not sexual, shouldn't he just accept it?
     
  7. frpSpore

    frpSpore New Member

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    No. If you won't provide regularly for his sexual needs, don't bitch when he takes on a mistress. Actually, maybe this is something the two of you should talk about, seriously.
     
  8. illmatix

    illmatix Diamond Studded Member OT Supporter

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    Well, if he's not fatherly shouldn't you just accept it?
     
  9. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    Is that really a fair comparison? Isn't it his job to be a good father? Why would I want to keep my daugter around him if he isn't doing her any good?
    thats another thing, when I told him I was leaving he told me I could not 'kidnap' 'his' daughter. He doesn't care for her like I do?! That really upset me, that he would even say such a thing.
     
  10. S4Driver

    S4Driver New Member

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    How many people did you have sex with before you got married?
     
  11. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    none. We have been together since Jan.01. married since nov.02.
     
  12. Original

    Original OT Supporter

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    I think you two should have a long talk about caring for this baby before talking about sex drives here. When a baby is involved, he shouldnt be worried about having sex everyday still. I think that's your biggest issue here. You two might need counseling if it gets bad because I can see you're both frustrated on the issue and divorce is the last thing you want for your baby.

    As for the sex drive.. there's not much you can do hun. He knew what he was getting himself into. As shallow as it may sound, sexuality plays a very important role in some people. You may not see it as people with high sex drives do, but it may sometimes feel like you are starved of an emotion. You two have a kid, though! Kids literally change people, it just takes time to set it. Give everything a chance, you may have some work to do. :hs:
     
  13. Tornado6

    Tornado6 When the wind set down in funnel form and pulled y

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    Being divorced with children is not a whole lot easier than being married with children. Unless one partner is abusive, under the influence, or totally absent, you still have all of the same issues of parenting and raising a healthy child, plus the additional responsibilities associated with co-parenting. It is NOT a cake walk by any means. It is NOT easier than trying to make your marriage work.

    It sounds like you could both really use some time talking with someone about all of your issues. I know first hand that having a child young can breed resentment between partners, and your marriage will not survive that. You are picking each other apart piece by piece instead of working as a team. Going together to talk to someone can really help the two of you figure out how to grow into the parents and partners you really want to be.

    As far as the sex goes, I believe that it is a critical aspect of a romantic relationship. What distinguishes your significant other from your friends? Partly that you sleep together. Physical intimacy is extremely important. Your husband has asked for you to hold his hand. Apparently you are holding back physical affection, not just bedroom activities. By the same token, your husband should be doing some of the work involved in raising your daughter, not just the fun stuff.

    Making a marriage work takes work on the part of both partners.

    You may wind up in the same situation as I did, with a partner who was absolutely unwilling to do anything for years, who eventually winds up like a dead limb that needs to be amputated. Hopefully that is not your situation. You are already discussing leaving, so hoepfully he realizes the gravity of the situation and agrees to work with you. (Yes, this means you have to work and change too, it is a two way street.)
     
  14. Mikey

    Mikey This one, this form I hold now, so Wide eyed and h

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    Let's get some details...

    1. How often do you "give in" and have sex?
    2. How often does he "bug" you for it?
    3. Why do you group holding hands and being affectionate with "being bugged for sex"?


    Even though it doesn't seem fair, he is probably withholding from helping you because you don't seem concerned with "helping" him. I've been there. While my wife was on BC she had such a low sex drive and it of course bugged the hell out of me. We had quite a few arguments about it and it always caused tension. It got to the point that if she wanted me to do something for her I would brush it off and not do it because I felt "why should I do soemthign for you, when you won't do something for me". When it comes to a woman withholding sex, that is how guys start to think after a while. I eventually got used to the lack of sex.

    Then my wife stopped the BC pill and she became a nympho again. I at this point had adjusted my sex drive to the point where I hardly wanted it and then it was a complete role reversal.

    The fact that you don't even want to hold his hand or be affectionate is probably leaving him feeling like "why bother". He probably feels that the baby gets all of your attention and you have nothing left to give him in teh relationship.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2005
  15. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    good advice tornado, thank you. to answer Mikey's questions.

    1. Maybe once every other month, or less. Although I try to 'service' him about once a week or so (about 3-4 times a month) and he recriprocates the favor without question.
    2. Pretty much everynight he attempts to get close to me, he normally gives up after a few rejections, but sometimes won't give up as easily.
    3. I just am not an affectionate person, and he told me that the affection he is wanting is even as simple as holding hands, hugs, etc...
     
  16. S4Driver

    S4Driver New Member

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    Yeah I figured this was the case (not saying that to be a dick :)) I am telling you this from a guys experience. I have had g/fs that were not that into sexing when we first started. Most of these were girls that hadn't had too many partners, or just outta highschool and didn't know that sex is more than a dude getting a nut and stopping. After sexing for a month or so, these girls would become the complete opposite! I suspect that if you tried to get more into it, that in time it would be more enjoyable and you would want it more. Just a thought though...
     
  17. Mikey

    Mikey This one, this form I hold now, so Wide eyed and h

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    1. so you will give him head and let him go down on you, but won't have intercourse? :confused:

    2. get close? like snuggle or pressuring for sex?

    3. god just open up a little bit and be affectionate to you husband. Honestly you should be happy that he is not looking elsewhere for the affection you are denying him. would it kill you to give him a hug when he gets home or to snuggle with him while watching tv? You should be glad to have someone that cares for you.
     
  18. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    1. Its easier, and I just do it to appease him, plus it hurts when we do have intercourse (most likely from the infrequency)
    2. When he snuggles, he eventually turns it into more, trying to get in my shirt, and pants, etc...
    3. He always tries to turn it into more. He says its because I "never show him affection so when I do its his thought that he is finally going to get some" etc...
     
  19. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    Hmmm maybe I was wrong, maybe you should just seperate. I dont think any man deserves a wife thats going to get pissed because he is so turned on by her.
     
  20. HaileyGrace

    HaileyGrace Guest

    I'm sorry you feel that I am 'pissed'. I'm just tired of arguing with him over the same things... over and over, with no changes...
     
  21. S4Driver

    S4Driver New Member

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    But he wants things (changes) too, just as you do. Am I wrong?
     
  22. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    You must be? If you are angry when he advances on you...you ARE his wife. You are there not only as his life partner but his love. Physically and emotionally. If you get upset by his being turned on by you and expecting more, ya know, FROM HIS WIFE. Then you either have a twisted and distorted view of reality, or you 2 just do not need to be together.

    I would say that would be bad for the kid, but hoenstly with you inability to show emotion even toward your husband, you certainly wont have a loving family environment. How long till you get tired of your kid wanting a hug? or needing attention for things?
     
  23. illmatix

    illmatix Diamond Studded Member OT Supporter

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    How is it not a fair comparison? You expect him to change to make your life better, but you refuse to change or even try to change to make his life better. If it's his "job" to be a good father, then it's your "job" to be a good wife. It sounds like he's making a big effort and you're wallowing in your own misery and blaming him for it. I feel sorry for the poor guy.
     
  24. Big Red

    Big Red New Member

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    well i kinda had that problem after my hubby and i were dating for just a few months. except i was the one who had the high sex drive. and we would argue constantly about it. i finally just let him start initiating everything, adn things calmed down. I do feel that the physical part of a relationship is the only thing that seperates him from being just a friend. He thinks that i asociate sex with love, and that could not be more off , I just like to f***
     
  25. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    :werd: Sounds like he has already put up with alot. His decision to begin with, I am sure he had hoped for more out of his marriage.
     

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