2 1/2 years and no more =\

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by xkenshinx, Feb 12, 2006.

  1. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    well me and my gf of 2 1/2 years just broke up last night. she was my first gf ever too. im 19 and she's turing 18 in a couple weeks.it really sucks, and i know most of you willl say im stil young and whatnot and i got a lot of life ahead of me so i shouldnt be down, but i really dont know what to do. i really want to see her right now and i can stop thinking about her.

    she said that she didnt like the way i was treating her and she didnt want to be with me anymore. i dont know exactly what i did though, so im really confused. we had a lot of talks about me and her and i decided we'd try to change. so i've been trying and she still isnt happy.

    So it happened like this, we were watching the opening ceremony for the olympics and suddenly she is all sad and i ask her what's wrong. so she tells me she is tired and i tell her to go take a nap, then she starts crying and i ask her whats wrong and she tells me its nothing. so after asking her a few times and her refusing to tell me, i ask her if she wants to be with me still, and she replies with a 'not really.'

    So then we start talking and she says she's not happy anymore. i think she needs to give it a little more time though because im still trying to change to make her happy. she then suggests that we see each other too much and says to limit seeing each other to 2 days a week. i didnt like the idea of restricting our relationship like that so i declined and she said if i cant agree, then she wants to break up.

    Once she decides that we're breaking up she says she has to go home because its late so she leaves and i just go to bed. i havent gotten out of bed ever since because i cant get myself to do anything. what am i to do? should i call her and tell her to rethink it over? maybe last night was just too heated? or just leave it be and try to move on, which i probably wont be able to do. =\
     
  2. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    It's only been one day, it's normal to be sad and confused after a long relationship. There is, however, no point in staying in bed all day. You'll just end up thinking about her all the time and then getting really depressed.

    Get out and do something YOU like, go hang out with your friends, go play some sport, go for a run or to the gym etc. Just get busy so you'll have less time to think about her.
     
  3. Tiberium

    Tiberium Active Member

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    ^:werd: go to the gym. running gets you "high". Even if it is temporary you will feel much better. I always do.
     
  4. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Sucks. Sorry to hear it. However, the whole thing about you having to change is utter and complete bullshit. You should tell her that she needs to accept you for who you are.

    Now, as far as you treating her mean but you not knowing, I dunno about that. Me, personally, I think there are three main traits a man must have to keep a woman. They are:

    Self-confidence (i.e, not jealous, not desperate, not kissing her ass all the time)
    Self-Control (i.e., not losing your temper, not driving like a prick, not scaring her)
    Challenge (i.e., not a boring person who does the same thing every day, every week, every year.)

    You may want to read some articles I wrote on my new site and they may give you some insight as to what you're doing wrong:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=17

    In the meantime, might I *strongly* suggest you do not call her. If she does call, keep the call light-hearted, short, and let her know you're going out and cannot talk long.
     
  5. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    i kind of just want to sit down and talk to her about it though. for closure maybe, i dont know. is that a bad idea? :(
    there was one thing i didnt mention in my original post. my ex said i was restrictive because i disapproved of her hanging out with strictly guy friends. i know that that is my fault for being like that, but its something that makes me really uncomfortable.

    edit: i talked to a few of my friends and i decided to call her. i wanted to see her to talk to her and settle things. she didnt pick up so i left a messege saying that i want to talk it out before making any rash decisions. i think im going to try to compromise with her. any advice OT?

    and as for the comment telling me she should accept me for who i am. she said i've changed from when we first met, which is a little more than 3 years ago. she wants me to be the same guy as i was 3 years ago.
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2006
  6. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    going to have a chat with her right now, wish me luck =\
     
  7. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    This is impossible, there is more of an underlying problem than that excuse she gave you. As people grow and get older they are going to change. Your priorites change your life changes etc etc. Either she accepts them and deals with them in an adult manner or she can do as she did and give you an excuse that youve changed and she cant deal with it.

    I am a completely different person than I was 3 years ago, hell I am a different person than I was 6 months ago. Life is about change and how you adapt to it. When I broke up with my first bf I wrote a 1 page letter to him explaining why I was breaking up with him. I even did it about a month before prom/grad of my senior year. That was completely uneccesary I should have just said that we are not bf/gf anymore becuase of the differences between us goodbye. This was the first time I had ever had to do that and the way I did it was so completely high school.

    Leave her alone and live your life go to the gym go out with your friends. You sound like you in your either just about to graduate high school or about a year out. This is an extreme time of transitition for just about everyone that goes through it. Relax and find a woman not a girl a woman that can deal with life, but not right away take time to be single and mend the broken heart.
     
  8. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    im actually in my second year of college. the thing is, i had a close knit group of friends in high school, and now they're all in college far away, and being new to college, i dont have many close friends i can hang out with really. i only have her. i go to the gym, i play tennis, i study, but after all that's done, i got nothing left to do really. im not good at socializing so parties and stuff arent my thing.

    but anyways, i talked to her, and after a long long talk, we decided we'd try to compromise, i give a little and she gives a little. we're just going to see how it goes for a while and if our relationship will be stronger. i thought it was a good and mature way to go about it so i'll just see how it goes.

    and to shortcake, thats a very good point, everyone changes and i cant go back to who i was 3 years ago. i think i will try explaining that to her and see how she responds. thanks.

    thanks for all the input everyone, i appreciate it.
     
  9. Local12hand

    Local12hand New Member

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    well good to hear that she is rationalizing with you cause some times girls get a little weird when they are in these situations. I have been with my girl on and off for three and a half years, so I am all to familiar with this shit. My girl also likes to hang out with a male based crowd and that is my downfall also because of the fact that we are men and know how we are most of the time when we see attractive females. If you can get the relationship patched up, letting her do what she wants is the best policy cause she will be more attracted to you knowing you are more sure of yourself. And ultimately it will be her choice to be with another guy and so far she wants to be with you, so to worry about that is kinda stupid. I only say these things cause I have been battling the same stuff for awhile and letting her hang out with who she wants makes her respect me more for the person I am.
     
  10. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    thats a very good point local. its just the crowd of males she hangs out with, i think may be a bad influence and i feel it would be best if she didnt or something, i dont know. but i guess what you say does make sense and i should try to loosen up a bit too. what if the guy friend is someone who like says bad stuff about you though? would you still be ok with her hanging out with him? or if they're the type you KNOW are like not going to be good for her? like no priorities of their future whatsoever? and i dont want her to be like that you know? just some questions, thanks.
     
  11. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Well, I know this is too late, but I would not have called her. Seriously, you are acting desperate which will give her the upper hand here. That's something I don't think you want, she's already got an upper hand.

    Yeah bad idea, closure is BS. You want to try to convince her to get back together. I know it, you know it, and she knows it. Start telling yourself the truth.

    Yeah, no shit! You're uncomfortable because she is not with you. This is an OBVIOUS problem and the reason why you're having problems is because these other guys are showering attention on her, flirting with her, and maybe even fucking her. The fact that she spends time with other men means she is getting more out of them than she is with you. This is a HUGE red flag. She is LITERALLY telling you that she does not want to be with you. If my SO told me that, I'd tell her "Great, pack your crap and get out. I'm glad I found out now than after we were married."

    Now, speaking of marriage, you say you've been together for 3 years? I bet she's ready to move on since you're not making a firm commitment. Are you engaged? Probably not, but that is probably part of the reason why she moved on. And make no mistake, she's gone for good. You should check out this article I wrote:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4

    Don't leave messages like that. Compromise? That's like saying "I'm going to let her kick me in the teeth, but only once." Why would you do that? She needs to prove to YOU that she wants to be with you. Otherwise you are giving her every reason to walk all over you. It's really ugly, in my opinion, that you think you deserve to be treated like this. Sure, you've been together for a long time, and care about her, but she's being disrespectful to you in a BIG way, and that just does NOT fly in my book. You have to tell her something along the lines of "Hey, screw this compromise stuff. I won't tolerate being made a fool of. If you want to hang out with other men, great, you go do that, but don't expect me to stick around and take a beating from you. People must think I am some idiot who doesn't know what's going on, and I won't allow that. So, make your decision, but you need to understand that I believe you can only put energy into one relationship - either with me or with those other guys." Besides, she seems to be the one who has changed. SHE'S the one not spending time or effort on you, so why would you reward her for that.

    Ugh. I'm mad thinking about this, sorry for going off!

    Granted this may be true, she is making excuses. Of course, excuses are a woman's way of ending things. However, if you've gone from being fun to hang out with to a boring stay-at-home and watching TV all the time, then she's right. You cannot be boring.

    Me? I think this is over. You're acting like she is your mother and can treat you however she wants. This is NOT true. You are a man, you have to act like a mature man, you have to act like the father figure at times. You get to set some rules and boundries, and for me ... hanging out with other men is a BIG boundry that does not get crossed.

    So, whatcha going to do now?
     
  12. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    well i dont know how you come up to such generalizations to say she probably flirts/fucks other guys just by me telling you she hangs out with males more than females. i dont think thats the case, but it still makes me uncomfortable. im still going to see what happens for the next month with us before i, or she, makes any rash decisions. i do appreciate your input and advice though, thanks.

    and of course we're not engaged, im only 19 and she's almost 18, thats a little bit too young to be thinking about such things. i mean we've talked about it, but we know we're going to wait until we're out of school or something. me not proposing is probably not the issue here. however, can you give me somethings to bring up to her as to why opposite sex friendships are so uncomfortable for me? she seems to think im being ridiculous for thinking so, so maybe just so suggestions as to what i can tell her. thanks.
     
  13. ndnxtc

    ndnxtc New Member

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    Trust her.
     
  14. Local12hand

    Local12hand New Member

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    Sorry it took me so long to get back with you. As for your question about the worthless guys she is hanging out with, I think if you do what I told you and suck it up for awhile she will notice in the long run that you are the one that makes her happy. And the fact that they are stupid should make it easier for you to ignore the fact that she is going to leave you for that trash. If she leaves you for someone like that, think about whether you really want to be with her.
     
  15. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    ok, will do. thanks a lot everyone. maybe i'll update my status in a month or so hah. i'll keep everything in mind though and try it everything out.
     
  16. Gladiator

    Gladiator Guest

    I think that you're too good for her...but unless you did something really wrong, I dont see why she would feel that way. I feel like I am in her position, but I KNOW why I'm there. But if you honestly think shes not giving you a good reason...then I don't see how it can work unless she changes her mind about the whole thing. AND Seeing each other too much? Twice a week is not a lot ... I doesn't make sense to me.
     
  17. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    My take on this is that (1) if she had a high interest level in you, she'd spend the time with you (2) if it makes you uncomfortable, you're probably right about something not being right and you need to trust your gut [so many guys don't, but they are right!] and (3) she's putting herself in situations where other guys can easily hit on her, flirt with her, tempt her, and that is what I call "Putting yourself in a bad situation" which leads to cheating. You just have to pay attention to that. A woman who really liked you would not want to spend any time with any other guys - I mean, come on, if you liked her a whole lot, would you go spend time with other women, especially after she said it made her uncomfortable? Not likely, because you know it's disrespectful. So she's being disrespectful. In my opionion, women communicate with actions and not words. So her actions are telling me she does not want to be with you. What does that mean to you? That's something you have to decide.

    Oh yeah, you're way too young. Not an issue.

    Yeah, just tell her that if she likes you so much (as much as she says) then why does she need to spend time with other men? You don't need to spend time with other women, and you know if you did that sooner or later someone is going to start flirting, and it all goes downhill from there.

    Besides, does she invite you along? No? Why not? What is she hiding? Does she act different if you do go along (i.e., not having as much fun?) That means she's lying to you about her behavior with these guys. I'll hang out with other women with my SO, and I'll have just as much fun with her there. Plain and simple, I have nothing to hide. But go out alone with anoter woman? It's highly unlikely, unless it was work related. I'd rather spend the time with my SO than a stranger.
     
  18. suckafuhreak

    suckafuhreak New Member

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    im with local12hand all the way on this one. what he said i did a while back. lol. weird. i got my gf back after 1 year of separation. so do what he said. =)
     
  19. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

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    This is alot to read, so I read only about half... If you don't learn to trust your girl friend and learn to give her the personal life that she deserves you will never be able to keep a girl for longer than a year or two. Been there done that. Grow up.
     
  20. TNFlyBoy

    TNFlyBoy F =/= ma?? wtf??

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    i'd just like to echo what people have been saying in here so far, you shouldn't change who you are just because someone wants you to, that will come around to bite you in the ass EVERY time. if the girl that you're with thinks you need to change something other than something trivial, like putting the seat down, or vice versa, then odds are it's NOT going to work. but the beauty in that is that there is a TON of other girls out there and you being 19, i assume u might be in college right now, in which case, walk around at about noon on the campus... you'll realize that bringing a girlfriend to college is like bringing food to an all you can eat buffet ;)

    and Poco, i've read through most of your site and i really dig it, it seems really insightful for the dating challenged :) keep it up man!
     
  21. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    hi again, heh.
    im here to ask poco some questions so i hope he reads this.
    uhm the opposite sex friendship thing, what if she had the guy friends before she met me? is it stupid of me to still be uncomfortable with herr hanging out with them?
    i recently just told her that if she's with me she shouldnt feel the need to spend time with other guys alone, and told her thats the way i feel at least. i dont feel the need to even associate with other women since i have her already. i dont know though, its not even so much the fact that they're guys, its just they're not the best crowd to hang out with thats more the problem anyways. just lookin for some input, thanks
     
  22. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I'm 50-50 on that, personally. It's good when your woman has male and female friends, it's bad - in my opinion - when you don't get invited along to go out with them, or you do and they act noticibly akward in front of you (like they can't be themselves.)

    Me, personally, I don't hang out with other women alone. It just leaves too many questions open, people get insecure, and then shit falls apart.

    Just my take on it. ;)
     
  23. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    well what if it was her hanging out with like a bunch of other guys and one other girl, because thats usually the case, she tells me there's always one other girl there too. but its like 8 other guys there. just doesnt make me very comfortable knowing that, even though i know she was friends with them before. they're just so immature and, well, stupid -_- she doesnt ask me to go along because she says she knows i dont like them.
     
  24. xkenshinx

    xkenshinx New Member

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    hmm well she just told me today that she just got accepted to UCD. so she's going away for college. meaning long distance. now i really dont know how its going to work out. she said it'll be better like it but i dont know. i told her how i'd like it if she could have stayed here but she doesnt want to. =\ what do i do? just see how it goes long distance or what?
     
  25. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    unless you are ready for a serious committed relationship then break up with her. She sounds like she is not ready for that. I have been doing a ldr for about a yr and 7 or 8 months. Its one of the hardest things but I believe the person I am with if faithful to me and I am faithful to him and we have things going for us. School gets in the way of everything. I think since the beginning of the year have seen my bf 3 times (once I was doped up on pain killers after a surgery so that might not count), he works full time and I work part time and go to school for 15 hours. Our schedules are completely opposite of each other, im days hes nights. If your both not willing to work at it then stay away. She's going to end up breaking your heart again I can just about guarantee it. Do you want to go through that agian?
     

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