SRS 15yo nephew reaching out for help....

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BadKat, Apr 3, 2009.

  1. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    And I'm not really sure what to do :wtc: I apologize ahead of time if this goes long (as I'm sure it will).

    I have 3 nephews, one of whom is 15. This particular nephew and I are very close. Extremely close, actually, as I would do absolutely anything for this boy. His Mother (my Sister), is a complete psycho bitch and no, I'm not exagerrating. She honestly needs mental help and as of tonight, our parents (despite the fact that she's in her 30's) are thinking about having her involuntarily committed if they can find a way to do it.

    J, my Sister, and I had a huge blowout today, which isn't related to this but does impact it. J has 3 kids, 16, 15 & 9. The 9yo, J, is a very spoiled child who gets whatever she wants, doesn't have to do anything and is very much babyied. The 16yo acts like he's 12 and drives the majority of the family up the wall. He seriously lacks social skills. But Z, the 15yo, is a very well mannered, normal teen. My Sister, however, tries to baby all 3 kids, then yells at the older two because they aren't "maturing" and behaving responsibly.

    Today, after the big blow out my Sister, myself and my parents had (my parents had it with her too), I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be seeing the kids any time soon. However, I had already made plans with Z to take him to dinner (Sushi which no one else in the family will take him for) as a birthday present, just him and I. I was pretty sure my Sister wouldn't let me take him, however, she did. And it was after dinner that he dropped this bombshell.

    He told me that he's been seeing his Guidance Counselor at school practically daily. He was once in the Giften Program and now is pulling in D's. He and his mom fight constantly, mostly because she tells him he's lazy, he's direspectful, he gives her too much grief, he doesn't pull his weight around the house (I asked my parents and they disagree, he's a VERY respectful and helpful kid). And then....he asked if he could come live with me.

    I'm married with a 4yo. I also live 3,000+ miles from the rest of the family due to the fact that my SO is in the Military. I have the room, I have the means, I have the desire. In the state that he lives in, at 13, you can state where you want to live. He's 15. He already doesn't talk to his father and now that things are extremely strained with his Mom, it's affecting him significantly. He's become withdrawn, his grades are dropping and I can see he's hurting. I told him he's welcome in my home, anytime, for any length of time, whenever he wants. Meaning, even if it's just for a week and it's 6 years from now, or 2 months from now indefinitly.

    I'm just not sure what to do. He's hurting and I feel that because he came to me, I have to do something. I discussed it with my parents (his Grandparents) and they told me that if he talks to his Mom and she tells him that he can't live with me, that if I decide to file for custody, that they would back me up. But if she denies him, is that really the right thing to do? Force it? I mean, it is what he wants, but do I dare go to these extremes? And if I do file for custody, how much will the fact that I live in another state, clear across the country and my Husband's being in the Military and our subsequence moving affect it all? Do I file in the state he's in, or do I file in the state I live?

    I'm just so confused right now as to how to go about things if she tells him no (as we're all pretty sure that she will). Does anyone have any suggestions?

    Update:
    My Sister found out and flipped lid, big time. Since then, she's taken him to the doctor, said these are all symptoms of his head injury from last year (Interestingly enough, no one even knows WHERE he got this last and most dangerous concusions. Hmmm, anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?). She had him call me up, her standing there with him, to have him apologize to me for putting me in the middle of all this, saying "I should have gone to my mom and talked with her about all the issues I was having", which just didn't sound like him. He sounded defeated. I told him that I was NOT angry with him, I was worried about him and that my offer still stood (after I asked if my Sister was standing right there, to which is applied in the affirmative). My Sister then relayed through him that she wants me to have no contact with them (her or the kids). Unfortunately, I just can't do that. I love all three of them too much.

    After a long conversation with my StepMom (my Sister's Bio-Mom, we're 1/2 Siblings tho my Sisters are older - long story) she told me how she had wanted to take me from my own Mother at age 8. But due to my Father's lack of motiviation in regards to this, she has to sit on her hands and do nothing until I came to them. I asked her if that meant she felt I should do nothing and she responded "No. I think you definitly need to help him. You need to take him". She reassured me that, should Z come to her and ask for her help in getting everything legally rolling to come live with me, she would do it.

    My Husband and I have decided we will NOT file for custody. Z is old enough in both states (WA where we live and PA where he lives) to legally be able to do this on his own. His Guidance Counselor (who said that moving with us would be good for him) can assist him in this is Z goes and asks for help. In PA, there's a couple of different ways he can do it. So due to his age, we're not filing for custody, but we are preparing ourselves for his arrival. I've also gotten some recommendations for Neurologists at the University of Washington that come highly recommended, as well as a couple at Children's Hospital of Seattle. I've gotten the names of a few Counselors as well, as Counseling is a requirement for him to live with us. He's been and is going through, a lot. I'm not qualified to help him sort through all of his issues.

    My Parents also plan on helping him, either by getting him into my custody, or keeping him in their home until he can come and live with me. But there's been no contact since the last phone call.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2009
  2. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    I'm also a mother. But how to do simply walk away from a member of your own family who's desperately seeking your help? And losing him to me (if you want to call it that) is certainly not the worst thing in the world because he'd be with family (his aunt & cousin) and he'd still have contact with everyone in his family as opposed to what happens when a parent sucks at parenting, gets her kid taken away and put into foster care.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2009
  3. MR. Marti

    MR. Marti New Member

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    get the kid into your home. He is at an age where things like this will guide his life down the wrong path. He needs to be taken out of the situation right away. If he was doing well in school and suddenly pulling D's and being put down in his own home.. those are clear signs that there are serious issues.

    give him a chance to live a normal life, give him a chance to shine.
     
  4. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    Tough situation. On both ends. On one point you feel horrible for not helping this kid, but on another point, you probably realize your sister will never forgive you for taking her baby away.

    Sucks. Best of luck.
     
  5. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    Honestly, help him. I wish I'd had anyone who would have helped me when I was in a shitty situation like that as a kid. It's caused me horrible problems as a result. The fact that he's come to you probably means it's 10x worse than he's actually letting on because I know I pretty much had a take it on the chin approach and it sounds like he probably does too.

    I'd try and avoid filing for custody, the resulting mess may be too much for him to deal with. It sounds like there isn't any love in his home so do everything you can just to show him that you care. It doesn't have to be big things, a hug, a pat on the back, if he does well, congratulate him, positive reinforcement is so necessary as a kid.

    You may not even think about it because it just seems so natural but coming from a situation like that where you lack positive reinforcement or are torn down by people who are supposed to care, it creates a self loathing and complete lack of confidence that is really hard to break. It is something that I'm still struggling with even today (I'm 20).

    He sounds like a smart, nice kid, and you can change his life for the better and help to set him up properly emotionally. Another thing that I'd suggest is try to find a good male role model for him. My father died when I was ten and one of the biggest problems was that I didn't have an older male figure or role model in my life. Even small details like learning how to shave, tying a tie, things like that are a big deal as a boy.

    If you have any questions, I'm more than happy to help, just send me a PM and I'll try and give you what is probably a pretty close perspective to his.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2009
  6. 12xalt

    12xalt petrolsexual

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    I think I'd rather have the sister's scorn and a kid who is with people who love him, than to let him stay with her. She's an adult, she's made her choices. It sounds like he doesn't want his life dragged down and destroyed by those poor choices. Help him help himself, that sounds like what he's trying to do.
     
  7. Mischievous

    Mischievous E8 group drawn in 64' by Peter McMullen

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    If you have the means and desire than help the kid, he needs it. It sounds as though the biggest issue will be dealing with your sister. Honestly this feels like a moot question, if the desire and means to help outweigh the social and financial costs of the fight then do it.

    I really wish you the best of luck, trying to deal rationally with a "psycho bitch" can be long and frustrating, I truly hope everything works out to the best advantage of the teen.
     
  8. B4 I FU R U 18

    B4 I FU R U 18 Active Member

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    communicate this with the kid. sounds like a terirble situation for the kid.
     
  9. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    I feel bad for that kid :sad2: but your sister is the parent you would probably have to take her to court and prove she's a shitty parent and you deserve custody of your nephew, but then what about the other 2 kids its a tough spot b/c what do you do about them?

    Or you can plain out ask her if he can come live with you for a while maybe she'll surprise you and say yes, she sounds like one of these people that never really wanted to be a parent in the first place so she might be glad to have one less kid on her hands :dunno:
     
  10. Xavier

    Xavier There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your

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    Help him.

    If it's come to the point where he's reaching out - He really does need out. ;\
     
  11. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    Thanks everyone. I find that the majority here is just reaffirming the decision I've already made.

    My parents have already mentioned that they would back me up even if it comes to court. I am not concerned with my Sister's scorn, anger or anything else. In fact, my oldest sister has no contact with her unless they happen to run into each other at our parents or Grandparents house. They've managed to live in the same area for the last 13 years without really having any kind of relationship.

    As far as a Male Rolemodel, I'm married. I think my Husband would be a wonderful rolemodel for Z. Plus, I have some great guy friends who would be great with him.

    As far as the other 2 kids, my door would never be closed to them. However, I don't believe D, the eldest, would do well in my house. Z will be just fine because he and I are very similar, but D would have some serious issues with the rules of our house (mostly, not being allowed to sit online all day and night chatting with his internet girlrfiend). J, the youngest, is the apple of her mother's eye and can do no wrong. It just seems the middle kid is the one catching all the heat and flack and having a pretty shitty time. I don't even know what exactly is going on in that house, but I've learned a bit more.

    My Sister's boyfriend apparently does a lot of drinking. And I'm not talking he has a beer or two after work. He abuses Ambien and other prescription drugs and then will go on benders, especially after going a period of time without drinking. And he's a mean drunk. My Sister is a hypochondriac who takes the kids for every little sneeze and sniffle, automatically thinking Pneumonia or something really bad.

    My house is much calmer. One dog, as opposed to 3. One kid, who's very well behaved, as opposed to 2 others and anyone else they bring home. I also live in a very quiet section of Seattle. And Z had a head injury last year that could have killed him. I think that the chaos of his house is prohibiting him from making a full recovery.

    I guess I have a very long road ahead of me...
     
  12. Deadhead9150

    Deadhead9150 Banned

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    You said your husband was in the military so I figured he was deployed :mamoru: Sounds like this will be good for him. It will be a long road for you, but just imagine how long it's going to be for him. Just remember that he probably feels like he's a burden and any sort of hint or even something that can be taken that way if you slip and say something like that he'll feel much worse about the situation. I'm sure he doesn't want to be a burden on anyone and feels like he is.
     
  13. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    You said the state he is in allows him to live wherever he wants...what exactly do you mean by that? I take it it isn't quite that simple or you wouldn't be mentioning courts and custody :dunno: If it is that simple then just have him pack his things and get him outta there. Do you think your sister would even bother to go through the effort of getting him back when it sounds like she doesn't even want him in the first place?
     
  14. JustJeff

    JustJeff www.youtube.com/thisisjustjeff

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    My situation in my household wasn't as extreme as you have just explained in your nephew's story, but I know what it's like to grow up in a house with very little love and lots of anger. However, my parents understood that I dreaded the moments in that house. When college came around, I told my parents I would not be coming home, and so far I have only been home for a few weeks during holidays and that is it.

    I have made a complete 180 in my personality, my sociability, and most importantly, my health. A healthy home creates a healthy child. If you can provide that for your nephew when he doesn't have one, do it. Most kids will not explain that discontent with a situation unless it is really bad. The fact that he came to you means that there is a lot you don't know about.

    Good for you.
     
  15. Mulsanne

    Mulsanne The Man = Funk Fusion Chaos

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    he said losing a kid to your brother would really hurt...which is what would happen to your sister....

    :mb: editing my posts? :wtf:
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2009
  16. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    tough situation. props for you
     
  17. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    It's a little more complicated than just having him pack his bags, but in court proceedings, his desires after the age of 13 have the most pull. Now, if it was as simple as him moving from one parents house to another, it would be as simple as him packing up and going. However, not being a parent, makes it a little more difficult. Being a blood relative, having him state more than once that he has the desire to live with me, puts the favor on my side. It's not a matter of her being a shitty parent either. There's 2 ways to go about this. He can file himself (the best situation for everyone and the easiest route) with Children Services for a change in Guardianship due to a unstable domestic atmosphere/environment. Or, I can file with the State, fly back and forth duirn proceedings. In that case, the judge would take my nephew inside his chambers with both lawyers and talk to him. Find out what's going on, find out why he wants to live with me. Then my sister and I would each have to speak before the judge and state our claims and the reason each household is better than the other, or more conducive to his needs.

    Kudos to you. And yes, that's basically what happens. I was there myself. I was extremely unhappy living with my Mother and decided to move in with my Father. That was simple, but despite feeling like that for many many years, it wasn't until the situation was extremely desperate that I made the move. Fortunately, there was no need to get the courts involved.

    Today got really bad. My Sister discovered what's going on and flipped shit. Said I needed to stay the hell away from her kids. I told her to talk to her son and find out why he's feeling like this and she told me to mind my own fucking business. Said I was coniving behind her back (he was asking me questions and I was simply answering them and giving him advice if he's truly that unhappy). He and his guidance counselor have an appointment with his mother on the 13th to discuss it, but now that she knows I'm not sure how that will go over.

    I feel at a loss over what to do. I don't know how to proceed. Do I file if things don't go well with the Counselor? I don't want to let him down. I can't contact him as my Sister will interfere at every turn. My Mom thinks he'll eventually run away (hopefully come to my parents) from his Mom's as he did his Dad's already. My parents have already told me that they will back me up in court, if that's the route we take. My Husband was supposed to call me so we could talk, but I'm 3 hours ahead of him and his schedule with work gets changed on the fly constantly.

    Like I said...I'm in a limbo and not sure what to do.
     
  18. Gillzeebub

    Gillzeebub New Member

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    U mentioned in the beginning that the family was considering involuntary help for your sister.
    Have u considered perhaps some form of an intervention where by u try to help Z by creating a safe environment at home with his own mum?
    Obviously Z is a very clever young man to have decided himself that things arent great and reaching out for help shows volumes for his maturity surely if u could get his mum the help she needs (as obviously she needs some) the best situation for everyone would be to keep that family together.
    Ur a wonderful person and its such a horrible situation to try to make sense of. Trust u'll make the right one, best wishes.
     
  19. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    An intervention won't work. My Sister is refusing to speak to my parents as well.

    Yesterday I got a phone call from Z. I could tell he wasn't voluntarily saying what he was saying because of how he was souding so scripted and so unlike himself. He told me "I'm sorry I got you in the middle of all this. What I should have done was talk to mom first about all the problems I've been having and have her help me to work them out". I ask him if his Mom was standing right there and he said yes. I told him I wasn't mad at him, that I love him and that my offer still stands. My Sister says something and he says "Mom wants me to tell you that she still doesn't want you contact us anymore". I told him that he knows how to get me and again, my offer still stands.

    I got a text about 5 minutes later stating my Sister was gone, that she'd went to the store with his sister. I told him I was very leary and I didn't want to antagonize his Mom further, but that I loved him very much. Then I texted him and told him that my offer still stands (just reiterating it) and that his Uncle and I will support him no matter what his decision is.

    I think at this point I just need to sit tight and wait and see what he does/what happens.

    My Sister BF also asked me to get together with him to talk. He then tries to tell me that what Z is going through is classic head injury symptoms. I don't buy that at all. Neither do my parents.

    It's going to be tough for a while...but a lot of people have told me to go ahead and file this summer. That after comparing my household and living situation to hers, that as long as Z tells the judge that's where he wants to be, that it'll happen. :hsd:
     
  20. FurY

    FurY Fortune favors the bold... OT Supporter

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    Wow, I don't really have good advice to offer up so I apologize for that, just wanted to wish you and Z good luck with everything. I hope it all works out for him.
     
  21. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    It will be tremendous work taking care of a boy who is dealing with circumstances like that. I myself also took in a young kid who came from a similar circumstance.

    He was doing great, his grades went from F's to A's, he was communicating, we went to church together, camping trips, played football and after 4 years, he got into Pre-Med at UMASS. We were like brothers.

    2 months before leaving for school he sexually assaulted my girlfriend. I have not spoken to him since, or rather he has not spoken to me. I have been willing to assist him in getting help but he refuses to take responsibility. He admitted he did it when I confronted him, but has told everyone else it did not happen and has literally convinced people that "I" did "bad" things, that I'm the one with mental problems.

    My girlfriend entered therapy for many months and never filed charges. She is doing well now, it's been a year since the event.

    I'm telling you this -- not because I think the boy will do something this extreme, but rather it's not so simple. I was adequately prepared to take on the responsibility, but a nice boy isn't enough. He needs to enter therapy and you have to be prepared to put yourself and your family at risk caring for someone struggling with a past of this sort.

    If you choose to take on this enormous responsibility, I highly suggest you get him into counseling weekly. This is not a mess that can be cleaned up simply by removing the child from the acute circumstance. The legacy follows, and additionally, when a young child or teen is "very Mature for his age" -- beware. The sickest kids are often incredibly mature. It's not a positive thing when there are red flags like the things you've reported.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2009
  22. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    he needs counseling, and if I get guardianship and thus get him on the SO's insurance plan, the counseling will be fully covered. He desperately needs it, but his Mother also can't afford it. I can't afford to pay for it long-term out of pocket, but my insurance does cover it. That's also a stipulation to his coming to live with us - he gets help on every level that he needs.

    And I realize that it's not going to be simple and life will be easy and grand just because he comes to live with me. But I'm preparing myself for that.
     
  23. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Guys, stop antagonizing each other over reading comprehension and keep the topic on track.
     
  24. Crackaboy

    Crackaboy New Member

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    I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years back, and my uncle took guardianship of me

    Please help the boy, he desperately needs it. Poor guy :(
     
  25. BadKat

    BadKat GIVE ME WINE!!

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    I'm working on it. Like I said in my Update, due to his age, my SO and I don't feel we can file for custody, but he can certainly file with the state for a change in Guardianship.
     

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