SRS 13th Stepping

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by eligh, Jul 16, 2004.

  1. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    I've been going to meetings for about 6 months now, and feel rather confident in my recovery. However, I'm getting a little tired of the NA crowd in the meetings I regularly attend. So I think I am going to go on an AA crusade to meet some more young people, and mostly just to meet some girls my own age. Is it wrong for me to pursue girls with like a few weeks clean? When is it really deemed 13th stepping? I met this newcomer that has like 43 days clean, and she seems pretty cool so far. Anyway, I find more identification in NA, but I can still go to AA. I'm a pretty nice guy, and don't usually come on too strong, so I'm not too worried about it, although I've seen some pretty sick people that go to meetings JUST to hit on girls, sometimes girls they know have boyfriends. Anyway, my main question is, what is appropriate as far as meeting the opposite sex in places of recovery. Is it really wrong to go to AA meetings just to meet girls? I already get my recovery at my home group and a few other NA meetings, but I got a little extra time. How do those in recovery find the balance between being a prick 13th stepper (whom we'll call Gordi) and never meeting any girls. Thanks.
     
  2. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    I'd say its fairly subjective. 13th stepping occurs when you prey on girls by using your elitist recovery status and your recovery to hold over their inherent weaknesses and shortcomings / problems.

    You've got 6 months clean, right? So... if you're taking newcomers and saying 'hey there, check it out - i know about recovery. you need to hang out with these people, do these things, suck this part of my body, etc etc etc' then yea, you better check yourself. Or - if the only reason you go to meetings is to meet people (read: vulnerable girls) then thats a problem too.

    It comes down to putting yourself in their shoes. Are you helping them? Developing healthy relationships is helping people usually - but exploitation serves to spread the disease. Be careful.


    I don't have much more to say about 13th stepping. Demon of Dreams probably does :mamoru:

    Fazle renamed our forum "the thirteenth step" before he knew that it was a bad term...

    Welcome to the forum, eligh. :wavey:
     
  3. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    Shit I've never 13th stepped someone before... not that I wouldn't have liked to try with a few of them that have come into the meetings, but I never attempted to, and probably won't ever attempt to whenever i start going to meetings down here...

    but i guess i have my reasons ;)


    there are a lot of people who do it though, atleast they try to do it...
    then there are others who play captain save a ho :rofl:
     
  4. Demon Of Dreams

    Demon Of Dreams Feed me with lies and hate, and from that, I will

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    oh yeah, and welcome... its nice to see the forum slowly growing :hs:
     
  5. Nukegoat said it all. I couldn't have said it better myself. Great post Nuke.
     
  6. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Thanks mb :)

    I'd rather maintain moral integrity than have a laundry list of past sexual encounters...

    at least nowadays thats the case
     
  7. I certainly agree. While others may not - I believe recovery is about recovery [counseling, meetings, group sessions]. I try to keep a separation between the relationships I share with those who serve me in my recovery, and those who I am intimate with sexually, or personally.

    I've seen the result of sleeping with a therapist, of violating personal ethics in support groups. I've seen it time and time again, and the moral question always ends in the same consequence - a threat to recovery, and a loss of integrity in the individual who did such things.

    Who needs it? They say in A.A. not to enter into a romantic relationship for 1 year after enterting recovery, and I absolutely agree with that - and not only do I agree with that, but I agree one shouldn't enter a relationship romantically with another recovering alcoholic from their local meetings.

    They says "Don't shit where you eat." And that certainly applies to recovery. What wisdom!
     
  8. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    The 1 year rule is a fabrication of members... it makes sense but its certainly not part of the program as outlined by bill w.

    sometimes relationships with newcomers work out at local events... who knows? i personally choose not to, however.
     
  9. Yeah. :)
     
  10. karmastang

    karmastang New Member

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    I know of several people who met and married in A.A. It stands to reason that if you are spending a lot of time there and active in the fellowship, you will meet people. If both parties work a good program and aren't at meetings for the sole purpose of getting laid, it can work out quite well.
     
  11. goldenk10

    goldenk10 Guest

    13th stepping in the traditional sense has a very negative connotation. It is coloquially known among 12-steppers to be an instance when a member with any length of time preys on those who have less time/know less about the 12 step program. On this basis I think it is "wrong" and not in the spirit of recovery.

    Early recovery can be painful and lonely, but seeking out someone is the program(s) of the opposite sex is only a source for more addictive behavior and a distraction from steps, service and self. Although 13th stepping will continue to occur, I find it objectionable and try to lead by example through my actions (inaction).

    Also, if you are seriously considering 13th stepping someone. Think about the repurcussions it might have on the other person's recovery. They may have a very tainted view of 12 step recovery after being used for sex by a member of the fellowship. Just my .02
     
  12. Blue Apples

    Blue Apples New Member

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    Why are you wearing that stupid man
    Seek to practice honesty in ALL your affairs.

    Getting into any type of relationship with a person who is newly sober can be very destructive, especially for the girl. The focus needs to be on your recovery for at least the first year....that includes you.

    :) Good luck.
     

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