10 Causes of Falling in Love

Discussion in 'Archives' started by iwishyouwerebeer, Jul 16, 2008.

  1. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I'm reading the most fascinating book right now and there is a chapter on human emotions, attachment theory, how we fall in love, why we fall in love, etc. etc. I love stuff like this personally because they break it down in a simple matter-of-fact manner that is understandable. You all might not find it interesting but I thought I'd post what they deem "the 10 causes of falling in love." Figured there could be some decent discussion on the matter :dunno:

    1. Similarity
    There is strong empirical evidence that people tend to like other people who're similar to themselves in one or more important aspects. It might be a similar level of education, attitudes, a common interest, a similar family or religious background, social habits, personality, etc. There have been massive amounts of studies done now that tests couples to find they have almost or more things in common.

    There is also evidence fom psychological research that we like people better when they change to become similar to us. This can happen because those who change in order to to make other people happy are considered "nicer" than those who always try to make people happy-it's the gaining that promotes attraction, the earning of esteem rather than experiencing it from the first encounter.

    2. Desirable Characteristics of the Other
    Most studies of romantic attraction revealed that personality and appearance are two of the most important factors in engendering a feeling of attraction. One study found that more than 90% of the men and women interviewed about what caused them to fall in love mentioned a characterisitc of their partner's personality, with women mentioning personality traits as a crucial factor slightly more often than men. But when it came to appearance, 81% of men said they were attracted to the physical appearance of their loved one, while only 44% of the women were attracted to the appearance of their man.

    3. Reciprocal Liking
    Knowing that one is liked by the other appears to be one of the dominant factors in falling in love. When we feel good in the presence of a particular person we're more likely to develop feelings of attraction toward them. If you ask people about their experience of falling in love, over 90% will say that a major factor was discovering that the other person liked them. In other words, if you saw an attractive guy/girl and a friend mentioned to you that they liked you you'd ultimately almost always immediately start to become more interested in them and like them back, even if that guy/girl didn't speak with you, didn't know you and didn't even say that to your friend.

    4. Social Influences
    General social norms usually have a significant effect on falling in love, by screening out at an early age some possible candidates for affection. A simple example is age-it is more an exception, rather than the norm for someone to fall in love with a person who is very much older or younger than oneself, so even if someone finds a much older person interesting or attractive, the thought will already be in their mind, "what would people think about me if I pursue a relationship with this person?" Similarly, most cultures screen out many candidates for affection on racial grounds, with the result that a couple who might otherwise be candidates for falling in love will often eschew any form of relationship because one or both of them knows that it would be deemed unacceptable in their culture.

    The social approval or disapproval of those in one's social network, especially one's friends, can be an influence on whether or not one falls in love with a particular person, even if these influences are not culturally or racially biased.

    5. Filling Needs
    One of the stronger reasons for falling in love is need-the need for intimacy, closeness, for sexual gratification, for a family. In some cases the need can be for recognition from others-a gain in status, garnered as a result of having acquired a trophy partner. So when someone says "I love you" what they might actually mean is "I need you," their subconscious hiding from them the true reason for the feeling they have developed for the object of their "love." (this definitely reminds me of a certain VAGer)

    6. Arousal/Unusualness
    The situation in which one meets a potential love object can have a significant effect on whether a feeling of attraction develops. If one is aroused, even in a negative way, by a situation itself, that arousal can have a positive effect on one's feelings of attraction. Danger is one well-known example of this phenomenon.

    7. Specific Cues
    The object of one's love might possess some particular characteristic that creates an unusually strong feeling of initial attraction, such as a voice or physical feature that you find appealing, like the face, eyes, or shape of the body. These cases often give rise to the "love at first sight."

    8. Readiness for Entering a Relationship
    Some emotional states make us much more susceptible to falling in love than do others. If we are suffering from a particularly low self-esteem because one partner has just dumped us, we are ripe for starting a relationship "on the rebound." And a temporarily lowered level of self-esteem for other reasons can similarly be assuaged by a new relationship. Here again there is a need, but this time it's a need for the relationship itself rather than for what it might bring us.

    9. Proximity/Repeated Exposure
    Many studies have been done and show that proximity plays a HUGE part in how and why people get together. The closer you are to a person (in terms of distance) the more likely you are to meeting one another. One study done interviews 431 couples and found that 54% of them lives 16 blocks or less apart when they first started dating, 37% of the couples had 5 blocks or less of distance between them. As you can see (other than internet dating) we limit ourselves greatly in the fact that we only date those who are near us. In a way it seems silly to assume your "soul mate" just so happened to live down the road from you.

    Seeing someone frequently or "repeated exposure" to one another creates a much more fertile atmosphere for love and friendship than seeing someone less often, and the proximity of their living quarters clearly has a significant effect on how frequently two people meet. If 2 people live close to one another they are more likely to to develop a familiarity than if they live further apart-familiarity in terms of seeing each other more, spending time with each other, thinking about each other, and anticipating interation with each other.

    10. Mystery
    A person who carries an air of mystery of intrigue will often be found romantically appealing. Similarly, a mysterious situation can have a catalytic effect on a relationship in much the same way danger does.



    There was also a study done where they put a male and female student (total strangers) in a room together for 90 minutes. They were asked to exchange intimate information to one another, such as their most embarrassing moment and how they would feel if a loved one died. Immediately following questioning the couples were asked to not speak and just stare into each others eyes for 2 minutes. They were then asked to exit without speaking out 2 different doors as to give the effect that they'd never see one another again.

    All the students were asked to rate the closeness of the relationship formed and the ratings were compared with those of a group of similar students who were asked to rate the closest relationships in their lives. A key result was that after only 45 minutes of interaction the relationship between the paired students was rated as closer than the closest relationship in the lives of 30% of similar students. The 30% figure suggests that self-disclosure can be a powerful and fast-acting device in getting comeone to feel attracted to you.

    The first pair of students chosen ended up getting married 6 months later after the experiment.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2008
  2. Mugen92GS-R

    Mugen92GS-R New Member

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    I can't really find anything in there I DISAGREE about... but seems kinda generic / obvious :dunno:
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: It's surprising though how most people have probably never really thought about it, at least not broken down so easily in chunks.

    Personally, I found the most interesting thing to be the study of people who only date those within a few mile radius of themselves and the students who met each other and shared more intimate moments than people in long-term committed relationships.

    Edit: I should also mention I particularly find this all fascinating because the book is about how in the future people will fall in love with robots. So the beginning breaks down how people fall in love with humans and how if you look at them in simplistic terms it would be easy to replace a human with a robot-of course that's a super-advanced robot of the future that will supposedly look and learn to be more human.
     
  4. Mugen92GS-R

    Mugen92GS-R New Member

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    I think a lot of that whole feeling like you shared more thing comes with how honest you can be with strangers. When me and my GF were broken up, I was banging a chick who had a BF for a while, and I was surprised at all the things she'd tell me that she'd then say she could never tell her BF (and simple things about her self and what she likes mind you).

    It just struck me as weird that she could be with this guy for 2 years, and I just met her / was ONLY a fuck buddy with a very casual relationship, and it seemed like I was somewhat more in the loop then him.

    I think it comes down to the fact that we HEAVILY filter what we say when we're around people we care about, whether we want to or not. We're always consciously aware of what we're saying and what that image gives off to the other person... but in a situation where there aren't any feelings involved, I can definitely see how it would be easy to be more 'open'.

    And I do think I've heard of that book... or at least I remember someone telling me we'd fall in love with robots :rofl:

    So far as the distance thing goes, it's the opposite for me. The only SERIOUS relationships I've had were: 45 min away, 40 min away, and now my GF is about 20 min away. I don't think I've ever dated anyone SUPER close to me... and I don't know if I'd want to... I kinda like knowing that theres this distance that lets me have my alone time be really alone time.
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Excellent example! And you probably heard about the book from me.

    It's called "Love & Sex with Robots" and I started reading it a month or so ago but put it off until today during Jury Duty :mamoru:

    Now with the girls you dated that weren't close by, how did you meet them? Via the internet? Because the book goes over internet dating quite a bit and like I mentioned in the "Proximity" point it excludes people who meet over the internet.
     
  6. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    wow really good read gotta check out this book
    EDIT: :bowrofl: jury duty god i hope i never get called
     
  7. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Very cool book, I completely believe it will be plausible for men (and fewer women) to marry and have sex with robot women.

    And yeah, I was very lucky and got out of it, but in a way it was nice because I got to read :)
     
  8. Mugen92GS-R

    Mugen92GS-R New Member

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    Two of them were (the 40 min one and the 20 min one), one of them (the furthest away) I met at six flags where we worked at the time (I was 17).

    It may sound weird, but even when I was single and mingling, I didn't really like it if someone lived too close... it was almost like a green light to annoy the fuck out of each other and constantly be together. To me, distance (someone more than 10 minutes away) is kind of an automatic way to keep how much you hang out with someone in check. It's like a fail safe way to ensure you have your own space, you know?
     
  9. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    ive been reading alot lately ill add this one to my list thanks :wavey:
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Totally understand and an interesting way to look at it honestly. Most people tend to smother each other at the beginning of a relationship.
     
  11. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    I agree with most of it but I am still trying to understand what they mean by this paragraph:

     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    It sounds too elementary, I agree. But I think an example would be a guy who loves motorcross starts dating a girl who has never cared or seen a race in her life. After a short time of dating she starts to put a lot of effort into enjoying the sport, watching races with him, going to the track, etc. He realizes how much effort she is putting in just to relate to him and it's a sort of an ego boost and turn on showing that she cares about him enough to try.

    It's a lot more attractive and more subtle than say if he started dating her and he knew she had never given a shit about motorcross in her life....but she would boast "OH I LOVE MOTOR CROSS, THAT'S WITH MOTORCYCLES, RIGHT?!" just to try and please him.

    If you think about it we have all probably been in both positions, some more than others. When you want to impress someone you really like and you practically lie to get on their good side and make them think you have the same interests or feel the same way about something. And I'm sure most of us who have been in a relationship have also started to take on some of the interests or hobbies that our SO enjoys to please them.
     
  13. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Have sex with robots, yes. Fall in love with robots, no. I don't believe humans would ever be able to fall in love with robots because robots would never know how to love someone back. Love to a robot would just be a programmed emotion. It would only "love" someone because it was programmed to love that person. I don't ever believe robots will be able to properly mirror human emotions.

    The sex part I believe because men will stick their dicks into anything. It just goes to show how men don't view sex in an emotional way like women do.
     
  14. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    So basically a suck up...
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    The book explains that it's not about robots "learning" how to love, though their main function is to learn everything. It's about how in the future (there are many robots now that we don't even know about that have scary human-like features and actions) there will be such advanced robots that will be able to completely recognize a person, give it compliments, hold whole conversations, etc. Humans will alwayvs have an attachment to a mate and in the future there will be more prevalent robots in our society who look and act like humans, but don't hold the same emotional capacity.

    I won't explain too much because the book does a far better job, but there are definitely human beings NOW who give up on human relationships because they're just too "hard" and "complicated." The book teaches how sometimes try to find love and comfort in the form of pets and electronics even. I'll stop explaining since I could go on and on about the the book is saying. It's written by a roboticist/psychologist and there have been thousands of studied basically promoting the ideal, but it still ownt be for at least another 50 years they say since it's far from the norm now.

    That's one way to put it.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :bigthumb: If you ever do read it tell me what you think. I love talking books and theories :)
     
  17. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    definitly
     
  18. Caanon

    Caanon OT Supporter

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    I read this and the following popped into my head....

    I'm in a supermarket and see an attractive women, go up to her, strike up a conversation and hit it off. Then I have to stick a magnet to her head to see if it sticks. :rofl:
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :mamoru: And she'd sit at home, wait for you, cook, pleasure you whenever you wanted and never complain :noes:
     
  20. squid

    squid braap

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    They forgot "Fuckability"
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Pretty much both of these, just not so blunt
     
  22. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    All other things equal, who would you rather date? The girl who is willing to at least try new things, or the girl who says "No, not gonna try it at all!"
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    That's not really what it's saying though.
     
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Awesome post. I'd make a big reply but I'm busy now. But, go beer go, making awesome posts :bigthumb:
     
  25. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    i think it might be even simpler than that... maybe those things are necessary to trigger it, but i feel like it's probably just the opposite of a neurotoxin... and once you release it, it creates the whole emotional ride. like the trigger that makes a new bird follow the first moving object it sees.
     

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